To love life and yet wish to not live....

[darkpumpkin]

Hi guys. I don't know what's going on with me lately I feel like I just don't want to live. I'm not depressed in the sense that I feel I have nothing to live for I'm just not wanting to wake up in the moring. That bad isn't that bad and the good is good but I just don't want to feel any of it. I've tried getting out of this funk. At times I thought if only I had my ex back I would feel so much better but that's utterly not true, I go to school have a wonderful group of friends, I know I can be desired and attracted to the opposite sex, I have an amazing family and life ahead of me.

 

There's this ball in my chest and it's like it's going to take over me, consume me and I'm going to just break down and be miserable forever. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this way but I would really appriciate if anyone could tell me what maybe I could do to change. Life is wonderful even for it's pitfalls I just can't seem to want to do it anymore.

[Ms Omaniac]

dark pumpkin

i dont know youre whole situation but it sounds like you have dysthymic disorder which is a chronic depression but is also more mild than a major depression.

you might want to read up on it.

 

 

 

take care.

[lgirl]

darkpumpkin - if you find out, let me know! i feel the same except i can't see a purpose to life...

 

Ms Omaniac - thank you for posting that site!! i just printed a whole lot of info from it. think dysthymic disorder sounds like the depression i'm suffering with (since the bitter break-up with my ex). anyhoo, fingers crossed it does me some good. thanks again!!

[Dako]

Darkpumpkin,

You're not alone at all.

 

My pleasures are kite flying and backpacking, both activities that remind me of the powers of nature. I love living, and enjoy good health, fine friends and a few good family members.

 

I'm also coping with heartbreak that should be gone by now, but it also sits there in my chest. Last night as I drove home from work, Having barely missed being nailed by a massive layoff, I was really feeling empty, and kept telling myself my life is over, I'm tired of living and all the usual stuff.

 

I'm very familiar with what ails me. I have a shrink who's gone over it all with me and there's little mystery about how to cope with it.

 

I got home, poured a drink and had a great evening chatting and joking with my room mate. In no time I was back to feeling again. Later I responded to a very touching post here and went to bed.

 

Don't lose faith in what the future may hold. Life isn't guaranteed.

I keep feeling like I'm crossing a wide stream on little rocks that keep appearing where most needed. So far, they're always there.

 

You have a lot of great experiences ahead of you.

[Ms Omaniac]

lgirl

youre welcome.

i remember when i started seeing my therapist and she told me that i had an anxiety disorder. i then read up on all the material that i could find so that i could understand why i felt the way i did. it helps me to better understand me and makes me feel not so different.

[lgirl]

Ms Omaniac - have read thru some of the stuff on that depression site and it was really relevant. how does yr therapist help you? i have thought about getting therapy, but am put off by the fact it's hard to find a good one + i don't want to end up just hearing the sound of my own voice as i list all my 'problems'; feel like it might make me feel worse...

[Ms Omaniac]

i saw a therapist years ago when the love of my life dumped me and i didnt know how to cope. id had other bf's before. but id NEVER had a break-up like that that tore through me.

i had to see her because i was institutionalized for trying to end my life. i took several bottles of pills because i just couldnt cope.

but she helped me see that i was dependent on my bf. and she showed me how i was dependent because i slowly developed social anxiety disorder that runs in my family.

i read up on it and it was like reading a text that described me. from being easily jumpy to grinding my teeth at night to being dependent on one person to not wanting to be around others to making plans and having all the intentions of going but then not going in the last minute because you JUST CANT.

but i found out that learning about my disorder was the first step to conquering it. i read tons of books from textbooks to the internet to talking to fellow people that suffered through what i did to reading testimonials. it made me feel so not alone. it made me feel like i wasnt a freak. i slowly became stronger because i was finally getting control of my life again.

i no longer see a therapist. i no longer take medication. im not 100% but i am a LOT better. i sometimes get a lil anxious over lil things but it also passes.

but what ive found out is by learning what holds you back leads you to find ways also to try and overcome it. different people have different methods that worked for them. and what you need to find out is what works for you.

and trust me on this....do not rely on one person to help you through this. this leads to a dependency on that person. do this on your own. rely on you. this makes YOU so much stronger than you can possibly imagine because youre the one in control and you didnt give someone else the reigns.

[Dako]

Ms Omaniac,

 

I totally agree with the advice you're giving.

 

I also went through some dark times when my wife left, and ended up in a psych ward. One of the conditions of release was a appointment with a therapist.

In my case, I felt he had nothing to offer me. He spoke in theory as if he understood what was happening, but seemed to be faking it. It was like talking to a child.

I did get help from people who shared my experiences and could speak with authority about the process of healing. That helped immensely.

 

I once attended group sessions for depression. After a few weekly chats with severely impaired people I concluded they were depressing me. My shrink told me he expected that to happen.

 

Perhaps a different therapist, group or other method would have helped me, so it may be worth shopping around.

 

I'm not trying to knock therapy, just urging caution in choosing who you trust to tinker with your head.

[lgirl]

thanks you guys - those are VERY helpful tips. think i'm gonna spend more time reading up on stuff. just reading articles on the net and getting advice from this forum has already given me some clarity regarding the issues the bitter break-up triggered - realise after reading that depression site Ms Omaniac, that the 'break-up' (i should call it the 'smash-up'!!) has triggered my 'core wounds' (arrghh) and i can finally see the 2 main wounds/issues that my ex so painfully triggered and that in fact they have plagued me all my life. am hoping that by recognising that fact + trying to resolve them will be the first step in freeing myself (just need to get over the depression first. sheesh). anyhoo, thanks for indirectly helping me get this clarity. i have felt suicidal at times over it.

[White_Kimono]

I Know Excatly how you feel, I have a Life that has many perks to it, i have friends, nothing really bad has happened to me

but i just wish never to wake up again, i just feel depressed all the time.

I'm to afraid to kill myself so i just live with this depression that effects everyone else

[talo]

...I'm just not wanting to wake up in the morning...

...I just don't want to feel any of it...

...I just can't seem to want to do it anymore...

Is it a case of not wanting to feel or do... or a case of mistaking what we really want? If I find there are such I do not want, what I usually find I really want is more peace, less effort, more contentment, less fear, and the like. So what I usually 'do' is ease-up-on-the-wanting and usually find that this eases up on the feeling of fear and effort and enhances the feeling of peace and contentment.

[Dako]

.

I'm to afraid to kill myself so i just live with this depression that effects everyone else

 

Depression doesn't affect me much since I got help years ago. My recent problems with a divorce would be much worse if I'd just given in and suffered with it.

 

Lots of folks avoid help because the depression tells them they deserve to suffer and it's hopeless. Break the cycle and get help.