Is It Okay To Break "nc" To Become At Least Friends?

[preppyusa]

Okay, I'm really stumped at this one. I had been dating a woman for a little bit, and I broke it off and sort of, but not really initiated NC. I posted about this not too long ago in this thread:

 

The thing is, I'm really regretting walking away from this. I have not called or texted her, and she has not done the same, which really bothers me, because I really wanted her too. I know that your not supposed to do NC to "get someone back" or "make them realize what they had until its gone", you only use it to heal, which I did. But it doesn't feel right, and I want to be friends with her. I feel like she thinks I'm mad at her, but I'm not. I'm hurt and I don't understand her "confusion", but I've known her for a while, and I feel like I pushed her even more back to her ex. I have come so close to calling her, but I haven't. It's been over a week, and it's driving me crazy. In this situation, would it be okay to just call her, and bury the hatchet? I think me walking away from this game she played made her situation even better, and probably she went back with her ex. I feel like maybe I didn't give her enough time to sort out her feelings, but 2 months is alot of time, and it's like we got so close, and then she would back up. I just don't know what to do. I miss her, and I want to talk to her. Would it be alright if I called her and try to have a friendship at least? But I know that when I call her, I will probably want more than a friendship again. I'm emotionally attached to her, and this is such a sticky situation. This is killing me.

[nikkers04]

Call her and talk to her! If you regret walking away then maybe she does as well. You walked away from her...rejected her why would she want to call someone who does that to her?? The only thing you can do to really find out is call..if she doesn't answer and doesn't call you back then you know she isnt into you.

[Mattie]

If you're sure that you JUST want to be friends, there's no harm in calling her to tell her so.

[smittenkitten]

It sounds like it's still too soon for you to make that overture. I just read your initial post about the situation. You're risking a world of hurt by contacting her now.

 

I know I once met a guy right after a boyfriend broke up with me. I dated him even though I knew it was too soon, but even though I knew the ex-boyfriend was no good for me, I was still in love with him. However, I also had feelings for the new guy. I wound up getting into a relationship with the new guy, and then I started sleeping with the old boyfriend when he came sniffing around.

 

It was absolutely horrible. I broke the new guy's heart, and by the time I was "ready" for him (absolutely, 100% over the bad boyfriend), he'd had enough and walked away from me. I never heard from him again.

 

She very likely does have feelings for you, but you're going to have to be patient. VERY patient. It took me 6 months to get over the bad boyfriend. And I admit, I did use the new one as an emotional band-aid, but I also cared about him. And yes, I was very confused. I hated what I was doing but I felt powerless to stop it. Girls do get confused, too, ya know!

 

You really don't need that. You deserve someone who is very clear about wanting to be with you. I'm not saying your situation is exactly the same as mine was, but it sounds similar.

 

You'll know when & if it's time to contact her. You'll feel strong, and you'll know that you'll be OK whether she comes back into your life or not. I agree that she's not going to contact you, since you're the one who broke it off, and someday (not now!) it would be good for you to call her and say, "Hey, I miss you, I'd like to see you". Then take it slowly and see how it goes. Keep your eyes open for any signs that she's not over the guy yet. Of course by that time, you might have moved on & be over her.

 

Hang in there!

[preppyusa]

I know I once met a guy right after a boyfriend broke up with me. I dated him even though I knew it was too soon, but even though I knew the ex-boyfriend was no good for me, I was still in love with him. However, I also had feelings for the new guy. I wound up getting into a relationship with the new guy, and then I started sleeping with the old boyfriend when he came sniffing around.

 

Wow. Exact same situation as me, except she had dumped her boyfriend.

 

And I admit, I did use the new one as an emotional band-aid, but I also cared about him.

 

Yes, this is where I know now that this is all similar to yours. She told me she cared about me alot, wanted to be with me, but was always confused. I wouldn't say I was a "rebound", but I was definitely would say I was someone to fall back on I'm guessing.

 

You'll know when & if it's time to contact her. You'll feel strong, and you'll know that you'll be OK whether she comes back into your life or not. I agree that she's not going to contact you, since you're the one who broke it off, and someday (not now!) it would be good for you to call her

 

I really like what you said right here because your absolutely right. But the thing is, did I handle this right? Some people are saying she rejected me by saying to me "YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN ME". But some are not, because of my situation. Was I really getting rejected by her even though I was the first to say to her I can't do this anymore? This one is very hard to let go because it doesn't feel right, and with any other girl, it never mattered. I just want to know, in your opinion, do you think I was right in doing this, and also do you think me doing NO CONTACT with her might do something? I mean, how did you feel when the new guy you were seeing walked away. What did that do for you and what was your feelings about it? I hope to hear back from you. Thanks!

[smittenkitten]

No, I don't think she was rejecting you when she said "You deserve better than me". I think her self-esteem is in the toilet. I think she might have said that hoping you'd come back with, "No, you're wonderful, you're worth it, I don't want to be with anyone else and I'll wait as long as you need."

 

I think you're doing the right thing. How long ago did you start NC? When did she send that message? I think it would be OK for you to send her a card, saying "I just want you to know that I really care about you and I'd like to try this again when you're ready. At the very least, I'd like to continue being friends with you at some point down the road. Take all the time you need, but don't ever think it's too late to contact me when you're ready. We have too much history together to just say good-bye forever. I'll always be here for you, even if we're not 'meant to be' romantically."

