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It's 5 Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance



In my case the timeline was pretty clear, but the order was different.


Bargaining --- 15 minutes.

Denial --- 10 hours

Anger--- About 4 hours of irrational rage

Depression --- The major part tapered off after 4 months.

Acceptance --- This probably never ends, but that's good.


Your mileage will vary, but this is what I see in my rear view mirror.

It gets better.

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I know you're not ready to accept that it's over. But at least take a step back and stop all contact for a week at a time. Or even one day at a time. Just tell yourself every morning, I just want to make it through this day without communicating with her.


I think this girl is trying to keep from feeling guilty by being your friend. Don't be her friend, at least not yet. It will only make it less likely to get her back while making you more needy and attached, and making it harder for you to move on.


Regardless of whether or not you want to get back with this girl or whether or not this girl is right for you, you have to move on because the relationship is over for now. It is better if you don't have hope of getting her back, but I know that's hard - I still can't get rid of that damn hope - so I suggest you try to think of it as "I'll keep the door open to her, but I will assume she won't come back for at least 6 months to a year, so I'm going to get on with my life in the meantime."

Then get on with your life. Spend a month or so, however long you need, to grieve and come to grips with your feelings. Then start finding new places to hang out, new friends, new activities, or find old friends you haven't hung out with, and you'll slowly start to enjoy your life without her. Good luck.

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Thanks again for all the advice and support guys. I have another question. I'm trying to find a new girlfriend but I keep comparing each girl to her. I'm a fairly good looking guy and I know a lot of women that would like to be with me (im not trying to sound cocky or arogant). In fact i've been in three relationships since my ex broke up with me about 4 months ago. But each of those girls didnt connect with me and after a week, each relationship failed. Even today I was at school the whole day and I met three new girls who on their own came and sat with me and chatted with me in lecture. I know that if my ex wasnt on my mind I would've asked for their numbers and been more into them. But still I just chatted and left it at that. I can't shake the memory of my ex, and I feel like no other girl will compare to her. Like she was honestly perfect in my mind for me. And more importantly I think she had the sweetest voice in the world, and now I try to find a girl with the same voice as hers. I dont know how to stop comparing girls to her. Like I wanna move onto other relationships but shes still there in the back of my head and im saying this girl is not her and the way she acts is not the same. You could even put 100 supermodels infront of me and they still wouldnt compare. I feel like im stuck and obsessed with only her and more importantly her personality and voice?

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You could even put 100 supermodels infront of me and they still wouldnt compare. I feel like im stuck and obsessed with only her and more importantly her personality and voice?


It sounds like you aren't ready to be dating yet. It's time for a vacation from the ladies on your isolated emotional island my man! When the obsession fades, give it another shot. If you get out there too soon, you may make yourself miss your ex even more and it may drive you to contact/try to get back with her...

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Hi MessedUp, I was wondering what you age is. I might have missed that some where along the way, but I did see that you mentioned her age is 17. First of all let me say that your confusion and feelings are normal. My first love ended up being my husband for 28 years. He died in 2003 and getting over it has been difficult. However our parting was due to death which is quite different than just breaking up with some one. I went through the stages of grief with that. The year after my husband died, i became involved with a guy that ended up cheating on me, and now i have broken up with him due to that. It was my decision to end the relationship, for my own well being. I have also gone through the stages of grief on that relationship as well. You will never forget your first love but it will get easier to move on with time. I have only been broken up with my EX BF for going on the 4th week now. Some of my stages of grief passed quickly. ITs gonna be different for every one. I went through all of the denial, anger , but no bargaining, went through a short stage of depression for a few days, and am now in the acceptance level of grief. In my opinion i would wait on getting involved with another girl just yet. Maybe get involved with groups of friends, make new friends that are girls, but dont pursue the dating aspect yet. Its probably normal to compare girls to your first love and to wonder if you will find some one again that you care for as much. I think that the no contact is a good point. I have had NC with my EX since the day we parted. It was hard at first but every day became easier to bear. It sounds as though she may be a bit immature, even though see seemed mature and sure of what was going on with you were together. My son went through a similar thing with a young lady. He is 19 and she is 17. She seemed so mature, understanding, and sure of what she wanted with him. They had dated for approximately 5 months and she professed her undying love and commitment to being there for him always. She got involved with him knowing in advance that he was in the US ARMY, but that supposedly didnt matter to her. She knew the possiblity of him getting deployed overseas. Sure enough when my sons unit was deployed to Iraq, she became a different person, starting acting immature, went back on her promises to love him and be there for him and support him. My son left for his deployment dealing with the fact that he loved her, cherished her, treated her like a princess, and yet she turned her back on him. He has gone through some tremendous difficulty with it , however where he is, he doesnt have time to dwell upon it now. Sorry i am just rambling i guess on things that come to mind about break ups, relationships, moving on, and acceptance. Sorry if i got off track. I hope that you continue to move and and find new friends and i feel certain that one day you will look back at your first love as a learning experience , one that you will never forget, but at some point can and will put the the proper perspective. Good luck and keep us posted.

