So Mad

[MessedUp]

I dont know why but lately i've moved from feeling sad to feeling really mad and confused because of how my ex has completely gotten over me. I posted earlier about my story and how my ex was crazy about me and loved me soo much and blah blah blah, and then one argument about not seeing her as much as I wanted to and she snapped and broke up with me. After three months when we broke up she found a new bf and that made me feel even worse because she gave me the excuse that she just wanted to be single and go out with her girlfriends and that she had no more time for a bf. And now she has a brand new one. And she told me that she just wants to be good friends and that she doesnt know if we will ever get back together again. She says shes happy with her new bf, but she doesnt love him. And I tried so hard to tell her that things will be different with me and i practically begged her to go back out with me, and at times it looked like she was gonna cave back in, but then she just said I cant talk about this now, I have a new bf and its not fair for him. Anyways, I dont know why but now im just really really mad. Like she messages me on msn with like joke messages, like hey buddy hows it going, or hey I cut my hair but I think its too short...And sometimes I answer back normal and sometimes I just dont answer back at all.. It just makes me mad that someone can be so in love with you and then just go back to the friends stage like nothing between us ever happened. And its driving me crazy that shes soo cool with it. And im sitting her missing her so much and shes probably calling up her ex bf. UGH sorry for the long post I just had to get that out. Oh yea and shes only 17 but still, when we were going out it seemed like she was so mature and understanding and now its like a whole new person that doesnt even care about how im feeling. Its been 4 months since she broke up with me and I treated her like a queen. But i've been going through so many emotions, from missing her soo much to now just being soo mad at her and so confused as to how shes totally different. Is this ok or am I going crazy?

 

Does anybody have any advice or comments?

[friscodj]

MessedUp-

 

What you are experiencing is normal, it's called going through the stages of grief. First, comes shock and denial, then sadness, then anger, then it all comes full circle into acceptance.

 

What you need to do is cease any and all contact with this woman. You're in a bad place right now, and one I have visited too many times in my life. Stop playing this game, ball up, and start making choices to love yourself and put this woman behind you, no matter how much you love her and how much you've been through together. This one is pretty obvious to me...

 

You treated her like a queen man! Hold your head high knowing you did your best and take your game to a woman who will truly appreciate how you treat her and reciprocate that treatment back to you! There are far better relationships out there for you bro.

[MessedUp]

friscodj once again I thank you and respect you for your help. I appreciate you trying to talk some sense into me lol..What you said about the circle and stages makes sense, but im going through them like several times and in different orders. One day im sad and missing her, the next day im angry and I just want to tell her off, then the next day im accepting the fact that shes gone and its time to move on, but then again comes the hope that she'll return and come to her senses. I've been feeling hope ever since the phone call conversation 2 weeks ago because thats when I just broke down and told her everything thats happened to me for the past 4 months and how i miss her so much and I will change and blah blah blah. And then at times it was like she felt some love for me again because she went all quiet, but then she flipped again and said stop I cant talk about this I have a bf now. But she did go from saying there was no hope for us to ever get back together, to her saying I dont know what will happen in the future. And she has been messaging me more on msn, but in a friendly way I know. And thats what bothers me so much. I poured my whole heart out to her and still not a change. Remember this was the girl that was in love with me first and practically begged me to go out with her, and I WAS THE ONE SAYING LETS JUST BE FRIENDS.. This I dont think I will get over. How our roles reversed and im chasing her now and shes blowing me off. I feel like ive been played or used, but she did tell me that she really loved me and then for some reason the feelings were gone, so she says that she didnt play me or anything, I dunno. And whats scarying me more is that we only went out for 3 months, and its been 4 months since the break up and im still not over her. I admit im better then before, but this feeling of loss and hurt is not leaving me. And I know 3 months is too short of a time to fall in love and everything, but this was the first girl I actually said I love you to and felt so strongly about. And she told me things like I will always love you and I cant live without you, so i think back to those times and how now she can just sit there and call me buddy and have a new bf just drives me crazy

[friscodj]

MessedUp-

 

I think you're struggling so much because, as you said, this is the first time you've told a girl you love her. This journey of pain and despair, opening your heart and having it broken is new to you and it WILL take a long time to get over! That's normal! Don't pressure yourself into thinking you should be OK.

