Keep him or Curb him

[pbutton]

I am 40, my boyfirend is 32. We have been dating for 1 year 3 months. He has not heald a steady job in 4 plus years and he blames everything from the economy to his ex-wife. He is addicted to porn, refuses to initiate any intimacy, and insists on hanging out with his best friend every time the guy has a day off (Sometimes all night). I have supported him, cooked for him and made him very comfortable but I have wondered lately if he is using me because he seems distant and just going thru the motions even though he insists that he loves me as much as I love him. He complains all the time about everything. He spends hours in front of the mirror to make sure he looks good even to go to his buddies house. Should I keep him or Curb him?

[Itsok]

I think you've answered your own question. He hasn't had a steady job in 4 years, is addicted to porn, and you have done everything you can to try to make him happy.

 

It's time you looked inside yourself and asked yourself why you're supporting this boy who is hanging onto you as a way to keep himself alive.

 

Stop wasting your time babying him and kick him to the curb. Don't wait, don't expect him to change. Make the iniative to get rid of him and don't listen to his pleading and whining.

[kellbell]

ummm....I have to say kick him to curb....he already has a mother. You deserve better. Good luck and take care.

[shes2smart]

Are we talking a 32 year old man of reasonable intelligence and no physical handicaps? If so, then there's NO excuse for him not to be supporting himself. Heck, even my 37 year old developmentally disabled brother has a job and supports himself to the best of his ability. When I was single, there were several single gal pals of mine who worked multiple jobs to support themselves....and in my 20's I had to go the same route, too.

 

I'm afraid I don't have much sympathy for your guy. I used to date/live with an alcoholic about 10 years ago. If he held a job for 6 months it was a big deal, but he was quite content to spend MY money, plant his butt on MY couch, watch MY TV, eat MY food and so forth. He was very pretty, but pretty doesn't cut it long term.

 

I (....eventually....) booted the freeloading bum, so you can pretty much figure out what my advice to you is going to be.

 

This guy is going to drag you down with his negativity, the financial drain he's putting on you, the lack of intimacy, the porn addiction -- everything. Someone who truly loves you wouldn't do that.

 

It's my firm belief that anyone with addiction issues is incapable of having a healthy realtionship with anyone else because they can't have a healthy relationship with themselves until they deal with their addiction issues. I come to this belief not only by being involved with an alcoholic at one point, but also because I had my own addiction issues in my 20's.

 

What you need to look at, IMO, is why have you put up with this so long and what's keeping you in the situation now?

[pbutton]

You are very sensitive for your age. You hit the nail on the head because he still lives with his mother and she still pays hafl his bills. He never makes an effort to pay her back either.

[pbutton]

He's very intelligent and no handicaps except living off others.

[RayKay]

I am 40, my boyfirend is 32. We have been dating for 1 year 3 months. He has not heald a steady job in 4 plus years and he blames everything from the economy to his ex-wife. He is addicted to porn, refuses to initiate any intimacy, and insists on hanging out with his best friend every time the guy has a day off (Sometimes all night). I have supported him, cooked for him and made him very comfortable but I have wondered lately if he is using me because he seems distant and just going thru the motions even though he insists that he loves me as much as I love him. He complains all the time about everything. He spends hours in front of the mirror to make sure he looks good even to go to his buddies house. Should I keep him or Curb him?

 

What exactly makes it even worth staying?

 

Even posting this shows me that you are feeling emotionally and physically spent by this relationship..so at what point does the cost to you become too high for what you are getting from this relationship?

 

He honestly sounds like a freeloader, and I would not be too surprised if this was not a male "buddy" if he is spiffying himself up so much. If he refuses intimacy with you, an even bigger sign. Curb him, there is no reason he should be not working, being emotionally repressed and ungrateful.

 

Seriously sweetie, why ARE you with this guy? What are you getting out of this. Do you FEEL loved and accepted for whom you are?

[annie24]

Welcome to eNotalone.

 

Read your post again, out loud. Imagine that your best friend or your sister was dating a man like this. What would you tell her? You've been supportive, a good girlfriend, and that hasn't made him any better. You deserve better than this.

[BellaDonna]

It seems that at this point- the COST of this relationship to you , both financially, and emotionally is much more than the benefits.

 

Whenever the costs are more than the benefits- it's time to move on from the relationship.

 

I'd say curb him, you have nothhing to lose, except a headache.

 

 

BellaDonna

[pbutton]

No, I feel like I am his mother. I get nothing but heartache and he gets his cake and swallows it too!! I have asked if he was Gay because he seems to act like it sometimes and he never wants me to stop by at his buddys house. NEVER. I can't help but wonder what I am getting from this except company. Maybe I should just get a dog!!!

[RayKay]

No, I feel like I am his mother. I get nothing but heartache and he gets his cake and swallows it too!! I have asked if he was Gay because he seems to act like it sometimes and he never wants me to stop by at his buddys house. NEVER. I can't help but wonder what I am getting from this except company. Maybe I should just get a dog!!!

 

I bet a dog would treat you a lot more respectfully and lovingly honestly.

 

Sure, you have to support them, but at least they can be trained to bring you your newspaper and will wag their tail as they are so happy to see you!

 

Oh, and love spending the night with you curled up at your feet or something.

 

Seriously, this guy is not worth it honey.

[Relationship Coach]

Unless you like feeling the way you do right now, dump him. You and his mother need to send him packing. He has gotten too comfortable where he is and needs a little tough love from the two of you to get his act together. It's time for him to stop making excuses and start making progress.

[Ms Omaniac]

hurry up and curb him so that you can hurry up and find someone that will treat you right.

dont waste anymore time. the person you should be with is out there.

[Lady Bugg]

 

Yep..I read the post right....

And you are still with this Loser, WHY????

[Confessoress]

If you hadn't have said his age I would of guessed he was in his early 20's, which could almost be 'normal'. But ugh! You deserve better than this and surely you know that.

[DN]

I think you would be doing both of you a favour if you let him have a closer acquaintance with the curb.

[Alpine Stars]

Kick his * * * to the curb!! My brother is just like this guy and he annoys the hell out of me.......and that's my own brother. Since his girl kicked his sorry * * * to the curb...now he is doing that to our middle brother and I tell my brother to kick his worthless * * * out. Stop babying this guy because if you don't, then you can expect to have a long and miserable future of this BS everyday.