What should I do?

[cf669]

I have been dating my bf for 5 months since I met him 15 months ago and Recently I found out he lied to me.

 

It happened like this. I asked him if he fancied lunch as we normally do. He acted a bit strange and refused because he was too busy with work so I was upset as I felt it was a silly excuse. And finally he gave up and agreed to meet for lunch together…

 

But in the evening I found a message from him on my mobile, which I forgot at home in the day, it was sent at lunch time and it said he was sorry he did not call and he had to delay the lunch till tomorrow to a girl he just met on plane few days ago… I only knew it when I got back home and before that he claimed he need more space and did not want to see me every day as he was busy with his work and does not like finding excuses to not to see me… However, he told me he really likes me and there was nothing wrong or any other girls…

 

He said he never met that girl yet and can let me meet her as well…or I can ring her to find out what was really going on… He said he did not cheat at all and only is interested in what she is doing (They are doing similar jobs) but going out with her as she is not as attractive as I am and he is really happy with me… But he hopes that girl could help with his career in the future. And he is not going stop meeting her for me as it is not good to him…

 

After I found out the truth I went completely mad and hurt myself physically as I really do not know how to let go…](*,) it never happened in my life except my dad… But my bf did not agree that he lied or it was his fault. He thinks it is only because I do not trust him and he does not want to be with a girl who is mental and does not trust him...(I used to trust him a lot before this happened, although my dad cheated on my mum and left her for another woman…) And he can not be asked to earn my trust back…bla bla… But meanwhile he went mad and told me he only found out that he was in love with me when he split up with me two months ago and he was crying every night in his room then… And his heart was deeply hurt when we got back again but I told him I kissed a guy once during the time he broke up with me… he said he does not feel fair because he could trust me after I explained it to him but why I don't…

 

In the beginning of the relationship, he told me he has cheated on his ex's but it was because his ex's had done it to him first… And he actually does not remember how many girls he has slept with as there were too many girls and one night stands…

 

We had a lovely Christmas together and he told me he loved me on New Year's Eve by text… I really do not know how to do now… I feel my heart is broken and hurting all the time and have no strength for whatever… Could not sleep or eat at all since yesterday…I just don't understand why people do cheating on their beloved and don't care at all!!!

 

I am really in love with him and deep down to my heart I want to carry on and have family with him eventually (and he said he feels the same) but I really can't believe what he says to me or trust him anymore... I even wonder if he has cheated on me in the past…

 

Am I mental? Is it my fault? Should I leave or stay? What was really going on? Should I meet that girl? How can I trust him again?

 

Any suggestions will be much appreciated as I am completely lost….

 

Sorry for the long post…

[WildChild]

I've said it before, and I will say it again: If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, quacks like a duck....it's a duck.

 

He may not have done anything with this girl physically or he may have, but my initial reaction is he is interested in her and is coming up with every reason in the book to make waves in your relationship to either a) end it with you, or b) justify his actions so later if and when he comes back to you he can say, "Well, we were fighting all of the time and not really seeing each other."

 

All of this is about him, and not you by what you've described. My thought is he is trying to make you look like a mental and non trusting just to help himself.

[Hope75]

If he has a history of cheating, and lied to you about why he could not meet you for lunch, it's no wonder you feel that you can't trust him-- I wouldn't either.

 

You can't force trust that isn't earned. Meeting the girl, what will that do for you?

[RayKay]

If it was all for business, why would he be so secretive about it?

 

My boyfriend has friends that are women, he does not hide it from me if he meets up with them.

 

In my experiences, those whom are guilty lie the most...and deny the most.

 

He has admitted he has cheated on all his ex's (whom did it first is no matter at all in my opinion, cheating is cheating). Why would he have changed if even when he admits it he had an "excuse" (they cheated on him first).

 

He is also turning the blame on you..another red flag. He DID lie to you. He said he could not go to lunch as he was busy with work. Not because he was meeting someone else. He cannot now say it's because you don't trust him, that's BS. And that is another thing cheaters say...they blame their partners for not "trusting them enough".

 

Combined with his wanting more space and less time with you, I would say that even if nothing HAS happened, he is pulling away from the relationship.

 

I do believe nothing has happened so far with this girl...but I think only because he got caught.

[AusTex]

Run.

 

Run as far away and as fast as you can.

[cf669]

Thanks a lot for all suggestions and supports!

 

Just a little update here,

 

He agreed that he should not have lied to me and would let me know by whatever happened. And I told him as long as he let me know, I do not mind if he wants to meet anyone for lunch as I can trust him if he is not hiding anything from me...

