Did I overreact?

[Goodfun88]

The other day I was at my boyfriend's uncle's house and things got a little bit out of hand. They were drinking and carrying on like men do and one guy started talking about how if he ever died he wouldn't leave his wife anything cause he knew she would just end up meeting some other guy and that guy would get everything that he had worked so hard for. I was in shock. But I kept my mouth shut, just listening to see if there was any way I had misunderstood what he had said, but he just kept going and going. My boyfriend looked at me and said what do you think about that? I just went off, I couldn't believe anyone would say that about there wife of 37 years. Finally I got him to admit that he was just talking a big game and he doesn't actually think that way. So I was feeling good.

 

Then this guy says to me, "All men cheat and you need to know this if you and him (my boyfriend) ever get married." I said so your telling me all men cheat? I was livid. Not only can you not make that assumption, but to say it to a lady in the way that he did, like he expected me to accept it and be ok with it. I was so mad, all the while my boyfriend says NOTHING! So I got up, went to the bathroom. While I was in the bathroom I just kept getting madder and madder. So I get out of the bathroom, grab my purse and walk out the door. I got in my car and I was just trying to compose myself so I could drive home when my boyfriend comes out to the car. He tells me, oh don't worry about him, he's old school, he doesn't know what he's talking about, he's just drunk. I was like thats fine, and he knows I can handle talking and hanging with the guys, but this just pushed me to the limit. He asks me to go back inside, so I do.

 

Not more than 5 minutes later, they start talking about how women are the ones that are supposed to cook and clean (I agree, but they were taking it to the extreme like women belong on there knees scrubbing the floor). Then my boyfriend says he'd like to find a girl like that. That was it for me. I asked him if he could get a ride home with his friend and that I had to leave now. He

was like ok. So he insists on walking me out and asks what's wrong. I told him that maybe we shouldn't see each other if he's looking for the kind of girl that belongs scrubbing floors, cause that was not me (I'm kinda messy). He said no no no, I was just being one of the guys and thought that would sound good. I asked him if he forgot that I was there and he said no. Anyways we worked things out but I felt bad for storming out but I just couldn't take it anymore. I hate being dramatic, but I just couldn't sit there anymore. Did I overreact?

[Ms Omaniac]

god.

sometimes i just cant stand when a bunch of men get together and they start acting like sexist biggots. not all guys are like that.

i think your bf's uncle was doing that on purpose to get you all worked up and he was testing his nephew to see if he could be a MAN.

i think the situation got out of hand but i blame the uncle and the alcohol. i would have been upset because your bf didnt show you respect and he was trying to impress his uncle.

[Scout]

It seems to me like these guys were deliberately pushing your buttons, even more so when they realized how much they were upsetting you. I don't think it's cool at all of your boyfriend to condone a situation where his girlfriend is subjected to misogynous remarks that are clearly being made with the purpose of upsetting her.

 

I'm sorry, I just don't get why a boyfriend would do that.

[Bobo]

Did I overreact?

 

Majorly...

[Goodfun88]

It seems to me like these guys were deliberately pushing your buttons, even more so when they realized how much they were upsetting you. I don't think it's cool at all of your boyfriend to condone a situation where his girlfriend is subjected to misogynous remarks that are clearly being made with the purpose of upsetting her.

 

I'm sorry, I just don't get why a boyfriend would do that.

 

 

I don't think it started out that they were trying to irritate me, it was just a conversation, but none of them had any consideration for me being there. And unfortunately I cannot bite my tongue to save my life. Also I don't know that my boyfriend realized that I was so upset till I told him I was going to leave. He just made that comment without thinking and it hurt me and he did apologize and we did leave together after that. I was pissed at my boyfriend, but its hard when guys are in a group together, he probably didn't want to seem like he was whipped and wanted to be one of the guys. But I still can't believe those guys truly believe what they were saying (my boyfriend was quiet for the most part), but it wasn't a joke, which is why it bothered me the most.

[Goodfun88]

Majorly...

 

Care to elaborate?

[Scout]

Well, I'm glad you said something to them. Their comments were uncool and untrue! I sense you're disappointed your boyfriend didn't say something to that affect, too. And if I were in your shoes, I'd be irked about that, too. However, maybe he realizes now it was wrong of him to let the situation happen, and will be mindful of that in the future.

[Goodfun88]

Yeah, he knows he was way wrong! And I know its hard for him since I am his first serious relationship since high school (he is twenty-eight). He's not exactly sure what he's supposed to do and I'm patient with him in that regard.

