i lied to her twice and have been dumped - how can i ever rebuild her trust

[doctor]

My situation is that when I was 18 I went to medical school – I had always wanted to be a doctor. However I lived at the time alone with my mom and I am an only child. I basically found living away from home difficult – but I tried to stick out the course but it wasn't working and I was thrown out of medschool. However I then did well in my next degree and was advised not to mention that I went to medschool before to get in again to another med school. I lied on the form and got in. Funding was difficult and my mom said she would only fund me if I covered up the 5 years I spent at medschool before and didn't tell anyone at my new medschool I had been to medschool before.

 

This was all well and good until halfway through my studies at my new medschool I met the girl of my dreams. Not wanting to break my lie I lied to her about my age and the fact I went to med school before. I had always wanted to be a doctor and I was so upset when my med school career didn't work out the first time and if the new medschool found out I lied it would be the end of my career. It was a tough secret to bear on my own let alone for my girlfriend to have to bear it too.

 

Anyway my girlfriend age 21 is shy and her dad cheated on her mum and it took us 14 and a half months of emailing as friends before we got together.

 

5 and a half months into the relationship I decided to tell her my age 30 not 25. She nearly broke up with me, it took us 4 months to get back to normal. However at the time she asked if I had told her everything. For fear of losing my career if anyone found out I didn't tell her about going to medschool before.

 

I then qualified as a doctor and we have been together 2 years now and were planning on getting a house together.

 

However whilst I was working I was found out about lying on my application form to medschool and now I am being fired from work.

 

I decided to come clean to my girlfriend about going to medschool before and she broke up with me. Saying I promised when I told her my age that that was everything and I lied again and didn't trust her enough to tell her. She said she no longer trusted me and asked me when I was going to tell her about going to medschool before. She said it all showed my desire to do medicine and that its not like I lied to her about anything else and that she understood everything. But that I have had my second chance.

 

She broke up with me the night before a really important meeting about me keeping my job – but I know she must be so hurt.

 

Before we went out we became best friends and she said we'll still be friends and she'll respond to emails.

 

Losing my career right now is the worst time of my life just when I needed her the most. I know I lied to her but this was a secret and burden that she would have had to keep from everyone. All I wanted to do was after the pain of having my career ended when I was younger just to start a new life as a doctor with her because I love her and didn't want her to have to carry this secret with her like I had to.

 

I have now been completely honest with her and everyone. I cant bear to be without her. Is there anything I can do?

[DN]

Show her your post on here.

[Max Jax]

Thats tough..

 

I really understand where you are coming from.. The age thing is hard, but I understand why you did it.. I think she is more hurt and feels you didn't think you could trust her...

 

My BF was kicked out of school for bad grades, he had a lot of family problems and such... He designs computers it was his dream, so he got into another school and didnt tell me or his family or well anyone that he had been kicked out and was now at a not quite so good school... When I found out, I was hurt and upset that he thought I couldn't be trusted or something.. After a while of talking I relised he was upset and ashamed and didn't want it to affect his future.. But it still hurt being lied to ya know?

 

On another note, I am not a DR, but also in the medical feild and part of that understanding and trust a DR carries is the honesty and trust you can put in them.. I get your reason why, but still wasn't the best thing to lie.. They always turn and bite us on the butt..

 

Someone above sugusted showing her this as you wrote on here and thats not a bad idea, sometimes its hardest to tell the truth to the ones we love and to explain it in a clear, emotion free way..

 

I bet she still cares for you but feels betrayed and thinks if you lied first about age, then the med school thing, that she is wondering what else is a lie.. I know I would be.. I don't know if there is anything else, but I think it would be best to come clean on everything and I mean everything and anything, and do something to show she can trust you..

[doctor]

Thanks DN and Max Jax - you were both really helpful.

I have come clean on everything - there isnt anything else I havent now told her.

 

As of now I am emailing her - but am getting really short replies - that completely avoid the topic.

 

We broke up 3 and a half weeks after I told her - in that time she said we were still together and she would try.

 

I explained everything to her several times - and she said if I saw her I would keep bringing it up - then she broke up with me.

 

Also a mutual friend also explained the whole situation to her but she still didnt want to see me.

 

She is interested in what's going on with my job - but I dont know what more I can do to show her she can trust me??

 

She also has some really important exams that are coming up and she was revising for them when we broke up.

 

What do you reckon? Do you think she has understood why I lied? And what do you think her view on the relationship is?

[stolenshadow]

I would say tell her one final time that you regret it, your reasons, that you are willing to work on getting her trust back and that you understand why she's upset. Tell her you'll give her time, a few weeks maybe so she can think about it, then, if you get no answer it might be better to assume she can't trust you and a relationship without trust can't be a good one.

I'm going too far ahead here, just describing a possible scenario.

[doctor]

Whats the best way of showing her that I am sincere? Also it seems like the only contact we now have is email - so shall I just ask her how she is and show I care about her work etc. Would this show that I am sincere?

 

Just worried that bringing in the heavy stuff will make her stop replying?

 

Also she did tell me not to bring it up? And I went around to her house when she told me not to and she got angry then it came up in conversation and she broke up with me.

 

With the age thing we talked about it and it wasnt ever mentioned again.

 

Would the just email in a friendly way and keep the contact going work?? As in give her time - what do you all reckon?

[stolenshadow]

It's not a bad idea starting with a friendship again, it seems that's your best option to be with her too.

So, just remember you are going to be her friend only, know the limits of that and don't cross the line, also, it might not work, we of course can be optimistic but it's best to have that present.

What you said is important info, she wants only e-mail contact and "light" talk, do that, little by little show her you can be trusted.

Good Luck.