Still hard to believe that she was an abuser

[Lykke 32]

Well, I have posted here on the forum about my friendship couple times. With the help of others here I came to the conclution, that my ex-friend mentally abused me... Ok, that was kind of unbelievable to me and hard to soak up. I´ve read a lot about the mental abuse since and can definitelly point at some of the signs of it in my friendship, not all though.... So sometimes I am hasitant and come to the conclusion, that it wasn´t that bad, that, what went wrong, was all my fault, that she is too good to treat me bad, that I overreacted, when I told her goodbye, enought is enought....

 

Today I´ve got en e-mail from my another friend. She knows my ex-friend, but only as an acquaintance. They live in the same town, while I moved away... She wrote, that she thinks, that my ex-friend is really nice and sweet and that she can´t understand, what kind of an argument we could possibly have, that we can´t get along anymore...She suggests, that whatever it was, it can´t be anything, we can´t fix. That I should call her, mail her or text her, I should get over my pride and make it work again....

 

So now I am sitting here all confused again and hasitant. Moreover I don´t wanna reveal to people from the town, I used to live, what the problem really was between us. I think, it wouldn´t be fair to my ex-friend. I see no point to talk bad about her (only couple of my really good friends and my parents know the whole story).

 

So what am I suppose to answer to that mail?

 

What hit me the most is, that my ex-friend is always gonna be the nice, wonderful girl for everybody else.... Maybe I am the only one wrong here.....](*,)

 

Thanks for any input. Have a nice day or evening, depends....

[TheFallenShadow]

Lykke

 

I understand what you are saying totally...

My soon to be X wife was the same way, nice to everyone, but when no one was around and behind closed doors so to speak, it was a differant story. The problem was that there was many people that could see that i was being mentally being abused. And at the time no one could tell me that i was, I wouldnt have heard them...

 

But as it is, it took a few instances for me to realize thats what was happening. And so, finally i moved out. and she acted like she had done nothing wrong and couldnt understand it, her friends thought the same, how could i leave some one that was that nice and sweet, they never knew the full story, nor was i going to set anyone straight on it. I didnt feel that by doing so would improve anything. As it is i still have contact with my X, because we have children, and there are day that she continues to try and mentally abuse me. But i know that there is no chance that we would ever get back together because she never thinks that she has done anything wrong.

 

Can a person change? I think they can, but they have to be able to look at themselves and see what there faults are and try and change them, but until then. there is nothing you can do. for them, but for yourself, to carry on and make yourself better and look ahead to better days, thou we sometimes feel that things like this that it is are own fault, but they arent, at least not wholely....it takes two, and as i am finding out, there are good days and there are bad days....

 

And i have come to realize that i am not everything that i was made to believe. Now that i am out of that situation and can see things more clearly. Hope this helps and have a great day.

 

Fallen

[Itsok]

When dealing with someone abusive, you will always think you're the one at fault. Being in social work, I can honestly say it's hard to break the habit of "I'm at fault."

 

Just let the situation go. Of course your friend was 'nice to everyone else,' which is a very common occurrence in abusive relationships of any sort.

 

Keep your head high and don't worry about what others think.

[Shadows Light]

Years ago... I had a falling out with my best friend. We didn't talk for a good 8 years. I like you kept my mouth shut about what had happened. We had many friends in common and it just wasn't worth the aggrvation of

washing our dirty linens in public.

 

She felt she was right. I felt I was right.

 

The bottom line is... after 8 years of virtual silence. I say virtual because we were cordial. We came to terms. In those 8 years, even though we weren't close. When crap hit the fan... we called each other. And then go back to our corners of silence.

 

I guess I was the first one to break down those barriers and say that I was sorry. We both agreed that we had probably "OUT GROWN" our friendship at the time. We were headed in different directions. And it didn't fit anymore. It was very much like a divorce. LOL. Today...we are on talking terms. We call each other. We lean on one another. But not like it once was. And thats ok.

