Little rant

[Lady Bugg]

This post is NOT an attack on anyone specific..just a general observation.

 

One thing I notice..AFTER reading post after post..is the people who

post originally, ASKING for advice, seem to be the most critical in GIVING advice..many times to people in their OWN situations. Hmmm Perhaps that is a sign to TAKE your own advice???

 

ANother..to posters who always SEEK advice, yet never OFFERING advice.......(but never failing to ignore advice given). Some posters are simply

attention hogs in my opinion...sorry but true. They come here time and time again....same dilemmma...and seem to get lots and lots of replies..but yet never seem to take advice....ALWAYS creating yet another soap opera in their lives. Does anyone ELSE evr notice this??? I simply stop replying to these people. They're a waste of my timeNow, I could name names.....but if this applies to you...you KNOW who you are. Please....take the advice on these boards...that is what it's here for. That, or simply email yourself......because otherwise you are simply wasting everyones time.

 

Thats my rant.....

[Dako]

I've seen similar things, but I know emotions can be a powerful force that keeps us from seeing our own situation objectively.

To avoid any finger-pointing, I'll clobber myself.

 

When I first joined the forum I was a basketcase. I read other people's problems and wondered why they didn't see the obvious, yet when a few people gave ME advice, I felt like my situation was so unique and unusual. It wasn't at all.

Time passed and I realized some really good people were reaching out to help and were actually more in tune with my feelings than I was in some ways. They had been in my shoes...big time!

Some of the best people on this forum seemed a bit forward in their assumptions. Without exception, they were right.

 

I hope others have such a good experience here. It's human frailty to easily give advice but not take it.

Mea Culpa.

[annie24]

It's hard. Sometimes you can come accross someone's posts and get annoyed with their questions or that the topic seems *so obvious*!!!

 

Some people, I think, want to be talked into accepting their situation, I think. Some people, I think, deep down, want others to say, "Yeah, it's fine if your bf/gf treats you like crap and doesn't respect you. You are asking too much. Don't break up."

 

A lot of things are quite obvious when they are not happening to you. But, in the situation, it is particularly confusing!!!

 

I do believe that there may be an "ignore" function on this site, where is a particular poster bugs you, you can ignore their posts.

 

Otherwise, don't read them!

[curlygirl47]

Sorry, but I don't get Lady's observation that the point of this forum is for taking advice. I don't think that's the point of this forum at all. I think the point is to have somebody to talk to about your problems, and most of us know we are acting stupid and crazy, which is exactly why we need you. But we don't need you to be insensitive. I'd agree with what's been suggested: if you don't want to read somebody's post, why not just ignore it and quit punishing and attacking people who haven't recovered as well as others?

[Dako]

I don't think that's entirely what she means, but I may be out of the loop on this. For an example, some people will complain about their mate but put up with them, yet advise others to quickly dump someone for the same behavior.

 

Is that somewhat close, LB?

[Lady Bugg]

Curly.....I am sorry you are so 'personally" affected by my post. I never said anyone NEEDS to "take advice...I am simply referring to people who post OVER and OVER about the SAME situation....asking for advice..but yet never TAKE it. If you don't WANT advice, then don't ASK for it...then do whatever the hell you're gonna do anyway.....THAT is insulting..and a waste of time. Period.

If you are gonna just do what you're gonna do anyway...then WHY bother asking anyones "advice" and opinions???? It is counter productive. Besides... the BEST teacher is experience anyway...so some poeple NEED to hit that brick wall before they LEARN the hard way.

 

 

I also notice..many many posters..who NEVER EVER OFFER advice to other posters...because they are TOO consumed with their OWN issues. Maybe it's just me..but I get a lot of satisfaction out of counseling other people..and taking the focus off my OWN issues.

[Lady Bugg]

Yes Dako...that is a PERFECT example!! Thanks for pointing that out!!!

[annie24]

well, some people may be at a point in their lives where they don't have anything to give.

 

I don't remember who said it, but someone said that eNotalone is kind of like having a diary that writes back to you. Like, in writing in a diary, you may write about the same problem everyday. But, it takes some people longer than others to get to the root of their issues.

[annie24]

I don't think that's entirely what she means, but I may be out of the loop on this. For an example, some people will complain about their mate but put up with them, yet advise others to quickly dump someone for the same behavior.

 

Is that somewhat close, LB?

 

In a sense... this is true. I often find that the posts that get me the most "riled up" are the ones that resemble my past situations.

 

When I yell at them, "Leave this jerk!!!! Forget him! He will just hurt you more!!!" I am really trying to write that to the girl I was 5 years ago.

[Lady Bugg]

Yes, you're right Annie.....100%.

 

Emotions sometimes don't catch up to poeple as fast as their words..or feelings. I am guilty of this as well.

 

However, I am mainly speaking of those who specifically ASK for advice on how to deal with a situation...but continually go against that advice....but yet continue to expect that "support". I guess I just don't "get it"......

