Should i say something?

[LadyV]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible but all thoughts are welcome. I've been seeing my b/f for 4 months & whilst things are good, we've both had problems with ex's.

 

My ex (a 6yr RLT) came back on the scene, saying he wanted to work things out & although i was tempted, i knew that i couldn't go back to how it was so i cut all contact at the start of Dec. It wasn't easy but i knew that i couldn't give the RLT a chance with my b/f if my thoughts were elsewhere.

 

My b/fs ex has also come back on the scene & i'm not finding it easy. Whilst he cut contact when we started seeing each other, she's started texting & she's getting people to send messages to him, e.g., that she misses him & wants to be close to him again, etc. You could say it's worrying me because although it was only a short RLT (3 months) he was devastated when she ended it & i know feelings are still there.

 

I guess it came to a head yesterday. We (my b/f & i) were meant to be going to watch a footie game with some of his friends & just before we were due to leave, one of his friends (who lives with his ex) sent a text, saying that his ex wanted to come along. He asked if it was ok & i said it was but decided to go home instead. If honest, whilst i was extremely hungover & wanted to go back to bed, i couldn't stand the thought of being with her for the afternoon. I've never met her & i've no interest in meeting her because of things she's said & done to him.

 

When i left things were ok but i felt strange. I didn't particularly want him to spend time with her but it was my choice to leave. I hate feeling like this but i can't help it. Am i right to feel this way? I don't know what to do/say. If i don't say anything it's going to stay on my mind & if i do, there's a chance he'll think that i don't trust him. Whilst i do trust him, i know how hard it can be when an ex starts chasing & how easy it can be to go back with promises that it'll be better.

[DN]

I think it was a mistake to leave, it makes you look immature and insecure and while he is thinking that about you he is spending time with an ex who apparently wants him back. Better to have gone along and made it clear by body language and confidence that he is with you and not likely to get back with her or to have said in the first place that you would not be comfortable if she came along.

 

I think you have some fence-mending to do.

[LadyV]

Maybe it was a mistake to leave but looking back, i don't think it was. I'd been sick all morning & just before we were due to go, i thought i was going to pass out. D understood as he felt pretty bad too, so i headed home & went to bed. I wouldn't have wanted to meet her on a good day, nevermind feeling like that & looking worse.

 

I won't deny feeling insecure but knowing that he still has feelings for her doesn't help. And what's more, why turn up & demo that he's with me through body language & confidence when i shouldn't have to. I know it probably sounds harsh but if he wants to be with her then he's free to go & i won't try & stop him.

[DN]

OK, whatever you think is best. But I am now unsure what your questions is or was.

[LadyV]

My questions were/are: 'Should i say something about what's going on or keep quiet?' I feel like i want to say something but don't know how to go about it

[DN]

What do you want to accomplish if you were to say something?

[LadyV]

I guess i want to know where i stand & i don't think that's too much to ask. If thoughts of his ex are still there, i don't want to be involved & would rather walk away now.

[DN]

If thoughts of his ex are still there, i don't want to be involved & would rather walk away now.

 

Well, if he was very attached to her, thoughts are never going to go away. I think you really mean more accurately "Is he thinking of getting back with her" and that is a legitimate question. Whether he will tell you the truth or not, or even if he knows his own mind about her, is a different matter.

 

Human feelings and emotions are very complicated things and are not always easy to understand, even by the person feeling them. Do you know what you want from him? Assuming his ex were not a factor, do you see yourself in a long-term relationship with him? Are your feelings about your ex completely gone?

 

I think timing and how you phrase the question is crucial. Maybe you could ask him if he thinks your relationship is on solid ground, maybe leaving that question for a week or so, but I would not refer to her directly.

[Setter5]

Tell him your opinion on ex's.

 

Telling him your thoughts (in an mature, positive manner) will show him your commitment and how this is affected you. If you don't, he can make up is own conclusions.

 

My opinion is that Television, Novels, and "half-told" stories from friends involving ex's and friendships aren't real life, and are nearly impossible.

 

I wouldn't want to be near her either. Why would he?

 

Why do you want to be involved in these games?

 

Good luck!

[LadyV]

Thanks for the thoughts.

 

DN - You're right with the more accurate question. He's said before that he'd never go back to her because of all the hurt. She wasn't the most sane person when they were together (couldn't decide whether she wanted to be with girls/blokes, said that my b/f would never compare to a woman (nice & v good for his confidence/self-esteem) & to top it off (amongst other things), told him it was over on the 2nd day of a week away he'd planned for her birthday, to go back to her ex. From what he's said it was a pretty mentally abusive RLT but at the same time, he fell madly in love with her & doesn't think he'll ever feel the same way about someone, i.e., how intense it was. I would never want to be in a RLT like that but i guess we all want different things.

 

That's the thing though - i don't think he knows how he feels & as to whether he'd tell me the truth if he knew, i don't know. As to how i feel, i think alot about him, can see a long-term RLT developing but i'm stopping myself from falling for him as i know i've got to hold back. I had a messy break-up with my ex last year & whilst i was devastated at the time, i knew i had to cut contact when he resurfaced because i was having feelings for him, knew i couldn't whilst seeing someone else & at the same time, couldn't give my b/f a chance when my thoughts were elsewhere. Maybe i did the wrong thing but i haven't had any regrets so far.

 

Setter5 - I've no interest in being near her & as to why he does, i can't answer that. I don't want to be involved in any games & if that's what she/he wants to play, i'll be off like a shot!

 

I'm having a couple of days away from it all (not seeing/speaking to him) & when i've sorted what i want/need to say, i'll do it.

 

Thanks

[LadyV]

Here's a bit of an update. I kept my head down for a few days before asking to see him on Wednesday night. We talked alot & i found out things i didn't want to know - they're back in contact (text/phone) & when i went away at Christmas, he went round to take some cds/dvds she'd asked for & to catch-up. If i'd known about the contact & he'd been open about it then i probably wouldn't have minded as much but knowing that he's been keeping it from me is awful because if there's nothing to hide - why hide it?

 

He says he knows how he feels, that i should trust him & that he wants the opp to show me but i'm finding it very hard. The only way i can keep running with this (as i explained to him yesterday) is if all direct contact with her stops. Am i right in saying this? I haven't heard from him since & if i don't, i guess i've got the answers.

[Setter5]

Just remember that your questions and answers are more important , perhaps more important right now. Good Luck!