"Not that into me" or "still into the ex"?

[Luz21]

I am dealing with a difficult dating situation right now. Here's what's happened: I met a guy about 6 mos ago who I totally clicked with. It felt like we had known each other for years- instant comfort. He pursued me relentlessly- we talked all the time, and he ALWAYS wanted to hang out. Took me to dinner, paid for everything all the time. It was clear he wanted a relationship with me. However, I wasn't sure I was attracted to him. I was just coming out of a relationship that was very physical and, while everything else totally clicked with the new guy, I wasn't sure that the chemistry was there. We dated for two months, and then I lost interest.

 

It took me about 3.5 weeks to realize that maybe I should give him another chance. He was such a great guy, and we connected so well in other ways. Plus, attraction can grow. Sometimes sex shouldn't be the most important thing. I was surprised because the attraction totally came around, and we started talking again.

 

However, this time it was totally different. I thought once I had proved that the physical stuff had come around and I was interested in that with him, he would get it and we would start going out on dates again, etc, and become boyfriend and girlfriend. But, when I tried to make plans with him, he would meet me, but it wasn't like he was initiating it or making it a priority. When I finally asked him what was going on, he told me that he had seen his ex girlfriend recently (who he had moved accross the country for, but had broken up with over a year ago) and that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. (He had even changed his online profiles---and I'm not talking about on dating sites-- and taken off "relationships" for his interests- now it just says "dating"). When I met him, he had no contact with the ex; now, they seem to be talking and even hanging out sometimes, though I don't know how regular it is. He says he doesn't think they will get back together, but he wants to have a friendship with her. He insists that it's innocent.

 

We kept talking and seeing each other, and when we hung out he acted like a boy with a crush....blushing, shy, sometimes touchy and flirty. We had some great times together and I thought we had that intimacy factor, that "connection". But- nothing changed. I was never a priority like I was the first time around. And, recently he has even been treating me badly- trying to meet up just late night, and every girl knows that this borders on insulting.

 

We had a huge fight last week because he tried the late night thing again, but told me he didn't want me to meet up with him earlier. I was incredibly hurt and offended. Now, we are not speaking (though I will concede that I was unduly nasty..I told him I no longer thought he was a good person), which I think is for the best. He told a mutual friend that he doesn't want any contact with me right now and maybe in a few months we could all get a drink together, but right now...nada.

 

I just don't understand what happened. He was so interested when we first met, and he was so wonderful. He has turned into a selfish jerk, and he gets defensive and tells me I "read too much into things" when I tell him his behavior is disrespectful. I wrote him I wanted things to be like they were in the beginning, and he didn't reply.

 

Is it all because he is back in contact with his ex that he lost interest in a relationship with me? Is it because I wasn't interested during the first go-round? Nothing about ME has changed, and we still had a great time when we hung out. I know the issues are all his, but what I fear the most is that now, for whatever reason, he "just isn't that into me".

 

So- what happened??? Is he acting like this because he is still stuck on her? If he really cared for me, even in conjunction with the ex, why would he let me go? Is he trying to figure out what he wants, or is this the kiss-off?

 

Please help---I am driving myself crazy wondering about it.

[annie24]

Ok, well, from what you have described, it seems like he was interested at first, and then you shot him down. He got back in contact with the ex, and realizes that he may still have feelings for her. In the meantime, you pop back into his life, but this time, he's just not as interested. Maybe because you hurt him, maybe because he's into the ex still... probably a combination of both.

 

Are you saying he was using you as a booty call? Yuck.

 

Maybe you two just aren't right for each other. I would let this one go.

 

good luck

[Luz21]

Yeah- I guess it's just hard because at first he seemed so amazing, and then it was like he was a totally different person. And yes, he tried to use me as a booty call. Of course, I wasn't down for that.

 

I guess if someone isn't emotionally resilient to recover from an argument, or to get over someone and move on, he isn't what I'm looking for. Still, it hurts the ego to know someone was really into you, and then all of a sudden he isn't. Sometimes I puzzle over it, and other times I sort of realize that I can do better...with someone who knows what he wants, and will communicate with me about it.

 

Do you think he'll contact me again? Do you think he still cares about me at all?

[annie24]

Oh gosh - I haven't the faintest idea. We're not mindreaders here It would be a pretty big blow to my ego if a guy turned me down. And then for him to come back, I probably wouldn't give him a 2nd chance..... But, that's just me....

 

How would you feel if the situations were reversed? If a guy lost interest in you, but then came back a few months later? Would you necessarily give him a second chance?

[Msnak]

Annie, great question.

 

Second chances are not for everyone. So, you'd have to determine if this guy was worth your time, energy and most important, your trust.

 

And to be turned down after a guy expressed interest, hurts like hades! But it happens more than we'd all like. Girls do it, too. Maybe in a nicer way? LOL! (Not that there really is a nice or harmless way to kick someone out of your life!)

[Luz21]

Honestly- I would make sure he was gung ho. I mean, it would take a lot for me to give this one a round two- even though I know I hurt him in round 1. One time I woke up and he was staring at me (when I still wasn't into sex with him) with this rapt expression of love. It freaked me out. Too intense, too emotional. But, now I am there, or at least in the aftermath phase because he doesn't love me anymore. To me, actions speak louder than words. I don't think he'll come around again, because I don't think he's emotionallly able to rebound as easily as me. I think it's just done. And it hurts so, so much. I lost a friend and a lover- not because of my shortcomings, but because of his insecurities. And that makes me totally powerless to change the situation. It's just done. God. And who knows when I will find another real connection. I wonder if he thinks about it, or just tries to excise it from his memory. All I know is, it really stings. I thought I was walking into a secure, loving relationship, but it was really a sting op. Please let me heal quickly---I can't take this ambiguity, this wondering. How can feelings vanish so quickly from his standpoint? I am utterly baffled.

[annie24]

Well, really, I think you should look at things from his perspective. It will help you understand. Try to put yourself in his shoes as much as possible.

 

I know that I've been in a similar situation, where I had a guy very interested in me, and then he disappeared for a few months, and then came back. It really ticked me off! It's like he was "sniffing around" for something better for a few months, didn't find it, so he came back to me, assuming that I wouldn't notice that he disappeared for 3 months! Well, I really let him have it. What a jerk.

[LadyV]

I don't know if this'll help but i left my ex (after a 4yr RLT) because i started to question whether i loved him & i knew it wasn't right. We kept in touch, i realised i'd made a mistake about 6 months later & i told him how i felt. At first he said whilst he wanted to come back, he couldn't but after a few months he did. To cut along story short, he walked away 3 months later saying he couldn't trust me not to hurt him again. He was madly in love with me & i walked away & maybe that's how your ex is feeling.

 

When my ex did the same to me i was absolutely devastated & although i've started seeing someone new, i have trust issues (have never had them before) & with ex's on the scene, nothing's easy.

 

Good luck - you'll be ok

[Luz21]

That did help. Thanks. The thing is, I don't think he and the ex will get back together---usually in these circumstances it's hard to rebuild. However, he is clearly not ready to move on yet.

 

Still, that doesn't change the fact that he was careless with me. I don't think he's a bad guy, but he shouldn't be calling me late night to "meet up". And to be honest, I don't think he really thought about how his actions would make me feel AT ALL, which is why he shocked when I got angry.

 

I plan to leave the area w/in the next six months. I don't know if he and I will be friends again. Or, if I should be friends with him. I wonder if he's even thinking about the fact that we aren't talking. If I wasn't on his mind enough for him to be considerate of me, why would I be on it now???

[Msnak]

Luz, unfortunately, your last sentence raised a very good point. It hurts, though, doesn't it?