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Dako and Fiskodj once again I thank you guys.


Coollady1957 first let me say that im sorry about your husband and I want to even thank you more for trying to help me with my insignificant problem. I am 21 by the way and she was 17.


Well I dont know what to say anymore. I feel like I told you guys everything and really there hasnt been that much change. I feel like im gonna be stuck like this forever. As my name says I really am messed up right now. I keep going through the stages of grief. One day I miss her the next day I hate her. I guess it just bothers me that alot of the time the girl always runs back to the guy and misses him more. But for me its the opposite. She broke up with me and I ran back to her and kept running back to her. I am now starting to ignore some of her messages that she sends me on msn as a friend. Im hoping this will get her thinking and missing me but I doubt it. She is a very strong person that really is ok with letting things go. Plus she has a new bf that she really likes which I guess makes it easier for her. She did tell me that she misses me sometimes and that she thinks about me sometimes, and thats what opens my hope cycle. I feel like if her new bf treats her bad then she'll come running back to me. Thats really all I want. I said it before I just wish she can think that she made a mistake and hurt for me. Because the whole 4 months since the breakup, i've been the one dying and running back and practically begging for another chance. I dont know, I try my best to not think about it but its always on the back of my mind. No matter how busy i make myself. I can admit the pain hurts less now then maybe 2 or 3 months ago, but it really still is there. The confusion of how much she once loved me and pursued me is still on my mind and I just laugh when I remember how she said that "your the only one for me and I dont want nobody else, I've never loved anyone so fast like I love you". And now her feelings are gone like the fire between us went away. I dont understand that and I dont think I ever will. How someone can love you one minute and then not love you anymore. Like how did I get boring to be with I dont know. This is why I really feel stuck. I feel like I will be one of those people that never gets over this and just continues with life with this pain. Like a zombie. I read other posts and it just makes me mad when I see that there ex wants them back and they dont know what to do. I wish I was in that position. I know it would make me feel alot better if she just said I want you back or something along those lines. Then I'll see that I actually meant something to her.


Anyways Thanks again for the help guys, really I appreciate it. I do have good friends and family, but they are just ignoring me when I talk about this. They say enough is enough and I have to move on. They say if she wants you back then she'll come to you, but now I gotta live my life. But its hard when you feel so empty and hurt inside. Like a piece of you is missing you know.

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You problem is in no way insignificant. ITs important and significant to you, and we are all here to help as much as we can. I understand your emptiness and the hurt and the feeling like part of you is missing. I wish I knew an easy way to tell you to get passed every thing and move on, but I dont. I am here anytime you want to bounce your feelings off some one. I may not have the answers, but I am a good listener and can only offer to you what I have been through and how I dealt with certain things. Sometimes our situations are similar but different in some aspects , so that what works for some of us may not for others. I really hate that you are having such a hard time with this, but is quite understandable. Please keep us posted on your progress .

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What you've said about your ex's voice is bringing back memories and my own confusion. My ex loves to hear me sing and once just said out of the blue, when we were sitting on the couch and I was talking softly to him about something, "I love your voice." I hope he misses my voice like you miss your ex's.

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Please, please, please break contact with this woman right now!


As far as the rest of what you said, you will absolutely heal from this. But you are essentially keeping your hand on the hot burner by talking to her and being in her life. She is not the last woman you will love like this regardless of what you think.


As for your questions, it's good you are thinking about them. In time, you will beat yourself up so much trying to answer them, you won't care anymore! And you'll probably meet someone else that blows your ex away in the process...


Let's take this step-by-step. Step #1 is get out of her life.. completely...and do this now...

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I'm not contacting her. In fact I stopped contacting her 2 months ago. She messages me on msn every now and then. The last phone call conversation we had over 2 weeks ago she messaged me first cuz she said she needed my help with something, and then I told her to call me after so I can talk to her. I know I know im stupid. The point is, I do not message her anymore. I told her if she wants to talk to me she has to message or call me. And lately she has been messaging me more than before but they also have been ridiculos messages like "hey I cut my hair but I think its too short", things of that nature. I am now starting to ignore her messages, I havent answered any of them in almost a week. But she hasnt messaged me in a couple of days and im thinking maybe she doesnt care no more. Shes probably thinking to herself that this guys trying to ignore me or somethin and she probably doesnt even care. Thats the point, im not answering her messages because I want her to worry a bit and be like why isnt he talking to me anymore. She doesnt have a cell phone because her parents wont let her have one and she never gave me her house phone because guys cant call her house. Like I said her parents are very very strict. But she used to sneak off and call me which made me feel even more special I guess. Anyways, the point is that i basically have no contact with her. I havent seen her in 3 months, and the only communication we have is on msn when SHE decides to message me to say hi and thats it.

