Cold feet? Or not the real thing?

[Max Jax]

I am confused. I have been engaged to this sweet wonderful guy for a long time now. 2 and a half years actually. And I really love him, but recently we started planning the wedding.. And I am not sure if it is cold feet, or I am scared or what, but I am having doubts.. I love him, but I dunno... He lives in a different country than me and he is planning to move here for me and I am terrified to have him move here if I am not sure.. I am not sure if that is causing the cold feet a bit, because thats such a huge thing...

 

But lately I have been looking at other guys and just more or less wanting to have sex, not be in a relationship.. I don't really wanna have sex with them, but it sorta scares me because I never even looked before...

 

I love my BF so much, but I am scared if he comes here and it doesn't work I will have ruined his life.. We got engaged young, he was 17, I 18 and its been a long time and its always been him I have wanted and loved.. Its just since the plans are more concrete I am scared..

 

Should I tell him I want to hold off? (thing is if I do, it will be over a year, because he is meant to come at the end of this school year and if he waits he will have to go another year of uni there)

 

Another thing is, by coming here, to marry me, his family will disown him.. I am so scared that he will leave everything for me and I am having cold feet. I love him so much, I really do, I am just scared...

[Shadows Light]

hmmmmm Honestly... knowing what your mind is and what you really want at age 18 is tough. Knowing what you really want at age 20... or those early 20's uggggg tough . You seem to be looking out for his best interest... and part of caring for someone is looking out for HIS best interest. Leaving his family and his country... is a big big step. And you are right to think of .... what if it doesn't work out.

 

Especially since you are starting to "window shop". I think its a normal thing to window shop. As long as you arn't buying. However, if you are questioning ... strongly questioning and its causing you despair.. whether you really WANT this at this time or not.. then I would hold off.

 

I too thought I was having COLD FEET. Everyone convinced me I was having COLD FEET. Heck.. I even got on anti-depressants the close my wedding day came closer. A bit of it was just "cold feet" but maybe I should have listened to my instincts and held off. ohhh well.. would have, should have, could have... hindsight is always 20/20.

 

I was a few years older than you are. And at your age... I'm thinking.. whats the rush to get married????

 

I'm glad you are questioning and not blindly flying into it thinking it will be all fairy tales and forever afters.

[Max Jax]

Well part of the reason for wanting to go ahead more is I just wanna be with him.. Being that it is long distance we dont get to see much of each other and thats a hard thing..

 

It is just "window shopping" but sometimes I wish it was more to just have that closeness, but at the same time I would be wishing it was him.. Its so complicted!!

 

The thing is, marriage is a huge thing and if it was someone here, and it doesn't work thats not a good thing, but not the end of the world.. And in this case it is.. He is giving up his world for me, and that terrifies me.. What if I don't live up to it? What if it doesn't work.. what if I relise its wrong..

 

I can't take not being with him anymore, but I am to scared to do this to him and have it not work..

[RayKay]

Some nervousness is perhaps to be expected, but I think more people should listen to their cold feet! Sometimes what is dismissed as cold feet are really alarm bells telling you either something is not right, or you are not ready.

 

As Shadow pointed out, it is so hard to know what you want at 18, even 20, 22.....there are just times of such growing. I at your age thought even I knew so much, but wow, I am so glad I did not get married then as I had so much to learn, about not only myself, but about relationships! You have been together a long time, so maybe you are more comfortable wtih him then genuinely wanting to get married?

 

Of course there is the added pressure of living long distance so not having that time together to really know how life would be together, the pressure of him being disowned, and giving up everything...that is a LOT to take which may also be cause of your cold feet!

 

I think you are looking at it properly, thinking not just of the wedding, but the lifetime it brings with it. I think you should really talk to your partner about your feelings, but perhaps first you may even want to consider talking to a counsellor...they may help you sort out some of your thoughts, fears and give you some more insight onto what may be causing the trepidation.

[RayKay]

So do you have to get married quickly due to the Visa? Or is there anyway he can move there for a while and you could go to pre marital counselling together for example, and see if you have what it takes...and you still want to get married?

[Shadows Light]

I just noticed... you are a NEWBIE.. Welcome to ENOT.

 

I can understand what you mean. But you shouldn't be getting married just to be 'close' to someone. Thats not what marriage is all about. You've hardly experienced life.. either one of you.

 

I don't doubt you are torn. I had many friends abroad but I wouldn't have married them. One of the things that deterred me was not knowing whether they wanted me or the "VISA" because the only way in this country is to marry. That bugged me a GREAT GREAT DEAL.

 

I've seen marriages that do work this way. And others that didn't.

 

Sometimes they don't work out because of culture shock. They can't cope with our lifestyles.

