seems like i dont have it in me no more

[shadowcat]

i mean the confidence to actually to go up to a girl and talk to her, its killing me cuz i see all ma friends wit nice girls, and each day i feel more loneliear.

I came to this country back when i was 6..i was a normal child till i experienced prejudice and sometimes racism, the young kids at school would beat me up, call me names, make fun of my lips, cuz people up here aint use to seein a guy with full lips, theyd make fun of they way i talked, i dindt have no friends, no nothing..this left a deep gash in my heart, well it went into grade 7,8 and 9 until i couldtnt take it no more, i started becoming more tuffer and i dindt take * * * * from no one, i started fighting, doin crimes, gettin arested , until i finally saw a phsyciatrist..she told me that outta my deep pain i treid to let go of that exguastion by doing crazy things..my confidence was so low i couldt even talk to the physciatirst.. in a way she helped me out though, she sent me to a skool with people with the same problems... well to get to the point my confidence went up a bit and i felt better, and i finally met this girl that i really really liked..

and she liked me, well we went out and i thought everything was going alright, till she told me that she still had feelings for her ex boyfriend and she couldt help it..and she felt the need to be with him... then i told her "why didnt u tell me from the beginning?? we would jus avoided all this drama..and of course i gota admit i cried cuz i really did dig this girl.. but facing the truth was the hardest so me and her decided to break it off..since then we havent talked, our relationship had lasted 1 year... and its been almost 2 years since i broke it off and now questions jus go through ma mind like "where did i go wrong..i treated this girl like gold? " how does her ex make her more happy then i do?" things like that, and i havent really had the guts to go up to girls i like, because i feel sometimes that im not good enough for them, i dont want to think on the past, but i ihave felt rejection all my life and it feels like a curse...

can somebody tell me what to do ?

[shadowcat]

so anytime now...

[arwen]

Hey shadowcat,

 

I understand your feelings of loneliness... you will have to start changing your life to change that. I hope to give you good advice, please know that we are pretty much in the same boat here!

 

First of all, to meet that special person, you need to believe in yourself. If you can't make yourself happy, no one else really can. The happiness that is brought to you by a romantic relationship, is an addition, not a filling of a gap. For me, the feeling of the gap is REALLY there. But I also realise that it's more likely for me to meet someone if I am happy in general.

 

So the first step would be to figure out ways to feel stronger about yourself. Do you like sports? I started martial arts (well, capoeira ) 4 months ago and it really helps building my confidence. Do you have a job or studies that you like? What are your passions? I have noticed that the ending of my studies (Linguistics, my true passion) made me feel at loss. So I found capoeira and some other things to bring back the fire in my life. Maybe this will help you too.

 

The feeling of rejection can be like a curse. The fear actually witholds us from meeting great people, we are too scared to be rejected again. I think the best way to change that is to act different on the feeling of fear. Instead of pulling back and not talking to people, you should just start by doing it one time. Start out by someone that you are not in love with per se, but that you would like to get to know, just for talking. Start talking. Then, if you think she is someone you'd like to date, maybe ask her out for dinner. It will help you get over the fear.

 

Take care,

 

ilse

[shadowcat]

well thats where im confused, i dont really have someting i really like..the thing is i have an "identity crisis" i dont really know where im going in life, like i dropped outta school when i was 16 and since then i been working in factories or jus wanderin out in the streets with some "friends" , when i was 18 i tried goin back to school, but i had this "fear" and i was always alone at school, homework was real tuff for me cuz i dindt have any friends or study buddies to get my crap going, finally igot frustrtaded and jus let go again of school, i went back to doin ma thing, now im 21 and i cant seem to find what i like..its hard to find something when ur depressed, when ur not happy, when evrything infront of you seems foggy, i even asked God " why am i on this planet, what did i came for, i see evrybody else progressing gettn there college degrees, nice jobs, nice ride, nice girls, friends, my bro and sis progessin in there life and evrything and i feel like its all my fault that im in the position that i am, ive even had thoughts of suicide but i know that will only make it worse, a friend recommended i take martial arts cuz he says it raises ur confidence, but i dont know, what im trying to say is i havent found my passion, i havent really found a purpose in my life.

[arwen]

Hey shadowcat,

 

I understand. I think that something that you will like is still out there, it's just waiting to be found.

 

I can understand that you feel lost after dropping out of school, you are still a young bloke, why not finish school now? I know in Holland you can just do so yourself (without the possibly embarrassing going back to school). Do you live with your parents? If you do, and work, it might be possible for you to pay school and eventually maybe an education to get better jobs? I should imagine that day after day at a factory can get quite depressing if there is little else in your life.

 

Next to finding that 'else' in your life, I think getting more education will at least help you to improve your perspective, and give you the sense of moving forward instead of standing stuck.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[shadowcat]

yeah i know what your saying, ive always felt like that by getting my education i will have more self respect, because right now i dont have self respect at all, im always thinking low of myself cuz of how i dropped outta school and other things, but things like "problems" with people and teachers at school have always let me down, have backed me up from doing what i want, i really need help with this, i dont want to have these social fears anymore, i do want to get my education, i do wana be somebody, go places..maybe even be an example, but i jus need the right start...i would like to go into some program that would get rid of my social fears and my inferior complex attitude that ive had since my adolence.

you u know its all easy to say it, its easy to dream and what not, but to do it, thats tuff.