Married but we never had sex

[ksahara]

Hi There,

I am a 34 years old women married to a well educated man. This is our 6th anniversary. We never had sex in our life and I am still a virgin. This is an arrange marriage and he was the best person my parents wanted for me. His parents say I am pretty and he says the same. They all happy about us and think this is a perfect match. So we have a very good family background with good relationship with parents and relatives.

 

He is a very responsible man. He takes care of me very well. He never stays away from home without me. He calls me many times in between his work. He spends money for anything which I like. He cuddles me; kiss me a lot at home. But he never shows his love and respect in front of others. He is totally a different man in front of others. But I have seen that he respect other people very much. So they like him very much. He never introduces me for his friends saying I am his wife. This is very painful to me. He watches TV all day. He has no very close friends but maintain a lot of friends. He always remembers to keep a gap.

 

Now after 6 years, I am very tired in this marriage. I feel I am mentally ill. What should I do..........?

 

Thanks, sara

[RayKay]

Hi Sara,

 

I really feel for you, this is very hard, and I can only imagine.

 

Are you considering divorce, is that possible where you are located?

 

Sexual intimacy is important in a loving relationship, and marriage. Of course you feel tired and mentally exhausted, you are missing out on something very important for a fulfilling relationship. Sex is not everything, but that intimacy is important.

 

I worry even more that you says he does not love and respect you in front of others, is this a cultural thing perhaps? I am unsure.

 

I do not know if this is something that can be changed, it sounds like there is something big going on here, in that he is not attracted to you, or perhaps he is even not interested in women (just a possibility). Could you live like this forever?

 

Is it possible for you to go to counselling/therapy on your own, and maybe with him. I think you need to discuss these things and come to some sort of plan. I feel for you, big hugs.

 

RayKay

[Msnak]

Does this man ever want children? Sounds crazy, but maybe he doesn't. Maybe he isn't interested in women. Maybe he's asexual. Cheating. Not wanting sex with you. Has issues with women. I could go on.

 

Will he answer any honest question that you pose to him? If so, ask him. If not, would he try counseling with you?

 

If you're not feeling good about this relationship, it will influence bigger aspects of your life, it's best to try and do something about it.

[annie24]

Hi and welcome - oh, I am so sorry to hear about this. That sounds like a really rough situation. Have you ever asked him why he hasn't slept with you? Have you ever tried to initiate love making? What does he say to you?

[ksahara]

Thanks to you all,

I am from somewhere in rural south Asia. According to our culture, nobody accept the divorce. If I do so, I will be the first person who does it in our entire generation. It is a very big black mark for my family and they may not accept me for my entire life again.

 

This is the first time I am talking my matters with someone. These days I am trying to express my feelings towards him. Yesterday I wrote an email since he has no time to talk to me. I tried to ask him what has happened to our romance department. Following is the reply. Do you think this way is possible...?. (He always use some pet names for me and I do the same.)

 

"Babieee,

 

Ok bobi, let's talk.. I think there is nothing wrong.. It is just because my work needs a lot of attention so I have forgotten one side.

 

I agree that, yes, let's talk... I don't think this is a major problem.. I am sure we could talk and adjust our life the way we want..

 

It is great that you brought up this.. In fact I wanted to change for quite long time.. I just don't know where to start....

 

Bobiiieee.."

 

Sara

[melrich]

You have never had sex at all? How does he get his sexual release? and the same question another poster asked, does he have no interest in having children?

[RayKay]

Huh, he has forgotten 'one side' meaning your entire sexual relationship for 6 years?

 

I am concerned he also says "I don't think anything is wrong" which just shows me he sounds pretty willing to go along with it as is.

 

However, then he also says he wants to change....so I guess you should talk about it. However, I don't know, you can't just go from nothing to "passion" like that without a basis for it...so I am not sure how it will be "changed" or "adjusted".

 

What is sex to you? What does it mean for you? Is it for havig children, or is to explore that intimacy with your partner, and have a special relationship between the two of you? To share pleasure?

[ksahara]

Hi There,

 

It is nice question to ask.......He does it without my help but also not very often. He doesn't interest in children but says we should have them. But you know....he has to do a very big thing before that.....isn't it? I don't know, I really sick and tired.

 

Thanks, Sara

[RayKay]

Don't have kids with someone whom does not seem interested in them and only wants them as you should. You will feel even lonelier and more tired when you are the only one raising them emotionally.

 

While divorce is a black "mark" for you, is there an opportunity to perhaps leave and move elsewhere? You should not be 35 and feeling like you are 85 as I think you do in many ways right now.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Hi there. I am sorry to hear about your situation. A good long heart to heart talk is a start. But I am thinking that he is in the same situation as you are in, with the same exact feelings that you have.

 

Before I give my opinion, do you mind me asking how this marriage was arranged? Better yet, how long did you two know each other before you were arranged to be married? Was this marriage more of your family's decision than your own?

[DN]

The problem that a lot of us have is that we are from a western culture that doesn't really understand the concept of arranged marriages and the stigma that could come your way if you try and get a divorce.

