it has begun.. again

[Dimruthien]

i thought id stopped..but turns out i havent.. im not even disgusted with myself anymore.. i dont do it for the pain or the emotion.. i do it because i love it.. because its beautiful..

 

i feel like a freak..

 

hi, my name is dimmie and im utterly hopeless

[confuzzed1]

Hey, these things happen. I understand how you're feeling. I was a cutter once too, so I know how difficult it is to try and stop. Just the fact that you tried is a huge effort. It doesn't matter that you went back. Stopping takes time.

 

If you ever need to talk about anything at all, just PM me.

[Caldus]

You are only hopeless because you define yourself as such.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

what makes it appeal to you so much?

[ShySoul]

Hi Dimmie. You are not a freak. You are a great girl. What is it that makes the cutting beautiful to you? When did you start?

 

We are here to help you, so feel free to talk to us. And remember, you are not a freak or bad for doing this. You are a good and beautiful person.

[Dimruthien]

what makes it appeal? i dont know.. the look of it.. its beautiful... i know how to fight.. i learned from the support given to me on another SI site.. its just.. overwhelming sometimes..

[Caldus]

If it's still overwhelming then perhaps you haven't really learned how to fight it yet.

[pizzachick13]

I agree with Caldus. I understand how it's beautiful. I actually had a rough night last night cos I was thinking about doing it again, but all I can think of is how many scars I already have.

 

You can fight it and the people on the site can help you do that if you decide to.

[Dimruthien]

i know how to fight.. but sometimes the battle gets hard..and sometimes i just dont care about fighting... i feel a little weird because my reasons have changed...

[ShySoul]

Dimruthien, honestly I don't know what its like to cut myself. But I have struggled with lots of emotional issues for years. There have been plenty of times where I've felt like giving up the fight. The battle is hard and at times it feels impossible. There is nothing wrong with that. We all have points in our lives where we feel that something is stronger then us and we want to give in. We all have times when we feel like just accepting something and wonder what's so bad about it anyways. But that's when we have a choice. That's when we can stand up and show just how strong we are.

 

You sound like you know you should stop. You know how, and you want to. That's the hardest part. Perhaps you feel like you need help and support to get you through the hard times. Do you have someone you can talk to about this, family or friend? Draw off their strength and belief in you. And if you want to talk or vent on here, we are always willing to listen.

[Dimruthien]

how many people cut because they like it?

not because of emotional reasons but because they LIKE the feeling of sliced flesh, and the look of blood on their arms, legs and face?

seriously i feel like a freak...

[pizzachick13]

I felt exactl;y like that. After I'd stopped for a little bit I got back into it I no longer needed it for emotional issues, but I found it beautiful and I didn't want to get rid of that beauty.

 

You're not a freak.

[Caldus]

Perhaps one of you guys can describe why it's beautiful? Or is it just one of those 'it just is' kind of things?

[the yang to the worlds yin]

i agree with caldus, it would be interesting to know why it appeals to you so much. i mean what about it makes you happy? ( besides the fact that it's similar to a drug rush because it causes that rush of dopamine or serotonin in your brasin, causing your pain to be decreased and your euphoria to be increased) i think.., but either way it's a false feeling that your brain creates to make your situation more bearable for your body.

[pizzachick13]

It just is beautiful. You know how a person who has a tattoo thinks that it's beautiful? Or a piercing? It's the same sort of thing, except it's with pain.

[estelle]

i am a self harmer and i fell the same way as you. i want to stop cutting but also find the urge overwelming. sometimes i do it to prove that i am still here, other times to punish myself, but i also do it because it is like an addiction. when you want to cut, phone up a friend or talk to someone you can trust, this might take your mind off the idea. you can do this, just believe in yourself, and you lots of support if you need it on the forums. good luck and take care.

estelle

-x-

[the yang to the worlds yin]

your harming yourself and getitng a euphoria feeling off of your own pain, i'm sorry but i fail to see the beauty in such a thing

[HoldMeTightly]

exactly how i feel too.

sorry dont know what to tell ya

hang in there.

[Outcast-Angel]

It just is beautiful. You know how a person who has a tattoo thinks that it's beautiful? Or a piercing? It's the same sort of thing, except it's with pain.

 

i think it actually has a bit to do with masochism. i love getting pierced, or getting a tattoo done. i find getting something pierced always gives me this natural high, ever before i actually get it done, where as getting tattooed soothes and relaxes me. and when i cut.. sometimes it's to release emotions and pain etc. but sometimes it's just beautiful. the exact shade of the blood, the level of control you have over it. it's also the horomones your body produces kicking in, to give you that natural high, that euphoria.

don't get me wrong though. i hate my scars. for me cutting isn't about the scars. it's about the pain.

[helpmehelpmydaughter]

Sweetie your not a freak!!! The best way that I've had it explained to me is that is like a drug!! Drug addicts LOVE the high and from what I understand from my daughter so do cutters!!! NEVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF!!! It's never too late!!! Please seek help for yourself your worth the effort!!!