I feel like we're misunderstanding eachother completely...

[xmrth]

I've been trying to make sense of what my problem is and I think I finally figured out what's stirred me up so much because I posted about it the other night but it wasn't really a question; it was just all these things from a conversation my boyfriend and I had.

 

We were talking about all these things, one of them being about how much time we can spend together. Since his friends have been home on leave, he's spent the last couple of weeks mostly with them and I didn't get to see him as much. It really bothers me... and I wasn't over the top complaining, but it -was- a complaint I had for every time I saw him... which I said something to him first thing every time. Whenever I have an issue I want to talk to him about, I talk to him about it as soon as he sits down in my room so that I can get it off my chest, and we can enjoy the rest of our night after we talk about it, rather than halfway through the night and then the rest of the night is just recovering from that...

 

So I have been putting a lot of pressure on him with how much time we get to spend (two nights a week because of schedules... Friday and Saturday nights-- The ONLY time he has to either see me or see his friends, and unless his friends are home on leave, he is always always with me)

 

Well since he's going to be working full-time again (in school now) he'll have even LESS time to see me... but my complaints were about not seeing him as much because of his friends, not because of work! And I explain this to him...

 

Then we started talking about how he's afraid about what's going to happen because it's only going to get worse with my complaints on how much I get to see him... but this was a long 3 weeks and it probably seemed like it's been this way for a while, especially because of the hanging with his friends thing-- he likes to just be with his friends alone and not have to have me tag along: an ongoing issue with us.

 

So he started saying that if it continues when he goes to work, we will break up and I'm just really shooken up about it. It's not like it's the first time we've ever talked about it, but we RARELY ever do... rarely... like maybe once in the past 3 years (6 years together) It wasn't like he was looking me in the eyes, saying it so seriously-- but he would NOT say something he wasn't serious about, so it doesn't matter how he says it.

 

We made up though, and I tried to explain to him what I could... about how I feel... we talked about living together-- our next step. We had our usual good time together... but I just feel shooken up.

He doesn't talk to me about what is on his mind-- he expects me to know, but always, ALWAYS tells me "If I have a problem, I will tell you." but it seems like he had that on his mind for a while before he finally decided to tell me. He also seems to expect me to automatically know things without him having to tell me, and when he tells me finally, he acts like why don't I know? That's not an extreme thing but when it happens, like this, it certainly is...

 

So, I don't know... I don't like that we were talking about breaking up, or that he would... he expresses a lot "we've been together for 6 years" as in him saying why would he break it off with me over just anything. But it bothers me so much... I am afraid that I'm doing things wrong that I don't realize, and I won't until he tells me... but he always says he'd tell me if he had a problem, but when he does, it's like it's so late that I can't control myself because I'm so upset and I can't even focus on not complaining over stupid things, for example. And there are some stupid things I complain about.

 

I just feel like I've been making some bad mistakes and bad misconceptions... there's so much more to it, too. Like there's things I've gotten way upset over and caused us so much grief that wasn't necessary at all... I trust him in the way you'd first think of what trust is, but I haven't been trusting his opinion on things... and whenever I realize this and I see that I'm really wrong for a lot of things, and I should have trusted what he's telling me. All these misconceptions... I feel like I've ruined everything and I'm afraid he won't give me a chance to prove, for one thing, that I won't be all upset that he's going back to work full time... I feel like he doesn't believe me, and I really don't care! I'll see him when I can, but I don't know... things have been fine since this conversation-- right after it, and today. So maybe I don't know... I'm just shooken up and I feel like he's misunderstanding me.

 

There seems to be soo many times that I get upset about something, and bring it out in the worst way, all for me to have misunderstood him... and then there's things that I'm showing him in that, and in other things, that he's getting the wrong idea about me and how I feel, and how I'll be, and all these other things. We just misunderstand eachother... because we're apparently not saying what we're trying to say right.

 

 

__Martha

[melrich]

Hi Xmrth, I'm sorry that your b/f mentioned that to you.

 

First, don't blame yourself for raising these issues. They are very valid issues and you had every right to raise them.

 

Unfortunately what happens when you start to bring things to a head is that both parties are forced to look at the situation and make some honest assessments.

