Is this cheating?

[charmzyd]

My boyfriend moved to denver like 5 months ago and I still live in PA. We have been sort of fighitng off and on about stuff such as where our relationship is going. Well I Know he looks on the website craig's list which is like a classified ads area. There is a section of personal ads, and I was just curious about whether he looks at them and what not. In the past, he has been known to lie. So I posted on there and guess what he replied to my post in like minutes. My email address or name was not on the post so he didn't know who he was mailing. And what's worse is that I posted under "Women looking for men".

The email he sent said he was 25 and had pictures of him in it. One of the pictures was one of me and him but with me cropped off!!! So I mailed back "I caught ya".

At first he laughed and said it was embarrassing and I said why is it embarrassing, I know you look on craigs list to meet friends, just never thought you were specifically looking for girls...he claims he thought it was a guy. I am wonderng though why a guy would need pics of another guy in order to hang out or whatever. And he said he never replies to the posts actually, he just looks at them to laugh...but he answered mine lol!!

I pointed out that it wouldn't be so embarrassing if you weren't hiding something from me. He finally after two days broke down and said ok I didn't care if it was a male or a female, I just want to meet people.

What he forgets is that my whole life was him, then when he left...I am lonely too. I dont' go out and try to meet guys!!! That would be cheating right? Please help...he told me a while back that I am too paranoid, but does anyone else think that now I know I have a reason to be paranoid?

[venus777]

totally can't trust him. that sucks. he not only replied to your ad but then he lied about it, a stupid lie at that.

[Day_Walker]

I believe that his actions have undermined the relationship and now you dont know if you can trust him or not. I dont think its important whether or not its cheating, the point is that you know that you cant trust him.

[charmzyd]

Do you really think it was a stupid lie too? I do. But for him to think that I would fall for something like that, is like treating me like i'm an idiot. I cannot get accross to him how bad what he did really was. And he can't understand why I don't believe him. He always just blames me and says that I never believe him!

 

And you guys are right...it's more about I can't trust him. My mom just said this morning, I would never want to marry a man like that.

[Iceman26]

The fact that he even tried to play that off is a joke. He must not think much of you if he is saying he was sending pictures of himself to another dude. Hes either gay or hes lying. Dump him and find someone who respects you. Good luck!

[kellbell]

He was trying to play it off as a joke because he was caught and making you feel silly for getting upset. Don't fall for that trick. He broke your trust, time to give him the ole heave ho...you deserve better than that. Take care and good luck with everything.

[charmzyd]

The fact that he even tried to play that off is a joke. He must not think much of you if he is saying he was sending pictures of himself to another dude. Hes either gay or hes lying. Dump him and find someone who respects you. Good luck!

 

 

Ok yeah. Any guys here? Do you think that you would send your pics to a guy? And say you wanted to meet just anyone for a friend because you were desperate...even a girl....why would you have to cut off your girlfriend in the picture? Is it because you don't want that other girl to know? It's like he was planning on not acting like he had a girlfriend...he couldn't just meet a chick and be honest with her and be friends...it's like I was sort of something he wants to hide right?

 

Thanks for all your posts!!

[RayKay]

Hmmm, whether he intended to cheat or not, the fact is he definitely showed he is not trustworthy (plus, if he wanted to meet people as friends, why would he cut you out of the photo?????) and the fact he blatantly lied indicates even more so that he probably had further intentions then he "confessed" to.

 

I would say he undermined the relationship, and shows his lack of respect for you. Even more so as he thought you would believe his lies and his "joking" about it. He only did that as he was caught and was trying to weasel his way out of it. Don't fall for it.

 

He always just blames me and says that I never believe him!

 

Red flag. That's what liars, cheaters, and emotional abusers do. Turn the blame around on the "accuser" to get them second guessing themselves and getting mad at themselves for being so "untrusting". He broke your trust, and has no right to it now "just because" he says he does.

 

And you guys are right...it's more about I can't trust him. My mom just said this morning, I would never want to marry a man like that.

 

Your mom is a smart lady, you wouldn't. Because then you would end up with an untrustworthy husband, or father of your kids, and so forth. Bleh.

 

Kick him to the curb, now. If you need, post it in craigslist...because I am sure he will see it there

[charmzyd]

Thank you soooo much for making me know I am not crazy...he is the weirdo

[RayKay]

Ok yeah. Any guys here? Do you think that you would send your pics to a guy? And say you wanted to meet just anyone for a friend because you were desperate...even a girl....why would you have to cut off your girlfriend in the picture? Is it because you don't want that other girl to know? It's like he was planning on not acting like he had a girlfriend...he couldn't just meet a chick and be honest with her and be friends...it's like I was sort of something he wants to hide right?

 

Thanks for all your posts!!

 

Posted before I read this but yes....as said, cutting your gf out of picture is NOT cool and shows he wants more.

 

You already know the answers, don't deny yourself from seeing the truth.

[charmzyd]

Sometimes he makes me feel like I am going insane lol

[kellbell]

You are NOT crazy.

 

Besides it does not matter whether he sent pictures to girls or guys, he still lied. Not cool. If you can't trust, you have nothing to work with. I am so sorry things happened this way. (((hugs)))

[charmzyd]

Thank you for being so supportive...everyone probably thinks that I am naive and kind of stupid for putting up with it, but we have been in a relationship for 4 years so it's hard. And it is so hard to see things objectively.

Thank you so much for your help and letting me see it for what it is.

[charmzyd]

I keep fighting in my mind about the idea that I shouldn't have posted on that website you know...like it was sneaky...but honestly I never thought I would get a reply.