 

Marriage/relationships... not to different. I've been reading quite a bit about the dance people share...and trying to figure out just exactly... where I went wrong... how its supposed to be... etc etc.

 

I have quoted from Dr. Phil Relationship Rescue book so often on this site that I should probalby ask for royalties... or something. He says.. "You don't allow your friends to treat you in a certain way.. why would you allow a spouse that lattitude. The only difference between friends and mates... is the level of intimacy. You are sexually intimate with your mate. Sooooo what gives them liceance or you liceance to treat each other with disrespect???"

 

On the topic of verbal abuse. I found a website that is quite informative... she talks about Verba/emotional/ mental abuse and how insidious it is.

 

I've found a few books through amazon.. on VERBAL abuse... and the crazy making. And the one main point that all the writers make is... that verba/emotional/mental abuse is insidious. its quiet. And no one knows. You can see physical abuse. Its readily apparent, not easily hidden. This is far worse. And harder to recover from. The abuser will make you feel that it is "all your fault" I know the big thing I always had yelled at me was..."LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO" And that type of thing has a way of sticking with you. Especially since they are so charming and so good in front of everyone else.

 

I know most of our friends were "SHOCKED" that I had left. Most of them could not believe it. He won them all over. Why?? because I hid allot of things over the years. Because allot of things happened behind closed doors. There were only a small handful of people... who actually saw.. or were privy to a small portion of what was going on. And who believe me.

 

Whats it left me with??? Its left me with deep deep wounds. Scars that I will carry. I have allot of therapy ahead of me... to try to re-program my head into knowing... "I am OK".... its been near 2years now. And I STILL... have that FEAR run through my head.. "whats he going to say... whats he going to do...." LOL... just yesterday. A small snafu happened at home... and I thought.. "OMG... I'm going to hear about this."..... and I did. I called it.

 

If you feel that your boundaries have been crossed. Or have been pushed. They probably have. Only you can be the judge of that. And only you can allow it or not allow it to happen.

 

In the case of a marriage or relationship.... its unfortunate that there are sooooo many people affected by it. Its more than just the 2. Its the children. ITs the family. Friends. Co-workers. Neighbors. Everyone that couple touched... who have to deal with the fall out of a relationship gone awry.

 

In the case of a friendship... I guess its the same. The only ones who arn't directly affected would be the children. To some extent.

 

It doesn't matter who is wrong or who is right at this point does it???? everyone loses. Whats left is to pick up the pieces... re-build... and try to go on living.

[Miss M]

Today I´ve got en e-mail from my another friend. She knows my ex-friend, but only as an acquaintance. They live in the same town, while I moved away... She wrote, that she thinks, that my ex-friend is really nice and sweet and that she can´t understand, what kind of an argument we could possibly have, that we can´t get along anymore...She suggests, that whatever it was, it can´t be anything, we can´t fix. That I should call her, mail her or text her, I should get over my pride and make it work again....

 

So now I am sitting here all confused again and hasitant.

Hey Lykke, remember I told you it would be a roller coaster going back and forth for a while. This is what I was talking about. Other well-meaning people will sometimes say something innocently that will trigger your self-blame, sending you tumbling head over heels back into self-doubt. I've had that exact same kind of thing said to me many, many times, and it took a long time for me to recognize it is an emotional "trigger" very similar to a hypnotic trigger. When that "button" is pushed all the feelings of guilt rise up just as before, but now, I know they are bogus. I try to keep a part of me separate so I can take care of myself... so that I don't believe what I'm feeling... so I don't contact that person again. But I know it's difficult. It's just that part of the programming is still happening automatically even though I know the truth. In cases of emotional abuse, the feelings don't automatically stop just because you know the truth.

 

Emotional abuse is very insidious, more difficult to break free from than many others realize. And it's very difficult for others to see it from the outside, so they often say the exact wrong thing that will push us back into the abusive relationship. If it gets too overwhelming it's just best to avoid contact with those people. And remember, you had other friends who tried to warn you, who saw something was wrong long before you did. It might be best to hang around them for a while, and stay away from the ones who don't understand.

