Girlfriend has had many more sexual partners than I have.

[adalo]

Hello all, this is my first post. And its going to be a long one!

 

I have recently gotten very serious with a young woman who I believe to be my future wife. We have known each other for several years but have kept in somewhat spotty contact. During those few years I heard about a number of her past sexual relationships. Within the last few months we fell in love. Quite odd for me as I am a somewhat stoic, practical guy. Anyway, I felt this transpersonal force drawing us together which coupled with our mutual affection love and interest produced a marvelous affect.

 

Problem is, she really got around in her past.

 

I am a fairly conservative, 23 year-old who has only been with 6 women in his life. I would conservatively estimate that she has had sex with twice as many people as I have, perhaps a good deal more. And, due to our intimate friendship in the past, know a number of details about her sexual history which I wish I didn't know.

 

So, despite my love and commitment for her, the ghost of her promiscuity eats away at me at times. I don't know, the thought of her with other men just rankles me. I respect her so much, so the thought of some drunken frat boy f***ing her enrages me. I know we are all human and need to get laid from time to time but this is something that is difficult for me to get over.

 

So, I come to you asking for advice. My girlfriend is a wonderful person who I hope to make my wife in the near future. I just have this one hang up about her past.

 

One more little thing. When we were still just friends she had an affair with her married, much older boss. She still meets him for breakfast once a month. She says there is nothing there and they mostly just talk about financial stuff ("He used a bit of me so now I'm using a bit of him." is what she said). Not sure what to think about this situation. So, due to her willingness to commit adultry, I have some trust issues with her.

 

That's about it. Any advice on how to get over these issues?

[yeawutever]

Yes, indeed, I think anyone would have trust issues with a partner like that. I wouldn't want to be exclusive with a guy who has * * * * many girls, I can see ur point. But, then another thing is this was the past, she didn't do it while in a relationship with u, it was way before both of u got exclusive, even before u met her. I think the important thing to make a relation work is trust and to have open communication. I think as soon as she hasn't been giving u any signs that she's cheating on u, then ur ok.

[DN]

Promiscuity is a tough word to use and may not apply. Be careful how you use it. You have slept with six women, does that make you promiscuous? You have both slept with more than one partner - it's just that she has had more. Would you have had more had you had the opportunity? Don't be hung up on numbers - it is attitude that counts.

 

I would be concerned about her boss and think that needs to be discussed as an issue.

[hosswhispra]

Adalo,

 

I can understand your concern about your girlfriend's continuing association with her married boss. To me that would indicate a 'red flag'. Do you want to be with someone that is 'using' someone. That says something about her character...ugh....

 

hosswhispra

[yeawutever]

Yea, I agree with DN, u also slept with more than two people, 6 girls. Funny, how it's always the girl who gets all those labels if she's to have multiple partners while the guy doesn't, in fact in some cultures, guys are praise for it. It should apply equally.

[lady00]

Her past relationship with the married guy is troubling but if she really realizes it was wrong and she is remorseful then she won't necessarily repeat herself. Also, I think it's reasonable to ask her not to see him anymore...he's an "ex" of sorts and it doesn't really make sense for her to still contact him...also, if he's still married, I can't imagine his wife would allow them to still meet up.

 

You need to make a decision. 1) you're going to trust her and forget about her past (this might involve her stopping meeting her former boss because that is probably just another reminder for you) or 2) break things off.

 

I don't think there is any inbetween. If you continue to feel iffy about her then you can't be committed to her. You said it yourself, you're a stoic, practical guy. So, weigh the pros and cons, make a decision and stick to it. If you decide to stay then you have to fully and completely let go of your hangups over her past. Otherwise it will continue to bother you and also, she really doesn't deserve to be judged that way. It's how she treats you that matters. People make mistakes. Sometimes they learn and change, sometimes they don't. If you don't have any reason to suspect that she isn't treating you how you deserve to be treated, and you love her, then that's a definite pro. Good relationships don't come along everyday. If you can get past the negatives, then you really have something good. Good luck!

[adalo]

Thank you very much for the advice.

 

As for the promiscuity issue, my gf has had a signficantly greater number of sexual partners than the average woman of her age. I have had an average number. I can get the statistics if you want. I would define promiscuity as having a number of relationships greater than the average.

 

Thanks for the advice about the boss. That is kind of messed up, indeed. I never thought of asking her what she thinks his boss's wife would think if she found out they were meeting. I think that will be the nail in the coffin when I ask her to stop seeing him. That would only be reasonable.

 

Thanks for the advice, keep it coming!

[avman]

An average is just that - an average. There will be a significant number of people above that and a significant number below that. Blindly labelling everyone above the average "promiscious" is pretty far fetched.

 

I would be much more worried about those "breakfasts" with the boss. That's something that is happening right now. The other stuff is in her past and you are going to have to get over that. Everyone has got a past. What counts is how they behave with you now.

[serve_the_people]

If she had an affair before, she will do it again. Dump her !!!!!

[shangrala]

the difference in number of sexual partners is sort of moot, i think. people's personalities, rather than character, often dictate (no pun intended) how many people they sleep with over a lifetime. you say you are and appear to be a more reserved, cautious (possibly even less-outgoing, tho i'm guessing) person than your girlfriend. this would likely make you less apt to jump in the sack with someone.

 

the real issue is the boss one. not necessarily becauise she's still in contact with him but becase of her dual "using" statements. 1. she indicated that he "used" her. why did she let that happen? does she have self-worth issues 2. she admitted that she is now "using" him. that, in my book, is never an acceptable M.O. for an adult. 3. having an affair with a married man is also an indication of her character. as tempting as these gents may be (and as flirtatious as they can act), we single women of character must simply say "no."

[metro_girl]

What good qualities does she possess that lead you to think of her as a future wife?