Dating Others Until Engaged?

[metro_girl]

I'd like to continue dating more than one guy until I'm engaged. I don't want to become sexually intimate with a man until I'm at that commitment level. This would be the ideal situation for me, of course. Will the guys go for that?

 

I feel like what I've done in the past hasn't worked for me.

 

This is the first time I've been dating and communicating with more than one man, and I really like it. I don't have conversations with them about dating others, because I don't think it's any of their business and they should figure I am still looking until we both want a commitment.

 

I feel like I don't have the time or energy to "invest" in just one man that may or may not work out long-term. My goal is to get married and have a family.

 

Any advice? One question I have though that seems to be a question most women have, is how likely is it that a man will get to the stage of wanting to propose marriage to a woman who hasn't had sex with him? I'm not talking about any physical touch or kissing, etc., just no BJs, no intercourse. Is that too much to ask from a man? Do men feel loved and adored if they don't get sex?

[newts]

I understand where you coming from , however, no man will propose to a girl if she has other men on the go. Once you make a commitment of any kind in a relationship is when the 2 timing etc... should stop.

[NJRon]

I'm sure there are some men out there that may be ok without the sex. Some people wait until marriage. However, I know it would be tough for me.

 

But as for not committing until being engaged, there's no way I would ever propose to someone who couldn't commit to an exclusive relationship first. And, if I had a friend that was in the same situation, I would urge him not to propose also. It's just a huge red flag to propose to someone that won't commit.

[hosswhispra]

Metro girl-

 

I do believe there are men out there that will respect your choices. If they are not interested in respecting the choice you've made of not going to bed with them etc., then they are obviously not men for you. I actually feel the way you do, as well.

 

hosswhispra

[RayKay]

There are SOME men whom may be fine with that choice....as long as you are fine with them dating other women as well.

 

However, I will be honest with you, that while some are fine with you dating others, or them dating others in the initial stages of dating, they will probably not really feel okay asking someone to marry them without having had some sort of exclusivity in the relationship beforehand. After all, how can they even know if you are right if you are not showing your true relationship colours?

 

An engagement generally comes after a person has decided you are one they want to be with, that you are compatible, and the person they want in a partner. This is not something that can be fairly decided if you are not exclusive. It may make some wonder if you can be committed, or if you are really giving them the best of you, or respect them...and so forth.

 

Men can and will propose (well some will) without having been sexually intimate, however, I don't know many whom will without having an emotional & physical commitment already.

 

Personally, for me, knowing my sexual compatibility with someone is important before getting married, but I know that is not the case with all. But I would absolutely not get engaged to someone without prior relationship commitment and with them dating others.

 

I know of two couples whom had arrangements to have "open" relationships until they married. So they did...they dated others, were intimate with others....and guess what? When they were married, one partner was not too eager to change. I just feel that if you can't even emotionally commit to one person, what is the point in getting engaged/married in the first place?

 

So it's fine to date and not be exclusive, but be honest that you are not exclusive. It's not really fair to someone to lead them to believe you are not dating others, have them propose, and then they find out afterwards you were dating others the whole time! If I was that guy, I would be ending the engagement pretty fast, as opposed to someone whom was honest with me, whom we progressed from dating, to exclusive, to engagement.

 

When you meet a guy whom after a few dates you can see a potential future commitment with, be honest you are dating others, and about your feelings on commitment, and waiting to be intimate...but perhaps realize he may not be keen on going from "dating others" to "engagement" without some exclusivity first.

 

I don't know, in my experience when you meet the right person, you don't want to date others. It's only when you have not yet and are just interested in dating, and having fun, and meeting people, you are okay with it.

[novaseeker]

I see where you are coming from on the sex part, but on the exclusivity part, I don't think that's going to work for many men. It's fine to date many people at once when it's casual dating. There is a period, however, between "casual dating", on the one hand, and "engagement" on the other ... you don't really hop from casual dating to an engagement with one of many suitors you've been casually dating. There's a period when the relationship changes from a casual one to a more emotionally serious one, and that period lasts for some time before engagement happens ... I believe very few men would propose marriage to a woman who was dating several men at once. It's just an indication that the woman is not that into him ... if she were, she'd be dating just him. To be honest, I'd also be suspicious of a man who would propose under those circumstances, because at least a part of the motivation could be to force you to focus your attention on him ... which of course isnt the right motive for a marriage proposal.

 

So I'd say go right ahead and play the field for the casual dating phase, rather than casually dating one at a time ... but realize that if you want one of these relationships to go anywhere, you'll have to stop dating others at some point, and that point will be before one of them proposes to you, most likely.

[theantibarbie23]

I feel like I don't have the time or energy to "invest" in just one man that may or may not work out long-term. My goal is to get married and have a family.

 

You are tending to look at this from a very dettached viewpoint. If you do not have feelings for someone to the point where you no longer care to see other men or have them see other women then agreeing to marry them seems like a pretty giant leap of faith to me. Just my opinion.

