Last man on Earth, or the party, or the bar, or the...

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

No matter where I am, at a party or any social setting, and I see a woman I am attracted to or meet and click with, I feel that she wouldn't choose me unless I was the last man on the planet. I think she'd scour the moon before she eventualy will settle for me here on Earth. Basically, I feel inferior to other men. I know it is wrong to compare myself to other men, but the dating scene is so competitive. It's like gladiators in an arena with their massive swords and all I have is a paper clip (that's not a penis analogy btw lol) When I see women looking at guys around me and ignoring me at the same time, how else am I supposed to feel? When I get no responses from online dating services after sending my pictures, how am I supposed to feel?

 

Like I do now, alone and lousy. That fool that Mr. T pities, it's me.

[tmp0620]

You're not alone in feeling that way. It's really frustrating feeling inferior. I've been dealing with that since I started being interested in girls. I feel ugly and small, and I'm also the silent type (often painfully shy).

 

If I had any advice to give, it would be this: look your best (a given), be approachable (don't look angry or bitter, have a good time), and if neither of those work, don't try to pick up chicks and instead make friends with women and get to know them and let them get to know you, so that they have more to go on then your looks and how well you socialize at a party, club or whatever.

 

Also, if you're consciously thinking that "she wouldn't choose me unless I was the last man on the planet", there's a good chance that it shows. You're not gonna look like a very secure, confident person with that running through your mind. Finally, at least give these women a chance to give you a chance. You don't honestly expect women to come flocking to you do you? Smile at the girls you find attractive as you pass them.

 

Disclaimer: I've never had a girlfriend and I'm lucky if I ever talk to girls in person. I'm still pretty sure I'm spot on with this stuff though. Now if only I could follow my own advice......

 

Edit: I know I'm 20 and you're 32 (more experience), but I think this is pretty universal advice that anyone at any age (over 18 ) could give.

 

Edit #2: You live in New York City? You gotta be able to get into one of those speed dating things.

[musicguy]

I agree with you. I don't get any responses when I have my pics up on online dating services either.

[Lily04]

You just have low self-esteem. I don't know what it will take for you for that to improve. How old are you? Instead of constantly posting about this, why not do something productive about it? I *always* see you posting about this. Go see a psychologist/counsellor, or join a group, learn to be more social, see yourself in a better light. Honestly, what will it take? Whatever it is, do that. YOU know yourself better than anyone, I can't tell you what it will be. But you have to take it seriously because it is affecting your perception of yourself and seems to be often in your thoughts.

 

You will find someone but not with that attitude. So something has to change. Sit down, get a coffee, and think about what that is. Maybe discuss it with your best friend (who hopefully has more confidence) or a counsellor, someone you trust.

 

Good luck,

 

Lily

[Lily04]

My gosh, you're 32 and feel like this? Man. I just re-read your post, and you seem to be upset about your appearance (I didn't read it all before.) So change that. Seriously -- spend your money on a gym membership, work out 5 days a week and lose weight. I did it before & felt great. If you don't do anything to change, and keep moaning, then maybe you don't deserve it anyway. Sorry to be harsh, but you have 412 posts. I'd bet about 90% of them are about this problem. If you spent a fraction of that time working out instead of complaining, I'm sure you'd be much happier about yourself and your appearance. Also, pictures can often convey confidence/mood/personality even to an extent... if you look sorta depressed in your pic., girls will sense that and perhaps not message you. Honestly, even the ugliest of people get dates. It's not that that's the problem. But your perception of yourself is. So go to the gym, get a haircut or do something to change that. And I don't want to see another post from you unless it's a post about how you're going to change your attitude, because at least that's productive.

 

Take care,

 

Lily

[Kevin T]

I kind of agree with Lily. I used to walk around and think the same thing about me. "Oh, I'm ugly." "No one wants me." "Why would SHE be hitting on me?" "What do I have to offer someone like HER?" And on and on.

 

It got me nowhere. I was going on and on about something that I felt I couldn't change. But you can. I don't think you have to change your looks, unlike what Lily said though. Working out, changing clothing styles, etc., etc. are all superficial and on the outside and thereforeeee, even if you were THE most attractive guy on the planet... guess what? You'd still feel the way you do because it's not your looks that are the problem. It's your outlook.

 

If you believe you are ugly, then you act as though you are unworthy of love and a beautiful girlfriend. In other words, you act out what you already believe to be true (whether or not it is.) I have a close friend who is well over 300 pounds. Guess what? He has a wife (now anyway; they dated for 5 or so years first) and they are extremely happy. He believed he could find his soul mate and, lo and behold, he did! I'm very happy for him (and maybe even a little envious of their love, too - but that's beside the point. lol)

 

You need to believe in yourself. I know; cliche... but it's the honest truth. You do deserve to be loved and to find your soul mate. But you have to be the man that she needs to love her. She needs a man to treat her like she's a million bucks. But how can you do that if you're so focused on your peceived inadequacies? You can't, obviously. I think it would help you to try and think of ways that you can better yourself to become the man that you know your future soul mate deserves.

 

Let me ask you a question: Why do you feel inferior to other men? Tell me specifically what it is about them/you that makes you feel this way. Is it looks? Your job? A handicap of some kind? A psychological problem? What exactly makes you feel this way? Not trying to be nosy, just want to help.

 

I can relate to you though. Oh boy can I ever! I often feel the same way about women, or... I used to. But I had to stop totally focusing on the negative as how I saw it and start seeing myself as someone deserving love and acceptance by women. Basically, if you don't think you've got something to offer, then what DO you have to offer? I'm sure you have many good qualities that most women would kill for, but you're too consumed with your self right now to see it. Do I empathize? Greatly. But you can't stay in self-pity forever or nothing will ever change. Lily had a great point when she said to DO something about it.

 

I'm not saying go brazenly about and ask out 50 girls in one night (stupid IMO), but you could work on trying to cultivate the good qualities that you have in order to make yourseld desirable to the opposite sex. Make the see that you're funny, romantic, kind, loving, warm, etc, etc. (I don't know your qualities, but you do!) Is it hard work? Of course, but it will pay off in the end.

 

I'm struggling with some issues in my own life too, but I know this works. There are too many examples of guys that I know personally (who are far LESS attractive than myself) who are now married or in a serious committed relationship while I am not, which means that looks aren't everything (believe it or not!)

[Miss M]

When I see women looking at guys around me and ignoring me at the same time, how else am I supposed to feel?

Hey KO, I wonder how the other girls feel who are looking at you while you're looking at someone else?

 

Like I've told you before, I don't typically go for the cute guys that other girls like, but I really don't have clue how I would get a response out of a guy who won't even look in my direction.

 

And also I don't know how to get a response out of a guy who is hopelessly stuck in self-rejection. But then, if he's that sure that I won't like him, maybe I should really accept that he knows more about his worth than I do?

 

I wonder how many genuinely nice guys are walking around without a love interest just because they are totally (and wrongly) convinced they aren't wanted?

[Kevin T]

Whoa, good points, Miss M. (I suppose I should be taking mental notes here, too.)

[Miss M]

Whoa, good points, Miss M. (I suppose I should be taking mental notes here, too.)

Actually, I totally agree with your previous post too. You made a lot of very excellent points. I even thought of my words as a way to add to what you already wrote... I just tend to put my own spin on it.

 

And KO have been having this same discussion for a while now. He's a really nice guy who would have no trouble getting a girl if he stopped self-rejecting... and I just can't resist getting in his face about this from time to time.