Consequences of breaking NC

[healinginnyc81]

Hey everyone,

 

I want to share my personal experience to maybe help some of you see what can happen when you break NC. It's mostly a vent, because I realized that much of the reason my self esteem has been so low lately and I feel so worthless and hopeless is because of the things my ex said to me every time I talked to her after the breakup.

 

When we broke up, she was saying things like "I need to be independent, we're too clingy with each other, I get restless in relationships, etc" It left me thinking that we could easily reconcile.

I talked to her once a week for a month after we broke up just trying to see why we went wrong, trying to get her to see that I was working on my issues and trying to get some closure or just some hope that things could work out. She was nice to me when we talked but every time she seemed to have come up with a new list of reasons why I was the reason for the breakup and why we were just bad for each other, and of course I believed it because I had her on this pedestal and I wanted to do anything to win her back. It wasn't until a month later that I found out she had left for another guy.

 

That's when I realized that all the faults that she was pointing out and all the things she was saying about me, for the most part, were not true. She was just lying to herself and convincing herself that we were wrong so that she wouldn't feel guilty about leaving me for this other guy who she had been talking to for 2 months before the breakup. But even after realizing this, my self image and self esteem are still destroyed and I still question myself. I know some of the things she said were definitely not true and I've confirmed with family and friends. Yet, I can't help but continue to question myself and wonder if I'll ever be a strong confident person again.

 

I hope those of you who are thinking about breaking NC because you think your ex is so sweet and loving and you think maybe she'll explain what really happened and tell you what you need to do to get back together, will read this and see that once you've broken up, your ex will say what she has to in order to feel better. When you break up with someone I guess you have to be able to tell yourself why it was wrong. Sometimes there are real reasons for breaking up, but sometimes I guess you have to lie to yourself.

 

PS. That was just a pouring out of my heart. I'm starting to feel the anger in me now at what has happened. I'm angry at the world because people have to go through things like a broken heart.

[lonelyfish]

Sticking to NC can be difficult but it is the best way to go no matter what the situation. It helps to protect yourself and makes you better to move on. I was wrong to think that my ex and I could do the friends thing, we always said no matter what we would remain friends but I was very niave to think that. After doing NC for two months we both exchanged Xmas cards. After the holidays I may have felt a little weak but I thought I was strong enough to make the call to see how he was doing. My ex was and is still going through a lot, I thought I was at the very least being sincere with my intentions. You know what, when I talked to him on the phone he was not the sweet, nice person that I remembered! He was almost rude - who the hell was that person??? We never fought or had any ill will towards each other when we were together. Though maybe to hear him in such a different tone was good for me because it makes me realize if he can treat me like that after having nothing but the best time when we were together then maybe I never really got to know him for who he really was.

[curlygirl47]

Lonelyfish,

 

I understand what you mean about your ex being so different; mine is acting like a different person altogether, and it's so weird. I've been on NC since Monday, but for the last few weeks before that, when I was trying to figure out what went wrong and trying to save the relationship, he had become ice man. He pretended as if he had never in any way "led me on," as he put it, even though he had talked about building a cabin with an extra room so that my daughter would have a place to stay when she visited, and he had asked me if I thought I could spend the rest of my life with him, etc. This person who was for four months generally sensitive, compassionate, and open has become like a stranger to me --- he even went back to referring to me as his "company" on the phone to his son, when normally he would say my name. I know all of this sounds like there is somebody else, and there probably is --- but still, it blows my mind that he could so suddenly turn off his feelings. Then again, he must not have turned them off entirely because he has twice called me since the break-up, in the middle of the night, (drunk) and wanting to come over. Both times I didn't hear the phone and so didn't answer until the next morning. The first time, I went over there and spent the day with him, but since he has been so cold since then, when he called this last time, I just left him a note on his truck that said I was sorry I had missed his call and if he wanted to get together sometime, call me. Whoever he's seeing wouldn't be too happy about him wanting to spend the night with me, huh? But then again maybe their relationship hasn't gotten sexual yet. Whatever. WHy am I spending time even thinking about this today? I'm on NC, and that's the direction I'm going in. Sorry to ramble.