 

I think a few members here have been saying for a while that you guys have this relationship on 2 different levels, you one and he another.

 

Now you have for some time been raising issues about the fact (both to him and to eNotalone) that there is a part of his life that you are not a party to.

 

I don't know what is in your b/fs head but his response just affirms to me that he has a different view of this relationship. His view seems to be that the amount of contact time is about right and he doesn't want to compromise other activities to keep the relationship going.

 

Your view is that you would like more contact and involvement in his life.

 

I think in some ways what your boyfriend said to you was very courageous and in a strange way, very loving. In a subtle way his message was "I cannot give you what you want, I don't want you to be miserable, it may be that we have to break up".

 

So again I think the choice for you is to accept what you have got in order to try and stay together or push for what you want but risk losing the relationship.

[xmrth]

I think in some ways what your boyfriend said to you was very courageous and in a strange way, very loving. In a subtle way his message was "I cannot give you what you want, I don't want you to be miserable, it may be that we have to break up".

 

I've been trying to figure out how he could say that while saying how long we've been together, and telling me how he has no complaints about me and is happy, and saying that it's obvious I'm not happy... and saying that I should be with someone who will do all these things I want (bring me with friends, basically. But not sure if he was just saying it for the matter or if he meant it that way) and I haven't been able to figure it out at all, but that sounds like it could be it. That he doesn't want me to be miserable so he'd break up with me.

 

That completely reminds me of something that I think might be worth mentioning, and that is what happened 2.5 years ago. He was strongly considering joining the army (as of now, he is definitely not going to be) and he told me we'd have to break up because if we were still together and he was gone, that I would "be in the house all day locked in my room waiting for him" and I'd never go out, so if he went, he'd have to end it with me. Basically saying to not wait for him and go be with other people...

 

It's like he loves me enough to let me go, but all this time, I always thought it just meant he didn't care. I mean, there's other instances but I won't mention absolutely everything, but I'm just now realizing this, as I type, that that is what he's been about. This is really something completely different from what I've ever posted about; I've never posted about this other than my thread right before this one.

 

Well... after all the times we've talked about it and I've complained and we've gone through this with him not inviting me with friends, it's just not worth losing him over... it's something I want enough to complain about because it hurts me, but it's just not worth losing him over. I'm realizing that's just his way of being a 21 year old guy but still being faithful to his girl... just wanting time with his friends, but in every other way he's doing all he can for and with me. He talks to me like he just does NOT understand how I could not know this, but he's never actually said it to me like that. It's yet another thing I'm realizing.

 

I think that mostly all of this emotion is me not sure if it's too late, or really just me finally realizing things a little late, but not too late.

 

For some reason this was one of the hardest responses I've written because these things didn't just don on me; I was emotional and thinking and considering the whole way through. I just feel like for the longest time, to everyone, him myself and everyone, I haven't been thinking clearly or listening clearly or explaining clearly because of not thinking or listening clearly... and things like that.

[annie24]

I agree with Melrich. He's trying to be kind. He sees that you're not happy with the relationship, and he can't help having work and school, and in his point of view, he is giving you as much as he can. He figures that you are still not happy, and he wants you to be happy, so he thinks breaking up may be an option to solve the problem.

 

I know as much as you say that you are happy with him, you aren't because you're posting quite frequently about issues in your relationship. It's an awful lot of anxiety!!!

[annie24]

I've been trying to figure out how he could say that while saying how long we've been together, and telling me how he has no complaints about me and is happy, and saying that it's obvious I'm not happy... and saying that I should be with someone who will do all these things I want (bring me with friends, basically. But not sure if he was just saying it for the matter or if he meant it that way) and I haven't been able to figure it out at all, but that sounds like it could be it. That he doesn't want me to be miserable so he'd break up with me.

 

I know you say you don't bring up complaints very often, but he can still feel your emotions. He can still sense that you are unhappy. And no one wants to be with a person who is always dissatisfied with the relationship. It doesn't feel emotionally good and he knows you don't feel good, so maybe he's looking at breaking up as a way to make you feel better. You know, so you can meet someone who has time to spend 5 nights a week with you.