 

As far as the circling stages of grief, that happens, and will continue to do so. You just have to ride it out, just like a rollercoaster, up, down, up down, ... But the ride WILL end and when it does you'll get off, feel a bit tipsy, but you'll be OK!

 

Look, you're young, you'll love again for sure. I can't tell you how many times I've said, "I'll never love like this again" and sure enough, a new love comes along. And the next time, you'll have been through this journey of exploration into your own heart and mind and be ready to offer a more mature love to the next woman...a woman who won't play you like this woman is and will treat you as you deserve.

 

Bro, you've GOT to let this woman go in order to move on. You can keep chasing and getting hurt and eventually you'll say "F*** this S***". You're beating yourself up with letting her and this situation drive you crazy. Take charge of yourself and your life now and start moving on. No contact.

 

To quote you, "I poured my whole heart out to her and still not a change." Well then there you go. You did your best, rolled the dice, there's no shame in that.

 

You did your job, a dam good job, but now it's quitin' time son!

[MessedUp]

haha friscodj your the greatest, but I heard that you can never get over your first love and you will always think about her and compare her to other girls. Is that true. I'll admit, now I look at every girl and compare her to my ex and they just never meet the standards. Like her voice was one of a kind and I miss hearing it. UGHHHHHHH why did this happen to me. I went from not caring about girls at all to dying over one girl that I had and lost. (Or basically she left me cuz she was bored and that kills).

[friscodj]

Well, I can't speak for everyone, but I got over my first love a long time ago! It definitely happens! Now when I think back to my first love and what we had together, I put my head down, shake my head, laugh and say "Thank god I got out of that s***...what was I THINKING???"

 

What you're going through is normal, first love or any love. You just have to ride it out. The first love is the hardest I think because like I said before, you've never explored these feelings of grief and losing someone before, never felt what it means to love someone, their voice, everything about them.

 

After you get over this woman, you'll have more confidence in future relationships because you'll have "been there and done that." You'll be a seasoned pro after you get through this and have better relationships in the future because of it. You'll be wiser, more observant to what is going on, what she is doing, and you'll be able to make a better relationship out of it.

 

But for now...your job is done...time to emtionally pack up and head out...

[NJRon]

Friscodj has it all right. The stages are just stages that everyone goes through with any loss, not all people go through them in the same order and it is common to flip back and forth between them until it passes.

 

As for getting over your first love, believe me, it will come. Just like any major love of your life, you will never forget them. But, that's not such a bad thing. However, when you think of them you won't feel the emotions rising to the top and you will be "over" them. If people never got over their first love, there would be a lot more sad people out there

 

Hang tough

[MessedUp]

Thanks Ron.

 

I guess I just wish she was hurting as much as I do, I know thats selfish, but she messaged me today again on msn cuz I put something on my user name about being tired from work. And she sent a message saying "suck it up and stop complaining lol"...Like those are the messages im getting, there joke messages indicating that she is perfectly comfortable as being friends and cracking jokes like friends do. And I'm just thinking 4 months ago, the message would've been "I love you baby" or something like that. I dunno, sometimes I ignore the messages and sometimes I respond but the point is that im just bitter that shes like so ok with the friends thing. I just wish she could hurt a bit for me or miss me like i miss her you know. And thats why im keeping contact with her, because im hoping she'll remember or somethin will change. I know if I block her then shes out of my life forever. She doesnt have a cell phone or anything but she'll just be like ok he blocked me and doesnt wanna talk to me, so ok who cares. And she'll just continue on with her life/....UGH i have a crazy mind, im soo attached and obsessed with her its crazy still. But I am getting better bit by bit. I still have a hurting feeling bbecause I feel like I didnt mean anything to her and some days are better than others, but again the feeling is still there. And I know i'd take her back if she wanted to come back. Thats how weak I am.

[healinginnyc81]

Actually, I think if you stop communicating with her, she's gonna care more. She's gonna think some of the same things you're thinking, like "Didn't I mean anything to him? Doesn't he care about me? How could he just ignore me? Has he moved on with his life?"

