is this possible or even worth it?

[deejay74]

i've been doing a lot of thinking about my break up. i know that i will probably be the one to break NC, but right now is not the time.

 

i honestly doubt that i will stop loving my ex, or that i may never even stop being in love with her.

 

what i was thinking, is when i actually am ready to talk to her and when the time comes, i want to tell her that i still love her, that i am still in love with her, and that i am here if she wants to try again, but i am not going to wait around because i have my life to live as well. i don't know if it's a going to be a wasted effort or not. i will mean it when i say i won't wait around because i'd be foolish to let someone else go b/c i am waiting for an ex that may not change her mind. i also want to let her know i really would like to be her friend too. what i don't want to do, is set myself up to be her, as someone put it, "emotional tampon".

 

is there a way to let your ex know that you'd be willing to give it another shot, yet to also let them know you're moving on in case they don't want try again, but you're also willing to be friends if she doesn't change her mind?

 

maybe i am too much of an idealist?

[DN]

is there a way to let your ex know that you'd be willing to give it another shot, yet to also let them know you're moving on in case they don't want try again, but you're also willing to be friends if she doesn't change her mind?

 

You could tell her exactly that in those words. But if you do you put yourself in limbo because you never will move on - you will just wait and hope she comes back to you.

 

Much better plan is to assume she will not, accept the reality, heal as quickly as you can (and it is possible) and then find someone who loves you as much as you do her.

[Relationship Coach]

what i was thinking, is when i actually am ready to talk to her and when the time comes, i want to tell her that i still love her, that i am still in love with her, and that i am here if she wants to try again, but i am not going to wait around because i have my life to live as well

 

She knows these things, you've told her before. She told you in the beginning that her schedule would get busy and her work and school was a priority. She did the best that she could and the relationship was too much of a load for her. She has now moved on and has not even attempted to contact you in any way. She's not doing this to be mean or hurt you, she's doing it because she doesn't want to hurt you and give you false hope. She wants you to move on as well.

 

You seemed to be shocked that she hasn't contacted you since New Year's, you are missing the point of NC, it's for you to heal and move on, not to get her to contact you. You need to come to terms with this and stop trying to come up with the "perfect ultimatum" that's going to send her running back in to your arms. It's never fun for me to spell this out for my clients but I know the pain of holding on is much greater than the pain of letting go. Haven't you hurt enough?

 

RC

[friscodj]

DN and RelationshipCoach-

 

Man, you guys give top-notch advice. Thanks for posting here!

[deejay74]

wow!

 

you know what, thanks for saying this. i think i really needed to hear this. you're absolutely right and i am having a hard time of letting go.

 

i don't know why, but it's extremely difficult for me to accept what you have just said. i think deep down i've always known this but i cannot seem to accept it no matter how hard i've tried.

 

thanks for telling it like it is.

 

yes, i have hurt enough and i continue to hurt. i don't know when it's going to stop but i want it to stop now.

 

EDIT - so if what about the friendship card. did she not mean that at all? was she just being nice? if she wants to be a friend, don't friends call each other? i really would like to be friends. i understand that doing NC is supposed to be a time for me to heal but it's making miss her more and more. it's having an opposite effect. i am almost getting desperate to stop thinking about this whole thing and to let go.

 

also, what can you recommend to let go because i've tried everything:

- when i go out with friends, all i think about is how much i want her there with me

- when i try to keep my mind busy/occupied, she keeps popping into my thoughts

- when i am at work, i constantly think about her there too

- i can't be at home alone because i will start to dwell

- many things remind me of her

- when i start to fall asleep, i think about her and when i wake up it's the first thought on my mind.

 

since you've said she's already moved on, that's very quick and that hurts to know she's gotten on with her life already (not that i want her to be miserable).

[Relationship Coach]

Let the friendship card go for now, it's hard to say for now if she meant it or not. I think being her friend anytime in the near future would be a very bad decision on your part, you have a great deal of healing to do first. You are way too deep in to her just to be friends and you will continue to hurt yourself by being her friend. You would accept being her friend so you can be close to her but it wont be enough and what happens when she starts to date someone else? See how being close to her isn't a good idea? You need to just let her go 100%.

 

You are obsessing about her and that is very unhealthy, what you had with her is over. You are still somewhat in denial and have not fully accepted that the future that you once thought of no longer includes her. You are displaying many of the same symptoms of an addict going through withdraws. You think of her, want her and crave her because you know how good she can make you feel but what you are not realizing is the damage and pain she has caused. She has consumed you because you are only focused on what you miss rather than the reality of the situation.

 

I know many people with busy lives that have great relationships and marriages. I cannot imagine a schedule which couldn't include love. The fact is, a relationship with you is not a priority for her. As for why, I can't tell you. Does she just not want you? Maybe. Has she met someone else? Maybe. Is she so focused on what she wants in life, which does not include you? Maybe. My point is "We" don't know what her real reason was for breaking up with you, we can only read her actions, her words are suspect for now. She broke up with you and she isn't calling you, what else do you need to move on?

 

RC