[xmrth]

I really don't know how much the things that I post about bother me. I don't know what brings them out, mainly it's the friends thing and partially but mostly during certain times it's how much I can see him, but I don't know if it's just my anxiety/insecurity that brings it out or comments received that amplify it. I really don't know how much things bother me because when I really think about it and put things into perspective, I can live with it or I see that it's not a problem. It's mostly things in the past that people have TOLD me are a problem, that never bothered me before and I was okay with. I eventually gained my own opinion back, but I don't know about other things... I guess what matters is that it bothers me in general... but I really don't know.

 

Having my boyfriend see me for 5 nights a week isn't want I want. If I could see him just one more day that would be enough. The other thing is the friends thing, I'd like to go out with him and his friends, but it's not something I need so badly. I think what I would really like is to just meet them, but I seem to be trying to get him to take me out like I'm one of the guys or something.

 

I think I've been dealing with everything wrong; I don't know how to describe it. It's like, how do I know the things that bother me -really- bother me? Or have I just been led to believe that they do and that things are wrong, and things like that. I just wonder because if I can live with it, I don't know how much things really bother me or if it's just being blown out of proportion.

[Vanilla]

hey xmrth

 

sorry this is happening.

 

This is my opinion from what I perceive- I perceive your boyfriend entering his 20's and possibly starting to feel a bit smothered. I feel that he loves you and cares for you very deeply so he says things in a softer tone to not hurt your feelings like "I think you deserve someone better..." or "I dont want you to be locked up waiting for me"...

 

I am not saying he's being snakey or anything, but I think he's trying to cut off in the nicest way possible.

 

I also think that maybe when he says "we've been together for 6 yrs" it means "you should know i care about you" but it may also mean "its been 6 yrs, maybe we need to take time"...I could be wrong but it could be so.

 

The mere fact that he mentions break up means he is considering it but probably is too scared to hurt you, or doesnt know how since you too have been together for so long.

 

also about his friends, if after all this time he still refuses to take you,he probably never will and you can either accept it, or you're in a rut because he'llnever change that.

 

He knows you dont accept that so he probably feels really pressured, making him feel like he has to choose between you or hisfriends, his work, etc. because he feels he can't have both by your needs and complaints.

 

Not to say your needs are not justified. I dont understand why he can't at least introduce you over dinner or some drinks...but Im just saying in my opinion that iswhat makes sense to me.

[Pixiemeat]

I think he's sounding out that breaking up is something he may want to do. The ongoing friends issue, the work, the unwillingness to move in, the fact that you don't seem happy with the relationship, it all points to breaking up. You may have spent six years together, but the 21-30 years are really important in terms of growing up together, experiencing more of the world (jobs, houses, friendships, feelings for other people etc) - do you think you have what it takes to stay together for these years? His comments attest to the fact that he's not so sure.

[RayKay]

Honestly, in some ways it sounds like he is testing the waters, 6 years together or not, people don't mention breaking up lightly unless they have thought of it, or can see it happening in the future. Whether the reason he places on it is his working or not (mind you..many people work full time jobs and more, and still have time and want to be in relationships), the very fact he even brought it up, indicates to me it IS indeed on his mind in some way.

 

He may be feeling quite pressured right now, or a need to be on his own. Again, this is not surprising. While you say you are happy (which I don't think is entirely true due to your posts) and know that you don't want to be with anyone else, or to date, or to be single, that does not necessarily mean HE feels the same way. Even if you had NO issues, and never brought anything up, he can still FEEL your energy, and he can still FEEL a need to be on his own and free of the responsibilities of a relationship right now.

 

It does not mean he does not care for you, or love you, but I think he is starting to experience a stage of "is this really it?". Is this how I want things to be for the rest of my life? Is this how love is supposed to feel? Is this what I want in a marriage? Is this the woman I can see having and raising children with? Does she accept me for me, do I accept her for her? Is our love healthy? While YOU may be sure, or believe you are sure, he may not. Most people don't at that age, or with very limited experience, and very little time on their own.