 

I would advise you to stop contact with her for a few weeks. By keeping up with her and talking to her, you are making it really hard on yourself. It would be much easier for you to move on if you stopped all contact with her.

[MessedUp]

bkjsun i dont think she will. See I already told her a number of times even 2 weeks ago from our last phone conversation that I will always love her and miss her and im still hurt by her and basically i begged for another chance. But she couldnt take me back cuz she has a new bf. Also I remember when we first broke up, the first month I kept yelling at her and asking what her problem was and then she finally got fed up and actually blocked me on msn. I had to go to her work and tell her to unblock me, the first time I had ever gone to her work for anything. I played this whole situation wrong. Instead of not doing the no contact thing, I immediately pressured and annoyed her to take me back because I didnt want her to lose any feelings for me over time. So I kept asking and asking. She took me back after a week from the initial break up, but then broke up with me a week later again saying that she doesnt feel the same anymore and she felt guilty and thats why she took me back for a bit. I dont know. I know im stupid, and I know I handled this whole situation wrong. Thats why im trying to be good friends with her again, cuz im hoping she'll see what kinda guy I was again. Because she did say that she doesnt love her new bf and she does miss me sometimes, its just that she cant talk about it now cuz she feels like its not fair for her new bf. I havent seen her in 3 months, and I wanna ask her to hang out next time she talks to me but I know I shouldn't right? I know if she sees me something will come back to her. See this is what I mean by the stages that keep going around. One minute I hate her, the next minute I miss her more than anything. IM SOOOOOO CONFUSED.

 

P.S. Thanks for all the help guys and letting me vent out my frustration. I know im just too young and too stupid to understand whats going on. But like I said this was my first love, and I miss it terribly. I've been with three girls since the break up, but each relationship lasted like a week cuz I couldnt connect with them. Right now it looks like shes the only one with her sweet voice and her words that made me go crazy over her. UGHHHH

[Dako]

I don't know if this is encouraging, but my first love was a flake who cheated on me and left me without a goodbye. I got over her so long ago she's barely a memory. If I saw her on the street I probably wouldn't recognize her. Oh, sure when she left I was devastated, but she was a major head case.

Time took care of the details.

[MessedUp]

that sorta helps lol...thanks dako, but im getting the feeling im never gonna get over her..no matter what i do to keep myself busy, shes still on my mind

[Dako]

I'm in the same boat. I keep waiting to get past my wife bailing on me and doubting it'll ever happen. 5 months and counting...

[MessedUp]

Sorry to hear about that Dako. Does this mean that were both doomed? Like I really dont like this feeling of confusion, hurt and anger..Does this mean it will never go away?

[Dako]

No, we're far from doomed!

It'll go away. I'm actually considering dating pretty soon. The only thing that stops me is a fear of dating itself. It's hard to get into after 27 years with one person. My fixation on my ex is much less than in the third month. I find myself forgetting her entirely when I'm involved in some hobby or book. I read stacks of books after she left just for escape.

I've even discreetly ogled a few ladies, while having impure thoughts.

 

You really will get over this rough patch. It's like getting over the flu, but over a longer time.

[MessedUp]

Thanks Dako..But see your much stronger than me. Your moving on after being with someone for 27 years. Its been 4 months and I havent moved on from a 3 month relationship. This is not normal. Thats why its worrying me that the pain and the thought of her will remain with me forever.

[friscodj]

Thanks Dako..But see your much stronger than me. Your moving on after being with someone for 27 years. Its been 4 months and I havent moved on from a 3 month relationship. This is not normal. Thats why its worrying me that the pain and the thought of her will remain with me forever.

 

It takes different amounts of time for different people and different situations. Certainly, the pain will not last forever. The memories may, but over time, those will become more distant. It's like being sick I guess. Some people catch a cold that lasts 2 months but eventually it goes away...

[Dako]

Messed up,

 

I think you have a tougher situation.

You had unlimited expectations of your future with her. She was the key to the rest of your life. Quite a serious loss.