 

Perhaps you need to seek counselling locally, who will understand the difficulties and may be able to offer a solution.

 

In some religions and cultures a marriage that is not consummated (there have been no sexual relations) may be annulled which is a different thing from a divorce. Maybe you could find out if that is an option for you that would not bear the same stigma as a divorce.

[melrich]

Yes that is very good advice DN. It would seem that there are cultural issues here that most of the members of eNotalone have little or no experience of. Is there anyone/place you could go to locally to discuss this problem with?

[ksahara]

Hi There,

 

I deeply appreciate to all of you spending time for me.

 

.......arrange marriages are our tradition. I had a boyfriend but unfortunately he got a cancer and died. So my parents arrange this through someone they know. It is different from western culture. Briefly the first step is both families find out each party's family background through relative or friends (There is a great disadvantage if someone divorce in the family). If it is acceptable, the guy comes with his family members to see the girl. When he comes to see me he had visited more than 10 families so he said I am the best women he met. So he really wanted me.

 

I didn't see anything wrong because he was very charming. He was working abroad so I haven't met him more than 3 times but we wrote to each other. We got married within 3 months from the first meeting.

 

So I really do not know whether I sexually interested to him.

 

Thanks, Sara

[RayKay]

ksahara,

 

Do you know of any marital counselling places where you live that could help?

 

It is true that many of us here don't come from a culture of arranged marriages, so our insight is limited (thank you though for explaining how it worked!) and I imagine that the expectations are very different too, when your marriage is arranged, rather then marrying for love for example.

 

He may think you are pretty, but he may not be attracted, or perhaps maybe he has no idea what to do either, or is asexual (not interested in sex), homosexual...there are many things which may only come out with further conversation or counselling.

 

Please let us know how your conversation with your husband goes and perhaps we may have some more possible insight.

[DN]

Do you know if he has had sexual relations with a woman in the past?

[ksahara]

Thanks RayKay,

 

Currently we are living in a western country. I am sure he is not homosexual because he has no partners. I have work with him in the same comany and same department within the last one and half years.

 

He every morning come to me and touch my whole body and kiss me when I am in the kitchen. But never do anything on the bed. May be he asexual.

 

I hate my culture. How to expect a good advise somone from it...?

 

Sara

[ksahara]

Hi DN,

 

Yes, He had a girlfirend when he was a teen boy. He said he hate her because she ugly.

 

Thanks, Sara

[DN]

It is possible that he doesn't like women in a sexual way. Have you considered that?

 

Edit after seeing your last post: maybe he is impotent and can't bring himself to admit it to you or himself.

[ksahara]

DN, It may possible.

 

I have no heart to leave him in a wickedly manner eventhough he hurt me.......hmmm....This is what God has given to me I think.

[HurtDude]

Tell us how the talk with him goes.

[Msnak]

Well, let's not doom it all. There is a chance that he is so comfortable with the way things have been, he doesn't want to risk changing them.

 

Do you feel brave enough to initiative physical touch? A little at a time? The email is a good start. Continue the discussion with him. Maybe try face-to-face talking.

 

It sounds as if he doesn't really make much time for you.

 

If divorce is not an option, don't let that destroy hope for change. Anything is possible, so don't give up. He sounds like he will need some persuasion.

 

Are there male friends of his that he might be influenced by?

 

It doesn't sound as if you have anyone to talk to about this. That's why the counseling idea might work, if it's something available in your culture.

 

Is he much older than you?

 

What are the characteristics about your husband that you like about him? Can you remind him verbally, with compliments, about these things you admire about him?

 

I heard someone say that if you want change in your relationship, you have to start it, not the other person. Even if the other person is at fault.

 

Hope this might help.

[ksahara]

I feel this as a very good encouragement. This is the way I wanted to work. But I felt guilty and thought I am too late

[Shadows Light]

Oh my... it does sound like you have your hands full.

 

It has been 6 years. I think you can try to be direct with him and talk about SEX and children.

 

Are you affiliated with a relgious belief??? A temple or church you go to? Would it be possible for you to talk to someone there? An elder of the temple... preferably a female who may relate better to your situation.

 

I don't know too many relgions that do not prescribe intimacy in marriage.

 

Have you confided to anyone else of your aquintance. A family member? Your mother? I'm sure that your mother expects grand-children and knows exactly how you came to be. I can not see how you would be held responsible if your husband is UNABLE to perform.

 

Have you seen your husband in his natural form? Everything is as it should be?

[DN]

DN, It may possible.

 

I have no heart to leave him in a wickedly manner eventhough he hurt me.......hmmm....This is what God has given to me I think.

 

I think you may like to check that belief out with one of God's representatives here on Earth. Maybe talk to a minister of your religion before you assume that is the case.

[Tigris]

I agree that you should talk to your Mother.

 

Maybe in your culture there's a ritual dance you are supposed to do for him to initiate things. Or maybe there's something his family were supposed to tell him and they haven't because they assumed he already knew?

 

Whatever the problem is I hope you solve it soon.

 

Good luck.