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OKay so last Christmas (2004) I met my now ex - we grew up in small towns beside each other, knew all the same people but, had never met until then. he lives in my home state (and area) and i live in the dc area for my job. we went out on a date while i was at home and it was incredible - a few weeks later he came up to visit me, and it just went from there. there was never any hesitation or questions on either of our parts. he told me loved me about 2 months in - i was the first girl he had ever told he loved and things were great! i mean, we were that couple that my friends and his friends were jealous of because we seemed to have it all, were so in love, we treated each other so well and really appreciated each other. he was the first guy that my friends were like this is it, lindsay. and i just have known from the day i met him that he was the one. the distance sucked but, we both went into it knowing that i would be moving back to our shared home state eventually within at least a couple years. now, our whole relationship, he was having major money problems, was miserable in his job, trying to find a new one. he also has trust issues due to some things in the past and his relationship with his mother - she abandoned him when he was very young and he didn't have a dad, etc. he has reconciled his relationship with her but, i am certain he still has issues with that.

 

he had a hard time trusting me - like believing things i would tell him sometimes but, we would always work through it and i always knew he loved me. well, he went on vacation with me and my parents for a week - the day he got back he started training for his job and was having major money problems at this time. about 2 weeks into his job training, he called me one night and he had been being different for those 2 weeks towards me so i confronted him about it and asked him (man, this is even hard just recalling all of this ) what was going on and he pretty much broke up with me saying that he didn't think that our relationship could work due to the heavy burden of his new job and all this stuff and the distance was too difficult on him financially - this was in july of last year. so i fought him on this for about a month after this - just hysterical and crying and telling him how much i loved him and wanting to know why we couldnt work things out. about 2 weeks into his new job (which has ended up being even more demanding than he thought), he called me saying he wanted us to work things out and then that lasted for maybe a week.

 

so, pretty much since we've broken up, i went home for labor day - he made it a huge point to see me and i did and we had lunch at his mother's house. told me that he is depressed and just isn't happy and can't be in a relationship if he is this unhappy. we would talk here and there but it was always only if he made contact. a couple weeks would go by and i would get an e-mail or a text here and there. he contacted me right before thanksgiving and made a huge deal about wanting to see me and was actually acting like he wanted to get back together. my friend and i meet up with him and his friends out and he, after awhile, ends up wandering off so i confront him and ask him why, if he wanted to see me, is he not even talking to me. and he said that i was acting like i didn't awnt to talk to him, etc. so we talk after i get back up here and i tell him again that he is the love of my life and that it is obvious that it is still there with us and he says that he is just not comfortable with the distance - there are too many variables there for him to be able to do anymore and that he does love me so much still and is still in love with me. but that he acn't predict the future to know if this is the end of us when i asked him if he thought it was. so i send him an e-mail telling him that i have to let him go do whatever it is he needs to do because this is not fair to me and what not and that i do love him. that was the last time i really talked to him. right before christmas, i had sent him purpose driven life and he sent me a text saying thank you so much for the book and trying to kinda flirty. i didn't reply. his mother called me the week i was coming home to see if i wanted to go get dinner with her and i said i would but didn't want him to be upset about it since he and i were not together. she tells me that he had told her that the last time she and he had spoken about us, that he said that he and i were wanting to work things out and get back together and that he thought we could. what?!

 

when she told him that we were going to go to dinner he was like well when is she coming home? when are you all going? i never heard from him on christmas at all - i sent out a mass e-mail a couple days after christmas saying that i had gotten a new cell phone number and he e-mailed me back with a short little "wow - it's abotu time you switched companies." i didn't reply until after new years with "i don't get it ' what does that mean" and he replies with "i guess it means your cool now" i didn't know how to take that so i didn't reply. and that was the last contact we had.

 

of course, there are more details but i don't want to bore you all anymore than i have. but, i am just at a loss. i am a strong Christian and know that God has a plan for me and that is the only thing that has sustained me this far. i mean, we had a great relationship - two people that were absolutely crazy about each other - we both fell hard and for the first time with each other. i know for a fact that he has dated girls he didn't love for a lot longer than we did. and we were even talked about "when we would be married" not "if". i assume he must be seeing someone else now because he's a great looking guy and he has always had girls chasing after him. i jsut don't know what to do - i've obviously made the decision to not contact him beacuse a) i'm afraid to talk to him and him be like yeh, i'm seeing someone b) because i got tired of the mixed signals and c) i told him that i was letting him go and giving him the space he needs or needed or whatever. i miss him so much - i'm okay - but i think about him every day and i still love him as much as i did in the beginning. any thoughts? any advice? i mean, what is he doing? why has he not contacted me? is he angry at me? is he over it ? does he just not think about me anymore? my heart is broken. i pray every single day for him to find his heart, no matter what it is, even if it's not with me. prior to now, i had written him so many letters and they all got positive reactions from him. i just know my heart and i know that he is my heart. do i just wait it out or what?

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Hey bighat,

 

I think your ex is really behaving very flaky. This is not what you need right now. Remember, at this point, you are NOT together. I think it's best to NOT contact him anymore. It's time to start healing, and see where the road of life will take you next. You are a firm christian, and I am sure God has a beautiful plan for you. Put a little faith there!

 

The reasons you are listing for NOT contacting him are very valid and healthy. You know you are setting yourself up for more hurt if you DO contact him. In fact, no, you don't want to know if he's seeing someone, you don't want to know if he's ok or not, you can't be friends at this moment, you just need this time for absolute freedom of him.

 

Don't see this as waiting, this period of healing is a very active and constructive one. You act as if your life equals him, while in fact, he is only a part of a part of your life, namely your history. So leave him where he is, in the past. Fill your present with the things and activities that you do. It might seem awful and impossible, but believe me... been there, done that! It helps to chose for yourself and change things in your life!

 

Take care,

 

ilse

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thank you so much ilse. i have tears in my eyes after reading your reply because you are so right and God does have a plan for me - a beautiful plan. he does for all of us. and you're right, my life does not equal him. i never thought about it in that way but, that is so true. God has given me so many things and so many blessings. thank you so much. every day is hard in a different way but, i am trying to get through it.

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