And so it goes on

[crossflow]

ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

[Darketernal]

Hello Crossflow, sorry to jump in as i haven't followed the whole court case/custody.

 

Seeing your whole family being ripped open by this affair, and despite your disliking of the ex-wife. There is a point, as the kids are most likely far more suffering from this whole odeal then you can possibly imagine, you have to realise that your hatred against your ex-wife is also emitted on to the children, taking in aspect however that for them 'you' always will remain to be 'daddy' and your ex , as 'mommy' they have not the luxery to be separated from her flesh and blood as you have. Taking 'care' of the children, and not (in least not in front of them) displaying anger towards their mother will be for the better, which i will explain. You see you might win the whole court case/custody and what not, but your unforgiveness towards your wife is a state of constant hell for you, for the children. How can i say it 'a child needs both a mommy and a daddy to look up to. Now mommy's 'example' might have been far from what is correct which i uptake from your angry reaction. But you have to see it as a ship, that you try to steer into the right direction.

 

This whole affair that has been going on, will continue to go on after the court case if you don't find 'closure', what you have to be carefull for is that you find 'closure' not only for yourself, but for your children as well, who tried but where unable to 'love' their mother. Whatever love there was has been 'smashed' to bits. thereforeeee its important that (and maby the court case is the 'closure' for you) you try to pick up the pieces of your life and that of your children and glueing them back together and moving on with your life. Its hard to find peace, but in time i hope you are able to forgive her unconsious behaviour and let go of your anger. Forgiveness is mankinds greatest treats, to forgive others but mainly to forgive ourselves, so that anger and tears hopefully and finally will get replaced by joy and rejoice.

[crossflow]

Yes you should proberbly have read the previous threads then.

[Darketernal]

404 Helpful Post not found.

 

If its not too much effort Can you throw me a link?

[crossflow]

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[Darketernal]

Ok , my whole take on this is as following.

 

Your wife has led a 'unnatural' life, in other words she was in a place where she was not happy, this ate her alive and has led to the depressive state where she is still currently in. So your wife had a nervous break-down because of all the pressure that was put on her on a daily basis.

 

this was also the moment that she should have had a job change

 

Of course, the depression pills would not have worked if the 'underlying' cause , namely her oppressive job would not have send her over her limit. I guess that's a valid reason for her to resent the medical treatment that you wanted to give her, the moment she made that phonecall she couldn't handle it anymore was the moment she should have changed her job. I feel that you should have sticked up for your wife 'for better and thru worse' once you are married, i think your wife needed your emotional support , and she only became vengefull and was emotional fragile when she found a message (that obviously meant nothing) that could be used as an exuse to physically attack you.

 

I also don't think you two should be apart from eachother, i think that if your wife has a job change and becomes a helper in a daycare center, she would have a lot more time to come to herself and get a grip on her world. I feel strongly that you should be (despite that i know you already given up on her) supporting eachother as when you gave your oath of marriage to one another. To support eachother thru better and thru worse.

 

If my wife would have tried to commit suicide in front of the kids i would have forced her to get psychiatric help, but i would not leave her. But i have to admit there's a factor of 'that's easy for you to say' in that. I just can't imagine leaving the wife,when she has personal troubles. I mean these are the kind of times that you should stick with your woman and support her with her problems, not run away from her. You should come back to her and give her the support she needs, you have no idea how much she needs you. If your wife fell of a cliff , would you not go down to save her? If your wife falls down a mental cliff, would you not go down also and save her? I know i would, and the kids need a mom to look after them and up to. Everyone can get a depression, and i feel that you really loved your wife, but turned your back and left when you should have supported her while she was going thru this hell. If you love your wife stick up for her, even when she is irrational, you have to guide her back into sanity,while trying to remain sane yourself. I believe that you should try marriage councelling.

[crossflow]

Oh seriously.

 

And how many times am I expected to jump off this cliff to save her and at which point do the kids have neither a mum or dad because we both are at the bottom of the cliff.

 

Your "advice" is so full of contradiction it really is not very usefull or helpful. If she had an unatural life where she was not happy would it not make more sense to end the relationship than suffer the pain everyday because of some draconian notion built around till death us do part or for better of for worse. This is 14 years we are talking about not a few weeks.

 

Seriously I can't be bothered to get into this.

[Darketernal]

Your 'approuch' is too 'bussiness' alike, and that is where your problems stem from. Your not able to think on a 'emotional' level which is why this all sounds like non-sense to you. So i gues i'll have to go on a biblical level with you of why you should save your wife.

 

12What do you think about this? A man has a hundred sheep. One of them is lost. Will he not leave the ninety-nine sheep on the hills and go to look for the one that is lost? Yes, he will.

