Ex contacts me out of the blue, 3 weeks NC

[Lion-Guy]

I got an e-mail for her today: "How are you? How is your family, friends, school? What are you doing for your bday"

 

It has been 3 weeks since last contact (which was a merry xmas note) and 3 months since we broke up.

 

How do I respond? Or do I respond at all?

 

I miss her a ton and still think about her a lot. No contact was tough at first but the longer I went the better I felt about it. It made me feel like I had some power over this breakup. I feel like it would be somewhat of a waste to break it now and satisfy her needs to know how I am. (I can't handle being just a friend to her)

 

On the other hand, I want to be the better person and if that requires sucking up my pride, so be it.

 

Please help!!!

[pos69sum]

i'd just do a quick note:

 

'i'm doing ok, family is fine. hope you are well. i have plans on my bday.'

 

then back to nc.

[SuperDuper]

I agree.

But - only do this if you feel it won't break down everything you've worked towards.

 

If you feel that small chat will rekindle your feelings for her.. don't do it.

 

Believe me, if you're expecting something to come out of small signs, chances are it turns out to be nothing at all.. and you're left at square 1 once again.

 

Only do it after you think long and hard about what you want to do.

[ocrob]

My ex contacted me on my birthday after NC for a month. I did not respond. I thought that the NC was doing me good and did not want to slip.

[pos69sum]

mine im'd me a couple of times, made me break down and contact her.

 

i regretted it. nc 4 life, dawg.

[Dannysgirl]

I wouldn't bother responding. Stick to NC its the best way. I take it she was the dumpee? If so what right does she have to be emailing you?

If she is insistent I would respond by saying;

 

'I would be obliged if you could refrain from contacting me at this time. I don't need any contact with you at the moment as I am trying to heal from this break up.'

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

If I was you, I wouldn't respond. I was in the same spot you're in a year ago. I started NC for my own good, but I'd still get e-mails every once and a while asking how I was. I answered them and brought my healing crashing to a halt and regressing farther.

 

A good rule is, only break NC if you can talk to them without caring if they'll ever come back. I live by the rule now. The exception being if they contact you because they want to come back.

[GettingOverIt]

It's weird but my 'exgf' wrote me today, too... Something in the water, I guess... Anyway, I opted to reply something short, and forced myself to keep it as aloof as possible. Here's a weird result of her contacting and my replying: I always wondered what would happen if she wrote. Now I know. I can truly say that if I never hear from her again, I would be okay. I wasn't always sure of that until today...

 

My advice is the short reply, as long as you can handle it, and as long as you do not believe it will set off anything deeper than that on EITHER side of the coin.... Say you are doing fine, the family is doing well, and that you have b-day plans. (Do not be specific, and say it even if you DONT have plans....).

 

My 2 cents... (which you can't even add to the 'old' 37-cent stamps to pay your bill....)

[Lion-Guy]

Thank you all for your advice. I can’t decide. I guess I need to think about it for a bit. I really want to stick with NC, but at the same time a simple and vague reply shouldn’t do much harm. You all make valid points. She specifically asked what I am doing for my bday but I won’t tell her even though I do have fun and exciting plans.

 

 

But you say “unless they contact you to come back”- Lonelyinasmalltown. How do I know when they are interested in trying again? I feel like most dumpees would be too embarrassed and ashamed to come out and say that. She told me when we broke up that if I ever wanted to another chance, that she I we would have to stay in contact. Does that sound like a lie?

 

I have improved myself a ton since our breakup. Not that I was a slouch or anything before, but I am kicking * * * at school, I have a new set of friends, I am in excellent physical shape. But I feel like there is no way for her to be attracted to me again since she never gets to see me or my improved self. Maybe I am just giving myself false hopes.

[SuperDuper]

Don't give yourself any hope, and don't expect a single thing.

I am not saying this just for your situation.. this is what NEEDS to be done in order to make positive progress.

 

If you linger on, and worry about how she thinks, what she thinks, why she thinks that way.. and so on.. you're not living your life.. but you're trying to live hers, in a way.

 

It sounds you have your life totally figured out (outside of her).. I am still unsure of who broke up with who though.

 

If she broke up with you.. she has to say "I want you back - let's try again".. anything else shouldn't be contemplated.

 

If you broke up with her.. it really wouldn't make sense.. seeing how you always think about her.. so I'm guessing you were the victim As was I.

 

I say remain with NC... although she may feel you're ignoring her. The thing is, it's not about how she feels right now, it's about you.. think of your actions, and not her reactions.

[Lion-Guy]

Ok you are right. I need to not expect anything from this girl. And live my life. The less I see, hear, read of her the better. Myspace is my Achilles’ heal right now.

