Reflecting and venting..long

[Just Visiting]

Ever since the break-up with my ex four months ago, I have been working hard to learn and heal from the experience. I have carried emotional baggage and negative thought patterns for as long as I can remember. Our relationship was overall a pretty good one. We share alot of common interests, background, viewpoints, etc. I was starting to think he was "The One". Everyone thought we were well-matched.

 

The last month and a half, he became more withdrawn and moody over things in his life. At the same time, my emotional baggage (insecurity, low self-esteem) was staring at me in the face, and I didn't know how to handle it or improve things. I also felt that us being together 24/7 was really taking a toll(we were like that right from the beginning). I was feeling disrespected and unappreciated. We did speak about it a few times and it didn't seem to improve things. He started talking about spending less time together, I agreed and tried to do more things on my own.

 

The last two weeks were awful. On top of the tension at home, I lost a good friend to breast cancer, my mom had to go for emergency surgery, and one of my nephews was tragically killed. It felt like my world was turned upside down. My ex wasn't there for moral support and that still blows me over to this day. There were many times when I was there for him when he was stressed or depressed over things in his life. When I needed him the most, he turned the other way.

 

Finally, I couldn't take his moodiness and attitude anymore, it was starting to feel abusive. After he left for work, I called my mom to pick me up. I started to pack all my belongings, stored some in the closet, and took what I could. I cried so hard and deep that day. I couldn't believe that it came to that.

 

What makes me sad the most is that since our break-up, he hasn't picked up the phone once to see how I was doing. I noticed that he was logging into his online dating accounts again, that hurt so bad. If he wanted to break up to explore, he should have at least the decency to tell me. Or maybe it was a way to boost his ego. I have made mistakes in the relationship, but they weren't so terrible that would make him run. I remember one comment he made "I am not used to us not arguing". His previous relationships were with women who were pretty psycho and I am not the type who resorts to that type of dramatic behaviour.

 

Before that relationship, I was in one with someone who was a major player. That devastated me and took 1.5 years to get over. I vowed that after this recent one, I will not take that long to get over it. So much time wasted on asking useless question, trying to come to terms.

 

They say when you don't like something about someone, it is a mirror to you. And you create your reality. It is what I am really starting to believe. From childhood and teenage experiences, I have come to believe that I am not worthy of a fulfilling relationship with a man. I will always be the one to fulfill all their emotional needs, and that my needs are not as important. My father is emotionally distant, moody, stubborn, inconsistent with displays of affection. And my mom would do what he wanted, in order not to rock the boat. So I would see mom being treated with alot of disrespect. It's what I learned and carried into my 20s and 30s.

 

I am at a point in my life where I want to stop all this madness. I am working to improve my self-esteem, my self-talk...really to learn how to love myself. It has been a struggle as old habits die hard. But I don't want to get into another relationship where I am giving the most and basically giving up my identity to keep a relationship.

 

I am really trying to give accept, forgive and move on from my ex. He is constantly on my mind. Just the thought of seeing him sends me into a panic, and yet we shared so much in the time we were together. I miss his presense in my life, but he hasn't made any attempt to contact me. And I have enough pride not to contact him. He didn't want me around anymore, so I am respecting his wishes. Besides, he has shown that he cannot be depended on. He hasn't spoken about me to anyone which I find strange. When he broke up with his other ex, he wouldn't stop talking about her and the crazy things she did. So I wonder why he is not doing the same about me. I find myself dwelling on stupid things like that.

 

I am constantly told that I am an attractive, strong, intelligent woman. And this constant rejection makes me wonder. Anyway, I needed to vent and get somethings out. I have good days and not so good days.

[DN]

Did you move out to end the relationship or to try to get his attention in the hope that he would try to fix it?

[Just Visiting]

I left as I thought the only way we can repair things was to take a timeout and then work on the relationship. And when I noticed him not making contact and logging into his dating accounts, it made me realize that he was not willing to work on the relationship.

[DN]

I left as I thought the only way we can repair things was to take a timeout and then work on the relationship. And when I noticed him not making contact and logging into his dating accounts, it made me realize that he was not willing to work on the relationship.

 

Are you sure about that? Or are you just assuming? Did you tell him that when you moved out?

 

If you just moved out without telling him why, that is a fairly strong statement that can be taken many ways. How do you know that he didn't assume that you were just kicking him to the curb and that as far as you were concerned the relationship was over?

 

Pride may also be keeping him from contacting you, remember communication is a two way street. If you cut it off, and he cuts it off, how do either of you know for sure what the other is thinking or what the other wants?

[Just Visiting]

I was able to access his friendship network account as I was suspicious of his online activity. About 3 weeks after I left, I was curious to see what he was up to and logged in. There I saw messages written to people asking about their friends, and if she was single. I know hacking into his account was a terrible thing to do, but I wanted to see if he was true to us. When I saw that, it was a stab in the heart. After that, I had more anger. He tried to give me a gift that he made for me (he started before the break-up) but I refused it. Why would I want to take something after they disrespected me.

 

The day I left, I wrote that hopefully we can talk and sort it out after some time apart. He replied and said the same thing. And after I saw his online activity, I thought why would I even bother. As much I still care for him, if he wanted to date others, than I am not going to stop it. Since then, I have avoided all his online stuff. After doing that made me see that I had to start healing from my past. The last thing I want to do is check up on anyone.

[DN]

I don't quite understand - if you checked up on his online activity after you left why are you so upset? You left him and that is usually seen as a break up, in which case he is a free agent and can do as he likes. A nebulous "I hope we can talk about this' is not anywhere near a commitment to stay in the relationship.

 

Frankly, I think you have both handled this relationship badly and the break-up even worse. Neither of you communicate well and now you are not communicating at all.

 

I think you need to decide if you want him - and if you do how to go about putting this relationship back together so that both of you are happy. You cannot do that if you let pride get in the way. Be careful that you do not look back on all this some day and realise that you lost what you really wanted because of bad communication skills, bad negotiating skills and self-defeating pride.

 

If both of you want this relationship, one of you has to make the first move. Don't let false pride get in the way of you being the one to do it.

[Just Visiting]

Thanks DN I appreciate your input. Looking back, I did handle the break-up badly. I am not very good at confrontation and usually think that backing away is the easiest way to solve things. I picked up my mom's way of handling things.

 

I have been pretty hurt by everything and really working to heal my ways in relating with men. When I emailed him in early December, I explained I understood why we needed to be apart. It was too much for us in one swoop and everything fell apart. He didn't reply.

 

By what you have posted, I get what you are saying and know I have more reflection to do.