[spiderman_56]

Even though this is a very interesting strategy to get to your goal (well if you have more men, then you "mathematically' speaking have more chances of finding the right one) it's most likely not to work because almost every man or woman will propose or engage if they feel that their partner is special , loving , has attributes that will not be found in any other guy/woman and exclusif to them.

 

However it depends on how it perceives by the other guys , whether you are the 'prize' and there is some competition to get you and that state that you are not involved with any of them yet or if you are just having 'fun' with many men , the reaction in both cases will be completely different.

 

At one point you said that you would limit yourself to no physical contact , the line between beeing physically , intellectually attracted to someone and getting to the 'act' of physical contact is very blur and very thin ...if there are two guyz you feel attracted to , I wouldn't bet that they won't try to have physical contact with you and the simple fact that you are already attracted to them drastically improves the chances of sexual intimacy happening.

 

 

I do not believe that humans can truly love two persons at the same time but sex and love are 'related' specially in the first stages of meeting someone , and if you do pass the sex stage with more than one guy you are just setting yourself for confusion and drama and getting away from your primary goal.

[annie24]

It sounds to me metrogirl, that you are trying to emotionally protect yourself from getting too involved, and then getting hurt. I think you should read Mars and Venus on a Date by John Grey. He has written a lot about the stages of dating leading up to engagement, and maybe they will help reassure you. Like raykay said, part of being exclusive is that it really gives you a chance to get to know the other person, and let that person get to know the real you before deciding whether or not to get engaged. You can still wait for intercourse until you are married, but having some physical bonding with your partner I think is important in getting to know your potential partner.

[metro_girl]

It sounds to me metrogirl, that you are trying to emotionally protect yourself from getting too involved, and then getting hurt. I think you should read Mars and Venus on a Date by John Grey.

 

I am trying to "love smart" as Dr. Phil would say. I've graduated from the Men Are from Mars books to the Love Smart CDs!! I have to say, I am no longer a fan of the Mars/Venus stuff. I read that stuff years ago, and it just made things worse with all of the stages and points and whatever!

 

I think the whole concept of men going into their caves is bull and an excuse for their behavior. Yes, I've read that theory more than once and I get it. Women are like blowtorches and men are like rubberbands and they spring back.

 

Well, I've been avoiding the whole "going into his cave" drama, because if he chooses to go into his cave, it's okay with me since I have another date planned with another great guy. The cave drama hasn't happened once.

 

I'm sure I'll want to be exclusive at some stage. My usual mistake is to only date one man at a time. That's the part I'm doing differently.

[annie24]

Oh, I mean, you should try to date more than one man at a time in the beginning, but don't you think that at some point, you need to be exclusive with someone to really get to know them better? By the engagement time, you're supposed to have a pretty good idea who you're dealing with!

 

And besides, would you really become engaged to a man who, up until that point, was dating other women? Why would a man propose to a woman who's still out there dating tons of men?

 

The key is to not become fixated on someone too early in the process...

[RayKay]

Oh, I mean, you should try to date more than one man at a time in the beginning, but don't you think that at some point, you need to be exclusive with someone to really get to know them better? By the engagement time, you're supposed to have a pretty good idea who you're dealing with!

 

And besides, would you really become engaged to a man who, up until that point, was dating other women? Why would a man propose to a woman who's still out there dating tons of men?

 

The key is to not become fixated on someone too early in the process...

 

Bingo, I mean, as I said, I don't think you should be exclusive with someone until you feel sure you want to go that route, and you have talked about it together. A first date should not mean "commitment" at that point!

 

It should develop as it develops, but I honestly do not see how one would really know they wanted to get engaged and spend their life with a person, without having some exclusivity before that step into engagement.

 

As a side note, I don't think the cave thing is so terrible, in my experiences it is has never meant the person was hurting me or being cruel to me, it just meant they needed quiet time basically to think things through....and honestly I do the same thing. It does not mean they disappear, or anything...just that we just take some space, and I don't pressure them for "answers" until they feel comfortable and ready. I have only read one of the M&V books, quite a while ago, but I have never read it as being an "excuse" for bad behaviour, just more of a way to understand thought processes and ways of dealing with conflict. Sometimes they retreat into the "cave" after a crazy day at work, or when they are having family frustrations. I did a lot of conflict resolution studies in university, and these are themes that are present in varying ways in most of them - everyone deals with conflict in different ways, and the expectations that someone else will deal with them the way we do, it what ends up causing hurt and frustration. Some don't go into cave, but they all have their own ways of approaching conflict and different conflict/stress styles.

 

My question though is say you do get engaged/married to a guy, what happens if he does go into his "cave"? I have never had it happen during casual dating, there is not enough emotion invested usually on either side....it's further in when you are a little more involved with each other. I hope you would not have another date lined up then!