 

In my case, we had a long time together, with ups and downs. I loved it all and have it to look back on. Just because it ended doesn't take it away from me. I feel blessed. I want to meet another woman just to talk about trees, birds and books, maybe just take a walk and laugh at the world.

 

You'll get to a point where the old you will appear in the mirror, and you'll find you can move on like before.

 

Somewhere an interesting lady is going through heartbreak.

[friscodj]

Somewhere an interesting lady is going through heartbreak.

 

Great perspective...

[MessedUp]

THANKS alot guys for all your help.. I think my problem is that I feel rejected and confused more than actually missing her. Like I said I think more about how she loved me first than actually thinking about her. I guess the shock of her once dying to be with me to not loving me anymore is what hurts the most. Someone told me that you cant blame the person if the flame has faded away, but it just gets to me that she was so into me at one point in time and now shes not. But I understand that you cant make people feel the way you do and I know I have to get over this, its just taking a while which annoys me. Thanks again for all your help guys. I cant wait for the day till I post about how I recovered and found somebody new. Right now it doesnt seem like it will ever come, but im hoping it will.

[MessedUp]

bkjsun you are absolutely right man..I know I handled the whole situation wrong. She even told me this. When she first broke up with me, I just went nuts and started messaging her to take me back. Then I went to her work so she can see me. That worked for a week because she took me back but then broke up with me again because she said that she only took me back because she felt guilty of the pain she caused me. Then I started to make her feel bad saying things like you never loved me at all, your so heartless, I should've cheated on you and stuff like that. Thats when she blocked me on msn and I had to go to her work to tell her to unblock me. Like I said before, she is only 17 and her parents are very strict. She doesnt have a cell phone and she wouldnt give me her house number thats how weird the relationship was. But I still fell in love with her. The point is that I know I did everything wrong. I know if I left her alone from the beginning she would probably be in the same position im in. But now she knows that she has me by a string. Again, 2 weeks ago, she called me and I broke down again telling her how much I missed her and wanted her back. It helped me get some closure and helped me get some things off my chest but again it made me look bad and desparate. At times it seemed as though she was gonna cave back in to me because she would stay quiet and say things like "remember when" etc.. but then she stopped herself and said no i cant talk about this I have a new bf, and its not fair for him. I did however, make myself look like a good guy as well because I did say I just want you to be happy and that I will always love you and stuff like that. Like I didnt yell at her or anything (which so many of my friends told me to do because they say that she basically played with me and used me until she was bored of me). Thats why im hoping that if I be the good guy, and we be friends, then maybe some feelings can come back i guess. Cuz the truth is I would take her back in a second. She has been messaging me more on msn, and sometimes I answer and sometimes I dont, but I dont know if she will ever be like "why isnt he talking to me". I just want her to hurt and think of me like I do of her, but I dont know if she will.

[pos69sum]

you have to lose all hope in order to come to the final stage, which is acceptance that it is really over. the fact that you are still in her life just makes it worse - it is like rl said - its picking at a scab so that it can never heal. this situation of yours is no fair to you, you are there for her like a security blanket, and yet you get nothing back in return other than a constant reminder that she is over you and with someone else now. no contact is the only way.

[friscodj]

Realize it's not your fault and what happened, did so for a reason. Even if you did do some stuff wrong, your actions may have been speaking the truth about the relationship...it'll all come full circle in time...

[MessedUp]

ok she just posted a message for me on this online website. Basically in this site you make your own profile with your pics and everything and people can send you messages in which everybody that goes on your page can read. She just clicked on my page and wrote a message saying "ew ur ugly lol , just joking dont cry (HEART)"..This is the stuff im talking about..how shes so comfortable with the friends stage. And through all the time we had, for her to just write one simple and stupid sentence, while she wrote like a book to her other friends saying things like your the greatest and I miss you...ughhh I deleted the message hoping that when she goes back to my page she sees that i deleted it and maybe she'll wonder some things about me.

 

WOW i just realized that i've become more obsessed with her trying to want me again and feel for me. I guess thats why im not moving on. Im still trying to make her realize what she left and its become like my life mission now.

[pos69sum]

that girl's a * * * * *. stay the hell away from her.