Meddlesome friend always down on my kids

[coollady1957]

I have a person that has been a great friend in most aspects. However this friend has never been a parent. Has no kids, and never been around the raising of kids. Yet she is a busy body with all kinds of unsolicitied advice being spewed from her mouth constantly.

 

Both my kids are now grown age 25 and 20. they both lead good lives, with full time jobs and taking care of themselves.

 

The 25 year old got her college education and went straight to work, my 20 year old goes to college, works full time and is in the US army national guard( now deployed ) . They come to me and ask my advice or opinions a lot on things they are doing in life.

 

I give my opinion when asked , but I do not expect them to do things my way all of the time. They support themselves fully and never ask me for support assistance. They are adults and take full responsiblity for themselves.

They will learn along the road of life and will learn from mistakes if they make wrong decisions.

 

My problem is that my friend is always , always down on my kids for their decisions. My friend thinks just because they ask me my advice or opinion that they should do what I say. And if my Adult kids do not take my advice, then my friend has the nerve to tell me that my kids dont care about me or what I think if they dont follow what my advice would be if it were me. This friend has never raised a child.

 

THis may seem petty, but its a constant thing with this friend , that every time something comes out about my kids, there is always something negative brought up about them. What do all of you think and how should i handle this.

 

I have asked my friend to keep their thoughts and comments on that to themselves but that doenst work.

[RayKay]

Knowing how great you are from your posts, I have no doubt your kids are great! Your kids know it too, which is why they ask for your advice....I am same way with my mom (and I have yet to ever meet anyone whom does not think my mother is great....actually I was at my doctor today whom is my mom's doctor too and he was saying she was such a "cool lady" - this from a sweet 50-something Chinese doctor.....

 

As for your friend...well, I think you need to be VERY clear on your boundaries when it comes to this. Let her know you love your children, are very proud of them, and are thrilled they are productive, happy adults. And you will no longer listen to her opinions on how they are living their lives.

 

Now, if she is a true friend, I think she will respect that and understand...if not, or she contiues to do it, perhaps wonder if she is a friend to you really?

 

They are coming to you for advice, not a "cure" from you, and I am sure they take what you say into consideration and make their own decisions with that and other information. That is a good sign you have raised them right in my opinion! Sure they will make mistakes, but that is part of life as well. And if she cannot see that, it is no bearing on you or your children.

[coollady1957]

It seems useless with this friend when i tell her there is a boundry that she shouldnt cross ,on speaking about my kids. She has never been a parent, and i suggested that maybe because of that , that she should keep her opinions about my children to herself. Its beginning to cause me not to want to be around her because of all the negativity she has about my children. I just dont understand why she has the need to be this way.

[coollady1957]

Maybe i should pay attention to my own signature lines in red at the bottom of each of my posts Seems like that could be my advice in a nutshell.

[RayKay]

Maybe i should pay attention to my own signature lines in red at the bottom of each of my posts Seems like that could be my advice in a nutshell.

 

Agreed!!! I guess it is true, we always have the answer even if we can't see it right away

[Dako]

That has to drive you nuts, especially when it's obvious you've done well.

Some people lack an edit function. Every thought becomes a sound.

 

I make it a point to keep my mouth shut about kids, since I never had them. I've been known to leave the room when the subject arises.

The one time I slipped will never be forgotten. I told my brother he should talk to his 16 year old who was having problems. I was told to butt out.

Since my brother had until then never talked to his son, I felt justified.

He avoided me for almost 20 years after that.

 

He's a bit touchy.

[DN]

Some friends think they are doing you a favour by giving their opinions even if they don't have a clue what they are talking about. When my daughters were small some people would say "Oh, you are so lucky having such well-behaved children" and we used to think, and sometimes say: "Luck had absolutely nothing to do with it - it has more to do with hard work!!"

 

Speaking bluntly might work - next time she starts in try saying "I will not listen to criticism of my kids. Isn't it nice weather we are having?"

[melrich]

Is this a really close friend. Is she close to your kids? Is she close to any other kids?

 

It's possible, as she has no kids of her own, that she is trying to parent through you. Do you suspect that she is lonely at all? You see this quite often, people who assume their role in your life is far greater that you would see their role in your life. She is frustrated that you are not parenting in the way she would parent and she has assumed (subconsciously) that she has a right to be vocal about where it is you are going wrong.

