I think I'm just clueless

[Chisama]

I have a friend that I have been hanging out with for 3 years. He was in my high school orchestra class and I really didn't pay him any attention until prom when my ex-boyfriend broke up with me and then I found out he couldn't got to the prom anyway. So I went with the guy in orchestra. Turns out that they are best friends. But he didn't object and hi best friend didn't say anything to him about him going with me. BTW, prom was NICE.

Now, were in college. Its been 2 years. I've talking to him everyday and we go out a lot. When we talk and we make eye contact we can actually keep that way for a moment. The he might look away. But I was always taught that good eye contact was another way of conmunication plus it's polite. So how could this be different. My brother says that we like each other but we just can't seem to get that question out (would you be my boyfriend/girlfriend). He like "What the Hell are you waiting for?" I don't know. I don't even know if it is that kind of relationship. Plus this friendship that we have ,i don't want to ruin it.

Ur on the outside looking in, tell me what you think?

[finneganswake]

Why ruin a good thing? If its working for you, working for him...why don't you just let it evolve naturally? If it is meant to be more, it will most definitely happen. Most importantly, don't be influenced by society's obsession with defining relationships. Boyfriend, girlfriend, just friends...who cares?! Good things happen to those who lie in wait. And the best relationships seem to evolve out of a slow simmering of rising feelings...

 

So many people rush into things these days, but it seems you and him are on a very good track and laying a good foundating for whatever is going to happen someday. Well done!

[DN]

Assume for a moment that he got a girlfriend - how would you feel about that.

 

And would a potential boyfriend for you match up to what you think about this guy?

[smittenkitten]

I don't know. I don't even know if it is that kind of relationship. Plus this friendship that we have ,i don't want to ruin it.

 

Perhaps he's also interested in a romantic relationship with you, but he's thinking the same thing, and is afraid of "ruining a good thing" by trying to take it to the next level. Or he's afraid that his feelings for you might not be reciprocated, and his fear of rejection is holding him back.

 

I had a few good guy friends in college who hung out with me all the time. One in particular would come over & spend hours tutoring me in physics. (Now there's a super fun thing that most people are dying to do!) When I went to work in South Florida, he flew down to see me & spent a week with me.

 

I always took him for granted & assumed we were just friends, but in retrospect I realize that he was probably in love with me but too shy to make a move. I've had many guy friends who have admitted to me, years later, that they were "totally in love with you but too scared to make a move!" (OK, not that many, it's not like I'm "all that"!)

 

I don't know. I'm not a big fan of missed opportunities. You don't want to look back in a few years and be going, "Gee, what if?!?!" He might be looking for some signals that you're receptive to something more. The eye contact is a good thing, but maybe you can start flirting with him in some more obvious ways. Brush up against him a little, touch him briefly on his knee or hand, make flirtatious comments like "Gee, why can't I meet a man like you to date?", lean over & whisper in his ear and let your lips brush his earlobe ever so briefly.

 

If he doesn't respond to your little advances, you can always pull back into the friend zone. You've got a 3 year history- it sounds like your friendship is solid enough to venture into romantic territory without being "ruined". As long as you don't come right out and say, "I'm totally in love with you, let's go have sex right now!", you won't make a fool of yourself if he doesn't think of you that way.

 

The best relationships are built on friendships. I think the line "I don't want to risk ruining the friendship" is kind of a cop-out. Like I said, if the friendship is strong, I don't think you'll ruin it. If you're subtle, you won't embarrass yourself. And if you guys make the move into a romantic relationship, and it doesn't work out for some reason, there's no rule that says you can't go back to being friends. You can just shrug & say, "Well, we tried it, it didn't work, no big deal."

 

I'm still friends with many of my exes. Even my ex-husband. His girlfriend gets jealous sometimes because we get along so well. (Of course it took us a while to get to this point, but I'm glad we're here!)

 

I'd say go for it. It's pretty rare to find someone you really click with, who you're attracted to. (For me, anyway!)

 

Good luck!

[finneganswake]

Upon further reflection and following in the vein of advice offered by smittenkitten, if you want to know his true feelings for you and you don't feel like waiting for ages, initiate some light, fleeting physical contact. No bottom/crotch grabbing just yet (as much as I like advising people to do it and doing it myself sometimes!). If he responds positively, you know you've got a winner.

[Chisama]

I didn't think of it that way. Smittenkitten, that is a nice way without "ruining it." And DN I guess if he had a girlfriend at first I would encourage him... but then on the inside it would tear me apart. I guess I would be in denial about it. Letting it evolve naturally does seem like a good idea. I'll try that first and if it does seem like it's going somewhere, just to be sure, I'll flirt a little... Ummmm I didn't think about that. Thanks!

[Chisama]

Okay so remember when DN asked me about my friend having a girlfriend? Well, it's not a girlfriend... it's a date. From what he told me the girl is forcing him to go out with her. He says that when he said "no." she starts to whine and then moan... then she starts grinding on him all of this in public. He can't help but say "yes." I said he was thinking with his penis.

I asked him, why do you take me out?

"Because it's fun."

I said, "Really?"

"Yeah, especially when you scare the waiters and the service people. That's always a laugh."

He also said that I have a lot of facial expressions especially when it comes to food. ( okay, i LOVE food.)

 

But how am i to interprete this? Am i just over reacting? We're not boyfriend and girlfriend.

I asked him about going out with a guy that asked me out for a date. But I just didn't feel right about going out with another guy when I was usually out with him. I don't know. I like him. But it's rare when I get a chance to go out. Believe it or not he is my first date. From prom till now. The only place i went was a wedding from another friend. That was about it. But I don't see me or the other guy getting together at all. I told him about it... but you know he was just like "Shotgun Marriage!" It was funny, but was it all a joke and just that?