What direction is this going?

[romanticlover]

Hello, I have made a few posts in other topics and I thought I'd post here.

I was dealing with some jealousy/insecurity issues not too long ago and I have been working on them best I can. I tend to require a lot of emotional/sexual attention as I give a lot myself and I tend to expect that back from my girlfriend and since she is not like that, she gets very upset and feels I expect more all the time and it makes her feel she can't make me happy. I tell her time and time again how much I love her, how she makes me happy, but she feels I still complain and want more. Anyways, she told me to chill more and just go with the flow like her. We are 2 totally different people and opposites in a relationship, but I have been trying to chill out a bit and just go with the flow. It doesn't always feel like I am being myself, but I am also understanding where she is coming from. Much if it stems from my issues at times. Only thing is that most girls I have been with, were more like me but I always loose attraction for them. One thing that made me very upset is that my girlfriend said she doesn't need all the attention, romance, etc etc I give her. She said every so often is nice, but not required. Then she mentioned how all of her ex's were nice to here and how she never dated a scumbag. Well I took that personally and felt that what is the point if she will just be happy with any average guy being I am so much more than that. I always go out of my way to be sweet, romantic, loving etc more than the average guy. I hear more women complain that their men aren't like that at all. Well I felt really upset knowing she could be happy with just any guy and that what I do is a waste to me. Kinda like if she can be happy with someone less than me makes me feel not special at all. Really bugs me. Feel like telling her to just go back with an ex or find someone less than me. See now I require more from her and that's where it becomes an issue. What to do?

The main point of this post is where to go from here. We have been not having sex lately because she says I have made her feel like she can't please me, etc etc and she isn't good enough. She told me it has been eating away from her where she has lost a lot of her sex drive. I have felt the same way also just because she isn't having sex with me. I am a sexual guy and it really sucks. She told me she wants to build her feelings, desires towards me back up and just wants to hang out, me to chill a bit and just go with the flow and not pressure her. Sometimes I'm starting to feel like her friend more than a boyfriend. No lust, passion, etc etc. I mean we will kiss a little, hug, say I love you, but she keeps saying she needs to rebuild her feelings. I am trying to be patient but at times I feel I am going to loose my sex drive and attraction for her all together. I can masterbate, but I want to enjoy it with her. This bug could go for another month and how can I handle this? Is this going to get worse even if I go with her flo? Please help. Thanks

[Kaia]

Hi, from how she says you don't need to do all those romantic things, it sounds like you might be smothering her. And she feels suffocated from the attention. It makes her feel guilty because she feels she should do the same to you because you are making her your universe. Are you building your life around her? You need to live your own life first and not try to live hers. She need space and she wants to live her life with you in it, not having you two both living her life. Don't over-analyze the past boyfriends part unless she brings it up often.

 

It sounds a lot like my past relationship. I didn't get why I was still upset even though my ex did a lot for me. And sexually it was never enough for him either. I lost my drive also because he kept asking for it constantly. Later on it felt like he's being nice to me just so he can get some. I felt guilty also because even when we engaged in sexual activities, it felt more like a gf duty for me, and it would still not be enough for him because he would ask for it again soon.

 

I think you need to completely back off. Give her some space to think. I think you're thinking more on the line of "i'm doing everything for you, i just want you to be happy." She would think that it's her fault for not being happy. And since "all you want" is for her to be happy, she feels that she can't make you happy because she isn't happy. Does that make sense? That's how i felt anyway in my situation. I hope this might give you some idea of what she could be feeling right now. For me it took some looking-back to realize what was happening.

[NJRon]

I have had similar issues in the past... on both sides of the coin. People are attracted to, and respect, people with their own lives. Their own ambitions, goals, activities, etc. Just back off a bit and focus on your *own* life.