 

13 I tell you the truth. When he finds it, he is more happy to see that one than the ninety-nine that were not lost.

 

In the same way, you should want to make an effort into bringing your wife back into your life. Help her, support her. What are you married for if you don't stick up for her when she is having a hard time? Of course she lashes out on you because your not being the supportive 'shoulder to hang on' type of person that she needs to depend on.

 

But your in a different stage , you in your mind 'already' gave up on her. Now of course me apparently judging you would not make you happy, but ask yourself honestly wouldn't it be better if you supported her just even a little to overcome her stress? And your already thinking this is non-sense because its not in align with your 'bussiness' type of approuch. Surely

 

Tell me because either you had a smooth marriage for over almost 14 years without any problems at all. Or you just dropped her like a brick the first time she was into dire dispair.

 

A marriage doesn't run smoothly all the time, and to separate your wife as soon as she's into trouble and needs you the most completely baffles me.

How do you think that the children would react if dad and mom are unable to solve their problems, or will react when you two are divorced? I think that seperation is exactly that afflicting them and pulling them to the bottom of the pit that you before mentioned. Be strong for your wife. Even when there's an argument or a dispute that's no reason to throw your marriage of 14 years into the wind as easy like that.

 

I can understand that you are 'fed up' with her behaviour , and took your kids out of harms way from her awfull behaviour, every problem has a root, and her was being overworked. Im sure that if she had a job change to a less stressfull event along with less stresfull hours she would gradually come back to her normal senses. I agree that your wife needs theraphy to get over this, and despite all the court cases that she hung over your head i would

 

reluctantly refuse to let her go because i know this is a work-stress related problem. Its not like she cheated on you or anything,i personally could not stand to desert my wife if she has a work-stress related problem, i would try to stick behind her and support her, you however will not do the same. I thereforeeee merely wanted to put accross my thought of the 'lost sheep' , i think that you missed to see what she needed at the time,namely your supporting presense. As well as her quitting her stressfull job which was the root of her inner emotional unbalance. I still say that if those two are removed and that if you guide your wife back into living a healthy ,non stressfull job(without the crazy hours) that she feels happy in, that there is absolutely no reason thinkable of why you two couldn't be back happy together with the kids again.

[crossflow]

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

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[NJRon]

I don't know Darketernal, I don't really agree with what you are saying here. I think the best that crossflow can do is hope that the anger between them goes away, and that's going to be tough. She doesn't seem to be taking her illness seriously. The best you can do is feel sad that they don't take care of themselves and protect yourself and your children.

 

From what crossflow has related, I think he has done a wonderful job of trying to make things as normal as possible for his children, given extremely difficult circumstances. I think she has a *lot* of work to do before she can be there emotionally for her own children. The marriage itself is pretty inconsequential compared to that.

 

Sometimes, you just need to do what is right. Frankly crossfire, I think you are doing an admirable job under the circumstances and I hope you come out of this ok. I can't imagine the stress.

[crossflow]

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[Darketernal]

I think there is a very frightening aspect about you. I mean regardless wether it was the best thing to do or not (in hindsight you can always say i should have done it like this or that), i don't think you see 'signals' soon enough , i mean you said it yourself that it was going on for a 'extended' period of time , this whole odeal with your wife is a path that is set, which as the previous poster said 'thumbs up for afermath well done' , but imagine yourself a 'simular' situation in the future , because i really want to know

 

wether you have learned from this situation. For example , lets take the nightmare scenario, your in the future your kids are around 12 to 14 years old, while you are at work the kids are taking drugs behind your back , they fall into a depression, and then commit suicide. Now although im not saying this is going to happen ,but what i dislike is the following ' there is a situation or problem, it gets out of control, and following moment you have to bail out of the situation to preserve whatever is left from getting destroyed by

 

whatever mad disaster has befallen on you. A good Doctor must recognize the symptoms so to speak, and in a future situation i want you to be like that because 'alarmbells' should have been ringing a LOT sooner, intervention should have taken place a lot earlier, not only for the situation with your wife, but also for who knows what the future will hit you with. You have to be like a searchlight and try to find 'those' aspects that can be damaging to yourself and your loved ones. Also work with 'flags' in your mind, you should be waving with reg flags in situation like that and or green flags when things

 

go as they should. And find a solution as soon as possible before a situation gets out of hand. None of us can prepare ourselves for all those aspects that life throws at us, but just try to apply this on all the things that lie within your power of reach and control. I find it unacceptable to even think that such a simular situation in the future may hit you again but then to the kids or even to yourself and not getting the intervention needed as soon as possible to deal with the situation. I think that 'as a bussinesman' a LOT of the family life is happening behind your back, which is why i certainly believe you as a man need to be extra carefull to monitor what is happening. And hey i could be wrong, but a warned man counts for two right?

[crossflow]

thanks for that