Im "the guy in the relationship"

[lighthouse]

Hi everyone. I am 19 and my bf is 26. We have been together for about 9 months, and have been sleeping together for about 8. Frankly, we have sex a lot. It isnt the ONLY thing that we do, but we do it a lot. I initiate it a lot, but sometimes I honestly just go through the motions of being sexual, and not feel the desire. Even if Im not really "in the mood", I'll do it anyways. This is by my own doing, not his. I like to have sex with him because it makes me feel really close to him. However, the other night he told me he wasnt in the mood and it was like I was crushed. And he laughed and told me that he thinks I should be the guy in the relationship. Ive read places that if your boyfriend turns you down for sex, hes getting it somewhere else or hes going to dump you. I doubt any of those are true for him, but it worries me. I know he loves me and cares about me, and Ive never once found evidence of him cheating. He said that "people in relationships are allowed to say they dont want to do it tonight, it doesnt mean I dont think youre pretty anymore" But now Im all freaked out. Hes supposed to be up at 6am for work, and he did it with me tonight and now for the first time ever I feel guilty because I feel like I made him do it. But thers no way he would do it with me if he didnt want to. Ugh, I am just freaked out.

[teacup]

ur using sex as a way to win him and keep him.

 

that doesnt work. it doesnt keep a person.

[ilovecats]

I don't think that he is cheating on you.My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years now and he's turned me down for sex quite a bit.But I know that he is still sexually attracted to me and loves me.I don't think you have anything to worry about.

[romanticlover]

My gf says I initiate too much and don't go with the flow. Like I try to force it into something. This is causing her not to get into the mood hence our issues. I feel like i just need to lay there like a zombie in order to please her. Really getting 2 me.

[newts]

Ive read places that if your boyfriend turns you down for sex, hes getting it somewhere else or hes going to dump you. I doubt any of those are true for him, but it worries me.

 

Hmmm... Don't believe everything you read, sometimes people just aren't in the mood!! You have answered your own question in this post, you said you still do even if you don't feel like it. The more comfortable you get with someone the easier it is to communicate our true feelings, if he was not in the mood all the time, well then maybe your above quote would actually be accurate. Don't have sex if you don't feel like it, just say what your boyfriend said " I don't feel like it tonight". Don't use sex as a weapon to keep someone, whilst it is a very important part of any relationship, communication id far more important in a long term relationship.

 

Just chill out and enjoy your relationship.

[avman]

I agree with newts. Sometimes people just aren't in the mood. You mentioned that you feel sometimes you are just going through the motions. Every so often we have other things on our mind and sex just isn't something we feel like doing. That's not a bad thing, unless it starts happening all the time.

 

Enjoy your relationship. If you don't feel like sex, then cuddle instead and just enjoy the closeness. Talk about things if they bother you. Your boyfriend is right - just because he said he doesn't feel like sex does not mean he doesn't love and desire you.

[RayKay]

Men cannot be in the mood too. In my experiences, men can get even more stressed out, or tired, to point they just are not into it. And they are less likely to do it "just because" if they feel that way. They are less likely to go through the motions in my experience.

 

It does NOT mean he does not think you are attractive, sexy, hot, desirable and so forth. It's just he cannot get into it at that time.

 

Fine with me, I would rather my partner is INTO it, then just doing it because. While there are times one of you is not in it, but you do get into it, there are times it's nice to just cuddle up and sleep together if one of you is just too stressed and tired.

 

Now if he was NEVER in the mood that would be a different thing.

 

I worry though, you are using sex as a way to just "keep him around". It should be enjoyable and pleasurable for you both. If you are always just going through the motions, it takes away the enjoyment - and he can probably sense that. It weakens the bond in some ways. While sexual intimacy is important in a relationship, there also many other levels of intimacy that should not be ignored. It is not sex alone that improves your relationship and longevity together

 

How is the relationship otherwise?

[Day_Walker]

You have to understand he is his own person he obviously doesnt have a problem letting you know when he is not in the mood. He is able to make his own decisions so you shouldnt feel guilty.