I sort of felt like I would never get a reply and feel better about it and not be so paranoid...and I told him that. Maybe I should stay out of his business?

But then how can I trust anything he says? I mean he gave me reasons in the past not to trust him anyway...so I am not in the wrong am I?

[kellbell]

Nope, you are neither niave or stupid. Believe me, 90% of here have been to these boards with the same issues and feelings although sometimes we like to think our situations are unique and no one understands. Believe we do and we are here to help.

 

I think to use this analogy...sometimes when you are standing in the middle of the forest, it's hard to see all the trees, but others on the outside can, we have a bird's eye view, we see the whole picture. Take care and hang in there.

[charmzyd]

Thanks a bunch!!

[annie24]

I keep fighting in my mind about the idea that I shouldn't have posted on that website you know...like it was sneaky...but honestly I never thought I would get a reply.

I sort of felt like I would never get a reply and feel better about it and not be so paranoid...and I told him that. Maybe I should stay out of his business?

But then how can I trust anything he says? I mean he gave me reasons in the past not to trust him anyway...so I am not in the wrong am I?

 

You are so not in the wrong. Yes, posting a profile was a bit sneaky, but you got the answer to your question. Like the others said, if he was just looking for "friends", he wouldn't have cut you out of the photo. Clearly, he's looking for a woman/date. If he responded to your post in a few minutes, imagine how many other women he responded to in minutes also!

 

I know it's hard, it's been 4 years. He's turning the situation around on you. I've had guys do this to me also. They are abusive guys. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally.

 

Dump him and find someone better.

[charmzyd]

I know i try to keep thinking it's not me, it's him. But he keeps flipping it around on me and making me feel bad for him because he is lonely...he keeps saying he just wanted conversation with someone that he has things in common with.

I have things in common with him...we have been dating for 4 years, yet he doesn't send me emails or pics.

He also said because my post said PA he wanted to see what they had to say...and I said well i'm from PA, why don't you want to talk to me. It sounds like i'm not offering him enough.

He said that he cut me off the pic because it was aobut him, not us...well that's selfish.

He keeps saying he didn't expect a response and he doesn't know why he replied...sounds like bull * * * *...like how can you not have replied with some intention.

He keeps guilt tripping me saying well i guess i can't have friends here...but if you just want conversation with someone or friendship why do you need to send pics with me cut off..he should be proud of me. And if he's sending to a guy then it will show he's straight..probably an advantage. Wouldn't he want to let a girl know that too? Most people posting are looking for dating...it's called women looking for men lol.

Thanks so much for your posts!! It seems pointless to reason with him. He's lucky i'm even giving him a chance i guess.

[annie24]

Yeah, he didn't post in the "friends" forum - he posted in "women looking for men." That's quite telling.

[Bethany]

As for feeling bad about posting in the first place, what do you think would have happened, honestly, if it wasn't you but some other girl? I think you know and that's why you did it.

 

Trust you and your intuition, you have no reason to lie to yourself. And he has every reason.

[Hope75]

Yeah, he didn't post in the "friends" forum - he posted in "women looking for men." That's quite telling.

Exactly. He's pulling a line of bull on you to turn it around and make you feel bad because he got caught red handed and he knows it. The only way he can think not to look like the guilty fool he is is to turn it around and make you doubt yourself and your judgement.

 

He knows full well that he posted on the women seeking men forum, and they are not seeking friendship-- they are seeking relationships or a good time.

 

Don't second guess yourself. accross the country he was looking to cheat on you and you caught him red handed. He is the fool. If you believe his lies and stay.... you are playing the fool.

 

He not too bright and he's a bad liar too.....

[Relationship Coach]

Dump him, his intension's were to find your replacement. He lied and cannot be trusted again. He thought he was going to be able to shop and play around while keeping you on a string. It's amazing what you can learn in four years about a person, isn't it? Next he will blame it on a lapse in judgement because of altitude sickness!

 

RC

[charmzyd]

ok now he is sending me flowers and stuff, but still really hasn't admitted that he did anything wrong. It seems like he feels guilty about something. But honestly, why does this have to be a reason for flowers. We went 4 years and i got a single flower on my birthday once. Why can't loving me be reason enough to send flowers...why does it have to be to butter me up.

It's like he knows I will feel bad and give in. He makes it so hard. He plays the I am lonely card...he's in a new city and has no friends. But I feel lonely too. I don't see any of my friends from college now that I graduated. It's all about him right?

I tried to tell him that I can't just imagine he changed over night. Flowers are a quick and easy band aid basically. His actions are only temporary right?

[kellbell]

"It's like he knows I will feel bad and give in."

 

That is why he sending flowers. It's prurely manipultive and to make you feel bad and make you second guess your decision. Don't fall for it. A real man will fess up to his mistakes and not expect anything in return. But nope, he keeps turning this on you and making you feel guilty and went as far as to send you flowers to make you feel guilty. Man, the more I read about this guy, the less I like him.

 

Don't give in girl, you are doing the right thing. You deserve to be with a man whom will send you flowers just because and not as a manipulative gesture in order for you to cave in. Stay strong girl.

[charmzyd]

Yeah I agree that I do want something more than this. I just wonder if there are guys out there that actually do care and do nice things for their girlfriends. I have been in this relationship so long that I don't know any different. I guess I don't really know if love exists or I just idealize it too much.

His mother mentally abused him, and I feel sorry for him. But I feel like he is abusing me. I don't know. I wish I could help him