 

So what am I suppose to answer to that mail?

I try not to discuss the abusive relationships with people who don't understand because it always ends up with me feeling worse instead of better. It just causes me to go back for another dose of abuse, and I know I don't need that. So I learned to let others believe what they want... I can't help what others believe about me. And if you just don't discuss it with them at all, then they often give up. And sometimes you even have to be willing to look like the bad guy, because that's more reasonable and sane than trying to justify your behavior to someone who really doesn't understand.

[Shadows Light]

And sometimes you even have to be willing to look like the bad guy, because that's more reasonable and sane than trying to justify your behavior to someone who really doesn't understand.

 

This is true. Its hard taking the high road. And if it means losing other friend in the process... so be it. Stay true to yourself. I'm starting to respond to other peoples statements with a little smile and a twinkle to my eye...."Yep... you are right" and then I change the subject.

[Lykke 32]

Thank you guys all for your support.... It means so much in those difficult days, I am recently having....

 

Shadows Light, I´ve read some of your post. You´ve been throught a lot! Sorry for that. But you seem to achieve a great progress throught the last year, so I keep the hope, it´s gonna be better for me as well....

 

Miss M, I have a really bad and blameful day today.... So I went throught your post considering my case again (for how many times already...?)..... It´s like my life belt - still there , still prooving me wrong in my "I am so unjust, ungrateful, blind, horrible..." selfevaluating mood... Thanks...

 

But though I have those bad days, I can really see a slight improvement.... I feel so FREE, as my mind is not occupied with her all the time (only sometimes), I am not this emotional wreck anymore (even if I am crying on and off, this feeling of hopelessness somehow disappear), my marrige is definitaly on the way up , my moodswings are not that often....

 

I am sure, I am a bad guy in her surroundings, but I am aware, there is nothing I can or even am willing to do about it. I am not gonna explain anybody anything.... I believe, that people got the chance to know me and it´s up to them to decide, what they believe..... And as I moved, it´s much easier not to think about it that much....Only sometimes, when I get mail like that....

 

However now I am dealing with this huge irrational fear from new friendships.... I never had big problems with talking to people and wherever I am, I always find people, who want to get to know me. Lucky, aren´t I? No difference this time. New place to live, new town (ok, seminew,as it is 4 months now) and already around five new friends... Or at least they are trying to show me an interest.... And what am I doing? Keeping distance, questioning all the time, why they do this and that, why they want to be friends, why they are texting me (not that I didn´t give them my number ), why they want to hug me.... I really rather keep contact with my several great friends via net and couple visits every second month, than making new once..... But I guess, it could be normal reaction after previous experience and it´s coming with the age anyway, right?

 

Well, I am sure, I am gonna be healed completely one day.... But still couple months to go....

 

Take care all of you!

[Miss M]

And if it means losing other friend in the process... so be it.

Absolutely. And a friend who is confused enough to tell you to go back to an abusive relationship is not that valuable anyway. In fact, I've "lost" a lot of friends in that way, and I find that I don't miss them at all. It's all just part of the overall process of making room for something better to come along.

 

I'm starting to respond to other peoples statements with a little smile and a twinkle to my eye...."Yep... you are right" and then I change the subject.

Yeah, I've done that too, especially when "not wanting to discuss it" still isn't making them back off. Sometimes nothing kills an accusatory confrontation better than when I go ahead and admit to being a villainess. Of course, at first it seems counter-intuitive, but it actually works well. Sometimes when I say, "Yeah, you're right" I also add, "so ending the friendship is good for her... she's really better off without me... now she won't have to endure any more abuse from me." When I stop resisting, and willingly take ownership of all of it with a smirk... yeah, the other person usually gets the message. The key is to admit it without any hint of apology. And I've even done this with abusive boyfriends too, sometimes speaking in that way directly to the person who was abusing me, i.e. "well, it's so good that you don't have to put up with me anymore, whew!" They usually back off and leave me alone.

