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Where to start...


I had a long distance relationship with this woman for slightly over a year (starting September 2004). She's 25, I'm 24. We are about 5 hours apart. Things were going very well until late this summer, talking about the future, me moving out there, things along those lines.


Things progressed downhill, and looking back they were my fault. I was recently (within the past 10 days) diagnosed as bi-polar. My condition caused a lot of the strife and problems within our relationship. I don't know why I cycled to what I ended up being, but I did. I'm on medication now, and feeling 100x better and very much like my old self.


I hurt her quite a bit due to not being myself. I don't remember a lot of things. I broke up with her and I don't even remember it. I regret so much now that I can look back on everything is so clear instead of foggy. Too many times I followed my head instead of my heart, but my head was more fxxxed up than anything imaginiable.


I love this woman with all my heart. Regardless of what I was doing or how I was acting, there was never a doubt in my mind how much I loved her or cared for her, nor hers. Until I did the unthinkable and broke it off in late october apparently.


We still talked as friends, but I know I wasn't myself. I tried to do everything I could to keep things going, but got frustrated and angered too easy. I was an entirely different person from who she really knew and who she fell in love with.


I kept pushing her for answers and to make things work, and drove her away. She's seeing someone else now, who I know vaguely. I know he's not right for her and he's more than likely going to end up taking advantage of her. He's also long distance, and about triple the distance I am.


The me she knows and loves is back. The one that hurt her so much emotionally isn't a part of me, its a part of a condition. A condition I let control me and my life, but I now control.


This girl knows I would go to the end of the earth for her. She knows we are and were made for each other. She knows how much I loved her and still do, and I know how much she loved me. She just can't trust me not to hurt her again.


How can I show her I'm myself again?

We've talked only a little since New Years, when I found out she spent time with the other guy. She says my friendship is important to her and that she still loves me, but can't trust me fully. I don't blame her for that.


I can't describe the way this woman makes me feel, and the amount of pain and regret I have for not having myself checked out sooner. I would do anything for her, and right now I'm giving her space and time to heal. I sent a long email this past Wednesday expressing everything I felt, and am going to call her tonight (after askign her permission to call) to tell her who I am and that I'll always be there for her. After that, I plan to give her and myself time to heal and adjust.


I wish her to be happy, and it may sound selfish, but I know I can (and did) make her happier than anyone else. I plan to be respectful to her wishes and her new relationship, but I want this girl back, because I made a terrible mistake.


I have no doubts that she and her new interest will not work out. I just need another chance for when that time comes. Anyone have suggestions on what I can do to help her see me for me again?

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Here's an idea. Forget about the woman who lives several area codes away and start dating women in your immediate viscinity so there is a chance that a healthy and fulfilling relationship may develop...one where you can see each other as much as you wish. LDR's are NOT healthy relationships. People are often in them as a result of their own issues with commitment and intimacy.

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