Whoops--sent the email...what now?

[quickquestion]

I've posted before about getting back together last month with my ex-boyfriend from seven years ago who is now long distance and started off really hot and heavy, but then kinda backed off.

 

I feel like we have a history, we already know each other, and we don't need to play any games. We discussed the fact that we are mature, we know what we want, and we know the ultimate goal of any relationship is marriage. I also am contemplating a big move accross the country with my job, and would consider not moving if things were to work out with us.

 

Anyway, this morning I sent the 'we're not connecting quite as well as we were last month, i'm really enjoying getting to know you again, i'm interested in seeing how this all turns out, what are you thinking, give me a call' e-mail.

 

Have I totally messed up? I know that we're not supposed to ask this stuff, but I also don't like the idea of just sitting around to wait and see what happens. How should I handle myself if this guy responds? How should I handle myself if he doesn't?

[DN]

i think it's fine. You are not kids, you have to get your life in order and you need to know where you stand. It was not pressuring just expressing a concern.

[Boricua7]

I agree with DN. You have a big decision to make and have the right to find out exactly where it is that the two of you stand. You haven't messed up at all. Taking the initiative to figure things out as opposed to sitting around and waiting is smart.

[quickquestion]

Is there anything I can do besides just accept that it's over and leave him alone? I feel stupid for pushing the issue and sad that I scared him away. I really thought that I would be able to work it out with the one who got away...

[Boricua7]

Unfortunately, no. All you can do right now is accept that it's over and be his friend if you can handle that. You pushed him away so it is going to take time for him to "come around" again (as a friend). If you honestly think that you can work things out my advice to you is to just give it time. Time is a miracle worker. Either a) it will bring the two of you closer because you will realize that you don't want to be with anyone else or b) it will help you to forget about him, find someone new, and make you wonder why in the world you wanted him so badly when you could've been happier.

[smittenkitten]

I feel stupid for pushing the issue and sad that I scared him away.

 

Noooo!!! Try not to think like this! I think your email was just fine! Perfect, actually! You weren't needy or clingy, it was very natural & actually very light. There's nothing wrong with expressing your concern- if you'd emailed him and said, "I want you so much, I need you and I love you, I want to marry you and have 20 children, please please rescue me from the gaping emotional black hole that is my life because you are my universe and I can't live without you!!!"... then yes, you could take credit for scaring him away!

 

When people break up, it's for a reason, and whatever that reason is, it doesn't usually change enough for the relationship to work the second time. That's a massive generalization of course; I know that sometimes people come back together after a long time apart, realize that they're soul mates, get married & live happily ever after- I just think that's the exception, not the rule.

 

You're doing OK. Better you should find this out now than after you're married with 20 children!

 

I have a theory that if someone is right for you, if the relationship is "meant to be", that you can't do anything wrong to screw it up. And if it's not meant to be, you can't do anything right to make it work. Which means (if I take my own theory seriously!) that I, personally, would be much better off spending my time getting manicures & going dancing than putting all my energy into myriad relationship "How-To" books! Especially since so many of them give contradictory advice- I've read The Rules (I and II), The REAL Rules, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, Mars and Venus on a Date, Why Men Won't Commit, How to Make Anyone Fall in Love, Getting To 'I Do', etc. (Not to mention all the times I've spent money on psychics who tell me "Oh yes honey, he's the one, hang in there, he's your soulmate..." regardless of which guy I'm calling about! Damn, I have a LOT of "soulmates" out there! Funny I'm still single! Hmmm... think they're trying to build a repeat clientelle by telling people what they want to hear? GASP! Surely not!)

 

I could practically take a luxury vacation with all the money I've spent on analyzing relationships! (And possibly meet the man of my dreams while basking in the sun on the deck of a ship, being waited on hand and foot by scantily clad sun-bronzed men... Mmmmmm...)

 

Sorry, I digressed a bit there!

 

Ooof. Nothing is as crazy-making as the guy who disappears! Especially since it's virtually impossible for a man to reach a certain age and NOT realize that if he doesn't call us (even to say "Thanks but no thanks!") it drives us INSANE!!! I don't get it.

 

Anyway, hang in there sweetie! Don't stress about that email. Take pride in the fact that you didn't humiliate yourself. You went to him as an equal, with dignity, respect, and an assumption that he could meet you in grown-up land & talk about it, with honesty and openness.

 

If I were you, I'd go ahead and make those plans to move accross the country. If he comes to his senses & realizes that he can't live without you, he'll jump through hoops to keep you. He can be the one who follows you, or puts the effort into a long-distance relationship.

 

The worst thing you can do is put your life on hold and allow yourself to miss opportunities because you're holding out for a man who may not even be right for you! You don't want to look back in 5 years & be kicking yourself in the butt, going "GEEZ!!! What was I thinking! I wish I'd taken that opportunity instead of wasting these past 5 years with this guy!" 'Cuz it's possible that he'll decide to date you, even get hot & heavy again, but he may never get truly serious with you. You could spend years trying to make this relationship work. However, if you move, and he makes the (huge) effort to come after you, chances are good that he's serious. And if you're special enough to him, time and distance will be less important to him than keeping you in his life. There's only ONE you. If you're it for him, no one else will do. He'll want your magic in his life.

 

Plus, who knows, maybe your soulmate is waiting for you over on the other side of the country, looking at his watch and tapping his foot, going "Gosh darn it, I sure hope she'll hurry it up and get her butt out here... Geez, I really hope she doesn't settle for that other guy! She doesn't know what she's missing!"

 

Good luck hon!

 

 

[quickquestion]

because I'm tearing up at my desk. Smitten, Thanks so much for your kind words. They have made me feel so much better. I really appreciate you taking the time to write such a sweet and well-thought out post to a stranger--and your advice was fantastic.

[smittenkitten]

Awww, sweetie! I'm glad I helped. I know it's so hard to go through this.

 

Just keep hanging in there. Love yourself & be gentle with yourself, and realize that you're worthy of a love that enhances your life, that makes you feel bigger & better & stronger about yourself. You want someone who makes you feel like skipping down the hall and singing at the top of your lungs... not someone who makes you play sad songs over and over and cry your heart out.

 

 

[quickquestion]

So I talked to him last night. He said he was trying to come up with the right thing to say, which was why it took him a couple of days to respond to my e-mail. He also said he's having a great time getting to know me again and we have a lot of fun together. He said that his personal life is at the bottom of his priority list because 2006 is a make-or-break year for his business. He said that because he had such bad relationship experiences in 2004-2005, he gets knots in his stomach thinking about a relationship, so he's not really sure that he wants to date anybody.

 

Although it wasn't exactly the answer that I wanted to hear, and I know now that I'll have to put this workaholic/commitmentphobic guy in the undate-able category for right now, I can at least go forward with my plans without waiting and wondering to see what will happen with him.

 

Thanks to everyone for your kind words and advice.

[smittenkitten]

I'm glad he got back to you. At least you've got some closure now- he was honest enough to tell you how he's feeling.

 

Of course it's not fun to hear that you're on the bottom of his priority list, but at least you're not in limbo anymore. It sounds like it really wasn't you at all, so take comfort in knowing that!

 

I hope you're feeling better!