 

Now, as for the other issues...like with his friends. I honestly don't believe that will ever change. I think he has made it pretty clear he has no intention of changing things, even after a few conversations. And while it bothers you, it does not bother you enough to leave, so he will keep doing as is anyway. So I think you are going to have to decide whether to just accept it, or move on. Because nagging is NOT going to get you anywhere, neither are the talks, or discussions. You know that from past experience already. This is just whom he is, for whatever reason. So you do need to stop complaining to him about it, either way.

 

Honestly, I really think you two are on different pages in this relationship. I think you have different outlooks on what means to you, about where you see the future. I think you have different "priorities".

 

I don't know if you ARE going to end up breaking up or not, I don't. A lot depends on what happens over the next while, what changes occur in both of you, how you grow together or apart. But I do think you need to stop worrying so much about the future, take things day by day, and take pressure OFF him, and off you, and off the relationship.

[xmrth]

He's talking more about when he goes back to work full time where he may not see me for 2 weeks at a time (70+ hours a week of work) and things like that. Because he's going to be going through so much and he doesn't need me complaining I can't see him.

I assured him it's different as it's work, and it is. So we'll see; I think he just needs to be proven other than with words that I'll not be so bothered... I've got my own things with the next semester and picking up a second job since the one I have now has no hours, but when it gives me some, I'll be very busy myself. If anything, I'll just work more as well if he's not around and save up.

Over the summer I was talking about marriage with him and we talked about breaking up... because he wouldn't talk about it-- I understand more about that now as we're talking about living together, THEN marriage, whereas I thought it was the other way around with him. So it's not the first time we've talked about it like this... the both of us, even me.

 

We started talking about it because I was upset he couldn't spend so much time with me this weekend and I was a bit in a huff about it. Then he ended up seeing me yesterday, a day he always has to himself. That's how the conversation started, and he explained to me that when his friends are back, he just wants to spend time with them and he sees me too, but when they aren't back on leave, he spends Fri/Sat nights with me for so much time... it's just been such a long 3 weeks with his friends back and it started to bother me that I couldn't see him as much.

 

I'm stopping talking about the friends thing... it's not worth all of this.

He seems serious about us but does he really mean it could be over so easily? ...he told me yesterday and the day before that he will talk to me and tell me if there's a problem and that everything's fine between us and things like that... and we were talking about moving in together and all these things about what's coming next; we talked about this yesterday.. I'm just hoping there's something I can do to get past this. I feel like I come to understand everything when it's almost too late. Is it really too late..?

[RayKay]

I don't think its "too late". If you are talking and communicating about it, that's a good step. I think it was rather painful for him to have said "we might have to break if off" and expect you NOT to think about that, and it does make me wonder what is going on in his head....but I think you have to not dwell on it either.

 

Are you okay living together first? Do you have a timeline for that, and for when you would get married, does he share same timeline?

 

You know...it IS okay to make sure you are on the same page and discuss what you expect from this relationship long term. If one of you wants marriage and another does not for example, those are things that should be known and not "forsaken" for each other. It just may mean you are on different levels. I think you should never deny yourself what YOU also desire just to keep someone happy.

[Vanilla]

i dont know if it is too late or not. I am sure that after 6 years this guy must care so much about you, its not evenfunny! But from the sounds of it, I think he is struggling with his decisions right now.

 

Breakup, and talk about break up is something serious and hes obviously putting thought into it.

 

Just ask him to be honest about this especially because it would be unfair to you to paint you one pretty picture not to hurt your feelings when his intentions are another.

 

I am not saying he is doing that on purpose...but this guy really cares about you, so it must be so hard for him.

 

I hope it all works out and that you too find a solution for it. But if the subject of breakup is brought up again by him, then I think thats yet again a big red flag flashing you down...don't ignore it.

 

I mean I have been with my boyfriend for half the time you two have been together, and my g uy is around the same age as yours...and sometimes they're still little boys trying to find themselves...some are ready to go on, some realize at one point maybe they're not sure. Make sure you're well informed about how he feels in this area. He may say one thing, because he doesnt have the courage to let you know how he really feels..that maybe he is scared,pressured, uncertain, etc.. you know guys dont like saying things like these sometimes...

 

Best of luck!

