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For those with upset exes


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I'm sure we've all had an ex telling us they are upset about the decision they have made…yet they won't do anything to change it.

It's frustrating and upsetting for us, as well as being extremely confusing. One minute they are saying that they are upset and devastated by the break-up, and the next minute they are 100% positive that the break-up is the right thing to do.


So why do they tell us?


Simple – to (re)gain security and allow themselves to move on.


Allow me to explain:


By telling me she is upset, she lets me know that the break-up was a hard decision;


By letting me know this is a hard decision, the she lets me know that she must have considered making the opposite decision;


By letting me know that she considered making the opposite decision, she lets me know that 'we' are still a chance;


By letting me know that 'we' are still a chance, she encourages me to chase her and share my emotions;


By (successfully) encouraging me to chase her and share my emotions, she gains the knowledge that I am still there for her;


By gaining the knowledge that I am still there for her, she feels secure…and when she feels secure, she moves away.


This may be commonsense to some people here, but I know how easy it is to lose perspective when you're heartbroken and act on instinct.


When trying to win an ex back, instincts are the things should be ignored. When your ex acts, try to figure out what (subconsciously) triggered their action and then do your best to deny them what they are seeking.


Your ex's security is the enemy, never forget it.

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Great - Thanks for sharing that.


I am experiencing this pretty much identically.


My ex shows signs that she wants back, and once I show interest, she backs off. And now looks as if she's interested in her ex boyfriend again after a month and a half of mind screwing me, and getting me back after her.


I hope not all females are like this.

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Great post majord,


But in your opinion ...


What if the ex wants to come back and seems sincere about reconciliation? Do you give them the security they are seeking then if you want them back as well?


And what if they are misleading and give false hope just for the sake of receiving that security they're looking for? Sometimes, desperate times call for desperate measures and ex's can fake feelings just to get the reaction they're seeking out of the dumpee.


My ex does this so often. She leads me to believe she wants to be together, just to dump me when I give in ... which has been every time.


I have every intention of walking away for good now, but it still hurts to not take the chance every time because I want to be with her.

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You know what they say... [to paraphrase] Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the defination of insanity.


It sucks and hurts but sometimes you just got to go with the facts. When they see you aren't falling for the same song and dance and are ready to come to the table with sincere changes, then maybe it will work.

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thank you for the perspective. I have been angry and puzzled by the apology. I don't know how to interpret it, so I don't accept it.



"See how nice I am because I feel bad about breaking your heart?"

Exactly!! Does it really help exs assuage feelings of guilt? They decide to break everything off. Are they really feeling guilty? Do they even care ?

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