even though we are friends, he still hurts me so bad...please what do i do?

[Lola55]

Hi everyone...

A while ago I had a post up about how I can't trust my best friend with my ex. Here is a brief summary: Me and my ex dated for almost 4 years and broke up about 2 years ago, we have been struggling for a friendship since and things this past year have been great. He and my best friend are also really close and sometimes can be quite insensitive to me.....she has a boyfriend, however sometimes they can be a bit hurtful towards me, they just never consider my feelings. I have talked to my ex about this, he knows how it hurts me, i tell him everything and he tells me that I have nothing to worry about, they are just friends and he cares about me so much. So I left it at that. I have been getting along great with him. Our friendship has come such a long way and I am happy where we are now.

However, just last night I found out something that crushed me beyond belief.

Every year since he has been in Uni he has a formal for the sports team he belongs to. He took me when we were dating still in 1st year and not ever again since. I understand that he does not have to take me, i am totally fine with that. However, since everything we have been through in these 4 years, a part of me was hoping he would want to take me to his last one. I thought I was special enough to him. It would have meant so much to me to know that our relationship is so good now that we could do that without any worries.

I found out he did not ask me, and at first I thought he must be taking some other girl who he is interested in, that was fine and I brushed it off and forgot about it. But last night I found out he asked my best friend to go. She is supposedly not a "love interest" of his, she has a bf so it can't be a romantic date. However, i am so hurt because I thought that after everything we have been through, he would want me to be there with him. Instead he asks the one person who would hurt me the most. I know it is his formal and I have no say in it. But I thought he cared enough about me to at least consider my feelings. I am so hurt by this I don't know what to do. I feel like I have been punched right in the stomach and still can't breathe. There are so many aspects of this situation that hurt so bad, he never even told me and neither did she i had to find out in a room full of people when she was telling someone else. I am just so confused as to why he would ask her when he knows how much it would hurt me. I am so upset over this, What do I do?

[karen95]

I think that it is a pretty horrible thing to do. although you are not together, he should not have asked your best friend to go especially if there is no love interest there. i am so sorry that you are so hurt. could you try NC with him, and try to get over him and cut the friendship off. is it hurting you more trying to be friends with him? would you feel better if you did not have contact?

 

And as for your friend, if she agrees to go with him i would not call her much of a friend!! especially if she would do this when she knows how much it will hurt you.

 

and i'm sorry but i really would wonder if anything is going on between your ex and your "best friend". it sounds a bit supicious to me!! Why would he ask YOUR best friend who has a BOYFRIEND to his formal? And why would he think that she may go? Would you ask someone to a formal if you thought that they would def say no?

[Lola55]

its so hard to do NC because he is in my close-knit group of friends. Thats why i have been working so hard at having this friendship with him. So many times I have had to push aside hurt feelings because I want things to be good with us. I don't want to be the jealous ex girlfriend so I try my hardest to keep that issue as far away as possible. I think that for me, this formal meant so much because of everything I had to do. I had to go through hell it seemed, there were periods when i felt like I hated him, when i wanted to stay away but never could, when i had to watch him with other girls.....

I thought I was numb to it all and I have moved on, dated other people etc... But its the fact that even though he is not my BF, he is still so important to me. I would do anything for him, I care for him so much. And right now, I feel like he just does not care at all. It makes me feel like everything I have gone through was for nothing. The fact that he could do something like that just let me down in such a huge way. I thought that he cared just as much and now I am being hit with the realization that he does'nt. If he did, he would never do that, especially knowing how I feel about he and my best friend.

She actually talked to me today and asked me if it was ok. I told her how I felt and that I wanted her to go with him. I wanted her to go with him, because even though it hurts so bad that he did'nt ask me, he wants her there so I have to accept that. I don't want to ruin his last formal, i know it means a lot to him. I just have to accept the fact that he just cares less, and i am not as special to him as i thought.

I know I sound so dramatic, but thats what I feel like.

I can't cut off all contact, i have to change how he is in my life, for what seems to be the one hundredth time. By that I mean, that in order for me to accept him in a new way, I have to actually force myself to be ok with it until I actually am. Its so messed up. Sometimes I wish i could move far away from him.

[stolenshadow]

Hello Lola55, I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, sadly it seems to me you are putting yourself in situations of hurt that you obviously don't need.

This guy hurts you but it's only because you allow it, you care about him and I suspect you love him, part of the hurt is because he acts like he doesn't feel the same way for you, that's nothing you can change, but hanging there to see if things get better did not help you, it might be time for a change, don't you think?.