[xmrth]

I'm fine with living together first; I only wanted marriage first because I thought that was how it was going to be with him-- him wanting to be engaged, and then live together, but it's the opposite come to find out. I've caused a lot of grief over this issue... because if he wants to live together first then I'm fine with it! So all this commotion over the years... when we could have been talking about living together. But who knows if before recent months he felt that way..? So maybe it was a good thing I didn't try for living together until he himself brought it up.

It will be as soon as we have money for a house, so it could be a couple of years. And then engagement would be next, within I'm not sure how long, maybe a year or 2, or maybe even less depending on how long it feels like we've been living together and how things go. We talked about these things yesterday so I wonder if that means things will be fine? Because he wouldn't just talk about it...

 

I have no idea if it's just because I was upset I'd not be seeing him yesterday, which he ended up coming over, that brought it out or what... because him going back to work will take up so much time, like I said I think 2 weeks could go by without us seeing eachother... and he sees how upset I get by only seeing him one day instead of two.

I am either sure he was just saying it because I was just really upset I wasn't seeing him as much when his friends or back, or I'm making myself paranoid and thinking he is so serious about it and all of that.. I mean I don't know if he means that it's because he thinks I'll give him hell if I can't see him.. because I get really really upset if I can't for whatever reason, but it's usually because he CAN come by, like yesterday, and then he ended up doing so.

 

I think he just wants me to be understanding of how little time he might have for me, and I don't know if I let him know enough how fine I am with him having to work... I don't like talking over the phone about serious issues, so I have to wait until I see him this weekend to say anything. I might just say it to him anyway this week.. just to let him know and we'll really talk about it over the weekend so he understands... because he's misunderstanding me based on how I act over other things...

 

Here I am complaining... and honestly, I wonder if *I* heard him well enough. I can't remember all of our conversation following this, but HE actually ended up blaming my mood/feelings on the subject of not seeing him on my period and that was why I was mad that I may not have been able to see him yesterday (that convo was the day before yesterday-- same day as the convo in question, right after it). And he said when I asked him if we could put it behind us, that he said yes, and if he was mad, he said no, and if it changed anything, and he said no... and I looked him in the eyes and didn't blink once, and told him "If there's a problem, you have to tell me because I don't know unless you do!" and he said "obviously I'd tell you if there's a problem." but still, I don't know. I was still upset yesterday because I asked him to stay longer because he was going to go home after having been here for about 2 hours. He stayed longer and I was upset later and called him to say sorry I made him stay. He said "If I wanted to go, I would have gone" or something like that, saying that even though I asked him to stay, HE was the one who stayed and it wasn't because I asked him and that I shouldn't apologize and that there's no problem..

 

So I'm either blowing the world out of proportion or I don't even know.

[annie24]

I think he just wants me to be understanding of how little time he might have for me, and I don't know if I let him know enough how fine I am with him having to work...

 

That's an interesting sentence. If he wants to be able to afford a house one day, he has to work! You know that. Somehow, saying that you are "fine with having him work" almost seems like you're giving him permission to work, and I can see how he might be offended by such a statement and might take it to mean other stuff. He doesn't need or want your permission to work, so he may feel resentful about you bringing it up in such a way.

 

Have you two discussed your longterm goals? ie, since you are buying a house, does that mean you are going to stay for a long time in that area? Will you two both be able to find jobs in this area?

[xmrth]

We will be settling in in preparation for the long run. That is why we are not spending money on an apartment and would be going straight for a house.

I didn't really mean it like that as I told him the difference-- that I get upset when you don't see me when you CAN, but if you're working, I understand you can't and need your own time even more if you even have that.. etc.

[annie24]

Ok, so he is making plans with you for the long run. Well, that's a good sign.

 

On the other hand, he's making all these long term plans with you, but you clearly aren't happy with how the relationship is progressing. Is this really the right man for you? Because I don't think it will get better if you're married or living together. Like we said in previous posts, that would just be all the more reason for him to spend time away from you and with his guy friends. After 6 years, you have a pretty good idea of what a person is like.

 

Maybe this is all the time he can give you, and maybe you would be better off with someone who has more time for a relationship?

