My Dad is dying

[lightn]

I just found out this week from my sister that the hospital now cannot do anything more for my dad. He will be 70 in May. He knows he is dying but also is upset and in tears. He is in Hospisce care now and will be going home on Monday and a nurse will be there from time to time to make him comfortable along with the oxygen tank and morphine. They will stop all of his medication. However he did not sign the DNR and he stated he wants to be kept on a breathing machine for 3 months. My sister said that is not necessarily going to happen either, but I have heard different stories on how long people last or either go fast. Doctor cannot even tell him how long he has.

 

I am going to have to fly down soon to see him before he goes to try to talk to him since me and my dad are not that close but during this rough time he also has acknowledge me

 

Only 2 people at my job knows what is going on my boss and another coworker but that is it. I am just trying to keep busy but right now I am in shock that this is going to happen. This is going to be a tough year and of course my mom is not handling it well either even though her and my dad are divorced.

 

I guess the shock will be when he passes, but I am trying to be strong but it is going to be hard.

[darkblue]

Lightn,

I'm so sorry to hear about this.

 

I hope you can give some sort of a comfort to your father in his last days. At least soon he will be at peace.

 

I will keep him in my thoughts.

Take care.

[prettydance]

My father died about 6 years ago, he was 72. He was in the hospital being treated for fluid in his lungs, it was a minor thing but his doctor was on vacation, never called us, no one was taking care of him. He was in a regular room and fine. One day I just came to visit him and i found him in his room tied down on a machine and his body shaking. I was really shocked. I asked the nurses what happened and they were so nasty to me, they said he had complications but no one contacted me or my family to say he did.

Anyway he was moved to intensive care, was on a respirator for 6 days. He was fully aware of everything though. Then they put a tube down his throat and put it in wrong and punctured his lung and i heard him screaming in the waiting area. It was awful. So i stayed in the waiting area the whole time. Then they said there was no hope for him and they gave him morphine and he died and i had to watch all this.

At the time I was only 19 and I didnt understand what was happening. Also my father requested if anything happened to him he didnt want anyone to see him besides me and my immediate family and my Mom went against his wishes and invited her whole extended family who acted like they were being entertained and I heard his half sister tell him hes going to die soon and be free while he was laying there.

Then after he died. my Aunt told me theres something wrong with me because I feel bad still and i'm weird.

It was basically a nightmare. I wish I wasnt there to see all of it. It really changed me forever, I've never been the same since.

I also got fired from my job the day of his funeral because I had taken 2 weeks off.

I think the less people you tell the better, keep it to yourself..I found alot of people were not supportive during the whole thing.

I hope things go well for you, I know i have a different story, but to watch someone you love on a machine is a terrible experience. I hope you dont have to go through that.., also be careful of and doctors, nurses,, make sure hes getting the right care and ask questions.

[hosswhispra]

Hello Lightn,

 

I know that this time really sucks for you right now. My father died 14 months ago because of metastatic prostate cancer. I agree with Prettydance in her advice to tell as little people as possible. I got some really strange and thwarted reactions when I told people about my father's illness (it made me feel more unreal about what was going on with my dad). Although everyone experiences death, you may still get some weird (almost inhuman) type of reactions from some....really strange, but true. Just be with your family as family is always first....you will never have another father.

 

I told my job that I just had to take some time off and be with my father until he died. It was the best thing for me to do; I told my father often how much I loved him and was able to spend time with him during his darkest hours.

 

Prayers,

hosswhispra

[lightn]

Prettydance:

Wow what a story. I can understand about not being the same and seeing this and it is tough. I saw my grandfather die when I was 10 and that was in my parents house. I did not understand why the blood was coming through his mouth till someone told me why. I saw death and it is scary. My sister is pretty versed since she is a nurse and knows. I am in another state than my parents are. However when I read your story of getting fired that is just sick and not being supportive that is even worse.

Your right about keeping to myself but the law also states I have 4 days of bereaverment but I may have to take an extra 2 days but not sure yet.

I am usually a private person and of course my boss has to know what is going on.

 

As for the breathing tube that my dad wants to be on, it is ashame that he still wants that for 3 months which I do not get but again we will see.

 

Darkblue:

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate it.

