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Don't need sex for relationship to work?


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Recently me and mf gf of 6 months had a pregnancy scare. Ever since she has stopped wanting to have sex. We always used a condom, but she wasn't on birth control. I told her we should look into it but she said she doesnt have the money, and when I told her I would help pay, she said our relationship doesn't need sex to survive. I could try doing this, but I really don't want this to be the case. Should I just give her time?

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Recently me and mf gf of 6 months had a pregnancy scare. Ever since she has stopped wanting to have sex. We always used a condom, but she wasn't on birth control. I told her we should look into it but she said she doesnt have the money, and when I told her I would help pay, she said our relationship doesn't need sex to survive. I could try doing this, but I really don't want this to be the case. Should I just give her time?

 

First off, there are MANY places to receive free or low cost birth control. Call Planned Parenthood. It is not that expensive, really. I am concerned however she is refusing your help, which I wonder if that indicates that perhaps she does not want sex at all (red flag).

 

Second, a relationship should not be BASED on sex, but once you have reached that level of intimacy, it is VERY difficult to go back on it without both people truly wanting to. You over time will feel rejected and resentful, and she will perhaps feel like her feelings are not being understood and respected.

 

Now, pregnancy scares are indeed unpleasant to go through, however, that is a risk you both took when you started having sex, and it is both your responsibilities to take measures to reduce that risk as much as possible. Even then there is no guarantee, so there needs to be communication on what you would do as a couple should it occur.

 

Now, aside from that issue, I do have some concerns on her comment...now, it is true, that you don't need it to "survive" but that level of intimacy as I said is hard to go back on once you are there. Has she proposed that you can do other things, like oral, for example, instead, or is this a strict "ban"? When does she suggest you DO have sex again in the future? When you are both more committed, when you are married, when you can support a child, when she can afford birth control? Some clarification on that would help as well. It may be smart to abstain for a while if you are both not ready to take on a child, however, it there also needs to be a lot of communication that this should not be a permanent thing, and that there are other ways of having sexual intimacy without sex.

 

The fact that a pregnancy scare has caused her to want to withdraw is not surprising, but I am concerned that she is also saying no to you helping with her paying for birth control, and her comments that you do not need sex. Does she perhaps feel your relationship got TOO much about sex? Does she have a low libido? Is she losing feelings? These are all things that could also play a part.

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Contrary to what most people will say, sex is not necessary for a relationship to work. If you truly love and care for one another, you will be able to continue the relationship for the time being based solely on what is really important, your feelings for one another. Sex is enjoyable and something we want, but it is not an absolute necessary in a relationship.

 

It is most likely that she still wants to have sex just as you do. However, she has been scared be the recent possibility of being pregnant, something she isn't ready for. Thus she has decided its better to be overly cautious and just avoid even the slightest chance of such a thing happening again. Love her, talk to her, work with her. In time she should become comfortable with the idea again. But if you come off as needing sex and turning it into a major issue, she will most likely brush the issue away and pull back more, making it a lot longer before she is comfortable with sex again. Either that or she will cave in and give it to you, but she won't really be in making it less enjoyable and causing her to feel resentment.

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Some people will say you need sex, others will say you don't. But, the important question is, "do YOU need sex for a relationship to work for you?"

 

For me, the answer is yes. Sex is something that I will only share with my partner. I can have a million friends, but only one special friend will I be intimate with. Part of being a healthy, normal human being is having a sex drive. To not have an outlet for your libido can lead to significant frustration.

 

It's like this: I am a major chocoholic - I eat chocolate everyday. Could I go the rest of my life without eating another bite of chocolate? Yes, but why would I want to? Could I go the rest of my life without having sex? Yes, but why would I want to?

 

RayKay brings up a good point. Is she cutting off everything, or just some sexual contact? Maybe it's good to take a break until things have calmed down.

 

But, yes, at some point, it would be good to resume a sexual relationship. Can you picture yourself being married to someone who doesn't want to have sex? I can't.

 

If she is giving finances as the reason she doesn't want to get on birth control, and you are offering to pay, something is off. I would talk to her about how you both are feeling and what risks you are willing and not willing to take.

 

good luck

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I think given your situation your gfs reaction is normal, she is scared and is acting accordingly. I dont feel that these feelings are going to last for a long period of time once the shock wears off, who knows wut happens. If you want to wait it out then feel free to do so at this point thats your best course of action.

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I think given your situation your gfs reaction is normal, she is scared and is acting accordingly. I dont feel that these feelings are going to last for a long period of time once the shock wears off, who knows wut happens. If you want to wait it out then feel free to do so at this point thats your best course of action.

 

Well, I agree with daywalker. I bet that she is really scared right now and the shock of the possible pregnancy will die down in a few weeks or months. Just be supportive of her.

 

If it doesn't die down, then you may want to have a conversation with her in a few weeks or months about the different forms of birth control out there. Maybe go to planned parenthood together, or do some searching on the net about different birth control products.

