Can you go Backwards after Sex??

[Lion-Guy]

Recently at a party this cute girl was hitting on me and making advances. We went to school together years ago but I never talked to her then.

 

We ended up "sleeping" together until the sun came up. It didn't seem to be your normal hook-up. There was lots of eye contact, cuddling, talking, etc.

 

The next morning she asked for my number and so I gave it to her. She e-mailed me the next day and explained to me that it was not like her to do that, and that she would like to see eachother again. She lives 3 hrs. away. I wrote her back a short message and agreed we should meet again but haven't heard from her for 2 days.

 

My question is: Can you go backwards in a relationship? I think she is a great girl that I might possibly want to date, but I a worried that things went so fast the first night. Should I ask her out on a date, or just play it cool?

[Blue Skittles]

Yea, it can be done. Just tell her you care about her and you would rather move slowly, if the situation comes up.

[RayKay]

All depends on you. There are many situations where what were meant to be "hook ups" or sex too early, ended up in long term, successful relationships.

 

There are also many whom waited for ages, and did not last long in the end.

 

Bottom line is it depends on the individuals involved, sex won't make or break a relationship that is "meant to be" so to speak, but nor will it guarantee one that is not! The issue is that sex early CAN blind people to red flags, incompatibilities or cause someone to rush into commitment where there maybe should be more time vested in developing things slowly BEFORE taking that step. Especially since sex brings so many emotions, and risks along with it...you want to do it generally with someone you are feeling that level of commitment with.

 

There are also some whom would lose interest completely after sleeping together early. But again, really depends.

 

So, what do YOU want? If you are interested in her, ask her out. It's not about going "backwards", just developing the other aspects of the relationship as well and making sure you are truly compatible. And you can just let her know you would like to slow down and give the realtionship the respect and time it needs to develop.

[Lion-Guy]

Hey, thanks very much for the responses. They make a lot of sense.

 

What do I want? I would love to take her out, get to know her more and maybe date her. Of course it would be a long distance relationship, but I visit her town often.

 

I guess it is just my inexperience with these types of hookups. I mean I waited almost a whole year before I had sex with my last girlfriend. And I didn't wait more than a few hours with this girl. We just seemed to have a lot of chemistry and we are both recently single.

 

I would let her know how I feel, but I don't want to come off as too interested or eager. But then again, she was the one that initiated things, asked for my number, asked to meet again and even e-mailed me first. I guess those are good signs. What do you think?

 

Of course, I will be sure to keep my eyes open to "red flags" and early commitment as you said.

[RayKay]

I think they are good signs..so ask her out! Sounds like she has "initiated" things with her email and is hoping you would actually ASK her, since saying "sometime" can sound like "never", especially if she is worried about your impressions of her.

 

Really, if you are okay for it, go for it and ask her out. You are not the first people to sleep together on the first night, and won't be the last...but it does not mean you are fated to not have something special come from it all!

[Lion-Guy]

Ok. I will call her tonight and ask her out. I will report back.

[newts]

There is no such thing as too fast if it feels right and you want to be with her.

 

Maybe you should call? It's a two way street, maybe she is waiting for you to pursue her - I know I like men to pursue.

[Lion-Guy]

Ya that was my plan to call her a few days afterwards. But she e-mailed me first. Anyhow, I am going to try to stay away from the e-mail thing and call her tonight. I feel like you can judge people better on the phone. Don't you agree?

[newts]

definitely, talking has always and will always be the best form of communication. At least you will know where you stand.

[Lion-Guy]

Well so far good news. We talked for a bit on the phone and she was very friendly. I asked her if she wanted to hangout this weekend and she said sure. I am still not sure if it would be better to setup a formal date, or just something simple.

 

Thanks for the encouraging comments.

[RayKay]

Set up a date, like a time, and place. I would suggest taking it somewhere where you are not going to just want to have sex! For example, go ice skating followed by hot chocolate, or catch a local band, where you can get to know her in other ways!

[Lion-Guy]

You read my mind Ray Kay. Those were my thoughts exactly. Too bad it is her city and not mine. But I will ask my friends and figure something out.

[ShySoul]

Though it won't matter where you go, if those feelings start to pop up, you'll likely go someplace you can have sex. It's really about self control and being able to resist if you start feeling like you want to. It may be hard to say no. And it is easier to do it again if you have already done it before. But there is no reason that you can't have a nice, slow relationship. It's best to wait before doing something like that. But if you are willing to work to make sure the relationship is good first before going there again, things can work out. Just make the relationship about the more meaningful and deeper things, not just sex.

[Lion-Guy]

Ok so I have an update. I decided to take her out on a formal date for dinner at a nice restaurant. We were both a little shy and nervous at first but we quickly became comfortable with eachother at dinner. We had great conversation and got to know each other better. Afterwards, we went out to a local bar to watch a band and have a few drinks.

 

We both didn't have enough self control to leave it at that and I ended up spending the night. We spent a lot of quality time together talking and getting to know each other and went out for breakfast in the morning. I am pretty sure that we both weren't expecting to end up in bed together again, but we did.

 

I think next time I will choose a daytime date so thing won't end up in that direction.

[ShySoul]

It's like Pringles, once you pop, you can't stop. (groan)

 

Lion Guy, its ok that you ended up doing that again. It's hard to resist feelings like that and there is clearly a large amout of attraction between you two. You'll probably end up doing it again at some point. But if you want to slow it down, you can do it. Just have to be strong and resist her many charms.

