Help! What happened with him?

[kiwifly]

I'm hoping you guys can help me out here, because this is driving me crazy. I have made posts on this forum about my supervisor who I liked (and still like) since working with him in the summer. We met up a few times since then and we are now on good terms and whatnot...but here's the problem: he recently took up a position as an instructor at my university for this term. I knew he was going to teach at my school sometime, but I had no idea this soon. I only found out because my friend mentioned his name as her teacher for one of her classes. Imagine my surprise!

 

So now technically he is a teacher at my school, and since I'm a student there, it really messes with my chances of possibly getting into a relationship with him. But I don't know if he likes me still: there have been many times where I was sure but sometimes not as much. I mean, he's real nice, always smiles when he sees me and looks into my eyes that makes me blush just to look back!!

 

I found out he was teaching at my school last Friday, so today I decided to meet up with my friend after his class to see him. He was surprised to see me, and he was still nice and everything, but there was something about him that made me feel like he wasn't as comfortable as he used to be with me and the usual twinkle he would have in his eye when i'd see him was gone. He wasn't as talkative either so now I'm all confused! Did he like me and now he can't do anything about it so he's keeping his distance?? Or does he just not like me ever? ](*,) I'm going crazy! What should I do??

[daredevil]

He is a teacher and can't show feelings towards his students because that would perhaps make him judge this individual in other ways than if he didn't show feelings, peope would perhaps get the impression that he treated u differently or something, perhaps that is the reason he is acting strange. Your way around this is to still be nice, smile and be the same person as always, perhaps if u know someone who knows him, u could let these people know that youre kind of interested, and then see if this can lead to a positive response from him.. thats one of the ways I think this situation could be better managable for you, on the other hand i can of course follow u, when you say it's hard when he is in a position as a teacher etc, but one step a time, do not chane behaviour etc let things develop and take the chances becoming available to you

[Darketernal]

unfortunately the following rule applies ' never stick your pen into the company ' although this is school it is a real job for him.

 

If they find out he's having an affair with you or any given student, he'll lose his job , his position, his future career and what not. You might be able to date 'outside' school, but that could still leave a lot of explaining to do when school managment finds out.

 

Im really going against you having an affair with him. It will lead to chaos.

[kiwifly]

I don't know if the word "affair" applies to my situation (as far as I know he isn't married) but I get what you're saying. I know, now as he's in a position as an instructor at my school I guess I have to be careful. But does getting a job at the school mean that he's going to push his feelings for me to the side?

[Lily04]

I don't know if the word "affair" applies to my situation (as far as I know he isn't married) but I get what you're saying. I know, now as he's in a position as an instructor at my school I guess I have to be careful. But does getting a job at the school mean that he's going to push his feelings for me to the side?

 

Hey kiwifly,

 

Nice to hear an update on the situation. =) I think if he was interested he probably is just wanting to keep it cool for a bit. Something like that happened with me before with a TA that was also attracted to me as well... but to be honest, I think you should get the facts from him and see if he does like you in that way or not. A 'twinkle' in his eye is nice, but you've been attracted to this guy since... what, May/June? It's been 7 months and you still don't know if he likes you or not! So, honestly, call him up and ask him if he wants to meet sometime (ask about his perceptions of the school, etc. just make conversation.) Even if he wants to meet to study, I think you said he's a Ph.D student, correct? that's innocent... then tell him that you're interested, but not sure if he is or not as well, but you wanted to know because you don't like to leave things like this hanging (or something to that effect.) I don't know... I just wouldn't feel comfortable with liking someone for so long and still being iffy about his feelings for you. If he isn't interested (maybe he even has a girlfriend), then you know it's time to move on...

 

Hope that helped. I know it may not be the most idealistic response, but you have to move things along. Especially now that he's teaching... if you're not in his class, it's fine if he dates you, there shouldn't be a rule against that.

 

Plus, I find some people just have a natural twinkle in their eye when they like someone, maybe find them attractive, but may not necessarily want to date. Especially if they're sorta naturally charismatic/affectionate people.. one of my profs. acts that way with me, but I know he's not interested, he's married anyway. He just does that when he's amused and maybe finds something cute, but it doesn't necessarily mean he likes you... I just don't want to see you really hung up on this guy and then getting hurt that's all. You have to either hook up or move on... like another title of a thread on this forum says "I have to know -- I either ask her out or move on." I think that approach is best. If you've been thinking he's liked you for about 6-8 months now and nothing's happened... maybe he just doesn't see you in that way... or isn't ready right now.

 

Take care,

 

Lily

[kiwifly]

Lily, thank you for your comment! Well two things though, he's not a phd student (he was just my supervisor at the place I volunteered in the summer) and I guess you could say that I've had a thing for him since august, but I think you are right that it is dragging on too long. I think the reason why I still like him is because I have a feeling he hasn't asked me about anything like going out yet since he's always had this authority position over me (supervisor in the summer, now as a teacher at my school). Maybe he wants to but can't because of that? And I don't know, I'm probably not describing it too well here, but even though once in a while I wonder if he likes me, most of the time I feel confident he does (when I would meet with him or talk with him I'd just know, like a gut feeling).

 

I have actually gone out a few times with some guys in my classes the past few months, so it isn't exactly that I'm just focused on him. Just that I like him the most But I guess I do have to start really moving on if I want to save myself from heartache. I know this sounds cheesy, but I just have this feeling not to completely move on just yet...you can see how I'm driving myself crazy over this!

[Kevin T]

Waiting since summer to initiate a relationship with someone now = bad idea. Almost sounds like a recipe for rejection (IMHO at least).

