Going back to my wife. Harder than I thought

[onmyownagain]

Some of you may have followed my posts and know that I have gone back to my wife about 3 weeks ago.

 

All I can say is that is bloody hard work. She is being great but I am having all kinds of problems I didn't think I would have.

 

I feel bored after the freedom I had after splitting up. Back to watching East Enders and the other rubbish soaps women like to watch every night!

 

The house doesn't feel like it is mine any more so don't really want to live there any more.

 

I look at her sexy clothes and lingerie and think did she buy these after our split? Did she get them for someone else?

 

We are talking about these issues and she tries to assure me that everything is fine but I am struggling to let myself go and come back fully. I still have my flat and have hardly moved anything back to our house yet.

 

Just something for you to think about.

[jo.mcqueen]

Things like that are never easy but you wouldn't have gone back if you didn't still have feelings for her! Why not suggest moving house and making a freash start..... also arrange to go out and do stuff together have a laugh, have fun together!!!! As for the underware and sexy clothes.... wee all get the green eye'd monster sometimes and if she was interested in someone else she wouldn't have got back with you!

[calgaryguy]

How long have u 2 been split up for ? how long were u together? Kids? Im sorry im new to the forum I didnt get your whole story.

[onmyownagain]

Hi,

 

Married for 9 years, split for 3 months. We have the one child. Really not sure it is worth the hassle of going back, I was actually becoming okay being on my own

[curlygirl47]

Oh, to have the option of going back. Maybe just try looking at her and thinking about the old wonderful times? Can you have more of those? How do you feel about her now? How does she feel about you?

[onmyownagain]

I do love her, not sure if that is enough after going through the breakup. She is really keen for us to work now and is doing all the right things, hoping she wont put a foot wrong is what she told me. She realised quite quickly after the split that she had made a mistake but took a couple of months to get the courage to ask me to have the talk.

[curlygirl47]

Ah ha. The desperate lover in me is so happy to hear that and hoping that my ex quickly realized his mistake, too, and is just too proud or afraid to say so. Did you try to see her during the time you were split? I am wanting to see my ex badly right now, and particularly wanting him in a sexual way (I don't want to be with anyone else).

[onmyownagain]

I didn't try to see her. In fact I didn't see her for over two months before we got back. She texted and called me a lot but I never initiated any of these conversations. She did all the chasing because she did the dumping!

 

At the end of the day, if someone dumps you then why would they expect you to chase then? Doesn't work, so they have no choice but to chase you.

[curlygirl47]

Today makes 9 days NC. Maybe I don't feel as bad as I did yesterday, but it's still hard. I just try to keep moving and doing something to keep my mind off of it, other than coming to the forum for support.

[onmyownagain]

Just to say things are getting better every day. I look forward to going home in the evening and I am starting to feel like she is my best friend. Something I hadn't felt for a long time.

 

Ordered her roses to be delivered on Valentines day and looking forward to a great day with her because we wont be working!

[onmyownagain]

We split again on the earlier this month, wish I had never gone back. Don't think it is ever worth it.

[onmyownagain]

Thanks John,

 

As far as I am concerned it is over for good. I am not using the rose tinted glasses this time, looking at how it really was. Okay, we did have nice times over the years but really think I could be happier with someone else.

 

I had to compromise myself so much over the years and will never do that again.

[earlylifecrisis]

I had to compromise myself so much over the years and will never do that again.

 

Hi onmyownagain,

 

Can you please tell me more about the above quote? I actually had the same response from my ex. I'd like to know how it feels when compromising yourself in a relationship with someone you truly care for.

[Addicus]

Onmyownagain...I am sorry that you have split. I read all your posts and in it you said you loved. Without love you have nothing, with love you have the ability to try and work things through. It also sounded like you feel suppocated and being on your own made you see all the freedom you have. It's all a trade off, if done in a healthy way you can get most of your needs met.

 

A realtionship is about to whole people coming together. You bring your life and interests and they bring theirs. Including baggage from your past. Baggage is OK as long as you know what it is an are working on it and the person you are with accepts you for who you are, hard to do but very necessary. You communicate your needs and wants. Sometimes we are able to give more, sometimes we need more and sometimes we are both unable to meet the needs of the other person, that is just how people cycle through life. Relationships are not perfect, they do need work. If people tried to focus on all the good things, instead of looking at their parters negative things then the divorce rate would decrease. Also, if you expect you partner, or they expect you to know exactly what they want then it will never work. I cannot read anyones mind and tryng to do so would drive me crazy! So, if my partner needs something, it is healthy for them to ask.

 

If you want to work this out then couples counseling or counseling for yourself is a very safe way to work through things.

 

Otherwise the cycle of the relationship, leve, come back, leave come back, will continue until so much damage has been done that nothing can be fixed! (I do believe that anything can be fixed but there needs to be willing people involved)

[onmyownagain]

Hi Addicus,

 

It think it is too late to try now, we aren't even talking now and really do think this is for the best. Not prepared to put my daughter through it all again.

[onmyownagain]

Hi onmyownagain,

 

Can you please tell me more about the above quote? I actually had the same response from my ex. I'd like to know how it feels when compromising yourself in a relationship with someone you truly care for.

 

When I say compromise, I mean doing things she wanted rather than what I wanted.

 

Sharing some of her friends even when I didn't like them.

 

Putting up with the rubbish soaps every night because that is what she liked.

 

Even had the chance to move to the US twice over the years but she wouldn't move away from her family, even for a year.

 

Excusing little white lies even though I can't stand lies.

 

 

Loads of other things like that, all adds up over the years.

[Addicus]

There has to be two willing partners that can look at their own shortcomings and try to change them....relationships are no about taking away from the other person. Right now it sounds as though she is not capable of letting you be who you need to be. She needs to make changes, which she may or maynot want to to and that is her choice.