In love, but not comfortable with my sexuality. (long rant)

[millaj]

It's been a long time since I could say that I am truly in love with anyone, man or women. I've been out since 1998, when I started being attracted to women and since then I have been pretty bi-sexual where there are times where I would date or be in a relationship with a man, or woman but not at the same time because i'm monagamous.

 

I've been in some bad relationships with women, and definitely taken advantage of by men in the past as well. Some of you who have been here for a while may remember a few things i've been through over the past couple years and they haven't been fun. Having heart broken, becoming pregnant, having the child who was sick, child dying after 6 months, having family and job problems, etc.

 

Last year was such a hard year for me, because I was grieving a lot, and basically just trying to stay alive and survive. Well I made it, and during the process I met a wonderful girl who has been like a best friend to me. Her and I met online in August and she came to visit in December.

 

We hit it off wonderfully, and we love eachother very much. Even so much that we are taking things slowly, and not rushing to move with eachother or become committed. She lives all the way accross the country, and as much as I have wanted to move where she is even before I met her, I just know that I shouldn't.. not yet anyways, plus she wants to move here for school in a couple of years.

 

So my reason for writing is because I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes. I've never been so happy or felt so good about loving someone who loves me back as much as I love them. But it scares me, because sometimes it doesn't seem real, and a lot of times she is so nice that I feel scared that I may hurt her. We are completely always honest with eachother, and she knows my thoughts and concerns, and always comforts me with patience.

 

But I find myself still wanting something else.. like I want to meet a man still, and want "normalcy" whatever that is. I'm still at a loss from my son dying, and I want a family so bad. She's the type of person who I could have that with, but i'm not sure i'm comfortable with that. It's very hard, due to my religious upbringings, etc. I try to think of God as the ultimate lover, and true love can not be wrong. She's an amazing person, and I know that we will always ben great friends, but i'm just so confused.

 

I know that I still have a lot of healing to do this year, and we both are going to be taking our time. I'm blessed to have someone willing to be there for me although so far away. Hopefully i'll get stronger and more comfortable with my sexuality, because I don't want to be with a man and a woman at the same time.. I can't do that, and don't know how people can (not that I think it's wrong, it's just something I can't see myself doing).

 

Sometimes I wish I could just be one or the other.. wouldn't it be easier? I guess this could be considered a "bisexual" rant, but I don't know how to feel, I guess i'm just scared. Will I ever become satisfied with just being with her? Maybe if she lived near me in the same state I would, but I guess i've been in situations like that before, and i've put my all into people and i'm just not going to do that anymore. I have to love me first, and in doing that I am confused because i'm used to rushing into things and that's the major thing i'm trying not to do anymore.

[RayKay]

You have most definitely been through a lot, and a lot of loss. Heartbreak in itself is tough but losing a child is not only heartbreaking and difficult but I imagine sometimes lonely and not as commonly shared.

 

Take your time, there is no rush. It sounds like this woman is quite understanding, let things go as they feel natural, and follow what feels right for you. Perhaps it is a man you want to be with, but realize you can have children and family with this woman, or another one, as well.

 

Just continue to be honest with her, heal, and take your time.....she may be amazing, but timing is important when it comes to things like this too. If it does progress to more for you, you'll know it, and know it is what you want. If not, it just means that relationship for you is still in the future.

 

Sweetie, you sound like an amazing, beautiful, intelligent and very deserving person. Ultimately life will reward you, I promise.

[millaj]

Thank you for your kind response. I really appreciate it, you brought a smile to my face. She really is amazing, and she's even told me that if I can't be with her she at least wants us to be best friends. We both have been reading a book by Iyanla Vanzant called "In The Meantime", and it's been a great read.

[mgirl]

Gee, i'm sorry to hear about the death of your son Millaj, that must have been aweful...

 

I can understand your conflicts about wanting a family and wanting to be true to yourself regarding your sexuality, but you must ask yourself one thing. Who is it that you most desire? A man or a woman? I mean, if you are mostly attracted to women, you can still have a baby and be in a gay relationship. You shouldn't let your religious upbrining influence what is in your heart. Look deep and you will find out.

[millaj]

you must ask yourself one thing. Who is it that you most desire? A man or a woman?

 

I've tried to do this.. my close friend even asked me one time "If there was no religion, and you couldn't get pregnant, who would you want to be with?".

 

I said a woman based on that.. but I don't know, there is a part of me that really loves a man's attention. Not really the sex though.

[novaseeker]

Its okay to be bisexual. Some of us are more attracted sexually to one than the other, while still being emotionally attracted to both to some degree. It's frustrating from the perspective of "trying to figure it all out", but the best way to deal with it, I have found, is to take each person as an individual ... is this person good for me, right for me ... does he/she make me feel how I want to feel, satisfy my needs, etc., rather than worrying about the gender of the person per se. Focus more on your needs, the other person and how then intermesh rather than the gender ... because to be honest speaking as another bisexual person, you can spend countless hours, days, years trying to figure out which sex you are attracted to in which ways, for which reasons, and in which degree ... and really get nowhere, because it's really all about the particular person you are with, and whether they satisfy your needs (emotional, sexual, intellectual, etc.).

 

So, I know it's confusing and frustrating at times. The best advice I can offer is to resist the temptation to "figure it all out" and instead focus on the relationships themselves.

[millaj]

Thanks for your reply.. That's what I am trying to do, just taking her as an individual in which she is. I do appreciate every moment of being with her, even though she lives in another state we do talk everyday and chat online. She's wonderful.

 

This year is a year of "figuring it all out", and I know it's going to be hard but I just want to come up with some safe ground for my life.