[prettydance]

Yeah it was pretty traumatizing. I didn't realize at the time how much it would change my life. I still cant even think about it.

I think I would have recovered better if I had more family and friends who supported me but they didn't. People who I thought would be there dissappeared.

Yeah I had an incredible job at the time, just shows people really dont care. I just wish I was older when it happened. I was too young too handle it all.

Hopefully your dad won't suffer or anything.

[RayKay]

Hey lightn,

 

It is indeed very scary to watch any loved one go through an illness, parents even more so in many ways as they are the ones that were always our protectors. Many of us need them much more then we sometimes realize.

 

My mother was recently diagnosed with quite advanced breast cancer (she is 48), and it a very scary time for me, as iin our family we have had many women die of breast cancer. She was my age when her own mother died of it, and now I am in her shoes, watching her fight. We are fortunate though in that there is still a lot of fight, and hope left. And I am praying every day that she is with us for many many many more years.

 

I have seen my grandparents all die relatively young (57 - breast cancer, 71 - lung cancer) as well as other family members, and a boyfriend of 5 yers of mine whom too was at the point there was nothing more they could do and he died when he was 25. And that is a very tough feeling indeed, once there is no fight left, the hope is "gone", it becomes so much harder to face it. I think the most important thing at this time is to be there as much as you can, comfort him, be sure he is being taken care of. From my experiences, the hospice workers are generally wonderful. Ask them about counselling resources too for family/friends. Let him know you love him, and are feel blessed to have had him as a father.

 

It sounds like he is not quite ready to go....hence the DNR. He may change his mind in time....sometimes as time goes on, death becomes less scary.

 

Since he has a tube, I would suggest you get him a whiteboard and a couple markers to communicate with you all as well. It sounds like him being at home will be a good thing too, it can take away a lot of the fear. My grandmother, like your father, was 57 when she finally passed, but she passed away at home surrounded by her family and she made choice to turn off her machine. She made it on her own terms, which took away some of the fear.

 

The shock is honestly the worst part, over time that lessens, and you appreciate the small blessings....and remember each day is a blessing. Cherish the time you have, ensure there are no regrets, let him know you love him, and that when he is ready, it is okay for him to go....that you will be okay.

 

RayKay

[Mun]

lightn, I'm sorry to hear about your father. It's tough when there are differences between us and our parents, but hopefully you have some time to set those things right.

 

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

 

Have a safe trip.

[lightn]

Thanks Raykay for your support and your story is of your boyfriend wow. I am sure that was hard.

The thing is that after all this is over, the scary part is how I am going to react after all this, that is the hardest question to answer but your right then I will be blessed with taking one day at a time as a blessing.

 

Yes, I have heard from people that hospisce workers are wonderful and understanding to help this through.

 

You are right for one thing he wants to hang on since he did not sign the DNR and then requesting that he be put on the machine for 3 months. I do know this he was a hard worker and I guess to me that he keeps fightning and it is tough for him to accept this.

 

Yes, that is why I want to come down there before he passes so there is no regrets and tell him I love him for being a father even though we had our differences. I made an attempt 2 years ago but he refused to see me but then found out why because he was already sick with the oxygen tank and losing weight.

 

The thing also with the job since what prettydancer stated she lost her job and no support. It seems right now the job understands.

 

Anyway thanks for your support and telling me the different experiences and what to say and how to react. It is going to be tough.

[Dako]

My heart goes out to you.

Losing your father isn't easy, but you'll have him within you forever.

 

My father's been gone for a long time, but I always see him in the mirror when I shave.

[lightn]

Mun: Thanks for the support and thanks for your prayers

 

Dako: Thanks for your encouraging words. It is going to be tough seeing him all hooked up with the breathing machine for another 3 months when he falls into a coma because that is what he wants. THe toughest decision will be should it be done?? or go against on what he wants??

Again thanks.

[Dako]

Respect his wishes.

I once was in a sort of club with a number of people over eighty. These people were dear friends, actually more like family. In the course of 2 years, almost all had died.

Most of them called us to come say goodbye at their deathbed, hold their hands and discuss death and dying in ways I never experienced. It was a rough two years but taught me so much! One thing I'll never forget is how they want to be treated with dignity and respect, including how they choose to leave.