[Lily04]

I have actually gone out a few times with some guys in my classes the past few months, so it isn't exactly that I'm just focused on him. Just that I like him the most But I guess I do have to start really moving on if I want to save myself from heartache. I know this sounds cheesy, but I just have this feeling not to completely move on just yet...you can see how I'm driving myself crazy over this!

 

Yeah, it is sorta irrational. But I was like that a lot last year, so I can understand. hehe. But since then, I think I've learned not to hold on for too long... yes, he was in a position of authority, BUT at a volunteer place? It would have been possible to date if he really wanted. Hell, my first year TA and I were close and he told me he would have went out with me if he weren't already in a relationship & leaving the country soon... I just feel that he's probably not making a move because he doesn't want to date. And that could be for a number of reasons, but maybe he also senses how much you like him & that's also putting him off... I've just found that guys tend to be drawn to you when they sense you're not so much into them as well, then it's sorta like a challenge... you don't want to seem too needy either. It's the same way for guys wanting girls... but like I was obsessed with one of my TAs last year and ultimately had a crush on him from July (when I had him for a summer course) --> January of last year, and then just realized how obsessed I was with him and really felt sickened by myself (made a post about that last year, hehe) and just moved on really quickly then. I don't know. Maybe it's just my personality, I'm so independent that getting that attached to someone when we weren't even dating sorta scared me. And I resolved not to let it happen again. It was also his personality though... he was so arrogant I hated myself for not seeing that...

 

ANYHOO... umm. I think my gut feeling in all of this is to move on... if he really wanted a relationship he would have put more effort into trying to meet you, even before he became an instructor there.

 

Hope that helped,

 

Lily

[kiwifly]

Lily, the more I read your responses the more I think you're absolutely right. I was thinking about it more today and I think it just hit me just how foolish I've become. I tend to be like this, get myself so in over my head when I like a guy even before there is any chance! When I'm like this I tend to forget my past experiences, and today I remembered how I have been foolish like this many times before. I always waited around for a guy to make a move, I'd be convinced he liked me and yet nothing would happen.

 

I need to move on...it's over. You're right, if he was interested he would have done something by now. There is probably someone out there for me who would suit me better. I just have to stay strong and not give in to these feelings!!

 

So any tips on how I can make myself stop liking him?

[Lily04]

Yes, exactly. I think you came to the right conclusion. I just remembered how I'm sorta friends with guys & they probably think I like them because I smile at them, share intimate stuff with them, and I know they like me because they always check me out and stuff... but honestly, I don't like them. I just don't want to be mean and since we DO get along really well, have a compatible personality... it's not like I'm going to ignore them/be really distant with them. I get the sense that this guy is the same way... he probably knows you like him, and he probably likes you on some level as well, but just as friends... i.e. you guys get along, but he can't really see you as a girlfriend right now. And it's not a bad thing at all, there's lots of other people out there.

 

As for the question of how to move on... that was really difficult for myself last year. When I tend to like someone I can be very persistent with trying to seduce them... haha. But what worked for me was just seeing how it wasn't going anywhere and saw that he probably wasn't the right type of person for me. The guy in question I was obsessed about because he ultimately would have been perfect for a short fling (he's SO incredibly hot, a varsity athlete, poet and Ph.D candidate...I just wanted to bring him home with me & have fun I guess. There was that level of sexual tension.) But I noticed there were some qualities lacking that would not make for a great long-term relationship... he's too arrogant (because he's hot I guess), not very friendly, sorta withdrawn, and just not mature enough... he still acts like an immature college student in a lot of ways. It turned me off. But then when I started turning away from him, he started becoming attracted to me... tried to meet me and stuff. But I just turned away (literally) when he did (would start talking into my cell phone, say I have to leave.) That's what I mean by guys like a challenge, especially hot guys because they're not used to it. When I acted like I didn't care about him, he wasn't good enough for me anyway, then he really started to like me... haha. But I knew if I dated him I would become obsessed with him again and I had too much going on in my life anyway...

 

So anyway... I would say if he doesn't want to go out with you there's probably reasons why you guys wouldn't make a good couple. You probably know them deep down. Remind them to yourself & if possible, try to keep your eyes open for other guys. You'll soon enough meet someone else & forget about him. That's what happened with me too. Writing my feelings down (in the form of poetry/journal or blog entries) helped for me as well to let out the frustration.

 

Hope that helped. I think you're honestly making the right choice... and ironically enough only a month after I did last year. hehe.

 

Take care,

 

Lily

[kiwifly]

Thanks for the advice! Lately whenever I start to think about him again, I do what you did and think of why we wouldn't make a good couple. It's hard, especially since I can find more reasons why we would make a good couple! Today I was talking with a friend of mine who knows about my situation, and who has heard about it since the very beginning, and I told her to help me with forgetting about him. She seemed hesitant to, saying that I should wait until he finishes teaching there then finally just ask him out once and for all. If he doesn't give a positive response or even if he does, at least I will finally know what is really going on. The end of the term is only a few months away...I don't know though. Should I wait until then or should I just really move on? My gut (and my friend) says I shouldn't move on, but my head really wants to. :S

[Lily04]

Hey Kiwifly,

 

you poor thing! lol. I hate that feeling where your head is telling you something, but your heart is telling you something different. WELL... I don't know. In my experience it's best just to move on. But your situation could be different I guess. Why not just ask him to do something (tutor you perhaps?) or give him a call at least? Don't wait a whole semester esp. if you're not in his class...

 

But it's up to you. I'd rather find out now than later. But just promise me that you will find out by the the course ends! Because otherwise it will drive you crazy! lol. =) And if he just wants to be friends, don't be too upset... it seems like you really like this guy. There's lots of other guys out there... trust me. And Ph.D students aren't necessarily the most attractive either.

 

Lily

[Lily04]

So, did you get over him? Or what happened? Update is needed, girl! hahaha.