Where is the romance?

[syvina]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months now - and that includes being intimate. This is unlike any relationship I have ever had... He is the greatest partner I have ever had in terms of his actions of kindness, but I feel a lack of passion coming from him. It is as if he will only feel so much and then slams the door on his emotions to keep them from "getting out of control" as he puts it.

 

I have been trying to be patient and give him every reason to feel safe and comfortable in my arms, but I cannot heal past wounds. He had a girlfriend 9 years ago who tore apart his heart... I am trying to be understanding, but at a certain point should I not realize that he may never fall head over heals for me the way that I want him to?

 

I want out of control emotions, giving and sharing all over the place, and a safe haven to share my own love. I feel like he may never allow himself to truly fall for me. Or, it could just be me. I have had several conversations with him about emotions and letting go, but maybe he is just not ready. I always promised myself that I would not be with the man that could not verbalize and act in his heart... I fear he may never come around.

 

In my ideal relationship, I would be showered with love and compliments - I would talk to my SO daily, and I would feel totally out of control and exillerated. With him, I feel close then distant... we'll see eachother on the weekends and then barely talk during the week. I want more than this - I want more romance. What should I do?

[RayKay]

You should either accept this is the way he is and live with it, or you should decide your are incompatible in this area and he will not be able to give you what you are looking for and you should consider moving on

 

This may be just the way he always has been. Or he may be punishing in some way you, and himself, for what happened before. But that is just silly...many of have been hurt before, heartbroken, dragged through the mud....if he is still torn up 9 years later, I would question whether this is the man for you....be it true or an excuse, either way it's not fair to you. You are not his ex, and there is no way you should feel you are living in her shadow.

 

There are people out there whom will be more compatible, and giving, if that is what you desire and need.

 

If you made a promise to yourself, you are only going to hurt yourself by breaking it in the long run.

 

I can't tell you what to do....follow your heart, but don't ignore your gut either.

[Scout]

Hmmm...I'm a little struck by your comments that you want an "out of control" component to your romance. May I gently point something out? Passion comes with a price: like a raging fire, it can just as quickly extinguish itself out. A good, steady flame, on the other hand, won't.

 

But, I'm not necessarily saying your current boyfriend is a steady flame. It does seem he and you want different, conflicting things in your relationship, including time spent together and how you communicate with each other. These are two critical components of a relationship that really should be in harmony together.

 

I don't think that patience and coaxing him to show his feelings is going to get you what you need in this relationship. Perhaps a little less pressure might, though. Guys tend to give us more when we don't overwhelm them with hard-to-achieve expectations. You could try that approach for a couple of months and see if it works. It very well may, if you are consistent. Have you ever heard the expression "Sometimes, when we get what we need, we find we don't need it after all?"

 

Of course, if after a couple of months, things still seem unhappily lopsided, you might want to consider this isn't the right relationship for you. But don't despair - there is someone out there for everyone, when we really look for the right people.

[DN]

He is the greatest partner I have ever had in terms of his actions of kindness,

 

I want out of control emotions

 

Assuming you could only have one of these in any partner, which one do you think would sustain a relationship the longest?

 

Kindness is the greatest human quality for it guarantees all the others. To show kindness to people is to show love, to show it consistently to one person is the best expression of love there can be. It is a sort of passion, in and of itself, it is just expressed in a different way.

 

Don't mistake a lack of the outward displays of passion for lack of passion itself. Still waters run deep.

[syvina]

I just feel like he should be in love with me, and he according to his words is not... according to his actions --- does. I spent Thanksgiving down south with his family, we spend every weekend together, etc. I just want to feel more secure with him, and I don't. I have never had a relationship where I have questioned my mans love for me. I don't want passion that goes beyond the realm of sanity... I want emotion filled love that lifts the soul to higher levels... I have felt this before and fear I do not feel it with him because I fear he does not and will not ever love me. What if I am just a girl he deeply cares about? I want to be more than that...

[melrich]

Maybe this guy just does not overtly show his emotions (isn't that all men I hear you say). I mean it's a bit like saying "I want a guy who makes me laugh out loud" but dating someone with no sense of humor. People can't just morph into something that they are not.

 

I'd go with RayKay on this one, maybe he is not as compatible as you think he is if this is so important to you.

[DN]

I want emotion filled love that lifts the soul to higher levels

 

With great respect that is very poetic but also not very realistic. And even if it were, the sort of relationship based on a concept like that rarely lasts because it is not sustainable over the long haul.

 

Many marriages fail because people think they are missing that sort of thing from their lives and they leave a good, loving and kind partner for a fantasy.

 

There is romance in so many aspects of someone's personality if you care to look for it, the most mundane things can lift your soul if you only realise how precious they can be.

[novaseeker]

I agree with DN.

 

I'd try to focus on what this person really feels about you, rather than whether it is a whirlwind. The whirlwind doesn't last ... certainly not over the course of years. That doesn't mean no romance .. romance over the longer term is about staying focused on your partner and doing the little, very little, thoughful things that say "love" .. but not a whilrlwind. I also agree with DN that many long term relationships and marriages fail because people think that if it isn't a whirlwind, over the top superduper emotional high, it's not the "right" relationship, and it's time to move on ... which isn't really the right criterion to be using.

[Scout]

I agree with DN.

 

I'd try to focus on what this person really feels about you, rather than whether it is a whirlwind. The whirlwind doesn't last ... certainly not over the course of years. That doesn't mean no romance .. romance over the longer term is about staying focused on your partner and doing the little, very little, thoughful things that say "love" .. but not a whilrlwind.

 

This is true, but it sounds like she never even had the uplifting romantic part to begin with, and isn't that usually supposed to be around at least in the beginning?

[DN]

This is true, but it sounds like she never even had the uplifting romantic part to begin with, and isn't that usually supposed to be around at least in the beginning?

Some people, and not just men, just can't do the uplifting romantic part.

 

Sometimes it's a question of scale. One person may have no difficulty doing the most romantic things imaginable so doing something a little romantic is no big deal for them. For someone else, to give a compliment may be the hardest thing they have ever done, but they stammer one out anyway, sounding awkward and knowing it sounds dumb. But who has made the greater effort and the greater sacrifice? Which is truly the most romantic?