There are many things we can use to say it's okay that you keep spending time with this guy and hearing all about his life and love interests, but the truth is nothing is as important as you being okay.

I once also tried to not become the "jealous ex" and even tried to be supportive of my ex's love life, but these days I think it would have been better to walk away and continue with my own life, our ex's are perfectly capable of looking after themselves, and we should only pay attention to our own feelings.

 

Why do you think it's better if you change to suit him than if you change to suit yourself?.

Be careful, by trying to be the best friend to those who don't need it you can end up being your worse enemy.

[Lola55]

I want to change but I have no idea where to begin. How can I just stop caring about him and wondering how he is? I know that I don't have to completely stop caring, but that is why I am getting hurt right? because I care too much? What can I do here to change? I just see it as hopeless...

I feel like I will always feel this way about him because of his importance to me. He was the first and only person I have loved, its hard to not want him around, its comforting to know that he and I can still be friends after everything. I just don't know what to do here....

[stolenshadow]

You don't care too much about him, you just care in a "love" sense for a friend, thereforeeee is not a situation that has balance, that's why you suffer.

How do you stop loving him?, how do you stop seeing him as a friend?, that might be the question, the latter I think you simply cannot be his friend, you offered him more, he didn't accept it then he'll have to live without you, not the other way around.

 

The first step is to tell yourself that even if this guy was nice there surely is a better somebody else.

My dear, you don't need to settle for a friendship when you can find the right guy who is going to love you back.

Comparisons are not good, but I'm sure there are many guys out there who wouldn't ask their ex to be their friends without respecting their feelings.

 

As people have said to you, do NC, ask your friends to not tell you anything about him or start moving towards a new group of friends, you are a very nice and caring person, I'm sure many would be honored to be around you, just start erasing the ex from your life, as incredible as this might sound this guy is not the only one that can give you comfort, you can also give that to yourself and also you'll find it in meeting new people.

[Lola55]

its so hard to completely cut him out though. He will keep pushing for it, I know he will, he knows I am upset right now and he has already started to push me. I told him to give me space and back off a bit and so far he has. I just know that in a few weeks, if we have'nt talked or hung out he will try pushing again. How do I tell someone that I can't be their friend anymore? I know I don't have to tell him, but trust me, he will ask. Also, when I think about erasing him from my life, I want to because of all the times he has hurt me. But at the same time, he can be a good friend to me. Its just that the consistency is not there. The good times are always so good, and times like this are just horrible, for me at least. He keeps apologizing for what he did over and over. But it means nothing to me. I know that sounds bad, but i have heard him apologize so many times and still the same things happen. Even if it takes a year, something like this will happen again i am sure.

So do I cut him out? Or do I just take some time to myself to figure out what I need to do? As for my friend, she will never understand why being friends with him is so hard. She has never been in such a situation and is very insensitive as a person.

I am worried that if I cut him out, I will miss him as my friend. I will miss the good times. Its so hard to let go of a person who you care for so much.

Any specific plans of action for me? Like if he calls telling me he wants to hang out, how do I tell him no without telling him I can't be his friend? Situations like that are already freaking me out.

[stolenshadow]

You are already thinking about him more than about you. The "he will keep pushing" thing, he can do all he likes, you want your space, why can't you have it?.

Just be firm and clear, do tell him you don't want to be his friend anymore, don't talk about the future, just express this is what you want right now.

 

I know it's difficult, you are being pulled to different places and he's not helping, you say you are happy but things don't change, there's a limit to the time or chances you can give to things, simply because you shouldn't spend many years of your life waiting for something to happen, you deserve that things do happen.

 

You can take some time away if you prefer, if you are not sure, of course you are going to miss him as a friend, but you can have other friends who won't come with bad moments.

 

No contact is a way to avoid thinking "Why do I say?, what should I do next?, what if he gets it wrong?", you save yourself all the wondering and simply stop talking to the person. If this guy phones you don't answer, if you can't avoid talking to him just say "hello" and keep walking, don't continue debates, don't try to explain things, just say "I prefer not to be your friend anymore" or something that feels okay with you and that will be it.