[lonelyfish]

Curlygirl,

 

Sometimes I think that my relationship with my ex was way too good to be true and maybe now after the split my ex feels like he has nothing to impress upon me so in that respect maybe I didn't really see him in his true light. I've only had one ex prior to him that acted indifferent and almost mean and looking back now I say good ridence for I eventually saw the bad side of him.

 

So maybe we both got a chance to see the bad side of our ex's and it can give us more closure that it was never meant to be. I just never understand why after even good relationships end people tend to be cold, they could at the very least wish the other person well. Maybe that's too much to ask, and maybe I'm just too nice of a person in general and deserve someone that will totally see the goodness in my heart more so than my ex. Unless you do something bad to upset your ex or vice versa I just don't get where the ill will comes from?

[Pikey1972]

Thanks for posting, bkjsun - hope you're doing OK at the moment.

 

I've just gone NC with the ex: left him a note explaining I couldn't be friends, even though I like him very much. After 3 months of LC, this is a real relief, although I feel pretty lousy today. It's the thought of possibly never seeing him again.

 

But like you all say, NC is the way to go. Also people do change after a split, which is all the more reason to move on and focus on ourselves.

[curlygirl47]

I know my ex will contact me at some point --- he has to, because he has items in storage in a shed behind my house, and he has the key (even though we are supposed to leaving the key in a neutral location so we can share it). He conveniently forgets to put it back. Last Monday, he called at 2:56 and said "This is your friend. I'm on this side of town and need a place to spend the night. I don't expect anything." WHat the hell? The friend comment, which he said sarcastically (because he thought I was ignoring his call), was because I had told him on the day before that no matter what, he was my friend and I loved him. I wasn't home, so I didn't see him (because you know I would have let him come over and sleep with me, cause I'm a sucker and I miss him and the sex BAD). Anyway, he actually went on over to the house, saw that I wasn't there, and took the damn storage key off the table. Not a word since. I wrote a letter, but he hasn't written back. Lord, the anxiety is so hard --- knowing he will call or come by or write eventually, and wanting to know what he will say. I know he misses me; he has to. And today I am wanting to see him, badly. Just to go over and see him at work and hug him. It seems like it would make me feel better. But I am fighting it so far. No promises. The point is, I don't need the key that bad --- I could certainly use it, since I'm trying to put some stuff in storage and considering moving away, but I don't need it so bad that it can't wait. Somebody else on the forum recommended I just get a locksmith, cut the lock, and get a new key (and once again, put it in a neutral place and hope he gets the message). For now, I'm not doing anything since I've been crying and am not in good shape.

[selfi]

I have to see my ex tomoro morning at college! HELP Its 100% certain he will approach me to talk. I dont want to talk to him,Im scared it will make all my great progress go down the drain!

I need at least another month before I will be fully prepared to see his scheming, lying self again. (yes I do want to get back with him btw )

 

Can someone please help me plan what to say, how to compose myself, how long to keep the conversation going, EVERYTHING! Pleaseeeeeeeeee

[Pikey1972]

selfi, I'd suggest keeping it as brief as possible (5 minutes at most) - keep it light and airy and don't discuss the relationship. Show him that you're having a great time without him and are doing just fine. Whatever you do, DON'T come accross as low or miserable, as that will put him "in control", if that makes sense.

 

I know it's hard, but you can do it. It's only 5 minutes out of a 24-hour day, after all! ;-)

 

All the best,

 

Pikey

[Pikey1972]

Curlygirl, how are today? Have you managed to get out and do things, see friends?

 

Hope you're OK.

 

Pikey

[selfi]

selfi, I'd suggest keeping it as brief as possible (5 minutes at most) - keep it light and airy and don't discuss the relationship. Show him that you're having a great time without him and are doing just fine. Whatever you do, DON'T come accross as low or miserable, as that will put him "in control", if that makes sense.

