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Hope?? Words of Encouragement Needed

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Ok, this is my very first post, so please bear with me!! I started looking at this site about a week ago and realized there are some things that I could do better after the breakup. Now I am in need of some encouragement.


Here are the particulars: I was in a nine-month long relationship with a woman that I felt (feel) is the person made for me. She made me forget that I was ever married before. We connected on so many different levels it was almost scary to look back at it. During the realtionship, it was 95% utter happiness: sharing a bottle of wine on the beach at sunset once a week, cooking dinner together nearly every night of the week, etc.


After a few months, everyone gets into a routine and this was no different. At the same time, she began to go through a lot of family problems. She often considered her step-mom to be the major force in raising her and her sister (birth parents divorced when she was 7). In November, her step-mom started going through a mid-life crisis of sorts and walked out on her dad. She became a woman that my gf did not know nor understand. The separation and divorce became so ugly my gf's father came to live with her for a while. In the meantime, I am the ever-supportive bf, offering my shoulder to cry on, my ear to listen, and my support and love since the same sort of divorce happened to me almost five years ago. Meanwhile, I am new to outside sales and was having a down period in business that lasted about 3 months (finally, coming out of it now!!!). Although, I never complained about my job and tried to hide the fact that things were slow, this obviously added to the pressures that she was feeling in her own life, in addition to having to listen to her fathers' cries every day that she came home from work.


So, on the day before New Years Eve, she asks me to go to the beach to share a bottle of wine. You know that gut feeling that you get sometimes when you know something major is about to happen? Well, I had that for 4 hours leading up to our "date". I even stopped to see one of my clients (who just happens to be her best friend) and when the subject of her came up, I said, nonchalantly, that she was going to break up with me that afternoon!


After a divorce and several other breakups (some of which I did), I came to the realization that if it ever happened again, I would just play it off and say,"OK, that's fine" and act like it didn't bother me. That Friday afternoon, I was like that when she gave me a note saying that if things were different in our lives that we would be much better off. I told her that while I was disappointed and would be hurt a little, that I understood that she was caught up in a whirlwind of life and probably needed the time to sort things out. Aslo, I must point out that I have a 5 yr daughter (who is my little princess!!) and in her note she said that she did not want to hurt her any either. I respect that. I truly do.


Cut to New Years Eve evening. She calls. She wanted to tell me a funny story about how her dad met somebody on the beach that afternoon and was going to have a drink with later. Finally, I broke down and got emotional. THIS WAS SOMETHING THAT I TRIED MY BEST TO FIGHT. I never wanted her to feel that I was not in a position of control. She finally admitted that the reason she called was that she had not talked to me that day. At that point, I realized that there was a chance and that I would let her have her time to get her life straight.


A week later, it's a beautiful Sunday afternoon, I ask her to play tennis. She says no. I immediately go over to her house and sit down for another long conversation. We both cried, held each other, and admitted feelings, but she kept going back to the fact that because of what her step-mom has done to her and her father, she was afraid that she might be that way years down the road and did not want my daughter to feel the same pain and disappointment that she has felt. I respected that but tried to make sure that she understood that she was her own person with her own choices and decisions. Again, no use. A couple of more tears and I left.


I have seen her once since then. We both happened to be at the same bar one night. Everything was amicable, though no long runs from accross the room to a huge embrace. I have forwarded a few emails her way that I was used to doing anyway with all of my friends. That has since stopped after reading the advice of NC from this website.


My question is this:

From anyone's experience out there, is there hope for us? I know that no one knows for sure, I just happen to be in a down moment and wanted to find out who has been through the same thing. I could be with her forever, but only God Himself knows if that's meant to be. Sorry, for the long post, but it's nice to get things off your chest sometimes.

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hang in there....

really...what youre doing...the NC...it's the best thing for BOTH of you. if you do have a chance...the NC will make her miss you immensely. the NC will also help you get over her in case she doesnt come back.

i dont know what she's thinking...but i do know that stress causes a lot of problems in a relationship. sometimes the stress is too much and just the responsiblity of a relationship is overbearing.

hopefully she will be less stressed and will miss your compassion.

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My question is this:

From anyone's experience out there, is there hope for us?


I'm not a big advocate of hope. Regardless of all the hope you have things will still end up the same. It is possible, I'll give you that, but we've all heard the saying, "Anything's possible." It could go either way. If 5 people think there's hope and 3 people don't you're still not any closer to your answer.


She made me forget that I was ever married before.


That right there, that's hope. You've suffered through the end of a relationship before and found one even better. That's the way it goes. Only one relationship will ever work out and they keep getting better until you find the one that does.

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Well don't by that excuse of her dad's situation, it's just an excuse for the break up. She can't explain the reason why her feelings have changed, but she feels like she has to tell you something and this story fits right in.


To be honest, break ups are never a good thing. Lasting make ups are far a few between. If she decides that she made a mistake, she's going to have to prove to you that she deserves another chance and that she won't just dump you again.


In the meantime, relax, lay back, try to put some fun back into your life. Start talking to other chicks, nothing serious. Just look to have some fun.

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So, it's now 3 weeks into the NC. It has been a time that we both have needed. I have come to realize through a lot of thought and prayer and time with other women that I truly have more feelings for my ex than I realized. In fact, I truly believe that I could marry this woman (if the opportunity arises) and be happy the rest of my life.


Over a beer about five days ago, this comes out while talking to one of my buddies. Instantly, his response is that I have to tell her!! He firmly believes that I must let her know exactly how I feel. From what I've learned here and trying to trust my gut feeling, I believe that she should know but only after she has come back to me. Last night, I actually get a chance to talk to her best friend (which is one of my clients). I don't ask her to do anything but give me advice on the situation and tell her the same thing I've told my buddy. She agrees, but she believes that my ex must know how I feel. She (my ex) is still going through the worldwind of family problems and needs her life to settle down before she can bother with getting back into a relationship. She agreed that I should probably wait for her to call but also thought that it would probably be all right if I tried in a couple of weeks or so. I still don't know if this is something that I want to do. Her friend says that she truly believes that she is still in love with me and could see us getting back together at some point. I just want to make sure that she wants to come back on her terms.


All in all, I feel rejuvenated and excited about the possibilities if I remain patient.

Any comments or suggestions??

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From what I've read in How to Get Your Lover Back (Blaise Harris) and from The Art and Practice of Loving (Frank Andrews), one very important thing to remember when laying out your feelings is to be clear, direct, and brief, and to be prepared to accept whatever response you are given and to acknowledge it. For instance, if she says, I am just too confused right now, you say, I understand how you feel and I will be here if you need me. Don't overdo it, and keep a "yes" in your head toward the whole situation, if you know what I mean. Harris calls this "not resenting the task that you have undertaken."


"The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure." Joseph Campbell

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