 

Yes she broke up with me. She asked for a break, a week later I told her its over. (it was more of a bluff because I didn't want to be strung along).

 

She started to hangout with new friends from work (mostly men). Told me I didn't make her my #1 priority. Honestly she was tied for #1 with grad school. A man's got to go to school to make a living these days. I am glad I didn't make her #1 or I wouldn't have a career to fall back on. But I did treat her well and spent all my free time with her.

 

I thought I had my life figured out. I have money, a nice car, nice place to live, a few good friends and lots of free time, but honestly all that stuff is worthless without someone to enjoy it with.

 

She on the other hand was a bit lost and didn't know what she wanted to do and still doesn't. Instead she through away the one thing that was figured out in her life. And here I am now.

[friscodj]

Stick with MC. My $0.02.

[Lady Bugg]

hey Lion Guy..I know a guy who is a comedian...he posted a joke about My Space.........

 

OK, so I used to be on friendster, and that was fine, until myspace came along, and so I switched on over. But I still keep getting emails from friendster, "Hey, it's friendster...you've got a birthday...we've got new bulletin boards.. come on over."

Friendster is like that annoying ex who can't except the relationship is over, you know? It's like,

"Hey, we had some good times, but it's over. I've moved on, and so should you. Look...we'll always be friendsters, but now I need my space."

 

LOL..I guess it probably sounds funnier in person....

just thought you could relate to this.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

 

But you say "unless they contact you to come back"- Lonelyinasmalltown. How do I know when they are interested in trying again? I feel like most dumpees would be too embarrassed and ashamed to come out and say that. She told me when we broke up that if I ever wanted to another chance, that she I we would have to stay in contact. Does that sound like a lie?

 

 

To answer your question. What I meant by that is if they specifically ask that they want you to take them back. The ex has contacted me several times since our breakup in October 2004. Everytime she says that she misses me and not a day goes by that she wonders if she made the right decision. She's never said anything about wanting to come back though. In all honesty, if she did, I'm still not sure what I'd say. I still love her and want good things for her, but I know she's left me twice now, so what's to stop her from doing it again. Until the dumpee takes the risk of putting themselves out there to come back, you can't know that you have a real chance. If you're the one who tries to get back with them, you're showing your partner that they can do it again and you'll always take them back. At least in my experience.

 

These days if I'm dumped I tell them that I care for them and if they want to try again, they know where to find me. If they don't want to try again, then I wish them a long, happy life and hope that they find what they're looking for.

 

Then I go to immediate NC and do my grieving so I can heal, pick myself up, and try again.

[friscodj]

YES!

 

My last g/f said the exact same things to me, breaking up with me every 2-3 months over a 1.5 year period and each time I heard those words and ran back to her (literally at times). I think now that she was trying to manipulate the situation, get to me and ask for me back without actually saying ti outright. It worked...

 

Things were good for a couple weeks, then back to the way they were before, and we'd breakup again.

 

But I needed to learn this lesson firsthand, I needed to experience the new levels of selflessness and survive the loss of dignity and blows to my self-esteem "in the name of love" to realize the situation was whacked and this girl needs a therapist, not a b/f.

 

You're exactly right: this situation sets a dangerous precedent for him/her to use a breakup as a forceful tool to get what they want, knowing you'll come back to them a broken person. It boosts their self-esteem and confuses them into think, "Wow, this is really true love" when it is really feelings of lonliness, detachment, and grief which look like love.

 

Everybody wants to believe in the fairy tale, and that belief fuels irrational thinking and hasty decisions when it comes to relationships.

[Lion-Guy]

Ya I see what you guys are saying. She has not said anything close that make me believe she wants to try things again. I know it very difficult reconcile things after one's heart has been broken, but it sucks not even be given get a chance or option to try things again. So much for second chances in life.

 

You guys seem to have it all figured out. Break-up, wish them well, grieve, and move on.

 

This is the first real break-up for me and it seems to have thrown a big wrench into my plans for life. After 3 years with this girl, I thought I had everything figured out. The entire process has been quite a learning experience.

 

BTW friscodj how long would you two be apart before trying things again? Did you hold NC during those times?

 

I am impressed with how articulate people are on this site.

[healinginnyc81]

LionGuy, we all have it figured out in our heads, it's just our hearts that refuse to follow.

 

I just had my first long term relationship with plans of moving in together, marriage, kids, etc. - we got job offers with the same company in ny and we had even started figuring out how we would handle our money for the first year - and it all ended after three years.

 

So I know what you're feeling. All those hopes and dreams shattered. We'll get through this in time. I want to believe that I will find a better relationship soon, but right now I want to work on making sure I can enjoy life alone until that relationship comes along.