 

We had a wonderful weekend. However on the following Wednesday by going through his stuff in his office, I found out that he rang that girl to arrange to meet up two days before and he lied again to me that there was nothing happened on the same day! His excuse was that he knew I would be upset if he had told me that and so he rather lied to me to get the peace!

 

I did try to break off at that point of time...

 

I went back to him one day later as I am in love and hoping there was still a chance for our relationship... At least, I thought, he did not cheat and wanted to bring me to join them so that I can make a friend with her and maybe help her in some ways as she is new to research. (That girl and me are both doing PhD...)

 

Today I wanted to meet him for lunch but he said he couldn't as he had lots work... But eventually we met briefly and he said he was not quite happy with the relationship as he felt it is not right and does not like the restrictions from me.

 

I was soo pissed off and walked away as I am feeling he is pushing the boundaries further and further....

 

He sent an email after that saying he is sorry but he feels tremendous emotional pressure from me since he realized that I am checking up on him...

 

He is asking me for any solutions but meanwhile complaining that he does not want me to always tell him what he should do...

 

He is angry every time when I asked him any sensitive questions about the girl who he is trying to meet for lunch. His excuse is that he feels all the questions I asked will be repeated again and again….

I really do not know where the restrictions come from? I mean he is free to meet any one for lunch or drinks or any normal socializing as long as he does not hide them from me. It won’t be a big deal for me even he tells me that he fancies anyone but he will not approach it in reality... I am not asking for any extra rights as a normal girlfriend should have, but how come he is still not happy and feeling restricted??

[RayKay]

I think he may just feel restricted by the expectations, and the responsibilities of a relationship itself, not necessarily anything you are doing wrong. The fact is, if he does not FEEL like doing those things (like being honest!) he will feel restricted by the expecation he should be. I had an ex whom felt this way too, I could be as relaxed as could be about things, and he would still "feel" responsiblity and resent me for it, I could also be extremely relaxed about our future, and he would turn it on me for "pressuring him" to commit. He just saw things differently, and I realized one day we were really living in two different relationships even though it was one..lol.

 

He may also be looking for a reason to end things in a way, looking for "flaws" in the relationship

 

I still wonder why he is angry that you want to know whom this girl is...if you nag all the time that is one thing, but I wonder if his anger and "blame" on you is to cover for something he knows is wrong. If you have made it clear you are not angry he has female friends, you just want to have some honesty and respect, I just find it curious. Of course if it really was innocent, it might also just he may feel attacked.

 

Ugh....what is your gut feeling about it all?

[cf669]

Thank you, RayKay. Honestly I agree with you that he feels restricted from the expections as it was the reason he broke up with me once before. However, during those two weeks' off time, he realized he was in love with me and so we got back again since then... Also I think you are right about the reason of 'anger and blame' thing...

 

My gut feeling:

1) He is hiding something but maybe not for cheating on me

2) He likes that girl

3) He does not want to break up

4) He is lining up

[RayKay]

Thank you, RayKay. Honestly I agree with you that he feels restricted from the expections as it was the reason he broke up with me once before. However, during those two weeks' off time, he realized he was in love with me and so we got back again since then... Also I think you are right about the reason of 'anger and blame' thing...

 

My gut feeling:

1) He is hiding something but maybe not for cheating on me

2) He likes that girl

3) He does not want to break up

4) He is lining up

 

Ah, I had a similar experience with my ex and the breaking it off, then coming back again for same reasons....sigh.

 

I am not sure he has cheated either, but I do think you are correct he is attracted to her and is looking for potential there....the secrecy seems to indicate that, and I am somehow not sure he told her about you either.

 

I think your gut may be right, but I am not sure how you can make him "confess" to his motives when he is not wanting to. It all comes down to what choices YOU want to make about this.

[cf669]

What should I do with the trust issue.

 

The situation is as simple as this: I lost my trust and want to check up on him so that hopefully I will find my securities on him again. However, he feels restricted from the fact that I keep checking on him...

 

It really makes me feel bad in different ways that I can not feel secured after he lied to me...

 

Also he is always annoyed by my insecurities, which were caused by his lies, and does not seem to be willing and patient to earn it back by his ACTIONS instead of his words...

[cf669]

RayKay

 

Thanks again...

 

I think it will be easy for me to tell what is really going on in his mind once I meet that girl... And fingers cross it will help the situation eventually.... And also he is happy for me to do so and keeps saying that I will know for sure that he does not fancy her as she is not that great...

 

But once again he did say that he was not sure if he likes her when we were both calm...