Strict stepfather

[mgirl]

Just some history. It is late am i am tired, but this happened between the age of 8-19 years:

 

The problem is that my mum was quite irrational and often accused me of things i did not do, would blame for things that weren't even there (like certain attitudes, apparently i was beligerent and bold), and took all her anger over my father out on me. I spent endless nights alone in my bedroom, trying to avoid her, and when she married my stepfather, she seemed to forsake her relationship with my sister and i. She used to blame my sister and i for her not having a career and used to say she married my dad to 'get out of home'. I also used to have to listen to her rave about him endlessly and about how much she dispised him.

 

I know i was not perfect, but every time i tried to stand up to her, my stepfather would butt in, or she would defer all her authority to him. In a way i guess she hid behind him. No matter how much i tried to stand up for myself, he would pull me down with words, because i could never really understand what he was talking about.

 

As we speak, my mother is in a psychiatric care facility diagnosed with depression. It is quite odd, because she seems to change personalities a few times during each conversation. It is almost like when reality/things get too 'tough' for her, she hides behind this childish personia she has created for herself. I am quite (almost) happy to go and visit her, but selfishly, i worry about her moods and whether she will decide to flay me again for some imaginary reason. I have reached the stage where i am in no way prepared to be the brunt of her dissatisfaction with the world anymore and am quite prepared to forsake my relationship with her and my stepfather if need be, but i am hoping it will not get to that.

 

In most ways, my mother has avoided responsiblity, blaming everybody else for what has gone wrong with her life.

 

My stepfather recently got aggressive and dicatorial with my sister and i am worried he is going to continue to treat us this way, like he did when we were kids. I mean, we are too old for this. I think it's about time he started sorting things out in a rational humane way rather than pulling rank on us and speaking to us in this aggressive and inappropriate manner.

 

I am not prepared to take this and even though my mum is ill and probably drugged out, i still feel the need to defend myself if she has a go at me or throws condescending remarks my way. I also realise this is part of her illness, but even so, i have been the sponge for her anger and emotional mess ever since i was 8 years old and I am not going to take it again. If she thinks she can subtly manipulate me, then i will stand up for myself. Recently, my sister and i were visiting and she wouldn't even let us get excited. Every time we raised our voices a bit, she told us to "shoosh". I mean, we weren't even being that loud. It just seemed like another way she was quashing our voices. Also, my sister mentioned the word "lesbian" and she told us to "shoosh" again, because apparently some of the nurses there are gay. I mean, what is the big deal?

 

I really do not want to sound like an ungrateful child, but i am really just writing this pre-emptively i guess.

 

So, now i have to draw the line with my stepfather and deal with him if he tries to control me with aggression. It is time he respects me as an adult and as the daughter of the woman he married.

 

Anyway, i am sorry this is long and i do not want to sound ungrateful, but i want to save my self-esteem!

[Ms Omaniac]

well im surrrrre im going to get flack on this for my advice but im going to say it anyhoo. you may take it however you'd like it....just my opinion.

 

a while back....i was going through a rough patch in my life. some of my family members were bringing me down, my ex was torturing me by going in and out of my life and some of my friends were going through awful problems themselves.

 

i could barely cope with my own problems and depression.

 

i remember this piece of advice that helped me through it all. my friend, who has always been blunt to me...no matter what...even if he knew i didnt want to hear it...told me this. i agree with it....now...because he was right.

 

but to summarize what he said was that NO ONE IN THIS LIFE IS WORTH GETTING PSYCHO OVER. it didnt matter if it was your family member or friend or lover. if they get to a point where they only bring you down and cause you to go down with them then you have to cut them off and save yourself. save yourself. do NOT expect anyone to do this for you or even help you....you'll be stronger if you do it all by yourself.

 

he was having problems with his sister...she was bringing him waaay down to where she was feeling. so he cut ties with her. he eventually let her back in his life when she got her act together.

 

i did what he said. anyone in my life that i felt was holding me back from progressing....i cut. i wouldnt let them back till they were whole themselves. i did this because i just couldnt handle anyone's problems since i was having problems dealing with my own at the time.

 

NOW...im a lot better. and i do have friends around me that are going through a tough patch but i can handle it without it bringing me down. but i also know...im not clinically depressed anymore so i can handle stresses that i wasnt able to handle back then.

 

but if you arent doing so well mentally and you just cant handle anymore stresses...i say cut them out of your life and make yourself whole or let them back in when they wont bring you down.

 

my $.02

[BellaDonna]

i say cut them out of your life and make yourself whole or let them back in when they wont bring you down.

 

I agree. I coudln't tell for sure from your post...but I'm assuming you're 19 from the title?

 

How old is your sister? Do either of you live with your mtoher and stepdad?

 

The key is be totally independent from them so that YOU can pick and choose whether you feel like having them in your life.

 

 

BellaDonna