[Lion-Guy]

Ya I think you are right. I will have to use some serious self-control. I think it will be good for me. And certainly good for the relationship we have begun.

 

Since I don't really feel comfortable telling my friends about this. I will make the commitment here to not let it happen next time we see each other. I will try to bring it back to a more elementary level. Thanks for the advice.

[ocrob]

I think things sound really cool. When you hook up the same day, you never know what you will get. Sometimes one person wants less than the other. I am guessing she likes you. Although she slept with you right away, I am guessing she will want reassurance that you respect her. I would not call her too much or be too available, but I would take her out and treat her like a lady. The one nice thing about having sex right away is that you know it will happen again. Now you just have to treat her with respect and not be too overbearing. I am sure she likes you and you both should have an amazing time. You just can't be too giving emotionally, but also be respectful.

[ocrob]

I guess I was too late with my last post. I think it is so awesome that you both got along so well. It sounds like you are both being very respectful of each other and really enjoying the company. I don't think that once you have sex you can go back. I just say get to know eachother and hope that you will continue to like each other. I don't think the sex gets in the way because you have both demonstrated respect and want more than just sex. You never know how you will feel about someone till you see all of their sides, but at least neither one of you are using the other person. Just let things progress and see what happens. I am happy for both of you. You both overcame the one night stand and obviously respect each other. Nothing wrong with sex.

[Lion-Guy]

Thanks for the kind words Ocrob. A few questions: Why do you say "don't be too giving emotionally" and don't be to available?

 

So far so good. We talk on the phone every other day or so. And we have set up a few weekends to visit eachother in the next two months. She is coming to visit me and I am going there twice. I am hoping that she wants more than just sex and so far the conversations on the phone have been indicative of that. I certainly have shown her respect and I believe she has done the same to me.

 

The one thing that worries me is that I rushed into sex with a woman that I know very little about her sexual past. And I feel weird to bring it up or some how verifying that I shouldn't be worried about stds. Any advice here?

[ShySoul]

Were you safe when you did have sex? That would help. If you are concerned, you could get checked on your own. Now, if you have already had sex, then the issue should be something that is open for discussion. It'll be hard to bring it up, very awkward, I grant you that. I can't really come up with a tackful way of bringing it up. Just wait until its ok to have a serious conversation, and say theres something that you need to talk about. Be nice and polite, but honest. Don't come accross as insulting ("you've slept with how many people! ") or overly curious. Just let her know how you feel, that this wasn't something you normally do and that there are things you need to know about. Make sure she understands its because you care for her and want both people to be safe that you are opening up that discussion.

 

Otherwise, I am happy to hear that things are going well for you. Hope things keep going smoothly and you are both happy together.

[Pixiemeat]

This looks so promising! I'm so happy for you.

 

I'd follow shysoul's advice, and try not to worry too much about numbers for now. Good luck!

[ocrob]

Here is what I meant by not being to giving or too available........Don't be the one initiating all of the contact and asking for plans. Don't let him call you at the last minute for plans. He will lose respect for you and take advantage of you, if this were the situation. I doubt it is and am not implying that. I know that when I want to see a woman, I ask well in advance. I am casually dating a woman that will never commit to having plans. It is driving me crazy, but it is making me want her more. lol I hate games and don't condone them, but if you are not too available, then you will be seeked out more. But, if you are too unavailable, then it will backfire. I am getting tired of trying to make plans with this woman and if things don't get better, then I will blow her off completely.

[ShySoul]

If you intentionally make yourself unavailable as an attempt to get her to want you more, its playing with her mind and thats not something you want to do to someone you are serious about. Games are just headaches. Save yourself the hassle of trying to find the balance between overly available and not available enough. Just go with what feels right. I find the more you think about what to do and what works or doesn't work, more problems it creates. Just do what comes naturally, being fair and reasonable along the way, and things work out for the best.

[ocrob]

Hi Lion-guy, I have to apologize. I did not read your earlier posts or mine and did not realize you are a guy. It sounds like things are going amazing. It sounds like this woman really likes you and that you like her. There is nothing wrong with showing her a lot of attention and asking her out. I don't know why, but I was giving you advice as if you were a woman. I do remember your post now and do apologize. I guess we all forget or skim too much, which I am guilty of getting mad at. I hate to be a hypocrate so I am truly sorry. This woman sounds awesome. It sounds like you have done everything right. Taking her to a nice dinner showed her that you care about her and that she is not just a one night stand. I don't think there is anything wrong with a man pursuing a woman. It is too bad you live so far away, but love knows no bouderies. You both sound like a good fit and I hope things work out. Good luck my friend. Again, I am sorry for not paying more attention before speaking. I hate that. lol

[Lion-Guy]

No problem ocrob. I am sure we all do it from time to time. Haaaa I was a little confused when you started referring to "her"..but then I realized the mix up.

 

Back to the topic, yes I think things have been amazing thus far. She seems like she is quite interested and I know that I am. This has been my first real interest since my break up and it feels so good to get back into the dating the world and have someone to start caring about. But at the same time I do find myself much more guarded this time. Probably a good thing, because I really got crushed by the last girl. But the best thing so far is that none of us has played the not available or too busy game. We both just call or meet eachother when we feel like it. And I never feel like it is too much or too little. I love that feeling.

 

I will keep you all updated as things progress.

 

BTW thanks to everyone for the support. It has been nice to finally switch over to the dating/love/romance/sex forums rather than the Breakup/Get back together ones. That was a dark 3 months of my life.