[xmrth]

Well, I can't see my therapist for another week (or two, not sure) and I've been thinking about these things so much...

He is definitely someone who I want to be with for the rest of my life; it's true, I do have a good idea of the type of person he is. With the friends thing, it brings up an interesting thought... such as when we run into his friends while out of if they've ever come by his house over the summer when we're outside, he introduces me and tries to include me-- but it's never him BRINGING me out... however I wonder if things are different when he's not really in control like that? Such as, people stopping by to see US or just anything that he has no control over.. I wonder if a lot of that would help, or if it gives an idea of how our life will be while living together. He doesn't seem opposed to bringing me places when I'm 21... I was told by my therapist to just wait until then, but not only did I just right now as I'm writing this remember, but it still bothered me so much that I HAD to say something.

I was thinking about how I started to care? I think people on here pointed out "well how about hanging with his friends?" and I started to feel like wow what's the problem, why not? But I guess I always felt like he should but never really put enough thought into it. I think I would have started to say something to him eventually.

 

Right now I am so concerned about him leaving me for "MY" own good... but I'm so happy with him; I wonder if I make him feel like he's making me miserable?

In our recent conversations, Sunday night (after he saw me) and today, he sounds very sullen... well, just not like himself, but I know enough in my right mind that it's a lot to do with me being paranoid. He's not THAT different-- it's like if you listen to someone breathe and then they breathe a little different for a second, it's like something's not right. It's like that. He is good to me but over the phone he HAAATES the phone... and can be cranky. Whenever he's not, I always think something's wrong.

Sunday night he was getting ready for bed... telling me "nothing's wrong, if anything was wrong I'd tell you, stop apologizing, etc." and then I gave him a break yesterday on my own will, and just didn't call him. I do that every week-- a day or two I won't call him. I usually don't just a day of the week on my busier days.

Well today I had some good news about school/work to tell him but he was in class. He obviously got himself out to talk, but he wasn't like "I'm in class!! I have to go!" He actually talked to me and was all calm.. tonight he said it was just because he was in school.

Now tonight he just listened to me telling him more of what I was going to tell him earlier. He was regular, but I was thinking about earlier and when I asked him I also asked him if he was okay. He just said "mm hmm" which he never does-- he'll just say it. And then I kept asking "Are you okay, is everything okay?" etc etc.. I know I shouldn't have. I don't know if he was laying down or what and I bothered him, but I get so paranoid.

 

After all that I've said in this post, am I really just paranoid? I'm so afraid that now he'll leave me because he sees he's not giving me what I want-- just to talk a little longer (seemingly I do, I know) or this or that... I don't know.

 

Well that's what I'd tell my therapist but I have to wait until a time slot that's open... I'm making the schedule tomorrow but it could be 1 or 2 weeks because everyone's booking with her I'm sure.

 

If anyone can talk to me about this, I would really appreciate it... I'm not a wreck (because of seeing a therapist! Thankfully!) but it IS on my mind... and I can't shake it.

Sorry this was so long.

[melrich]

After all that I've said in this post, am I really just paranoid?

 

I don't think you are paranoid but I do think you have abdicated your life to your boyfriend.

 

Now you are analysing everything. You really have to stop all this. It is leading only one way and I am unsure how many different ways we can give you the same advice.

 

I think even your boyfriend is waiting for you to put your foot down and show some spirit, show that you are an independent individual.

 

I think you have to work on that majorly.

[xmrth]

That could be very true... I have tried to point out things to him though that show I'm independent, but is it really the right kind of independence he's looking for...?

Such as, I go out and I do things, this that, things with friends, things for me, not a crazy amount, but it's there.

Today I got my semester's schedule and I'm maxed out on how many courses I can take-- a full work load, and my own choice. And I also applied for a second job today and was told I'd be interviewed very soon. Things like that?

I feel like I've done so much to show it but... I think it has to go on longer, and I agree, not so much a life for him, but more for me. Maybe not even so much as to point it out so much... but I feel like it's the only way he'll know is if I point it out and say it.

 

Sorry I'm saying so much . ...so much detail. I just have to get it out there..