 

And then of the marriages that do work.... how many are staying because they are "guilt ridden" like you seem to be???

 

Have you dicussed this with your parents? closest friends? what do they think?

[Max Jax]

its 90 days because of the visa, and I have to start booking things now, alone... and that sucks.. But the hard part is just coming here makes his family disown him and there is no going back or they would kill him (literally. honor killing) and thats another worry, there is a chance that we could both die from this..

 

His sister married a black guy and the father tried to hire a hitman and tried to have her killed, and another time he choked her till she had a seizure.. he is a very violent man..

 

My bf is indian and sikh and I am white and christian, so it is a little bit of suicide.. Just scary..

[Max Jax]

Well I know he isnt trying to just get a green card as he doesn't really wanna live in the US but is doing it for me.. He had wanted me to go there but as I said before his insane family...

 

I have tried to talk to family and stuff, but the hard part is they don't like him because he is sikh, and so give me a hard time and if I leave any wiggle room they will harass me forever.. My friends don't really know him well enough to help... I dunno its just a hard thing, because I am really alone in this except him and I talk to him about it and he reassures me and everything feels right.. For a while, then I am scared again.. And not sure.. When I talk to him it feels so right, but the doubts scare me..

 

The biggest thing is I don't want to hurt him, and I know either way he would be hurt.. Hurt big time if he comes here and I am not ready, but still hurt if I tell him I am not ready.. Any rejection and he gets so hurt.. I love him so much, I just want it to be wonderful... forever.. When I think of forever and the future, I always see him in it.. In fact I can't see it without him.. I wish life could be simple sometimes..

[romantic sweetheart]

I can understand why you are feeling apprehensive, especially in light of what you wrote about your boyfriend's father. That is frightening!

 

Your boyfriend's decision to move is his own--You are not responsible for his choices. He is moving because he wants to. He is moving to be with you, but that does not make you responsible for what he decides.

 

You are free to live your life as you choose. You are free to change your mind. You must trust your gut feelings and be gentle with yourself. If you are feeling hesitant, it is good to discuss this with your boyfriend. When love is true, love listens and understands. Perhaps you could explain to him how you feel.

 

I think raykay posed a good quesiton--Is there a chance he could move out here for a little while, to just be with you, no pressures, no deamnds...just be a a friend/boyfriend...So you could honestly see how you would feel with him for longer periods of time?

 

It is so difficult to be sure about a connection when it is long distance. Most of long distance is just a promise waiting to happen.....In-person is completely different. I think it might help you feel more settled if you could envision a period of time just getting to know life with him in person, without the huge step of marriage as an immediate event.

 

You might be able to focus more and feel calmer about things if you could just spend time with your boyfriend, in person, and get to know him. Do you think he would be open to that idea?

 

Relationships often collapse under too much pressure. I think romance can blossom if there is some carefree time...without any serious demands. A getting-to-know-one-another time of dating--talking, laughing, going out, etc. See how you are with him on a day to day basis.

 

And this will give you time to sort out your feelings.

 

Remember, we all have a free will. And you do not have to feel guilty if things do not work out. It is better to be honest with one another than it is to live in fear and supression. Let the heart be free.....and love will come to you, either in the heart of your boyfriend, or in the heart of another. Time always tells.

 

As for the scary family situation, I think it would be a good idea to discuss your fears with someone who can offer serious advice on how to cope with these matters. This man's father does not sound like someone anyone would want to be involved with, directly or indirectly. I wish I knew some more information about these affairs, but I can only say it seems very serious. Please be very careful.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[romantic sweetheart]

P.S. I also understand not wanting to hurt another person. But as I have been learning myself, we are only responsible for our own emotions. We cannot be in charge of everyone's reactions. That would not allow us to live. We must feel all right to do what is best for us, and in doing so, we draw in the love we need and deserve.

[Max Jax]

Well like i said the visa is the main thing.. Its 90 days to get married and you have to have a wedding in the works so that is huge money to put out and I know money shouldnt be a factor but when you lack it.. it is.. I am in college (as is he) and so its scary to put money on the line when I really dont have it to do so, and the wedding is worth it, but to lose it would be really bad..

 

Hard part is I gotta be decided and sure in like the next week in order to get stuff booked so the visa will go thru.. yikes..

[Itsok]

Sorry to say but I'd get out of this one. If you are having that much doubt and he will be disowned by his family/possibly killed, are you willing to put him through all that for a relationship that might not work out?

 

If you want to get married to him, share your life with him, etc. then I would say yes, let the relationship blossom by him moving to where you are. However, if you really want to be free, out with other guys, etc. it would be best to tell him the truth and save him the agony he will endure otherwise.