[Scout]

Well, if he feels unsure about how to act in a relationship, I'd address that concern at some point. In my opinion, one should act like themself as much as possible, but of course, you want to consider your partner's feelings, too. I think you can point out to him that you definitely considered his feelings by keeping silent as long as you possibly could, because you didn't want to create an uncomfortable scene. However, when the conversation went over the line, you had to act on that.

 

Maybe he thinks the whole thing was a "friends versus girlfriend" situation, and that if he objected to what the others were saying, it would appear he was "siding" with you. What's important for him to understand is that his friend is the person who created a situation that called for taking sides to begin with - not you. That, coupled with the fact that the remarks made were offensive, was reason enough for him to step in and say, "hey guys - this isn't really cool to talk like this in front of a female, no matter what your opinion is. Show some respect."

 

Hopefully, he'll do that in the future. If not, I sense some potential areas of conflict, and you two should figure out before that happens how you'll deal with conflict. That's also an important part of relationships and your boyfriend needs to know that - how to deal with the inevitable rocky points.

[Goodfun88]

I definitely agree Scout, thanks for all of your advice!

[Scout]

You're welcome! No one is perfect, and if there's anything I've learned about relationships, it's that you have to deal with the conflicts head on instead of sweeping them under the rug. The job for you here, in light of the fact your boyfriend is a bit inexperienced in relationships, is to somehow show him it's ok when conflicts arise - as long as you both have a plan on how to deal with them!

[RayKay]

I agree with Scout. I also really think at 28 or whatever, it should not be a question of "not knowing how to act" - he should feel enough respect and consideration to already KNOW and FEEL what he should do. Don't let that be an excuse for bad behaviour! Conflicts are normal and bound to occur, part of a healthy relationship when handled properly at least.

 

Now I am friends with many guys, I get along well with them, and am used to the occasional stupid comments related to what you said above, but most of them are fooling around. Me and my partner can even rib each other about some things like this, and no it's in good fun.

 

However, some of them believe it and are determined to "educate" the rest of the world too! There are many guys whom will indeed be like this, and seem bitter and resigned that love is false, all people cheat, and in the end they die..so what can you do. But it is the case that NOT all love is false, not all people cheat, and death is part of the journey and if you lived your life fully, it is only the next step.

 

The fact is, however, there is a line between good natured ribbing, and cruelty. And definitely some of those comments were getting out of hand and being quite sexist. And yes, your boyfriend definitely should of stepped in when he saw you were getting hurt, and being slighted, and told them that was NOT appropriate. I know my boyfriend would, as I would for him. Now, I think your boyfriend was probably going along with it as he did not see it from your view, however it sounds like you talked things out and now he has an idea, so I would hope in the future such a repeat episode does not happen.

 

I don't think you overreacted for the record. Leaving was one of the best things you could do, and you DID tell your boyfriend why, so it was not like you called a cab and took off. And then you talked about it together. Good - that's communication and it sounds like things were sorted out and resolved.

 

Honestly, this uncle just sounds like one of those bitter people, that no one really pays attention to anyway and just goes along with (like your boyfriend) without really thinking about what he is saying as being truthful.

 

In the future, you can stand up for yourself...don't storm off, but just speak up and tell them it is not appropriate, or if you are comfortable enough, rib back at them (some people do this easily, others not). Don't take it as personally direct to you, however if it is your boyfriend doing it, again that is another matter altogether....but it also depends on your relationship and how much ribbing goes on naturally. For some people it's acceptable as long as it is reciprocal and in good natured fun and each understands that..for others it is too much.

[Goodfun88]

Thanks for responding RayKay! Oh and my boyfriend knows how to act but sometimes forgets that he has someone elses feelings to consider, he is getting much better at that though. Also I have no problem hanging with the guys and joking around and I can tell when its all in fun. I get a kick out of it then and of course have come backs for them, but this was just so negative and mean spirited and so untrue, I couldn't help but become offended. And I doubt my boyfriend would ever have the nerve to let a situation get out of hand like that with me around ever again, which is why I'm glad to be with him.

[RayKay]

Thanks for responding RayKay! Oh and my boyfriend knows how to act but sometimes forgets that he has someone elses feelings to consider, he is getting much better at that though. Also I have no problem hanging with the guys and joking around and I can tell when its all in fun. I get a kick out of it then and of course have come backs for them, but this was just so negative and mean spirited and so untrue, I couldn't help but become offended. And I doubt my boyfriend would ever have the nerve to let a situation get out of hand like that with me around ever again, which is why I'm glad to be with him.

 

Then that is what matters, yup, I did not think you overreacted given the mean spirit behind it (especially REPEATED times). It's very different then good natured fun between friends.