compatibility vs. love

[Little Penguin]

I am just confused and I would like to know how other people think about this. Say..if you've meet someone toward whom you feel passion and love, however, this person's personality is not compatible with yours and the chance to workout the relationship is slim; at mean time, you've met another person who cares about you and who wants to make you happy, and you feel you guys are compatible and can have a future together, but there is no passion but only care, because he is a good person and yourself is also good-natured. In this case, What would you do?

[Boricua7]

I, personally, would try my darnest to make it work with the one that I love. I don't think it's right to settle for option B just because option A is harder.

[darkblue]

I don't see how personalities can be uncompatible.

What do you mean by that?

[Pixiemeat]

I'd say that with A, passion does not mean love, so be sure you mean both. I have lustful thoughts about celebrities, but I wouldn't say I loved them. Personality incompatability is another warning sign - how incompatible are you? You don't need to be carbon copies of one another, but you should be able to get on! Why wouldn't the relationship work out?

 

With B, the relationship is much easier to deal with, but you already seem to think he's rather boring and would prefer the excitement created by A. I wouldn't go out with someone because I felt sorry for him or felt I could care for him - you're not going to be his mother or carer, but his girlfriend, and I myself have made the mistake of going out with men who needed to be cared for - when they got better, they left me (or I couldn't cope with them not needing me any more), so I would warn against that. Whilst relationships are about caring for your partner, you shouldn't enter a relationship with the idea 'this man needs me'. PM me if you need more reasons why. Can't tell you which to go for, which do you think?

[RayKay]

I am just confused and I would like to know how other people think about this. Say..if you've meet someone toward whom you feel passion and love, however, this person's personality is not compatible with yours and the chance to workout the relationship is slim; at mean time, you've met another person who cares about you and who wants to make you happy, and you feel you guys are compatible and can have a future together, but there is no passion but only care, because he is a good person and yourself is also good-natured. In this case, What would you do?

 

Honestly, I would not choose either. I think you can be compatible with someone on all levels and love them, and find passion and excitement too. Why settle just to settle and be in a relationship? Why not wait until the one whom had it all came along? Now, in a relationship love changes and fluctuates..it is not always exciting, sometimes is it more of a companionship, but I think the passion is always there to some degree, but it takes more then love to create something wonderful. Compatibility is important, because otherwise it just causes strains that slowly chip away at the relationship. Compatibility does not mean = the same. It just means you fit together well, you share many of the same values and goals, you are compatible on all levels, on what commitment means, you are compatible in intimacy, in giving and receiving in the relationship, in communication, in conflict resolution. My idea of it is you have enough sames to be the best of friends, and enough differences to learn from one another, bring to the relationship, and keep things interesting.

 

 

 

If was incompatible with someone, and I mean by this to be the following types of things: in terms of lifestyle (ie one's a workaholic and one puts family first, one is athletic and outdoorsy, the other hates activity like that, one wants to travel all over, the other a homebody), perhaps life values and goals (one wants children, one does not, one wants marriage, one does not, one believes in open relationships the other does not...) or we were constantly in conflict and never solving the issues, or it was abusive (emotionally, physically), there was lying, betraying, cheating, or there was too much sacrifice to be with the person at the expense of your emotional health...well I would realize that perhaps they were not going to be the ones for me - my partner, lifemate. Sometimes differences are fine, they work together well, balance one another out...but if it is always pushing/pulling, always conflict, and pressure to change oneself, it's a sign there is something not right. Love is great, but it takes more then that initial love to make things last the distance and the time.

 

Now if I did not love someone or have passion, but was compatible, I would call them just a very great friend.

 

So again, I would not pick either....I would just hold out for it all

[Little Penguin]

Let me make it clearer:

For option A: I feel excited and very happy to see him; I feel connected; But meanwhile he is very controlling and irritable, which is not something that I can live with. I don't think he can change either;

 

For option B: I feel comfortable and relaxed when I am around him; he is good natured and we both like to travel; I enjoy spending time with him; He is always there for me whenever I need him; However I feel I don't love him ( I don't know why...).

 

Some friends say I should give the guy in option B more time (we are together only about a month), love might develop later. I really hope someone who has been in this situation can tell me his/her experience.

 

Thanks...

[RayKay]

Let me make it clearer:

For option A: I feel excited and very happy to see him; I feel connected; But meanwhile he is very controlling and irritable, which is not something that I can live with. I don't think he can change either;

 

For option B: I feel comfortable and relaxed when I am around him; he is good natured and we both like to travel; I enjoy spending time with him; He is always there for me whenever I need him; However I feel I don't love him ( I don't know why...).

 

Some friends say I should give the guy in option B more time (we are together only about a month), love might develop later. I really hope someone who has been in this situation can tell me his/her experience.

 

Thanks...

 

Well, no true love I know of develops in a month. Love takes time, it comes through shared experiences together, as you learn the ins and outs of one another. If you don't feel you love him.....well, I would say that's good...if you were in love with him after a month of dating I would question it being the strong, long lasting kind.

 

As for Guy A, how long have you been dating him? If he is controlling...that's a big red flag in my opinion. Maybe you are confusing lust for love, and are intrigued by his bad boy persona or what you hope he "will be" rather then in love with the person he really is. Bad idea, never be with someone on the basis you hope they will change.

[darkblue]

I agree with RayKay.

I severely doubt that you can be sure of love so quickly, and think you are mistaking lust for love.

[Boricua7]

Some friends say I should give the guy in option B more time (we are together only about a month), love might develop later. I really hope someone who has been in this situation can tell me his/her experience.

 

Thanks...

 

I personally believe that two people who are meant to be together love eachother. I also believe that love takes time to develop and grow. Honestly, to me God puts the potential there but it is up to the two of you to make the most out of that potential. This may be the case with option B (I like how A and B stuck).

 

I also think that if you know for a fact that option A has qualities that you cannot or will not live with and you don't think he can change, then it is like beating a dead horse. Don't waste your time or energy. There is a difference between love and infatuation.

[Little Penguin]

Maybe RayKay is right, I am attracted to the badboy persona;Even I've felt the chemistry and the resonance with him, my head tells me he is not the right one for me; I have been with guy A for about 4 months. Actually I fell for him at the first sight...

 

The only concern I have for guy B is he pours all his feelings into this relationship. I don't really want to hurt him or mislead him if things don't turn out the way he wants...I really don't know how love could develop if I don't feel it..

[Boricua7]

It's called unrequited love. It happens.

 

What you need to do, if you chose to pursue a relationship with option B, is to make sure he understands your feelings. You need to make sure he does not expect what you are not willing to offer. If he can take the relationship for what it is, then you're good. If he can't accept it, then you need to let him go because you will end up hurting him.