 

First the problem is hers, not yours. If I am right, she is very lonely and wants involvement/ to feel part of a family environment and I am sure she is not doing this maliciously, she just can't help herself.

 

At the end of the day you have to decide how much you are willing to put up with.

[coollady1957]

THis person and I became friends about 2 years ago. My kids are grown and out on their own so she is not close to my kids. She has been around them on some occasions when my kids were here visiting. As far as her having been around any ones kid for any length of time, from what i know of, she has not been around kids of any one much at all. She does seem to be a lonely person in a sense. But i try to include her in things we can do , such as shopping, going out for something to eat, going to a movie, talking about our BF's or EX bf's, because i do see that at times she is lonely.

But her constant negativity about my kids is getting old. I have asked her nicely to "let up" about it, and i have gotten blunt and firm and TOLD her she was crossing a boundry and that she needed to stop on my kids. ITs like talking to the wind , to get her to understand this. I am proud of my kids, they have made great lives for themselves, taking responsiblity for themselves and their choices in life. Neither of them have ever been in trouble. However i am sure they have made some choices that were not the right ones in the long run. I am not a meddlesome mom, that tries to control my adult kids lives , nor do i demand they follow My choices, or my opinion and advice. They come to me to me often for thoughts and opinions, i give them, and then feel certain they will weigh both sides of things before they make their decisions in life. THey will grow and learn by this, but my friend just doesnt see it this way. She seems to think that if they ask my advice, and i give it, that they should DO EXACTLY as mom would have. THen she proceeds to say "well if they ask your opinion and then they do things differently, then they dont love or respect you". I tell her that is an unfair thing for her to say about them. I am just getting frustrated to no end over this. She doenst hear a word i say when i ask and then TELL her to stop this. She is not so vocal about other things , only on my kids. I havent for the life of my figured out why.

[RayKay]

It is odd, I wonder too if she just feels she has a right to. It's often those without children whom think they know how it should be - easy to do when you are on the outside. Those with, just sigh and nod in that understanding, empathetic way!

 

Honestly, if you have told her how you feel, you have limited choices left. Next time she does it, tell her it is honestly none of her business and change the subject and never bring up your kids with her. Or two, just consider she may not be the greatest of friends if she cannot respect your wishes and limit contact with her.

 

How boring would we as people be if we always did and felt EXACTLY what our parents told us. That and we would be also still stuck in the dark ages with some very backwards thinking. As said before, it's a great sign you have raised intelligent, productive adults if they can make their own decisions based on a variety of sources.

[Dako]

My cousin always did exactly waht he was told , like a good boy.

He lives in a house with over 30 cats, and his elderly mother does his laundry each week. He is 52.

[coollady1957]

Yes i have told her so so many times how i feel about her saying the things she does about the kids. You are right, i may just have to limit my time with her. Whenever i do change the subject with her, and tell her its none of her business, within 5 minutes time she is right back on the kids again. So yes i guess i have to look at this and make a choice to limit my time around her or cut it off all together. The confusing part is why does she focus on the kids so much. I might could understand if they were bums, and low lifes and didnt lead productive lives, then i could possible see how a friend could have great concern. But this is not the ase here. its seems she wants to make me feel the kids dont love me or respect me , which is not the case either. I have no doubts about how my kids feel about me, and nothing she can say will ever change that. I am wondering if she could be jealous of me and my kids and the great adult relationship that i have with them, and some how she wants to do her best to destroy what i have with them or at least put doubts in my head. but that part will never happen.

[Dako]

If your kids were failures, there'd be even more reason for her to butt out.

My poor mother had nosey "friends" blaming her for the way us kids turned out. She cried a lot.

 

I hope you can lose this friend, but I understand sometimes that's difficult.

[DN]

Perhaps you need to tell her that if she continues to act like this you will end the friendship. Say it very firmly and make sure she understands that you mean it.

[krissbrown]

She sounds jealous of you and jealous that your kids are successful. Maybe one of these bitter women who never had children but wanted to and now is jealous of anyones happiness.

Lessen the contact with her and NEVER let her talk bad about your kids.

I notice though if your kids who are successful, people get jealous and try to find faults. Like I am 29 and graduated college, good school, etc My moms friends keep saying "oh when will she marry", "oh shell never make it in design its too hard", etc.