 

I know it's hard, but you can do it. It's only 5 minutes out of a 24-hour day, after all! ;-)

 

All the best,

 

Pikey

 

your the best Pikey, I promise to do that !

[Pikey1972]

Good luck, selfi, I know you can do it!

[curlygirl47]

Pikey,

 

Yesterday was SO BAD, but then last night I took my St. John's Wort and another herbal concoction, got dressed and went out for a drink, and then went over to my friend's house for conversation and cognac. She had invited a friend (to cheer me up, I'm sure), who gave me a kiss at the end of the night, but it felt wrong. Anyway, I'm sure the herbs and the liquor and the playful atmospheretook the edge off of my pain for a while, which was nice. This morning I'm back to missing P. but it's not as bad as yesterday. I'm trying to think of what I'm going to do this spring. Stay here or move away, and focusing on that helps to take a little of the focus off P. 24/7. Last night when I stopped at the first place to have a drink, I ran into someone who usually sees me with P. and he mentioned that, so I explained that P. and I are not together anymore. He said, "I'm sorry to hear that. You made a great couple." And of course we did. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I hope so much we get back together, but I have to be patient if it's going to happen. I miss him so much. This is the 8th day, NC.

[Pikey1972]

Curlygirl, I know exactly what you mean and can sympathise with what you're going through: I too was told that my ex and I 'made a lovely couple'. Comments like that don't really help I know, and it must have been tough.

 

It's great to hear though that you went out and had a good time - keep it up! Try to take things one day at a time, and it will get easier, trust me.

 

Hugs,

 

Pikey

[curlygirl47]

Have you ever visited the website link removed I like it, and yesterday's article was good enough to post above my desk. Here's a quote: "All over the world, there exists a simple precept that, when followed, has the power to end conflict and banish strife. It is the Golden Rule, a key concept in many philosophies and spiritualities that admonishes us to "do unto others as we would have them do unto us." Its meaning is clear: treat others only in ways that you would want to be treated. However, the golden rule is not always easy to follow. It can be a challenge to honor others as we wish to be honored. Yet, when we do so, we bestow a gift of loving kindness on our fellow human beings. And, in honoring others, we honor ourselves."

[healinginnyc81]

Hey Pikey, good to hear from you. I'm doing better now. There are less days when I feel hopeless. I'm trying hard to focus on my own progress, but it's tough when I see the ex in class and she seems to be doing so much better than me.

I'm really happy to hear that you've committed to NC. In the long run, you're going to be so much better off. It's time for us to take back control of our lives and start enjoying life again. (Easy to say but so hard to do)

 

curlygirl, I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. Your ex doesn't sound like a nice guy if he can treat you like that. I hope that in time you can see that he wasn't showing his real self when you were first starting to date. Now you know what he's really like and you don't want a guy who doesn't appreciate you and treat you well.

 

selfi, I hope your run in with the ex goes smooth. Pikey gives great advice so I have nothing to add but Good luck.

[curlygirl47]

He's certainly not acting like a nice guy right now, but I'm trying to remember that he has his best and worst sides like all of us, and he's a softie somewhere under all this crap he's putting on right now: I've seen it. I remember well when, on more than one occasion, when I would even get up to leave the bed or the room, he would say "Please don't go."

 

From The Art and Practice of Loving:

 

"Out of habit you search everything for flaws, and of course you find them. But because you want to love, and this object is worthy, and you do not want to give up on it, you stick a few conditions on your love: "I will love you if you get a better job." Now, by that you might mean that you will continue spending time with her if she gets a better job, but you also might mean that you will stifle any delight for her until she has a job with more pay and responsibility. If so, you are postponing loving by a bribe. Unconditional loving does not depend on the future --- it means responding to this, right here, right now, just as it is. It frees your beloved to grow, rather than bribing her by withholding your love until she grows in the direction you want."