 

Hopefully, this all won't lead to a break up. I'm 90% sure that it won't

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Thanks for all the replies. I am hoping it will die down, because I don't know if I could handle a non sexual relationship. Would it be shallow to end it later if her attitude doesn't change? I feel like I can wait it out now, but not forever..

 

And no, I don't think it would be shallow. The person you are dating should NOT be the one stopping you from having a healthy sex life.

 

I mean, if you want to have biological children one day, you're going to have to have a sexual relationship with a woman! It's not shallow at all - just a natural, normal human drive.

 

But, I bet she is a bit shocked right now.... give her some time and comfort.

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My opinion: couples who wait until marriage to have sex are taking a risk that they may be sexually incompatible. The three main areas of relational compatibility, in my view, are emotional, intellectual and sexual ... and you should explore these before marrying someone in order to avoid trouble down the road because of undiscovered (and hence unknown) incompatibilities.

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so just because their not ready to be intimate with each other or choose to wait, your saying that they are merely friends? your logic seems a little off here. what about with religus couples that wait till marriage.. are they not a couple?

 

No, I think that is a different case (I agree with nova's views, but I do understand some do want to, and will wait).

 

The problem in the original poster's situation is that it's not BOTH of them whom are choosing to wait, and not be intimate. They have already gone that route, and now the situation is changing.

 

Although I think in the OP's situation, it's a normal reaction after a pregnancy scare and so some patience and communication is important at this time to also gauge how his gf plans to approach this in the future. However, it also should not be the case where she just refuses any communication or compromise on the issue without much explanation (ie first she said it was because she could not afford birth control, then he offered to help pay and suddenly it was something else....).

 

I do not think melrich was classifying a relationship that has not progressed to that step yet as not being a relationship, I think he was referring more to relationships that HAVE gone to that next step, and then one or both partners have stopped having interest in sex, or withdrawn sexually - which we see a lot of around here. All relationships operate on their own time, and before they reach a state of sexual exploration, they are still building and growing, and there is intimacy there even if it is not sex....so that is a couple. Eventually they get there. Those that however "regress" are those that become more like friendships/roommates then couples.

 

This is of course excluding things like medical reasons, but rather referring to the phenom when someone starts expressing a disinterest in sex at all, and the sex life goes down the toilet with little communication about it, or a desire to work on it.

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  • 1 month later...

the yang to the worlds yin, I fully agree with you. I hate this rigid classification people have for realtionships. NO sex = frienship. Sex = relationship. Being in love vs. loving someone. Relationships are so complex, love is so complex. I definitely don't think sex is essential for a relationship to work, if it meets both people's needs.

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i think that just because people chose to wait doesn't mean that they aren't in a relationship. I've not fully had intercourse, neither has my bf, we're waiting, but if relationships do fall into those categories, then i've had a pretty intimate friendship with him that I would never share with my other guy friends.

 

maybe since i've never had sex I don't understand the whole connection that happens, but I think that us waiting and then being together once we're married isn't going to be a problem. maybe if one of us had sex and then we expected something completely different, but sex does get better with time and how comfortable you are with the person and I'm so excited that I have one person that I am going to be able to learn with.

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so just because their not ready to be intimate with each other or choose to wait, your saying that they are merely friends? your logic seems a little off here. what about with religus couples that wait till marriage.. are they not a couple?

 

Yes, see RayKay's comment above. That is taking my comment totally out of context. The OPs question was not about waiting to have sex, it was about being in an ongoing relationship where there is no sex whatsoever. And a further comment that a relationship can survive without the presense of intimacy.

 

There was no context whatsoever around "waiting for the right moment" or "waiting until marriage".

 

You have a relationship with someone where there is no presense of intimacy and it is a friendship.

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Relationships do not need sex to survive. A relationship without sex is not a friendship. You can be just as intimate and share an intense bond and passion with one another without there being sex. If you love each other, you will stay together and not need sex to prove that love. You will not let your hormones get the best of you. You will respect a persons choice to not have it. The problem only comes when the rest of the relationship is not good as well. But it has nothing to do with sex. It's about compatibility and communication.

 

Yes, there should be intimacy. But intimacy is not the same as sex. Intimacy can hugs. It can be simply spending the night beside her and holding each other. It doesn't have to include sexual relations.

 

maybe since i've never had sex I don't understand the whole connection that happens, but I think that us waiting and then being together once we're married isn't going to be a problem. maybe if one of us had sex and then we expected something completely different, but sex does get better with time and how comfortable you are with the person and I'm so excited that I have one person that I am going to be able to learn with

 

I think you understand it better then many that have had sex. You understand that connection well enough to know that a supposed lack of experience isn't going to affect things. You know that it is about how comfortable you are with the person. And you know that much of the fun is in learning together. Something tells me that the two of you are going to have no problem connecting in the bedroom, because of how well you connect out of it.

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i think people are fully capable of having a wonderful relationship without the presense of intimacy.

 

Yes, there should be intimacy. But intimacy is not the same as sex. Intimacy can hugs. It can be simply spending the night beside her and holding each other.

 

LOL....thank god we agree on something.

 

Cheers

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