 

Something like that. You can probably put your feelings into words better than I can!

 

I wish Mike had walked away from me early on, when he realized how confused I was. I wish he would have said something like that to me, so I'd know the door wasn't shut, that he wasn't rejecting me but just giving me time to heal from my last relationship. Unfortunately, we didn't do the smart thing. I did love him, and I couldn't let him go. Sadly, I couldn't let the jerk go, either.

 

When Mike finally walked away from me, it was too late. I was devastated because I knew I'd lost the best man I'd ever met. I chased him and chased him, called him, showed up at his house crying, begged & pleaded with him to give me another chance. He wouldn't even look at me. It was awful. The worst part was knowing that I'd destroyed it, and knowing that we could have had something really good together if we'd waited. (By the way, it wasn't him walking away that "pushed" me into feeling that way; it was the unfortunate coincidence that I realized I was over the jerk and ready for a real relationship with Mike EXACTLY when Mike decided he was 'done' with me!)

 

Years later, I still look back & wonder what might have been. I heard he'd gotten married a couple years ago & it made me sad, thinking "That could have been me".

 

Fortunately, I have enough faith that I've gotten over it, and I've been able to get some peace by telling myself that it just wasn't meant to be, maybe it wouldn't have worked even if we'd waited. But the point is, it didn't even have a CHANCE to work, the way we went about it. If you want to give your relationship with this girl the best possible chance it has, NC is the only option you have right now. Trying to have a friendship while you both still have feelings for each other sounds good in theory (I mean, you care about her, and something is better than nothing, right? WRONG!), but it won't work. Once she's processed her stuff with this guy & she's clear about her feelings, you can get back together, either as friends or lovers.

 

But do send her a note. ONE note, short & sweet, letting her know that you haven't closed the door on her forever. If she's in even half the pain and confusion I was in with my situation, she will be so glad to know that she hasn't lost you for good & that there's still a chance. (Just don't promise her your undying love, because who knows how long this will take... you might fall in love with someone else along the way!)

 

To bring this whole post down to it's essense: NC now= a chance for something in the future; Trying to have any type of relationship with her now= no chance!!!

 

I hope this helps. Feel free to email me again if you want, or we can keep talking here.

 

 

[smittenkitten]

One other thing about NC- it might make her panic & she might try to prematurely "decide" to be with you. Don't let her do this. Hopefully she'll just say yes, she needs some time. If she responds to your message or tries to get back with you too soon, keep the brakes on. You'll need to be really strong. Tell her she's not going to lose you, there's no rush, and you're not going to get involved with her until she's ready.

 

You want her to choose you because she's ready, not because she's panicking.

 

Of course there's always the possibility that she ultimately won't choose to be with you. That's tough, but only time will tell.

[Mattie]

One other thing about NC- it might make her panic & she might try to prematurely "decide" to be with you. Don't let her do this. Hopefully she'll just say yes, she needs some time. If she responds to your message or tries to get back with you too soon, keep the brakes on. You'll need to be really strong. Tell her she's not going to lose you, there's no rush, and you're not going to get involved with her until she's ready.

 

You want her to choose you because she's ready, not because she's panicking.

 

Of course there's always the possibility that she ultimately won't choose to be with you. That's tough, but only time will tell.

 

That is spot on.

 

Whenever I've done NC in the past, as soon as I hear from the person, I assume that it's worked and that they want me back. Before I know it, I'm jumping when they say jump and I'm playing into their hands once again.

 

I shall remember what you just said. Thanks!

[smittenkitten]

Yeah, I've got to remember that, too!

 

 

[preppyusa]

Hey, First Off I want to say thank you for getting back with me. I really like this website, and I like how people are giving me advice, BUT I have not followed anyone's advice to me, simply because they were not in this weird situation. You did answer alot of my questions, and I just have a few more from your recent post to me:

 

 

Quote:

How long ago did you start NC? When did she send that message?

 

 

I started it last Monday. We talked and that's when I told her that I just could not take this anymore. Her confusion was killing me, and that I had to move on. She said she understood and that she said she did not mean to hurt me. She was just not ready yet. And I told her that I will miss her and that I hope everything works out in the end for her. And that was it. Then the next night, she text messages me that "I Don't Deserve You" message. I never responded back or anything, and I haven't heard from her.

 

And the thing is, I really regret doing it now. I just know if I walk away like this completely, I know I'm just slapping life in the face.

 

 

Quote:

But do send her a note.

 

 

She loves text messages more than anything. I really like what you said in your post to say to her. I mean, you can't get much better than that. And I want to text her that. My question is when do I do that? I'm afraid that she might have run back to her ex since I broke it off with her, but I don't know. I want to text her that now, but I'm not. I want to know when you think is a good time to do this.

 

Believe it or not, you are my last hope. You were in this same situation, and I am very fortunate that you responded, because I was about to just give up and walk away. I'm hanging by a thread on this. And it's very very hard to let go, because when you know the chemistry is there, it's there no doubt. I pretty much know if I did send that text message, she would respond back. So pretty much it just boils down to this: When do I text her and if she responds, where do I go from there? Get back with me soon. Thanks

[smittenkitten]

Hey there! I just sent you a looooong email!!!