Question about fighting

[leelee123]

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years, live together, and talk marriage/family all of the time. We have a good relationship with each other, communicate, have fun , etc etc.

 

Well we have our share of fights, and I know thats normal. I guess im wondering how bad fights are "supposed" to be. I mean, I guess know one can really answer that fully w/o knowing the situation or the people involved.

 

Last Friday night we were out drinking and got home and ended up in a HUGE fight. Our worst by far. There was yelling screaming and talk of breaking up, initiated by him. He said some pretty mean things and I did to in response to him.

 

Saturday we talked it all over, and he apologized over and over, kind of blamed the booze, and said that he didn't mean what he said, he just wanted me to stop fighting ( I tend to push and push and push, especially when drinking).

 

We decided to look ahead and not focus on the past and to let what happened make us stronger. We had a great rest of the weekend.

 

I guess im wondering if this is something that happens to people in relationships or is it a sign that he really does mean the things that he said. Do men say things to us just to get a reaction? I dont get it.

 

I feel okay now, and am willing to look past and focus on the future, b/c we really are great together and I want nothing more than to be with him.

 

Just curious on other's thoughts...

[buffalosoldier]

Hey!

 

I would forget all about it, its over and done with now, it may have been scary if you dont normally have fights but believe me, this sort of thing and worse goes on in a lot of relationships. In my opinion you dont need to worry, i think its healthy for couples to air their differences once in a while. - But maybe you and your bf need to discuss things earlier on so that they dont come to such a head like it did this time? We all say things in the heat of the moment, but as long as you talked it through i dont think this should cause any real concern. We're only human and sometimes we say things with the direct intention of hurting the other, only to regret it later. Also maybe try not to drink if it makes you more argumentative perhaps? Thats my thoughts.

 

Buffalosoldier

[leelee123]

thats kind of my thoughts..i am willing to let it go, i guess it was just scary. We've definitely had our fair share of arguments and fighting, which I know is healthy.

 

I think things might even be better now honestly.

 

Just scary at the time

[RayKay]

I think it would be in both of your best interests to learn some better conflict resolution skills.

 

It is not how often you fight...but HOW you fight...that is the best indicator of relationship healty and longevity.

 

Disagreements in themselves are healthy. You can learn a lot from someone about their views, beliefs, feelings, wants, needs, by seeing the differences. But how you resolve issues is integral to creating better communication, and a better bond between you. Without proper conflict skills, fighting erodes the relationship bit by bit. With them, you can build and strengthen it.

 

When disagreeing, you should NEVER be calling one another names, saying hurtful things, threatening to break up, bringing up other arguments, resentements from the past. These will only fuel the fire, and cause long term resentments and eat at the security in the commitment you should have.

 

You should discuss the problem at hand, the REAL issues. If you are both drunk, or hot and bothered, make an agreement to wait and talk about it later when sober and have cooled down. Learn to talk things out, use "I" statements, don't attack the person's character, learn to listen.

 

There are tons of great resources out there on conflict resolution in romantic relationships, as well as familial ones - both through counselling, or in the bookstore, that may also help.

[buffalosoldier]

Things probably will be better now, your right about that. Sometimes it takes something like that for us to start appreciating each other again, and the scare of it all makes us work harder to avoid the situation occurring again. I go through the same thing with my bf at least once a month so do not fear! Try to forget it and learn from it. Glad i could reassure you

[buffalosoldier]

I also wanted to say that i think its all a lot more simple than people make out. Fact is, we need to argue and WILL argue with people that we love. And in the heat of the moment you are not likely to think about what you are saying and how you are saying it, especially if you are angry. But as i said, dont worry honestly.

[leelee123]

I agree with finding and discovering better conflict resolution styles. We have gotten better but sometimes when alcohol is fueling the fight, along with emotion, it gets out of hand.

 

it just scared me that he brought up breaking up, made me wonder if he had been thinking about it, but I feel better now.

 

Plus, only I know how "we" are together. And day to day its great. We dont fight too often, maybe once every 2-3 months and usually its minor.

 

Thanks for your imput everyone