Pressure to join a "group" from a now X.

[parkersoups]

I do not want to mention the name of this group, but I think that I can be safe and write that their motto is something to the effect of "Having a break through" and "Any life you want for yourself is possible." This is a 3-day intense 12+ hour session. Now, the reason I am seeking expert advice. I dated a woman for 7 months. I have always approached a relationship with the philosophy that it is not the quantity of time spent together, but the quality.

 

She had pressured me to join this group because she felt that we would have an amazing relationship. As she stated to me and in her words, "Do you realize what an amazing relationship we would have if you shared this with me?" After doing some research on the company, I decided that it was not for me. I informed her of this and she accepted. Weeks later she asked me again and I informed her of my same answer. I asked her to explain what this "forum" entailed and all she could say, "You'll have a life changing experience." What does that mean exactly? I was asked again and I started to feel pressure and as if our relationship was contingent on me joining this group. I did not mention this to her and she never spoke of it again.

 

On Dec 31st, she broke up with me. She told me that there was nothing wrong with me, her, or us, but she felt as if she could not be in the relationship anymore. For 20 days, I tried to earn her back; I even went to another "Special Evening" of the course. Yes, I almost joined in the hope that that would lead us back to one another. In spoke with her outside the room I asked her what bearing me joining the forum would have on the possibility of us getting back together, and she stated, "I cannot predict the future if you do, but I can if you do not." She stated that she was not giving me an ultimatum, but making a stand for me as she felt this forum would do so much for me. I am not going to argue about semantics, but that sounded like an ultimatum. At this point all I know is that she broke up with me because she is still "discovering her needs and wants in a relationship" and that the next person she dates she wants "them to share the experience of the forum" with her. She still finds me amazing and wants to build an amazing relationship. Personally, I think that she is so consumed with this forum that she does not know what she wants and looks to the forum for help. I doubt that she is knows this, but will not listen to logically reasoning.

 

My question is this, how healthy is this forum for her? How can one person be so consumed with an organization that she needs and wants the person in her life to join? I am not talking about a cribbage club or something to that effect, but an organization that I feel, in my non-expert opinion, is very unhealthy. I think I can go as far to say that the purpose is to manufacture past experiences that result in "a break through", thus resulting in more money spent on "advanced courses." I sat through a 3+ hour lecture and I heard nothing more than jargon.

[DN]

Whatever this course is it sounds like a rip-off or some sort of cult thing to me and I think you were right in not joining it. It also sounds as if she had been indoctrinated in some way and i think the farther away from it and her you are the better. I would steer clear of her unless and until she steers clear of this group.

[shes2smart]

IMO, anyone or any group that offers "enlightenment" (or a "life changing experience" or whatever they're calling it this week) for a price is immediately suspect.

 

There is obviously some sort of void in your ex's life/personality that this particular cult...er....group fills. Those kind of groups are good at doing that -- they look for people who feel they're missing something (love, "amazing relationships", prosperity, fill-in-the-blank), then offer to provide it to those seekers for a fee.

 

Where I used to live, there was this "church" with a very dynamic leader. One of my employees got mixed up in the "church," and one of the first things they instructed her to do was to cut ties with all non-"church" people in her life, as they would be detrimental to her "growth." Over the next few months I watched this girl change into one of....them. Less than a year later, she quit a job she had loved at one time and went to work for the "church."

 

That was, oh, 6-7 years ago. After working for the "church" for a few years, she started to notice things weren't quite adding up. Like the fact that it was a requirement for ALL "church" members to tithe....you couldn't be a member of the "church" if you didn't pony up. Those who worked for the "church" had their tithe automatically deducted from their paychecks. So, here she is, struggling to get by, and that dynamic pastor is living in a huge house and driving a beamer.

 

As she became more aware of these little discrepancies, she started the slow, difficult & painful process of becoming disentangled from the "church." She has since apologised to those she cut out of her life when she joined the "church" and she doesn't speak much of her time there only to say it was a mistake.

 

If that group isn't offering something you're interested in for yourself, you're absolutely right to pass. While you can express concern about the choices she's making to your ex, there's not much beyond that you can do. If she wants to get involved with some whack-job organization and she's not harming anyone's person or property to do so, she's got a right to do that. Being free to make your own choices means you're also free to screw up your life as much as you possibly can with poor choices.

[parkersoups]

I appreciate the replies. For the record, this organization is called the "Landmark Fourm." I have never heard of this "organization." By nature I am critical, meaning that I look at both sides of an issue and formulate my own opinion, which all of us have. I performed several net-searches on this organization and what I read contridicted what this forum was attempting to introduce to me, and validated my gut feeling. Relationships are about accepting another for what they are and what they are not, but not conformity.