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UH OH friscodj your gonna hate me for this. I just got home and on my msn name I put "at my favorite persons house" referring to my baby cousin that was just born and I set my status as 'away'. And I just came online and I see that my ex messaged me on msn with a message saying "your not at my house liar" and she put a smiley face beside the message. And I just wrote back "LOL" but shes sleeping so she didnt respond. UGHHHHHHHHH Now i wish I didnt write anything back to her so she can wonder why I didnt answer back. This is the first time I answered back after a week. See and this again opens the hope cycle. But I know shes fricken teasing me I JUST HATE IT. If she didnt have a new bf i think I would have a 50/50 shot at getting her back, but now its like a 10% chance and I want to work for that 10% but I know I shouldnt. IM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WEAK!!!!!!!!!!

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LOL DAKO I cant man..I told her that I wanna be friends cuz I dont want her out of my life. This girl was truly amazing to me. Her voice can calm me down like nothing else. She gave me the option, shes like if you wanna be friends lets be friends and if you dont then whatever. And I said ok lets be friends. I dont know why she is so cool with not caring about whether or not im in her life or not. She use to tell me that I was her life lol. Dako if i told her to go away then she will and for some reason I dont want that. And I dont want her to have a bf, but she already has that. And I want her to miss me like crazy and want me back, but thats not gonna happen. See i know the answers to the questions, but its like my mind isnt processing them. I seriously think God put this for me to teach me a lesson. Guys I use to be the guy that would laugh at love movies or make fun of love songs because I didnt believe in it. I use to treat girls like pennies. I never ever got attached or showed any feelings. Even when a girl cheated on me I wouldn't care at all. I would just find somebody new the next day. I had so much control over girls it was unbelieveable. But then this girl came into my life and everything completely changed. Now I understand those love songs and cry when watching those love movies. Its like shes the girl version of what I use to be. And I seriously cant shake her off my mind. I just want her to feel guilty and miss me. And I want her back so that maybe I can break up with her.

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Dear MessedUP,

This girl is just playing silly cruel games with your emotions. I understand that you miss her, and you feel like part of YOU is gone. YOu said in your post that you know the anwers but some how your mind is not processing it all. As some one said earlier, this is going to be such a long drawn out thing if you dont act on getting yourself over this. I agree that you need to change your name and email address on your IM and delete hers, so that you dont get all the little comments from her and then are tempted to reply back. Please I urge you to do this NOW and dont wait. She already has boyfriend. She is just toying with you online with the messages. Let her go , as hard as its going to be, I feel this is the best in the long run. TRy to move on and resurrect some old interests or get involved in something new. Go out with a circle of friends that does not include her or people that are close to her. HOld your head up , put one foot in front of the other, take a big deep breath, and get out there and get motivated to move on with YOUR LIFE !!

Its the most difficult thing I have ever had to do myself, so I DO KNOW what you are going through. Its not like I am just rambling on about something I have never been through. This breakup with my EX BF has been horrible, but I am doing so much better now. You will to . Please now break ALL ways of contact with her. THis is turning into a game with her that will go on and on and on if you allow it to. DO NOT ALLOW this to continue. I dont mean for this to have sounded harsh. You seem like a caring sensitive young man that some woman will appreciate and love dearly in the future. Move on. I just dont think this is meant to be with her at all.

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You have to take her name off msn! Don't be her friend. It will keep you needing her. You don't need her. I know exactly what you mean about her being so special. I continue to feel that my ex was my twin soul. She also taught me what love means. I didn't ever believe I would fall in love like that. But it happens to most people. You have no other love to compare her too. But there are other people that you and I will feel that way about. You have to believe that. You will not be able to get over her if you continue to have contact. You need to get her out of your life. Once you no longer need her, you can be her friend.


I'm doing the same thing right now. I can't be friends with my ex because there's no way I would ever lose these feelings for her if I continued to keep up with her. I have to pretend she doesn't exist. When I see her, I want to believe it's someone else who looks like her but it's not the girl I knew.


Keep us updated, you WILL get through this.

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I'm doing the same thing right now. I can't be friends with my ex because there's no way I would ever lose these feelings for her if I continued to keep up with her. I have to pretend she doesn't exist. When I see her, I want to believe it's someone else who looks like her but it's not the girl I knew.


Good plan man...I feel the exact same way about my ex...I'll try this..."Your ex is now a stranger, another face in the crowd, she no longer exists in the way you remember."

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I remember a silent film clip of blimp trying to land. An updraft lifts it, and the line handlers drop from the mooring lines as it rises up to a few hundred feet. All except one poor guy who doesn't loosen his grip until it becomes a fatal act.

His comrades were probably screaming "Let go! Let go!"

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