My Heart Is In A Million Pieces

[Crystal1607306438]

Okay, this is a long one so I hope it all fits.

Almost 2 years ago, I met the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with... we were both 21. From almost day 1, I knew that he was planning to move back to his home state which was 600 or so miles away in order to pursue his dreams of becoming a famous musician. We spent almost every single day together for the 3 months we'd known each other. We even lost our virginity to each other. His mother isn't a very nice person, so I always felt very protective of him, and he with me (he to this day puts his arm in front of me when we cross the street). He also is on medication for panic attacks and depression. I cried and cried so much, my heart hurt so bad that he was leaving. But he was sweet and told me that he loved me. Even after he left, he went to the library and sent some emails saying how much he missed and loved me. A couple of months after he left, he stopped taking his medication and ended up spending some time in a mental hospital. After he got out, he visited me a couple of days later, but never said "I love you" again. In person he's sweet, but on the phone he's distant. I didn't see him in person again until April & it was wonderful. Then, he came down again in July. A week later, he invited me up to visit him for a week... and I can honestly say that I had the best time of my life that week. In August, I said that I'd like to move up there & he was like "I don't think that's a good idea" and on and on. Sometime during his time up there, he'd gotten a girlfriend but he said that it didn't work out. I wrote some letters to him saying my plans to go to school up there and the next phone conversation he was okay with me going up there. He was concerned about if I'd have enough money and such but he seemed ok with it. I arrived in his town on Oct. 17 and he met me at the train station and we went back to his house. It was awkward at first, but within about a half hour or so, we were in his bedroom and it was like old times again. I had gotten sick from the bus, so he let me sleep in his bed while he went out and did the things he had to do that day. We went to the apt I was supposed to live in & it was pretty bad so he was like "you're not staying here"... so I ended up spending the night at his house. I went to the apt the next night and stayed for 2 days. Afterwhich, I moved in a nice house that was really close to him. I was really stressed out about the move and all the money I'd lost, so I managed to spend the night with him again on Monday night. I left in the morning so he could go to work. On Wednesday, I was in a happy mood so I decided to call and leave a dirty message on his voice mail, but for some odd reason he picked up the phone & I told him what I called for and he said "I don't think we should have sex anymore." So I got upset and went to his house & asked if he thought I should go back home (back 12 hours away) and he said yes. I called my mom and told her I wanted to come home & that's he would help me get to the bus tomorrow. He talked to my mom, but did so in a different room. He says that he told her that he thought it was best if i was home right now and that she shouldn't make me feel any worse that i already do... which is what she told me he said at first. For whatever reason, she drove up there to pick me up. I guess to make sure I'd actually leave. I'm not sure if he did it on purpose or not, but I ended up having to meet my mom alone... it was either he let time slip away, he thinking it'd be easier, or he afraid of her. We got back on Friday and almost immediately she started in on me about him (which she's yelled at me alot about him since the beginning). This time saying that he said on the phone that I had no place in his life, which he denies ever saying. She also all of a sudden said that he used to call her before he ever moved, he denies this. She keeps on me like telling me I'm an idiot for going that it's over he's not gonna call, not gonna visit... saying the complete opposite of everything he told me right before I left. She calls him trash and worthless. He says I need to work on me, but that we'll always be friends no matter what. It feels like she's trying to make me hate him. She says "you can talk about him all you want" then later that day goes "he doesn't exist to me"... and so on. My hearts in a million pieces right now and I'm being torn every which-way. I don't know what to think or do. All I can feel like is that I've really really messed everything up. If anyone can at least talk to me I'd be grateful.

[Shy_Guy]

First things first. I don't think there is anything that *YOU* are doing that is causing all this commotion, other than his mother having issues with him showing any attention to anyone but her. Not that these things are hereditary, but she herself is showing signs of some serious type of instability, and I think probably has for all your boyfriends life. I'm guessing that it's *HER* problems that have caused much of your boyfriends grief, finally culminating in his own problems manifesting themselves. If you and he are really meant to be, you need to find some method of being able to communicate with him that isn't subject to being intercepted by his mother. I'd suggest you and he work TOGETHER to try and solve the riddle that is his mother through seeking professional help. It sounds as though there is either a bi-polar, or possibly schizophrenic component lurking in there. All the years of dealing with it have probably left the boyfriend so tired, and emotionially drained. I'll bet if you ask him what he's feeling most days, he'd tell you he was totally numb.

 

As for you, this is one of those life-defining situations that will pretty well spell out what type of person you are, or wish to be. Are you able to look beyond yourself, deal with these adversities, or do you need to run away? I won't condemn either choice, because only *YOU* know what your own limits are. It's quite possible that in this place and time in your life, you are simply not equipped to handle a ride to hell and back right now. You'll need to deeply search your own soul. If you decide to stick it out, hopefully you'll have the mettle to see things through, and not bail out when things get bumpier.

 

 

Sorry for the hard advice - but the choice is yours - is *HE* worth it? Are *YOU*?

[FerrisBueller2000]

Sorry to hear things aren't working out exactly as you would have liked .

 

 

(or terrible for that matter)

 

 

 

Anyhow,

 

I just came to the realization of something recently..

 

 

One sided love is like trying to climb a ladder , with nothing to lean it against.

 

 

 

 

 

and secondly,

 

 

 

I have to balance my love of someone against whether or not the way they treat me allows me to respect myself or not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I do need my self respect at ALL costs.

 

 

 

 

 

thats the breaking point for me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

As long as i gave %100 and tried my best , put pride aside, and persevered when others would quit; i can feel good about myself.

 

 

And if i have to say goodbye to a love because i lost respect for myself , then so be it.