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Should I continue to keep this a secret?

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Ok. *Takes deep breath* My boyfriend and I recently broke up 3 weeks ago. I find it really hard to trust. I automatically distrust people until they give me reason to trust them as opposed to trusting them until they give me reason not to. This fact hindered our relationship because I demanded more time than he could give. My boyfriend knows everything about me except for one thing. I feel like if I told him this, he would've been more understanding of my need to have more time before I could trust him. When I was in the 4th grade, I was molested by my cousin. This continued for four years. I never told anyone because I didn't think anyone would believe me. I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want him to think I was just saying it to get attention or to make him feel sorry for me. I mean, if I was raped there would be evidence but being molested, there was nothing to back me up but my word against his. My father never liked this cousin of mine and after awhile never allowed my sister and I to be around him without an adult. I have never told anyone. I didn't want to cause problems within my family.


I have seen a psychologist before. She said that my mental state was healthy and that there didn't seem to be any serious problems (I wasn't dating anyone then). Trust issues occur whether or not you have been abused. So, with that in mind, I'm not sure if this really factors in or not. I want to tell him and show him that I trust him (so much so that I will tell him something I've kept to myself since 4th grade) but I don't want him to think that I'm telling him this to get back together with him or anything. I just have this huge issue with not being believed. I don't think I could handle it. What should I do? Should I tell him or not?

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I don't know hun, it depends on how serious your relationship was. If you broke up on relatively good terms and are still friends, then I could see you telling him in confidence.


But I can see him thinking you are lying so he will feel sorry enough to get back together with you (if things ended on a sour note).


If you really have big issues with trust and issues with not being believed, I don't know if I would choose him to tell this secret to. Your belief that no one believes you could be confirmed and you'll clam up much worse than before.


Maybe you should take some time off from relationships and really focus on yourself and dealing with the issue at hand instead of trying to fix it while with him.


If you've dated long term and are very close, tell him and don't expect anything to come of it either way.


Overall, tell him if you trust him enough. If not, you can try to reconcile anyhow, but eventually you should tell him in that case. You want him to know the reason that you are who you are, right?


Also though, if you are demanding a lot of his time and he's not willing to give it, maybe you just aren't compatible? This is a sticky issue and I wish you all the luck in the world

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I have trust issues, and I have had an abuse-free childhood.


The thread is here;

In your case, I believe you should tell him. I would like my girlfriend to tell me everything; indeed, I expect no less. I tell her every single little thing about me, and I know the same about her.


I think it's unfair to keep this from him, as you may be able to sort your relationship out.


At the end of the day, he will either believe you, or he won't. It's 50/50, isn't it? (If my maths is correct!!) If he does know as much about you as I think, he will know about your issue with not being believed, and will support you.


Sorry I can't be more help!

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Yeah. He has always been there for me when I needed him so I don't doubt that he will be there for me again. I am honestly just afraid of not being believed. I don't want him to think that I want pity or something. I don't want to be pitied because that will make me feel pathetic or like I'm a victim (even though I am but I don't want to feel like one if that makes any sense). You're right, it is unfair. How can I expect him to be honest with me if I'm not completely honest with him? Relationships are built on trust and without it, they fail. I don't care if we get back together or anything I just need him to support me, as a friend. That would be great.

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My Personal Advice: I wouldn't tell him. The point is, he's an 'Ex'. There is no forcing it. Sounds like if the relationship really meant something, then a breakup wouldn't happen in the first place. Telling him would be like begging for attention/affection. Don't.


Do- if you know this person is the 'right' person and if the relationship didn't have to end in the first place.


I was in your predicament for years, periodically all throughout my childhood. I KNOW what you mean by trusting people.


If the relationship's broken, it's broken. If this person truly cared for you as much as you cared for them, I wholeheartedly believe that with patience/understanding, a break up would NEVER occur. You telling him won't make a difference. It won't make him love you more.


He may or may understand you more, but it doesn't mean that he loves you in that way. If he did- he'd be with you through THICK &THIN. Don't forget that. If things don't work out now, what makes you think they'll work out later when you tell him what happened to you? It's not going to change his heart. If things didn't work out, it means that he was never truly yours to begin with. If he was, then a breakup wouldn't have to occur. It wasn't meant to be.


If BOTH partners cherished each other that much, there wouldn't ever be a reason to separate. Should you ever tell anyone about what happened to you, it should be to someone you truly trust and KNOW is there for you- someone who isn't an ex, or is on the verge to becoming an ex, especially since trust is a HUGE issue. Once someone breaks up with you, or the relationship doesn't work out, where is the foundation for trust? Was it or is it really there? Once a relationship's broken, whatever's left is built on rubble. The real issues lie within the fact that it's hard to let go.


Find strength to heal. I know it's tough. Stay strong.

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