[ShySoul]

When people post to others, a lot of the time they are also revealing much about themselves, just failing to notice it. My theory has been for awhile now that we almost always know what we need to do ourselves. Asking others is often because we for some reason see it. When we can observe things at a distance, its always easier to see the big picture. But when we are a part of that picture, its harder to see. We get wrapped up in feelings and details. It's why someone being abused doesn't put an end to it right away. They know it is wrong and shouldn't be happening. But misplaced love, fear, and other feelings cloud there judgement.

 

In the end, we know all we need to know. That is evident in people giving to others the advice they need to take. But people are there own worst critics. They put themselves down in situations and don't trust their heart and their gut. It's often easier and more beneficial to take the advice of someone else then to do listen to yourself.

 

People who do that really just need someone to listen to them. Even if the answer is right in front of them, and they know it as well, they might not be ready to listen. So you keep answering their questions, helping them as best you can. Eventually, if they hear it enough, they will be ready to take action. All we can do in the meantime is be supportive.

[newts]

It is so much easier to look in from the outside when you are not emotionally connected to a situation, however, it is so much harder to accept advice that you have received from people because we all think that our situation is so different to everybody elses - the hard cold truth is it's not, break ups are hard,tough and very hurtful to anybody experiencing this emotion.

[annie24]

An example of a type of thread that gets on my nerves sometimes is the "I have a crush - do you think they like me back?" And then they list eye contact, e-mails, etc...

 

Inevitably, some posters will say yes, others will say no, but we all pretty much say, "You won't know unless you ask him or her out!!!" We're strangers on the internet, not psychics, we really don't know if a person likes you or not.

 

And I'm sure that the original poster realizes this, but is somehow looking to us for reassurance.

 

But, when the same poster keeps coming back with the same exact question about the same crush... I get... "AARRRGGHHH!!!!" Until I remember that it's really a self-confidence issue. The real problem is not the crush, the problem is a lack of confidence. And if we can do something to increase confidence levels, then that is good.

[nataliejulie]

For years, I've been in school getting my degree with Psychology (mainly in relationship therapy). The one rule we have to abide by is HELPING the cilent with their choices.

If a woman was cheated by her husband, your first reaction would be to say "DITCH THE LOSER!" but this woman really wants to work it out, give it another try. Now, she's asking advice on what to do. I cannot sit there and get angry that she won't ditch that loser. I have to sit there, work with her decision and help her through it.

 

That's my two cents. I know it can be frustrating at times when people "don't take advice", but they are here for help, not for someone to tell them what to do.

[annie24]

Yes, you are right NJ. There are times I reply to someone's thread and then think to myself, "Wow - if I were a therapist, I would NEVER say that to them!"

[shyanne]

well i hope all this chit chat doesn't cause someone to hesitate in asking for advise.. some people aren't as confident as others and really need advise or someone to talk too. its those less confident people that will take all this to heart and maybe think twice before posting for advise.....

[healinginnyc81]

Like Dako, I have to admit that I definitely see things very clearly when I read about other people's situations, but in my own situation I'm not so clear. I think like he said, it has to do with emotions. In our personal situations we tend to let our emotions make our decisions and control our logic. When we read other people's posts, we use our logic first. It's really easy to confuse ourselves with rationalization and lying to ourselves when our emotions are so strong. Often we need to be told over and over by several people until we finally believe what we're hearing and put our head above our hearts. We need to feel that we have the strength to make those tough decisions. For some of us it takes longer to reach that point, so we continue to complain but we don't implement the advice because we're scared that it won't work out.

[RayKay]

Lady,

 

People come here for different reasons. There are some whom only ever make one post, or one thread, and never return...either the issue was resolved, or they did not get the answers they liked, or they just chose to not return.

 

There are some posters whom come here in times of a lot of emotional upheaval, looking for reassurance, or advice. Until someone is READY to hear it though, they won't listen to what they see as against their hope. Which may be why they come back again and again with the same question, or get angry when they hear what they don't want to hear. Some in time do see it more clearly, and are more accepting of advice, but until you are that stage, when you still are hoping, you don't want to hear it.

 

Remember, everyone thinks THEY are going to be the exception. That THEIR situation is different, that we don't know their ex for example like they do. Which is true, but until they realize there are some similarities, that people here HAVE been there, they won't be ready to listen. In time, they may realize that their case is NOT that different, that we as humans do have many shared emotional experiences and depth. And HAVE been there.

 

There are many whom just do not feel comfortable GIVING advice. I think this is perfectly acceptable too. Some people don't feel that unless they have been in those shoes they can do so. Some only have so much time. Some are so emotionally distraugt and wrapped in their own experience, they really can't offer more of themselves. Not everyone does get satisfaction of helping others.

 

When I read posts...sometimes they are the 100th post about the same issue from the same person, or sometimes they are situations where clearly the person needs to get out but is not ready, I really do try my best to see it from their side as well as my own. You can't just tell someone to "get over it" because the human heart and mind does not work that way. It's a process they need to go through which takes more time for some then others. I try to keep in mind they may be scared, depressed, lost, alone, hurt....there are so many things at play. Even if I had not had the exact SAME experience as them, I have had similar, or enough experiences to empathize with it.