[Max Jax]

Sorry to say but I'd get out of this one. If you are having that much doubt and he will be disowned by his family/possibly killed, are you willing to put him through all that for a relationship that might not work out?

 

If you want to get married to him, share your life with him, etc. then I would say yes, let the relationship blossom by him moving to where you are. However, if you really want to be free, out with other guys, etc. it would be best to tell him the truth and save him the agony he will endure otherwise.

 

 

I desperatly want to be married and share a life with him.. I am just scared.. Everyday we talk about it and I dream about it and I can't see life with out him, I am just having a lot of the what if factor tonight.. He is an amazing man and I am so blessed to know him, and honestly, even if it ended where we died.. It would have been worth it because I was loved by him..

 

I am just scared tonight.. I want a marriage with him that lasts till the day I die.. I can't see loving anyone else, and when I have children, I want it to be with him, when I am scared I want to run to him, when I am crying I want him to hold me.. When he cries, I want to hold him.. I love him so much, and I know he loves me... Its just terrifying to say leave everything and everyone you know and love, to come for just me... For every fight we will undoubtly have, and forevery good moment... I know he is the one I want there beside me.. As silly as it sounds he is the one I want to have the silly little fights with, he is the one I want to share joy with.. And he is the one I want holding my hand as someday I slip from this world into the next...

 

I just wish it didn't have to be where he gives up everything for me.. Because honestly, I don't know if I could do the same, say I love you so much I am willing to give it all... I know in the end I would, but I can't even know how hard this is for him, to leave his family, honestly running away, there can't even be goodbyes... And know he may never see them again.. is it fair for me to ask it??

[Shadows Light]

Blood is thicker than water. His family may not be happy at first. They may not talk to him for a while. But they will hardly refuse or keep up the war once grandchildren come into play.

[Max Jax]

I hope so... His sis had a baby, and at least they stopped trying to have her killed... But no one knows even if the baby is a boy or girl, or how old for sure or anything... Just sorta a sad situation all around.

 

I was thinking a lot last night, and I love him.. Even if I am a lil scared, I love him.. so much. I am gonna keep thinking about it, but I am pretty sure it was cold feet sorta thing, and just all the pressure of it getting to me..

[RayKay]

Blood is thicker than water. His family may not be happy at first. They may not talk to him for a while. But they will hardly refuse or keep up the war once grandchildren come into play.

 

I would not say that...in places where they practice honour killings, even the children can be victims to it, because they too come from a "tainted union" of sorts.

 

There are places where it is "honour" or "code" that is thicker then blood.

 

I can understand based on this the posters fears.

[Pixiemeat]

I agree with RayKay. In some families the issue of family honour and how they appear to the public and their friends is more important than any blood ties. I know a few families myself who have been shattered by interracial relationships.

 

This by no means means that you should get out of it. I'm in one myself, although luckily my parents are approving of my boyfriend to the extent that they have given him certain things to achieve in order to win my 'hand'. I am majorly concerned about your union. Your boyfriend's father has already shown himself to be protective of the honour of his family - are you sure you could deal with any potential threats? Trust me, these families stop at nothing, not even the fact that he would be in a new country. He would be dead to them, so would you, so would your kids. Could you handle it? Could he handle it, more importantly? He may think this is too big a sacrifice and return to the loving arms (!) of his family.

 

Best of luck

[Confessoress]

I was in a similar position to you a while back. If you're not sure, just don't do it!

 

You can still be with your boyfriend and love him without married right? Your still young, and I have had the same thoughts being a similar age in the past, it's natural.

 

I'd honestly suggest not getting married for a few years until you're sure about everything.

[Max Jax]

He knows what he is giving up for me, and we both understand that we are dead to them.. Also we know we may have to fear for our lives for a while.. His father drinks tons and he doesn't really have the best relationship with anyone in his family.. Instead of love, it is more one of fear..

 

I know a lot of people have said wait to get married, but that isnt an option with the way the visas are.. If he gets another type of visa, its much more complicated to get married.. Fiance visa is really the only one that works in our situation..

 

I love him and have been thinking a lot.. I am 99.9999999999% sure it was just a lil bit of cold feet, like I said actually having a date and booking it all of a sudden seemed so scary and permanant.. And permanent is what i want with him, it really really is..

[Confessoress]

I know a lot of people have said wait to get married, but that isnt an option with the way the visas are.. If he gets another type of visa, its much more complicated to get married.. Fiance visa is really the only one that works in our situation..

 

And I was in that situation too. I decided in the end the sensible thing to do if I wasn't sure still wasn't to do it. Instead I ended up flying in out of the country for 6 months at a time. Not fun!

 

But anyway, maybe in your case it is just cold feet. You seem to really love him