What do I do?

[missintellectual84]

I went out with a guy for about 8 months. I haven't had many boyfriends before. We met and I was completely swept off my feet. We began having sex after a couple of months. This was my first time - so it was a pretty big deal. I am not the type of girl who just sleeps with anyone and I wanted to wait till I met someone really special. I thought he was that special person.

 

Not so long after we started having sex, one of my friends found a picture of him on an online dating website. She showed me the site and it showed that he had been active on the website recently. She even created a fake account and contacted him to see what sort of response she would get. He answered in the affirmative and sent the type of message that indicated he was interested in meeting her. My friend told me about this. I was understandably pretty upset - given this was the type of guy I really thought cared about me. I thought he cared about me and I trusted him. That is why I wanted to sleep with him. I confronted him. He became extremely defensive and upset. He told me that he received the message and didn't think a lot about it. He said he was sorry and couldn't understand why it was such a big deal for me. I told him it was over. He was pretty distraught. Either he was genuinely upset or he is a pretty good actor, because he cried and cried. He made me a special dinner to make up for things. When I left his house that night after I said it was over, he wouldn't let me go. He just wanted to hold me and not let me leave.

 

After that - I became really paranoid. It was like I started questioning everything he said and did. He sensed this and became really defensive. He was upset that I couldn't trust him. Moreover, he couldn't understand why I didn't trust him and he thought I was being irrational and unreasonable. I tried to explain why I was feeling this way, but he saw it as an attack on his own character and became quite upset. He is not the type of person who shares too much about what he is feeling and I suppose that is partially to do with why I couldn't trust him that much. It was like he is an emotional island and doesn't want to share much. It became really difficult - because even though he had hurt me and made me question his trust, I really deeply did love him. I wanted to believe everything he said - but he just couldn't share things. I felt really isolated in the relationship.

 

A couple of things happened. We had a few fights. I started to become really tense about things - because I just felt that there were things going on that he wasn't sharing with me. It became too much for him and we broke up a couple of times and then got back together.

 

The final time we broke up - I was really upset. I loved him so much - I had slept with him. I wanted to trust him. I felt I had given so much to the relationship and I really wanted it to work. But it was just too much for him. I was pretty shaken for a long time. I kept thinking about him and wanting him back. But he seemed so strong in his resolve that this wasn't a good thing.

 

I know that when we broke up he started dating other girls. He would have dated the first girl around 2 or 3 weeks after we broke up. He had never mentioned this girl, until one night he went out with some mates and this particular girl stayed over where he stayed after they had been drinking. I was really upset when I found out it was the same girl and wondered if he had cheated on me just before we broke up or was planning to sometime pretty soon. Apparently he told her that he was lonely and stressed and that it wasn't a good time to start a relationship. He maintained that he never slept with her and only kissed her once on the only date they went on. After her, he apparently dated another girl. He maintained once again that it was only kissing - he never slept with her and he indicated the same thing to her - that he was stressed and lonely and it wasn't a good time to start a relationship.

 

The thing is we had remained in contact after we broke up. I was pretty upset and we talked on the phone. We ended up getting back together after 6 weeks of being apart. I told him that I wouldn't hold the girls he had dated against him. I told him I was going to do my best to trust him and communicate what I was feeling constructively, without being too emotional. I told him I really deeply loved him and wanted this to work. He said he was prepared to work with me on this.

 

We got back together for about 6 weeks. We had a good time together. I loved him some more. We had sex again. I told him that I loved him and how I cared for him. But there were still some trust issues. When we got back together I found out the girls he had dated. One of the girls actually came to his birthday. He had never told me who the girls he had dated ever were. But i just sensed something from her body language. She was strange with me - She would have known that I was the girl he had dated for about 5 months before we broke up. She was the girl that he dated immediately after our breakup. And now I was back with him. I sense that she really does like him and was a bit awkward around me because of it. I approached him calmly and asked why this girl was strange. He denied that she was strange. I told him that I sensed something and then he admitted that she was the girl he had dated when we broke up. He couldn't understand why I was upset about her being there. I knew she was entitled to be there and that they are friends. But what hurt me is that he kept it from me, then I worked it out and I was being 'unreasonable' and 'irrational' to be hurt by the fact. We had a fight over this one and he indicated that it was getting too much for him to be having fights like this. We had a big chat about things. We cleared the air and things were fine.