[romanticlover]

Wow Kaia! interesting reply. Seems like the exact same situation. I can almost feel what she is feeling based on what you said. I have been trying to back off a bit and not smother her. Sometimes I feel that there are plenty of girls that want all that attention and will give it back. I guess I am used to dating girls between 21-25 and I am 31. My girlfriend now is 33 with a daughter and works. About the sex, I am a sexual guy and I can go every day having it. She on the other hand isn't. I really understand how you felt when you said your boyfriend would be nice just to get it. I really don't want to do that, but I kinda do expect it alot more. I hope I really didn't mess her up in her sex drive as well as emotionally. Trust me I have been affected by this also. It is going to take me more to get into it cause my drive is going away baed on the fact that I have no idea when she is going to feel better about this situation. She might come around and I could have lost all my feelings by then. I'm sure it's not easy for both of us. I just feel like , how can she NOT just feel liek making love when she loves me, is attracted to me, lays next to me in bed, etc etc. I can just kiss her and easly get into it. Are all women's mind like that? I mean it's important for me to be into it mentally, but I can block it out. What do you think?

[Kaia]

Hmm. It took me some thinking and the post is longer than i thought! Hope it helps. This is just from what I think when I look back so I'm not sure if it will work. Good luck!

 

 

It sounds like she has a lot of things on her plate right now. Are you as busy as she is? In my situation, things started degrading because I was constantly working (mentally exhausted) and he had too much free time. Then I'd come home and find a horny bf. All I want is to be held and feel loved,and have someone to listen to me whine about the stresses (sorry, girls like me are like that ). But often enough he would start trying to arouse me. I knew exactly why he started touching me and it annoyed me => made me angry => no sex drive. And then I would feel bad afterward because all these mean I either don't enjoy it or we just don't do it.

 

I think what you should do is to talk with her about it from a different angle. Sounds like you have had some discussions before already, but you two might not realize where the real issue is. Tell her that you genuinely want the situation to improve so she feels better about the relationship. Tell her you don't want to lose her and from now on you will not initiate anything unless she starts (i.e. go with her flow), only follow what she does. If you really stick to this then it takes the pressure off of her... So the next time you hold her close she would only feel how you want her to feel better, not how you want to go to the next step.

 

I'd say give her some time where you absolutely not start anything. In this period, don't say anything like "i really want to make love with you because i'm so attracted to you", or questions like "why don't you want to do that anymore?" Don't even mention anything sexual.

 

But you don't want to be a doormat either. So try to give her space as long as you can tolerate (at least a week). Then the next time she does something she likes but you know it would make you want something more, e.g., maybe when she kisses/caresses you senusally? don't kiss her back. And tell her that you just can't stand her kissing you like that anymore because it makes you want her badly. Give her a little peck and walk away. She would probably change her behaviour / have a talk in the next few days, for better or worse.

 

By this you've done three things:

1. show her that you're seriously trying to improve this situation for her benefit as well. (you can tell her you've tried asking in forums and realize you really are smothering her)

2. show her you respect her decision to go with her flow

3. let her know there is a limit to how far you would wait. Since you have done #2, she would realize #3 is reasonable and react to it.

[romanticlover]

Wow, you are amazing. Great advice. I have told her that I want to go with her flow more. She told me actions speak louder than words so I guess I just have to prove it. You really seem to be alot like her in ways. Really helps me see it how she would. Thanks so much for the advice.

[romanticlover]

Hey, I hung out with her tonight and we have just been chilling lately, watching movies, dinner, nice casual stuff. Only prob is that I am having a hard time dealing with her showing no signs of intimacy. No heavy kissing, etc etc. I din't understand how she couls see me, lay next to me, touch me , etc etc and have no desire or make any moves on me or towards me. Soon she will be getting her period and that will make it last longer. She even told me new years she would be more aggressive towards me. I know that this is the patience phase on my end waiting for her to come around, but if it's so easy for her to be nice and loving towards me, how can it be so hard for her to make a move towards me. I really love her and I am trying to be patient, but it seems like this is going to b harder than I thought. I LOVE spending time with her, but I just can't help getting hurt in the process. I really hope in the long run that this will work out instead of her driving me to loose my feelings and attraction cause she made me wait too long. hmmm