[melrich]

No Xmrth, it has nothing to do with what activities you do.

 

It is all to do with how closely your happiness and state of mind is linked to your boyfriend.

 

Humans are extremely intelligent and perceptive creatures. If my partner was analysing, contemplating and just generally emotionally and physically responding to every gesture or word I uttered, I would know it. Your boyfriend knows it.

 

He doesn't know what to do about it. He's at a loss.

[xmrth]

I hate to put this on you and ask... but what is it that I can do?

Stop asking if things are wrong.. stop being sensitive over things I'm really fine about (more things I'm talking about with my therapist...)

 

I don't know what to do, or what to say to him now. I never thought about all that before . . I know it's a lot to do with what's been said in the post, but I still never thought about it in that way..

[melrich]

I hate to put this on you and ask... but what is it that I can do?

 

OK I'll have a crack at this but remember it is my opinion and it is just based on what I interpret from your posts.

 

I think its very, very hard to break dynamics of a relationship that have been in place for so long.

 

I have read a lot of your posts over the last 12 months or so and I think I am getting a clearer picture of what is going on in your relationship.

 

I do think your boyfriend feels the "burden" of responsibility for your happiness. I think one of the reasons he takes so much time to himself is that he feels smothered by your presense, that he needs clear air and often. To me this is why he is hinting he would be prepared to break up with you than spend more time with you. I think time with you drains him.

 

The reason for all this is because you are almost fine tuned to his moods and any interaction you have with him. Your mood goes up and down dependent on where you see the status of the relationship.

 

That is the nexus I think you somehow have to break. And I don't know how you do it it because my guess is it is a persionality thing. I think you are probably a person that requires a lot of re-assurances about things, I think you crave security and you don't handle change very well.

 

None of these things are things you can easily change.

 

Compounding that I think your boyfriend may be the opposite. I think he likes a fairly carefree life at this time. I don't think he wants to be carrying a lot of responsibility right now and i think he is doing everything he can to stave off formal commitments.

 

So I don't know what you do about it because I don't think you are willing to take what are probably very difficult steps for yoy to take to try and see if you can work something out. More importantly I don't think you are willing to risk your relationship and i think that is what you have to do.

[xmrth]

Thank you so much for your response.

 

That's what I have been thinking about too... it being more of my personality and just simply being how I am. I feel like those things can change because I have already come a long way. But I still think it's a big part of who I am, and I can either set it aside more easily or it's just going away entirely; I'm not sure.

 

I don't know if talking to him about it, letting him know I understand these things we're talking about here because I've realized a LOT in just two days, plus this now.

 

I just don't know what to do; I feel like it's too late now.. everything seemed fine and now with realizing and understanding more, I wonder if it really was or if it changed or what.. . I think it took me way too long to get to this point.. I couldn't understand certain things until other things were out of the way, like my anxiety for example. With each less thing in the way, the more I understand.. . and I feel like i've still got too far to go ....

[RayKay]

Very well, well said by melrich.

 

To me, it is this that I mean when I say you are just growing differently, and in very different places in this relationship with each other.

 

And I agree with melrich, I also think to change the patterns your relationship is in, does require risking losing it. I honestly believe this is the way your boyfriend is just going to BE with you because the dynamics are so ingrained, and it's the way the personalities have become. Which is why I also believe he is pulling away as he realizes this, and wants to develop whom he is independent of all of this pressure and responsibility.

[annie24]

I agree wholeheartedly with Melrich. I think he does feel really responsible for your happiness and that must scare him and he probably finds it draining, and maybe that's why he doesn't bring you along to meet his friends and doesn't spend more time with you. Maybe he needs complete time apart.

 

I myself has some serious anxiety issues, but mostly having to do with career issues and studying. I'm one of those people that "blank" when I'm nervous and can't concentrate. I've been going to therapy and I've started on anti-anxiety medication also, and I've found it really really to help me.

 

I'm a naturally "excitable" person. As was my mother and grandmother. I do think it's genetic. My meds are really helping me calm down and be able to dissect what is worth getting freaked out about, and what isn't. Has your therapist discussed you getting on meds for your anxiety issues? It may be a great help...