 

He went away on holidays and we were apart for only 4 days. But we both missed each other a lot over that time. He came back from holidays and we spent a lot of time together and things were great. Then just before New Years, he told me that a friend was having a birthday and he wanted me to come. I felt uncomfortable because the girl he had dated before was going to be there. I told him I didn't think I should come and he became really upset. I then said that I would be there because he wanted me to come. Something else happened - can't remember what and we had a fight. He was crazy to see me and we had sex. Then after we had sex he told me something about a former girlfriend or a girl I always thought was a girlfriend. He told me that she really wasn't a girlfriend, because he had only had sex with her for a few weeks with no intention of it being anymore. I became upset when I heard this. Sure I knew he was pretty immature still and perhaps had been pretty immature when he had been with her, but I was still bothered by it a little. If that was how he saw relationships - how did he see me? Was I more than just sex to him? I certainly hoped that I was. But at this point I just wasn't so sure anymore. I love him so much and maybe I fantasised that we would be together for a long time. To hear him speak in such terms made me really wonder about the person I was sleeping with and his character. Again he became really defensive when I asked him about this. He thought it was a joke initially but then became upset.

 

The next morning I was still upset about hearing about this. I didn't want to talk to him and I told him to leave me alone. He asked what was wrong - I told him nothing and it would be better for us to discuss it later. THen i decided that I wanted to talk about it and he replied in a pretty cold way. He didn't take any of my calls for the rest of the day. He sent me an email later that night saying that it was over and that the relationship was too much for him. He was pretty cold in the email - he said to not contact me. I was pretty devastated at this point. I had never felt so much pain. Here was a person I cared for so much and loved so much and had given so much to - and all he could do was send me an email? I felt it had been such a waste of my energy.

 

I went and saw him and he was quite taken aback by how upset I was. He said he would stay with me but didn't want a relationship. This was pretty devastating too. I know it had gotten to a point where it was becoming too much for him and he couldn't appreciate the level of emotion I was expending. But still. It hurt so bad. I thought we got back together - but then it became apparent that he didn't want a relationship. I was really upset. I was a bit crazy that night. He didn't take my call the next day. He turned off his phone and just didn't want to talk at all. We didn't talk for a few weeks. I was surrounded by some of my closest friends and they supported me and I felt a lot stronger.

 

I was starting to get over things and then he sent me a message. He apologised for not taking my calls and said that he was prepared to talk, but to tread lightly. When I read that message I laughed - because I felt so much stronger. It highlighted to me that he was missing me and it made me feel better. But I thought it revealed he had a giant ego and it was like talking to him was a privilege. I was strong enough to not respond, until one night I felt really vulnerable again. I was stressed and I called him. he comforted me with what I was stessed about. I felt much better. I thought that contacting him that night would bring up all sorts of really old feelings and bring back all the pain again. But it didn't. I suppose I was more curious about what he was thinking and what his motives were.

 

He then messaged me at the end of the week to see how things were going. It was funny because it was a Friday evening when we would ordinarily see one another. He then called me and left a random message about returning his call when I got a chance. Again, when I saw that message and the missed call, I felt stronger. It said to me that he was missing me. The sad thing though is that I think now in hindsight that perhaps the main reason he called me is because he wanted sex and that was what he was missing. I didn't reply until eventually I asked him what was up. He took ages to respond and indicated he had only messaged me to see how I was and if I was over my stress. I didn't buy it. I happened to go past his work later that day and I didn't stop. He messaged me to tell me that he had seen me go by and couldn't understand why I didn't stop and say hi. I responded with a pretty cold message - saying that I was gone now. I also indicated that perhaps the main reasoning he was calling was that he was missing sex.

 

He then sent me an email to apologise. He reiterated that he was concerned about my stress and wanted to see how I was going. He said he couldn't understand why I didn't stop and that obviously we weren't on good terms. He suggested that we not talk. I called him after that and we arranged to meet. It was the first time we had actually talked about what happened. I started to become upset. I suppose I wanted to make him understand how I was feeling and how crushed I was about the fact that someone I really deeply cared for and loved didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. I tried to explain to him. He hugged me and kissed me on the forehead. He told me that he did love me and that he had loved me with all he had. He told me that he still cared for me and that he missed me. He told me that he was concerned for me.

 

I am finding this still really tough. I feel stronger, then I feel weak again. I tried hating him and believing that he is a terrible person. But there are certain things that make it difficult for me to hate him. I wonder if he does genuinely care or he just has ulterior motives and wants sex and just wants to make sure that we are on good terms so he can get this if he needs it in the future. He says he is over the relationship and doesn't want to be with me. Yet, he is the one that contacted me the other day saying he was ready to talk. He was the one that contacted me that night to see how I was. I wasn't the one initiating contact.