[Miss M]

Yes, it is VERY normal. I went through a looonng period of not trusting anyone at all... I just didn't know how to tell the difference between the genuinely nice people and FAKE nice ones. Yes indeed, all of that is very normal. Now I can tell the difference and I'm learning to trust myself again. But I'm still going through a painful period of feeling afraid and anxious around genuinely nice people, even when I know for sure they are genuinely nice. That's all part of the process as we de-program. You'll get better one step at a time, (and maybe even faster than me! ) Just try to be kind to yourself on your "journey." And if you ever find yourself in a situation that isn't good, just recognize the error, and then politely back out of it again. You have to put yourself out there, but it won't always be perfect each day. Allow yourself gentle recognition of your trial and error process. All of that will happen, and is also normal. And remember, no fair beating up yourself on those days when you stumble.

[Shadows Light]

Shadows Light, I´ve read some of your post. You´ve been throught a lot! Sorry for that. But you seem to achieve a great progress throught the last year, so I keep the hope, it´s gonna be better for me as well....

 

Yeah... I've been through much and still very much in the thick of it. Progress.. yes, but its one step at a time. I struggle. One of the things I struggle with is de-programing. I have zero trust tolerance. Always looking for motives and hidden agenda's. Looking over my shoulder, as it were.

 

There are lots of good and wonderful things I have discovered about myself in the past year and a half. I didn't think I made that much progress when I took stock this NEW YEARS... lol. But my family assures me I have made tremendous strides. Guess this time last year I was a walking corpse. Not a happy camper!!! grin.

 

It does get better. One giant step forward... two small steps back.

[Lykke 32]

Well, it´s february obviously.... Should I start a new thread every month? No, it´s still the same story anyway.... And I just need to vent.....

 

I seem doing fine for some time, but then always something happens and I start to think too much.....

 

I was sick three days last week... No big deal.... But so I didn´t show up at the places, I used to do every day..... I was fresh again and so several people came to me and ask, what was wrong and told me, that they were worried and missed me being around.... 8-[ I was VERY surprised and flatered actually....

 

But then of course BANG! It was just another kick for my thoughts..... Instead of being glad and enjoy the simple feeling of being pleased...

 

Why my ex friend just didn´t see in me, what other people do? Why she just couldn´t enjoy our friendship the way it went? Why she had to hurt me so much? Other people apparently like me..... Why they miss me after few days and she doen´t miss me at all after 4 months? But of course I came to this very logical conclusion: they like me, because they don´t know me that well.... And she did know me like nobody else did and that´s why she treated me the way, I deserved.....

 

How could I have made such a bad choice and thought and felt about her as the best friend, I could´ve ever met? We were so alike.... and so different at once...

 

How often is "too often" to cry? It´s never long ago since I´ve cried the last time....We can speak hours, 1 or 2 days max.... still for the same damn thing...

 

It´s bed time here.... Thanks for listening...

 

Have a nice weekend everybody!!

[Miss M]

Hey Lykke, Happy February!

 

So your good friends gave you appreciation and affection, and it seems you took that good stuff and used it as a way to make yourself miserable. Sweetheart, your ex-friend is still affecting you negatively. You're still letting her distorted thoughts define your worth and value. But she is clueless and distorted in her thinking.

 

And no she didn't treat you bad because you deserved it. And neither does her vote carry more weight because she knew you better than the others. That's really not how it works. She's a very confused and self-absorbed person and that's why she treated you that way. It was NOT because she knew you better, and it was NOT because you deserved it.

 

Try to enjoy the good regard your other friends give you. And there is no need to use the ex as the reason to invalidate all the good stuff you've received from the others. Try to honor and believe the good your friends tell you about yourself. And please ignore the clueless one.