[Lola55]

fair enough, I can see myself doing that. Not answering his calls etc...

but what if he won't stop? what if he keeps trying to get me to be his friend, tells me he loves me so much and cares so much (like he already has btw)? Its so hard to hear that from him and not feel like...ok he does care, he just keeps messing up. He will write me a letter if I cut off all contact....do I not read it? I just think that this is a lot easier said than done especially since we are at the same uni, he lives down the street from me and is at all the same social gatherings. Could I just play it cool until we are finished this last year and I go home? I just think that ignoring him is almost impossible to do considering the circumstances. It will get tiring, and i want to enjoy my last semsester of school and not have to worry about what to do if he approaches me, or trying to avoid places he will be. This is so messed up, I feel trapped.

[stolenshadow]

What if he doesn't stop contacting you?, well, that's why you have to make a firm decision, otherwise this can end up more messed up with him trying to attract you (for whatever reason) and you moving back and forth.

If he writes a letter read it but don't answer, if he insists on talking to you just stick to the same line "I prefer to not be your friend/talk to you now".

Personally I think playing it cool until the school year is over is a bit of running away from the problem, it is a valid option, but you need to heal from this so it won't keep haunting you. You can try to just keep your distance but it might not be a cure, and I think you need time to really stay away from this and be okay with closing this chapter on your own terms.

You can enjoy your days without having to worry about him, that is exactly the point of doing NC, that your acts, words or whatever you see around you won't make you question how they'll affect your relationship with this guy, just take it day by day, don't worry about his actions or how will you deal with them, just do things for yourself, he can no longer be a concern to you or a "guide" for things you do.

It's difficult to cut ties with people who meant a lot to us, but sometimes cycles need to close in order for us to open new ones.

[Lola55]

its been a while since I last posted about this issue. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I came to the realization that a major reason why I keep getting hurt over him is because I keep so many expectations with regards to him. Sometimes he gives me signs, or what I interpret to be signs, that I am still very special to him. Even if we are just friends, I feel that I am more important to him than other girl "friends" that he has (i.e, my best friend). If I stop expecting him to care about me and hold me in the high place I want to be held, maybe then I will stop getting hurt when he fails to do so. Also, my best friend told him no to going to the formal with him. She said she did'nt do it because of me but because there were too many things she had going on, she could'nt afford a night off. I know she did it for me, she just wanted to spare me the guilt, I am thankful for her doing that, it meant a lot to me.

Since all of this has somewhat blown over I am thinking a bit more clearly. I realize that if I do want this guy in my life, if I do want him to be my friend, I need to realize that certain expectations that I had have to be thrown away. I should'nt have to lower my standards to be his friend, but I do have to realize that he may not feel the same for me as I do for him. Although he tells me over and over again, how much he loves me and how important I am to him, he has yet to show me that on a consistent basis. thereforeeee, I will be civil, I will be a friend, but I need to stop considering him the important person I once did and to putting myself out there for him time and time again. That's it for me, he showed me that my feelings are not a priority, so i need to start working on making sure that I am happy and take him off of the pedestal where he has been standing for so long.

I don't think he can ever be out of my life. There was a point when I did'nt really ever talk to him or consider him, for about a year of my life, but he always gets back in somehow. It's no longer as a love interest or boyfriend but it has changed into a friendship. One that has taken a lot of work, and although he still hurts me every once in a while, when I think about how far we have come, it truly is amazing.

Is this how it has to be? If you want to be friends with an ex ( esp a long term ex) do you have to work at it and fight through the rough patches in order to keep the friendship going? Will there ever be a point when I don't care, or when he does'nt care about certain things that the other does or says? Or am I doomed to always be super sensitive to him?

I have all of these questions because although the NC seems like the right choice, I just don't think it is possible. He is in my life. I know by saying that, I can't really complain about when he hurts me....but that's why I am here, to seek out advice and to see if any of you have ever been in a similar situation. Based on everything I have said, do you all think I am crazy? Do you think I am making the right decision? Or am I just setting myself up to be hurt again?

tell me what you all think....i need to hear it.

Sorry for rambling on....

[stolenshadow]

If you want to be that friend who will give it all and never asks for anything back then yes, that's the way to get there.

Expecting things or more accurately, desire, is what causes suffering (according to at least two different philosophies).

 

But, I'm going to tell you that I was there, the pain was gone when I reached that "acceptance & no craving" state, it was a happy moment when the ex/friend wanted to date me then it was a nightmare when things changed for me.

 

So yes, there can be a point when you don't care in a love sense for him anymore, that might hurt him if he gets used to be the "one guy" in your life, but seeing you want to keep going with him by your side just live it day by day, nobody knows the future, what happened to me doesn't has to happen to you, I just suggest you to just be aware of your feelings always, the moment you see sad moments or worries are more present than happiness it will be time to move forward.

 

Best of luck.