 

I think I have resolved that we are two different people. I know he isn't right for me. But I have felt really sad leaving the relationship thinking that he didn't really love me and didnt care for me on the level I hoped. I felt it was such a waste of my time and energy. The worst thing is that I still have deep feelings for him and love him very much. To add to all of this, I know that now he is probably intending to date other girls. He did 2 or 3 weeks after we broke up last time - so he is probably ready to do the same again. It has only been about 2 weeks since we broke up. I find it really offensive that he would even contemplate this at an early stage. It makes me upset to think that he will be sleeping with other girls. I know that people move through things faster than others and he is ready to move on with his life, but I see it was a lack of respect for the time that we were together and a lack of respect for me. It seems to be about sex for him. This really hurts.

 

I miss him and still want him in my life in someway. I believe that there are some really bad things about him and I have tried focusing on those to get over it. But then the good memories flood back, as do the good things about him as a person. I wonder if I was too hard on him. I wonder if it was all my fault and that there is something really wrong with me - because I am the one who is really upset and he is the one who seems to be ok.

 

What do you think about this person? Did he care for me? Does he care for me? Did he love me? Does he love me now? Is he really missing me? Is it all about sex for him? I can't quite work him out in terms of his behaviour. More importantly - where to from here? It is so exhausting writing all of this!

[venus777]

your posting was very long, honestly maybe a deterrant for people to respond, but i read all of it because your posting resonated with me.

 

there are a few things i see here.

 

1) your bf's actions made it difficult to trust him. he betrayed your trust once and it was going to be difficult, probably impossible, to establish the same level of trust once you discovered that he wasn't being honest with you about his online actions.

 

2) you both participated in a tumultous relationship of breaking up and getting back together; a once enjoyable relationship became constant pain and confusion and worries. it wasn't happy, but for some reason you felt like you needed him, you needed to fix it. you invested an incredible amount of energy into something that just wasn't making you happy.

 

3) there was no love. love is a combination of care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment and trust as well as honest and open communication (as bell hooks describe it and as i steadfastly agree with). there were some amounts of care and affection but it seems the relationship lacked in all other aspects of love, yet you call it love. you were holding onto love and in the process your self esteem was being broken down. you broke your own self esteem down. it's amazing how we, as human beings, can do that to ourselves. then we are left looking down at our empty hands and asking ourselves what happened, but in reality it's all our own doing.

 

the questions you are asking, in a sense they are all not worth asking. what is worth asking is why you tried so hard for someone that wasn't giving you anything in return. why did you give up so much of yourself so that you feel this way? how is it that you can prevent that in the future?

 

we all desperately want love, but we have to think about what is love and if there is love in our relationships, if the relationships we forge are building love or not, if the person we are with is capable of loving us right now. it sounds like he wasn't and it sounds like your love became primary to just keeping him, but not necessarily because you enjoyed him....

 

just something to think about...

[RayKay]

First off, there is NOTHING "wrong" with you. Every person is different, unique. What is wrong was that you two were incompatible, and that you lost a lot of self esteem I think.

 

I find it interesting, though not uncommon at all, that throughout your thread, whenever you described what he was doing, or the problems in your relationship it always came down to "your trust issues" or "it was too much for him". He seemed to take NO responsibility for breaking that trust in the first place, instead he turned the blame on you for not trusring him, or finding something wrong with him meeting others online, and so forth.

 

Honey, in a committed relationship, people don't look for others online, they don't blame their partners for their indiscretions, don't lie about it, and so forth. Now what he did when you were broken up I won't comment on as you were broken up and it was his business, but the way he treated you when you were together, and when you got back together and so forth, shows me that he is in many ways using you. And you are, sorry to say, playing right into being the doormat. He is telling you he does not want a relationship, and as soon as he feels you are getting your power back, he uses words to lull you back. Then of course, when he regains the power, he throws those words back at you again.

 

This relationship was not a healthy one, the cycles are not what a healthy, loving, respectful relationship are about. They do not rob you of your self esteem, your inner strength, your independence. They do not take more then they give. Sweetie, this is not what true love is about.

 

I know how much it hurts, but you deserve better then this, and you need to walk away from this. Many of us have gone through similar, and I assure you there are so much better relationships and men out there for you, but first you have to build that relationship with yourself. Love yourself first. Walk away from this guy. No matter what he says - you know from past experience his words are meaningless as there is nothing to back them up. You know that nothing changes.

 

You come accross as a very well spoken & intelligent woman, don't let any man take that for granted, or take away your own sense of value.